|
Post by itsjustus on Aug 2, 2017 17:53:28 GMT -5
One of the biggest lesson's/shocks when I joined the ILIASL forum on EP in 1012 was that the majority of people there wanted to get their relationship with their spouse BACK to how it was when they were first married. The shock for me? What they wanted to get BACK to were things I never even had!! Passionate sex? Frequent sex? Hell….even affection and intimacy? Uh….that’s in the movies? Right? In romance novels? Right? And certainly, certainly not sex “Just for the hell of it”!!!!
I learned a lot from that lesson. I learned a lot just from seeing so many women there who broke the “women don’t necessarily like sex” stereotype that I held since childhood. I learned that I missed out on a hell of a lot of love, intimacy and all of the richness that a real marriage can be.
I’m out of that marriage. I can see so much more of what life and relationships are. (Thank you all!!!) And I’m in a relationship that takes all of what I thought was impossible and makes it the everyday. But every once in awhile I run into something that just….just….BLOWS MY MIND!! A reminder of how naïve I was all those years.
This is from the Good Man Project, from an article about the joy’s of having “Slow Sex”. I’m familiar…now…but…who knows, I started reading to pick up some new pointers and I ran across this:
"In an unfortunately realistic and common worst case scenario, couples have sex a few times per week with each session lasting anywhere from two to ten minutes. It isn’t uncommon for clients that come to me to say that they have maybe a half an hour per week of total time where they are sexually engaging with their partners."
My God!! This would have been my BEST case scenario! I probably would have stayed married.
|
|
|
Post by Caris on Aug 2, 2017 20:16:24 GMT -5
You are not the only one. It started from within the first six-weeks of us living together as man and wife. He was somewhat affectionate out of bed for a few years, he'd call, and say, " hello beautiful," and hold my hand, but the endearment went by the wayside fast, and I stopped the hand holding after about 20-years. He was very hurt and felt rejected when I did that, and I thought, "welcome to my world." He rejected me, as a woman for two decades, and I'm supposed to feel bad because I'm tired of playing the "happy couple" game? If things were bad before then, and they were, it got much, much worse after that.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Aug 3, 2017 9:04:26 GMT -5
One of the biggest lesson's/shocks when I joined the ILIASL forum on EP in 1012 was that the majority of people there wanted to get their relationship with their spouse BACK to how it was when they were first married. The shock for me? What they wanted to get BACK to were things I never even had!! Passionate sex? Frequent sex? Hell….even affection and intimacy? Uh….that’s in the movies? Right? In romance novels? Right? And certainly, certainly not sex “Just for the hell of it”!!!!
I learned a lot from that lesson. I learned a lot just from seeing so many women there who broke the “women don’t necessarily like sex” stereotype that I held since childhood. I learned that I missed out on a hell of a lot of love, intimacy and all of the richness that a real marriage can be.
I’m out of that marriage. I can see so much more of what life and relationships are. (Thank you all!!!) And I’m in a relationship that takes all of what I thought was impossible and makes it the everyday. But every once in awhile I run into something that just….just….BLOWS MY MIND!! A reminder of how naïve I was all those years.
This is from the Good Man Project, from an article about the joy’s of having “Slow Sex”. I’m familiar…now…but…who knows, I started reading to pick up some new pointers and I ran across this:
"In an unfortunately realistic and common worst case scenario, couples have sex a few times per week with each session lasting anywhere from two to ten minutes. It isn’t uncommon for clients that come to me to say that they have maybe a half an hour per week of total time where they are sexually engaging with their partners."
My God!! This would have been my BEST case scenario! I probably would have stayed married.
What beautiful energy in this post, Itsjustus - thank you for sharing!!! Your happiness radiates and I am so happy for you. I understand what you are saying, too, having lived it all myself. A huge wake up call for me was realizing there was nothing to "fix" with my ex because the relationship never had what I wanted in the fist place. I love how you were able to break free from that old stereotype and now found the impossible is actually beautifully possible. I agree, 30 minutes of sex a week may have kept me just content enough in my previous marriage to settle into it even longer - a non-thriving, kinda dead marriage. So, in that respect, I am GLAD we didn't have even that.
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on Aug 3, 2017 15:07:12 GMT -5
Yes, I'm with you in this and I echo what you say. Like you once a week might just have kept me in the marriage - not happy but in the marriage. As it was we were together for nearly 27 years and I'd be surprised if we had sex 27 times in those 27 years.
I'm delighted to hear that you've found happiness after leaving your marriage. I'm just seven weeks separated, alone and very content. Isn't it wonderful when all that anxiety and tension ends? A colleague commented today that I'd lost weight and asked me what my secret was!
Just as you were brought up short by that article, last week myself and three colleagues were discussing the merits of going to the gym first thing in the morning, before work, when the fourth - a woman aged 50 - shyly told us that that wouldn't work for her because she always liked to 'cuddle' in the morning and that "It was a far better workout than she'd ever got in the gym". That brought it home to me - 'Oh yeah this is what happens in normal happy relationships...'
Oh well maybe one day!
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 3, 2017 1:28:33 GMT -5
I think it is *generally* the case that when people pen their initial story here, they tend to state that the sex is the problem and everything else is just great. If there are follow up stories from the member, it *generally* emerges that the whole deal is a fuck up, including the sexual aspects.
I think most peoples initial stories here tend to paint a rosier picture than the reality.
*Generally*.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Sept 4, 2017 10:00:47 GMT -5
"Oh well maybe one day"
Only if you leave your wife and get into a relationship with someone who loves sex and having it with you.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 11:21:52 GMT -5
What I always say:
No, all was NOT great bar the sex. But the sex made the other problems easier to live with.
|
|