|
|
Post by casual777 on Aug 3, 2017 14:55:10 GMT -5
I have been lurking for a while and thought it's time to post. I am in my early 40s and have been with my wife for nearly 15 years. Initially sex was great with a number of kinks explored, but 2 years in some the foreplay started to lessen. I am bisexual and would sometimes hook up with guys to make up for that. Despite this there were periods including as recently as six months ago when frequency and quality of sex was great and I would stop playing away. I have been tested recently and was clear.
The frequency has gradually come down and is now once every 3-4 weeks generally . It can come across as dutiful particularly the most recent encounter 2 weeks ago. My wife said that she sometimes has zero sex drive. Our marriage is otherwise solid, we have two wonderful and bright kids, a luxury house, only I work, and I am a very hands on dad. The slow journey towards sexlessness is killing me. I was very distressed on the way to work today. She is a wonderful woman and I am not leaving her, certainly until the kids are adults and have reached their potential . Sex is vital to me and I stand tall afterwards for a week or so, even if it's average . I have worked on my mood, practice mindfulness, use a positive thinking app and write a gratitude list everyday. We have everything , but if the 3 weekly sex disappears I will feel that I have nothing. I want to stop cheating but it's becoming more not less likely to happen with every passing day.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Aug 3, 2017 15:07:16 GMT -5
Welcome, to the club no one wants to be part of.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 3, 2017 20:05:50 GMT -5
Doe's your missus know you are actively bi-sexual Brother casual777 ? I am assuming "no" is the answer to that question. How do you figure she would re-act if she found out that you were painting outside the marital lines ? Point I am getting at here is that (quoting you here) - "I am not leaving her, certainly until the kids are adults" - is your current position, but this choice about the marriage is NOT solely down to you. She could call a halt to it too if she discovered some dealbreaking behaviour on your part that she had hitherto not been aware of. It might be wise to check out how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you in your jurisdiction so you can take whatever steps are available to minimise the chaos that might ensue in the event of your missus finding out what's going on. |
|
|
|
Post by casual777 on Aug 4, 2017 0:05:40 GMT -5
Occasionally straying has in my view kept me sane/alive so there was very little choice although I am aware that sounds narcissistic and won't wash in a family court. I genuinely can't see us using lawyers. I'd either move out or maybe move downstairs and we would agree child support payments. The kids are such a priority that their need for minimal disruption and toxicity will take over
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2017 13:27:36 GMT -5
I am so sorry. Welcome and I hope things get better for you, one way or another.
|
|
|
|
Post by casual777 on Aug 4, 2017 15:01:01 GMT -5
Thank you for your kindness
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2017 16:57:27 GMT -5
I wish our society would tell us about this eventuality.
We joke about them losing their sex drive but never think it will happen to us.
Woman want men to change and men want women not to change....
|
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Aug 5, 2017 19:38:05 GMT -5
^^^^^^^^^I wish I can plus this many times^^^^^^^^^^^^
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 5, 2017 22:35:21 GMT -5
Occasionally straying has in my view kept me sane/alive so there was very little choice although I am aware that sounds narcissistic and won't wash in a family court. I genuinely can't see us using lawyers. I'd either move out or maybe move downstairs and we would agree child support payments. The kids are such a priority that their need for minimal disruption and toxicity will take over It would be a good idea to flesh that rough idea of what you'd do "if" into a do-able action plan Brother casual777And then, hope you don't have to use it. |
|
|
|
Post by casual777 on Aug 30, 2017 1:09:17 GMT -5
I have to say there is one thing which helps which is making sure that I am not contributing to a sexless phase. If it's been a while and I appear miserable then it contributes to maintaining sexlessness. If I use everything at my disposal to keep being or appearing positive then the marriage is occasionally sexual.
|
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Aug 30, 2017 10:32:59 GMT -5
You have of coarse had "the talk" w your W, so she knows how her behavior is negatively affecting you and the marriage, Right...So how many talks have you had and are you sure she knows her actions (lack of action) may end up being killer in the marriage?
This reads like you are fairly young, say late 20's to late 30's so pre-menopause isn't part of the picture. You don't mention if she ever initiates or once did. So I am assuming you are the initiator if there is any intimacy. Something I concluded about my X was that desire and arousal were reversed. Usually desire comes 1st then arousal. Perhaps that's going on in your situation. If so, her libido may be low so she has little desire initially. But once foreplay had been going on a bit she becomes aroused and then she desires more in the way of sex. Does this sound like a possibility?
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 31, 2017 2:37:36 GMT -5
I have to say there is one thing which helps which is making sure that I am not contributing to a sexless phase. If it's been a while and I appear miserable then it contributes to maintaining sexlessness. If I use everything at my disposal to keep being or appearing positive then the marriage is occasionally sexual. As an observation, the effort/reward equation here seems unhealthily skewed in one direction. |
|
tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89 
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by tori on Sept 5, 2017 12:37:50 GMT -5
I have to say there is one thing which helps which is making sure that I am not contributing to a sexless phase. If it's been a while and I appear miserable then it contributes to maintaining sexlessness. If I use everything at my disposal to keep being or appearing positive then the marriage is occasionally sexual. Does your W know about your extra curricular sex? NM I just read above comments. Now my question is does your W know you are Bisexual? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 14:58:29 GMT -5
^^^^^^^^^I wish I can plus this many times^^^^^^^^^^^^ I don't recall where I saw it but it's been said: A man marries a woman hoping she won't change, and she does. A woman marries a man hoping he'll change, and he doesn't. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Sept 5, 2017 15:09:28 GMT -5
I have been lurking for a while and thought it's time to post. I am in my early 40s and have been with my wife for nearly 15 years. Initially sex was great with a number of kinks explored, but 2 years in some the foreplay started to lessen. I am bisexual and would sometimes hook up with guys to make up for that. Despite this there were periods including as recently as six months ago when frequency and quality of sex was great and I would stop playing away. I have been tested recently and was clear. The frequency has gradually come down and is now once every 3-4 weeks generally . It can come across as dutiful particularly the most recent encounter 2 weeks ago. My wife said that she sometimes has zero sex drive. Our marriage is otherwise solid, we have two wonderful and bright kids, a luxury house, only I work, and I am a very hands on dad. The slow journey towards sexlessness is killing me. I was very distressed on the way to work today. She is a wonderful woman and I am not leaving her, certainly until the kids are adults and have reached their potential . Sex is vital to me and I stand tall afterwards for a week or so, even if it's average . I have worked on my mood, practice mindfulness, use a positive thinking app and write a gratitude list everyday. We have everything , but if the 3 weekly sex disappears I will feel that I have nothing. I want to stop cheating but it's becoming more not less likely to happen with every passing day. Mine got down to monthly, then quarterly, then semi-annually, then annually, then multi-annually, then adios. Does your wife know you're bisexual, and if she does, when did she find out? If she found out after you got married, it might not exactly be a turn-on for her. Or maybe it is...different strokes and all... |
|
