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Post by stayinginthegame on May 9, 2016 14:55:16 GMT -5
Struggling today. It is my intent to stay, but I'm having an issue. It's been 3 months now-not according to him though because we messed around 1x a month for the past 2 months-none of which included penetration. Feeling like I'm in heat-headed to an anniversary outing soon. Not wanting to expect anything because I really can't handle the disappointment of rejection again...still. Anyway, that's where I'm at today.
Sex is not such a big deal...knowing that my husband is capable of expressing desire for me-pretty friggin' important. Ugh.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 14:58:19 GMT -5
Anniversaries and other special occasions make it worse. I remember from our previous ILIASM home how many people expressed pain around Valentines Day. We all hated V Day.
Hang in there - we are with you.
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Post by stayinginthegame on May 9, 2016 15:24:06 GMT -5
Thanks Smartkat! I like to be positive because there is a lot of love in my marriage. I'm still in, but "Sometimes love just ain't enough."
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 15:35:51 GMT -5
Thanks Smartkat! I like to be positive because there is a lot of love in my marriage. I'm still in, but "Sometimes love just ain't enough." The wrong kind of love is what ain't enough. I'm sure he loves you in his way, but it's not the kind of love you need. You're making a heroic effort to hang in there but it's obvious this isn't going to work. You're at that dreadful crossroads we all faced or will face: stay, leave, or outsource. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 15:39:25 GMT -5
Hi Staying! Welcome.
Sorry to hear of your frustration. You're always such a positive one. I know this hurts.
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Post by stayinginthegame on May 9, 2016 15:40:35 GMT -5
I'm not a crossroads. I'm in the middle of a hard week, a hard three months and a marriage that is hard in one aspect but not in others. I'm lucky in so many ways and pretty unlucky in this particular way.
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Post by wewbwb on May 9, 2016 15:42:02 GMT -5
Struggling today. It is my intent to stay, but I'm having an issue. It's been 3 months now-not according to him though because we messed around 1x a month for the past 2 months-none of which included penetration. Feeling like I'm in heat-headed to an anniversary outing soon. Not wanting to expect anything because I really can't handle the disappointment of rejection again...still. Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Sex is not such a big deal...knowing that my husband is capable of expressing desire for me-pretty friggin' important. Ugh. Sex IS a big deal. It is (or should be) an intimate connection. One that cannot be replaced by other means. I am not trying to change your outlook or bring you down. I'm just stating my opinion. |
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Post by stayinginthegame on May 9, 2016 17:30:36 GMT -5
I do agree. I could get sex if I pushed hard enough for it, I couldn't get a genuine, self motivated, consistent interest.
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Post by Deleted on May 10, 2016 17:15:21 GMT -5
I do agree. I could get sex if I pushed hard enough for it, I couldn't get a genuine, self motivated, consistent interest. And that is why many of us stop trying to get our refusers to have sex. It's no good if they're only doing it to shut us up. ("Starfish sex," etc.) |
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Post by stayinginthegame on May 10, 2016 17:36:34 GMT -5
That seems a healthy position to take. I wish I could resign myself to it. I keep looking for a drink from an empty well. Stupid really. It would almost be better to have a clear verbal agreement that it won't ever happen than to have things happen every few months. Just enough to keep me wanting more...
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Post by DryCreek on May 10, 2016 20:31:12 GMT -5
I'm not a crossroads. I'm in the middle of a hard week, a hard three months and a marriage that is hard in one aspect but not in others. I'm lucky in so many ways and pretty unlucky in this particular way. What Phineas said. Staying is hard. I've been coping for 25 years, and my situation is much like yours. We get along well, life is good, and I'm pretty sure she genuinely loves me - but she couldn't be passionate or intimate to save her own life, and she can't stand me trying either. My analytical side says that should be enough; meanwhile my emotional side is starved. Substitutes don't cut it - no matter how much sunlight you give a plant, it'll die without water. |
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Post by jim44444 on May 11, 2016 7:18:02 GMT -5
...... It would almost be better to have a clear verbal agreement that it won't ever happen than to have things happen every few months. Just enough to keep me wanting more... If you had that clear agreement would you be changing your name to Iquitthegame? It is not so much that you are only getting enough to keep you wanting more but that he is getting all he wants. His libido is satisfied, yours is not. He is not evil because his desires are lower than yours nor are you evil for hsving a higher libido. If there is a flaw in our partners then it is their inability to comprehend the suffering that an SM causes. But how can they comprehend that suffering when they are not in an SM? Their needs and desires are fulfilled. When they want to get laid, they do. And with enthusiasm on our part because we are starving. In an ideal world our libidos would be in perfect harmony with our partner's. And if they were not then our partner would work with us to provide for our needs while maintaining all the other great aspects of our marriage. In that ideal world the concept of monogamy and cheating would not exist. They would be supplanted by love and understanding. If your H (or my W) was 100% focused on your happiness would he not encourage you to find a FWB? Jealousy and fear are sucking the life out of too many relationships. |
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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 16:29:20 GMT -5
OP, I'm really sorry you're in this boat, but it does sound like there's good in your marriage, in other ways. I don't really have advice, just want to share my own story, FWIW. We used to be every few months. It has only dwindled over the years. We're going on 8 months now, no signs of ending that streak. It is really, really depressing. I have to be honest. I do think that when intimacy is compromised it's an indicator that something is amiss. That something is not going to magically fix itself. If you have an otherwise good marriage, maybe your husband is open to counseling and the 2 of you can come to a compromise. My refuser, OTOH, refuses everything - even therapy so we are pretty well done. I wish better luck to you! (For myself, I'm in the middle of a 4 year exit plan. Sounds long, but not after all the wasted years I have already trudged through. 2 more to go seems like nothing.)
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nahmastay
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on May 16, 2016 23:44:37 GMT -5
I'm not a crossroads. I'm in the middle of a hard week, a hard three months and a marriage that is hard in one aspect but not in others. I'm lucky in so many ways and pretty unlucky in this particular way. The struggle is real. I can relate to echo your sentiments about being unlucky in one very particular way I hope that your week gets better and that the drought ends if the opportunity presents itself for a happy ending. Sending hugs  |
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