tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 5, 2017 15:16:18 GMT -5
I have been lurking for a while and thought it's time to post. I am in my early 40s and have been with my wife for nearly 15 years. Initially sex was great with a number of kinks explored, but 2 years in some the foreplay started to lessen. I am bisexual and would sometimes hook up with guys to make up for that. Despite this there were periods including as recently as six months ago when frequency and quality of sex was great and I would stop playing away. I have been tested recently and was clear. The frequency has gradually come down and is now once every 3-4 weeks generally . It can come across as dutiful particularly the most recent encounter 2 weeks ago. My wife said that she sometimes has zero sex drive. Our marriage is otherwise solid, we have two wonderful and bright kids, a luxury house, only I work, and I am a very hands on dad. The slow journey towards sexlessness is killing me. I was very distressed on the way to work today. She is a wonderful woman and I am not leaving her, certainly until the kids are adults and have reached their potential . Sex is vital to me and I stand tall afterwards for a week or so, even if it's average . I have worked on my mood, practice mindfulness, use a positive thinking app and write a gratitude list everyday. We have everything , but if the 3 weekly sex disappears I will feel that I have nothing. I want to stop cheating but it's becoming more not less likely to happen with every passing day. Mine got down to monthly, then quarterly, then semi-annually, then annually, then multi-annually, then adios. Does your wife know you're bisexual, and if she does, when did she find out? If she found out after you got married, it might not exactly be a turn-on for her. Or maybe it is...different strokes and all... Agree! I speak from experience once I found out my husband liked sticks and stones that was it for me...no way in hell am I attracted to that. I love manly men. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 5, 2017 15:20:37 GMT -5
Occasionally straying has in my view kept me sane/alive so there was very little choice although I am aware that sounds narcissistic and won't wash in a family court. I genuinely can't see us using lawyers. I'd either move out or maybe move downstairs and we would agree child support payments. The kids are such a priority that their need for minimal disruption and toxicity will take over It's curious that you say that the kid's need for minimal disruption is a priority. Yet, your course of action means a drawn-out toxic relationship (and make no mistake, once the "marriage" is over, this will happen to some extent). Yes, an outright divorce is traumatic on the kids, but IMHO is less toxic than dragging things out. For example, when my ex wife and I divorced, it took around 6 months. During that time, once the "veneer" of our marriage was stripped, small things that would have been nothing suddenly became nagging sores we couldn't resist picking at. The kids saw it, our friends saw it, our families saw it. The only two who though we were fooling everyone were my ex and I. And if you ask anyone here, I had an extremely amicable divorce. Dragging that process out for years in the interests of "protecting" the kids may do more harm than good. Healing cannot occur until the bone is set. And repeated small fractures take longer to heal than one large break immediately set. Just some food for thought, brother. |
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Post by casual777 on Sept 6, 2017 16:43:59 GMT -5
She doesn't know I am bi. And at the moment I would say the marriage is far from toxic. I maybe putting in 80 per cent of the effort but it helps both of us and the kids that at least one of the parents spend a lot of the time being grateful, mindful and sex-positive to keep the show on the road . The 15 sexual encounters per year and a couple of outsources means things are ticking over despite the odd difficult time and my worries about the future .
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 6, 2017 16:47:43 GMT -5
She doesn't know I am bi. And at the moment I would say the marriage is far from toxic. I maybe putting in 80 per cent of the effort but it helps both of us and the kids that at least one of the parents spend a lot of the time being grateful, mindful and sex-positive to keep the show on the road . The 15 sexual encounters per year and a couple of outsources means things are ticking over despite the odd difficult time and my worries about the future . This is no bueno. Why do you think your wife shouldn't be privy to the fact you're bi? This hits close to home for me I'm basically your wife minus the part where she doesn't want to have sex. *edited to add* maybe she knows you have been with men and like me is horrified to sleep with you? Maybe she's hanging in for the kids or maybe she's formulating an exit plan like me. Why on earth would you not tell your wife about this? |
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Post by JMX on Sept 6, 2017 17:05:36 GMT -5
She doesn't know I am bi. And at the moment I would say the marriage is far from toxic. I maybe putting in 80 per cent of the effort but it helps both of us and the kids that at least one of the parents spend a lot of the time being grateful, mindful and sex-positive to keep the show on the road . The 15 sexual encounters per year and a couple of outsources means things are ticking over despite the odd difficult time and my worries about the future . This is no bueno. Why do you think your wife shouldn't be privy to the fact you're bi? This hits close to home for me I'm basically your wife minus the part where she doesn't want to have sex. *edited to add* maybe she knows you have been with men and like me is horrified to sleep with you? Maybe she's hanging in for the kids or maybe she's formulating an exit plan like me. Why on earth would you not tell your wife about this? This. Seems selfish and more than a little unfair to have had bi-sexual relations without her knowledge. Maybe she suspects? |
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 6, 2017 17:08:01 GMT -5
This is no bueno. Why do you think your wife shouldn't be privy to the fact you're bi? This hits close to home for me I'm basically your wife minus the part where she doesn't want to have sex. *edited to add* maybe she knows you have been with men and like me is horrified to sleep with you? Maybe she's hanging in for the kids or maybe she's formulating an exit plan like me. Why on earth would you not tell your wife about this? This. Seems selfish and more than a little unfair to have had bi-sexual relations without her knowledge. Maybe she suspects? You think?! Maybe I should refrain from my input on this one...this hits too close to home for me. I receive a ton of support here and the last thing I want is to be removed from this site for presenting my perspective. |
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Post by casual777 on Sept 6, 2017 17:17:49 GMT -5
I think the reduction in frequency is due to the usual boring reasons (pre marriage lowish libido obscured by early relationship passion then exacerbated by having kids, exhaustion from childcare and kids walking in at 7am). She does not suspect, and ongoing outsourcing is 2ndary to lowish frequency. The combination of distress due to worry about the trajectory towards sexlessnes and my Cheating has at times nearly made me insane but things are better right now. It's very important to look after one's mental Health because getting angry about not getting laid wasn't making me very attractive . And btw it's extremely difficult to tell that I am bi
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Sept 6, 2017 17:27:25 GMT -5
I think the reduction in frequency is due to the usual boring reasons (pre marriage lowish libido obscured by early relationship passion then exacerbated by having kids, exhaustion from childcare and kids walking in at 7am). She does not suspect, and ongoing outsourcing is 2ndary to lowish frequency. The combination of distress due to worry about the trajectory towards sexlessnes and my Cheating has at times nearly made me insane but things are better right now. It's very important to look after one's mental Health because getting angry about not getting laid wasn't making me very attractive . And btw it's extremely difficult to tell that I am bi I'll bet, you landed a wife and had kids. For the record I have no problem with you being bi...I do think you hiding that part from your wife is not cool add in your cheating with men and ugh! Do you sleep at night? |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 7, 2017 9:41:50 GMT -5
I think the reduction in frequency is due to the usual boring reasons (pre marriage lowish libido obscured by early relationship passion then exacerbated by having kids, exhaustion from childcare and kids walking in at 7am). She does not suspect, and ongoing outsourcing is 2ndary to lowish frequency. The combination of distress due to worry about the trajectory towards sexlessnes and my Cheating has at times nearly made me insane but things are better right now. It's very important to look after one's mental Health because getting angry about not getting laid wasn't making me very attractive . And btw it's extremely difficult to tell that I am bi I'll bet, you landed a wife and had kids. For the record I have no problem with you being bi...I do think you hiding that part from your wife is not cool add in your cheating with men and ugh! Do you sleep at night? I'm going to have to agree. You being bisexual is kind of important (sarcasm intended) information you're withholding from her. It is quite possible she has picked up on signs of this (your desire for men...not necessarily your outsourcing) and feels hurt, betrayed, deceived, and is questioning her own desirability. I've never been all that good at understanding women, but even I know this is not a good place to start from when looking for some lovin' Some women are really, really, good at picking up on these things, and it is probably naive to assume that the woman you live with is completely clueless about your sexual orientation. The more realistic expectation is that she suspects or knows. As the number of sexual encounters with her drop over time, this perspective may be reinforced. There are a number of women here who actively believe that their man likes other men. They can speak how this feels far better than I can. Granted, this is easy for me to say. I'm a hetero-male post-SM in a healthy (if unorthodox) relationship. Being honest about your sexual orientation could very well mean the end of your marriage. Or it could be the beginning of a discussion where you repair it. But you would be true to her and true to yourself (and turn you back on cheating...with men or women). Living a lie eats at you over time, and in the end very little that is the authentic you is left. Like tori, I have no problem with anyone's sexual orientation (unless it is a jogger molesting me in the park...you'll have to check my earlier posts on that). I do have problems with not being honest about it and then complaining that intimacy is lacking. |
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Sept 21, 2017 22:30:15 GMT -5
Not being one to judge on affairs as i have particpated in a couple during my enforced sexless marriage stints i would encourage you to take Brother Baz's advice and see how you would fair should a divorce suddenly arise on the cards. I remember when i got caught out the shit hit the fan and suddenly her years of sexless marriage were washed away with my infedelity. Cover your own arse.
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