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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 12:14:39 GMT -5
Guess I'll have to give advice. Mostly because it's the same advice that helps me. You have been shown hope. You have a been given a great ego boost, to go into your new upcoming challenges with confidence. You gave that same inspiration to someone else. You didn't deceive anyone, the cards where on the table. In many ways "it's not your problem." "it's not your problem" goes back to takers verses givers. This is a time for you to do some taking. Right now it's back to reality. You have issues to deal with today. Your own problems ,without taking on another burden of your FWB's problems. A "friend" would understand that and consider these things from the beginning. Back to HOPE. You have been given hope, and a glimpse into the future. There's also the hope and reality, that you will meet someone else, who fills your needs, better. Someone who lives in your town,someone who is age appropriate, another beautiful human who is a really cool guy! Thank you greatcoastal. You are exactly right. I have been shown hope! This has helped me immensely. I do have a lot do still in disentangling through the divorce. I don't think it will take long or be super difficult (fingers-crossed) but there is something in my pocket now that I take with me, *HOPE*. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 2, 2017 13:35:22 GMT -5
lyn, it's tough straddling the fence of being married / single. My advice... be authentic. Don't make up excuses if his age isn't really the reason. Own up to the facts that you've outlined here - you really enjoy the time together, but you have things to clean up and you aren't prepared to re-commit. And maybe express that, yes, the age gap and geography are concerns to be discussed - but don't make them the scapegoats if they aren't really deal breakers. Not everyone can manage that kind of objective adult conversation, but when it can happen it's amazingly refreshing to lay all the cards on the table.
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Post by lyn on Aug 10, 2017 2:12:39 GMT -5
lyn, it's tough straddling the fence of being married / single. My advice... be authentic. Don't make up excuses if his age isn't really the reason. Own up to the facts that you've outlined here - you really enjoy the time together, but you have things to clean up and you aren't prepared to re-commit. And maybe express that, yes, the age gap and geography are concerns to be discussed - but don't make them the scapegoats if they aren't really deal breakers. Not everyone can manage that kind of objective adult conversation, but when it can happen it's amazingly refreshing to lay all the cards on the table. Thank you DryCreek - your words really resonate with me. I know this post is a few weeks old, yet, anyone who knows me or has read old posts mine knows it takes me a beat or two before I do what I need to do. Well, this situation was no different really, although, in this situation, yes, I had a true conversation - plain and simple. Pretty amazing what happens when dealing with someone NOT totally intimacy averse. Sigh. I simply told him I'm not nearly ready for a relationship as I'm weeks from wrapping up my marriage. Get this...... he totally understood. Was exceptionally cool and offered back our old friendship, but, did say anything physical between us would be too hard to beep separate for him. I'm leaving here in less than a week. R and I are still friends with a future door left open. Pretty amazing really. We are still friends, but, now very good friends. This is the first time I've had this type of situation with even a casual break-up like this one.. I took Drycreek's advice and told him the truth. Didn't use any excuses about age or even geography. It felt good. He held onto my hands and said, "of course you're not ready, I understand". I'm smiling as I write this. My daughter and I are planning a mini bday party for me next week right before I keave. Maybe this is how life is supposed to be? One more thing, I'm performing this weekend. It has been such a long time - this is a big deal for me! Just a wedding - 5-6 songs - an actual set..... borrowed guitar, but, I got this - life is feeling and looking so much better than it has in a decade! My life is coming back in and I'm accepting it. It's good. (If only I could see what I type - my lasik from June still isn't great). Thanks for your words and even reading this friends. Xxxxx L |
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Post by McRoomMate on Aug 10, 2017 7:52:11 GMT -5
So so much good advice.
I will just add BE TRUE TO YOURSELF first.
Be honest with yourself first and the rest will follow naturally. Sounds like you know very well what you feel inside and where to go.
Long distance relationships do totally suck but can be doable.
As long as you are honest with him too, if you break hearts along the way -that is just the way it goes because
ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.
Blessings and Courage !!!
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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 9:08:17 GMT -5
lyn , it's tough straddling the fence of being married / single. My advice... be authentic. Don't make up excuses if his age isn't really the reason. Own up to the facts that you've outlined here - you really enjoy the time together, but you have things to clean up and you aren't prepared to re-commit. And maybe express that, yes, the age gap and geography are concerns to be discussed - but don't make them the scapegoats if they aren't really deal breakers. Not everyone can manage that kind of objective adult conversation, but when it can happen it's amazingly refreshing to lay all the cards on the table. Thank you DryCreek - your words really resonate with me. I know this post is a few weeks old, yet, anyone who knows me or has read old posts mine knows it takes me a beat or two before I do what I need to do. Well, this situation was no different really, although, in this situation, yes, I had a true conversation - plain and simple. Pretty amazing what happens when dealing with someone NOT totally intimacy averse. Sigh. I simply told him I'm not nearly ready for a relationship as I'm weeks from wrapping up my marriage. Get this...... he totally understood. Was exceptionally cool and offered back our old friendship, but, did say anything physical between us would be too hard to beep separate for him. I'm leaving here in less than a week. R and I are still friends with a future door left open. Pretty amazing really. We are still friends, but, now very good friends. This is the first time I've had this type of situation with even a casual break-up like this one.. I took Drycreek's advice and told him the truth. Didn't use any excuses about age or even geography. It felt good. He held onto my hands and said, "of course you're not ready, I understand". I'm smiling as I write this. My daughter and I are planning a mini bday party for me next week right before I keave. Maybe this is how life is supposed to be? One more thing, I'm performing this weekend. It has been such a long time - this is a big deal for me! Just a wedding - 5-6 songs - an actual set..... borrowed guitar, but, I got this - life is feeling and looking so much better than it has in a decade! My life is coming back in and I'm accepting it. It's good. (If only I could see what I type - my lasik from June still isn't great). Thanks for your words and even reading this friends. Xxxxx L What a great update. Enjoy your performance, I bet it'll be great!!  And Happy Early Birthday. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 11, 2017 5:53:09 GMT -5
Such a great update lyn ! You are inspirational. |
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Post by becca on Aug 11, 2017 8:05:27 GMT -5
It was wonderful to read your update, lyn. Kudos to facing it head on and not hiding behind excuses that weren't really the problem. I know I could benefit by drycreek's "be authentic" advice, too! Congrats on your performance. Break a leg! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2017 9:20:50 GMT -5
lyn , it's tough straddling the fence of being married / single. My advice... be authentic. Don't make up excuses if his age isn't really the reason. Own up to the facts that you've outlined here - you really enjoy the time together, but you have things to clean up and you aren't prepared to re-commit. And maybe express that, yes, the age gap and geography are concerns to be discussed - but don't make them the scapegoats if they aren't really deal breakers. Not everyone can manage that kind of objective adult conversation, but when it can happen it's amazingly refreshing to lay all the cards on the table. Thank you DryCreek - your words really resonate with me. I know this post is a few weeks old, yet, anyone who knows me or has read old posts mine knows it takes me a beat or two before I do what I need to do. Well, this situation was no different really, although, in this situation, yes, I had a true conversation - plain and simple. Pretty amazing what happens when dealing with someone NOT totally intimacy averse. Sigh. I simply told him I'm not nearly ready for a relationship as I'm weeks from wrapping up my marriage. Get this...... he totally understood. Was exceptionally cool and offered back our old friendship, but, did say anything physical between us would be too hard to beep separate for him. I'm leaving here in less than a week. R and I are still friends with a future door left open. Pretty amazing really. We are still friends, but, now very good friends. This is the first time I've had this type of situation with even a casual break-up like this one.. I took Drycreek's advice and told him the truth. Didn't use any excuses about age or even geography. It felt good. He held onto my hands and said, "of course you're not ready, I understand". I'm smiling as I write this. My daughter and I are planning a mini bday party for me next week right before I keave. Maybe this is how life is supposed to be? One more thing, I'm performing this weekend. It has been such a long time - this is a big deal for me! Just a wedding - 5-6 songs - an actual set..... borrowed guitar, but, I got this - life is feeling and looking so much better than it has in a decade! My life is coming back in and I'm accepting it. It's good. (If only I could see what I type - my lasik from June still isn't great). Thanks for your words and even reading this friends. Xxxxx L Let's hear it for reasonable, mature adults everywhere without a hint of dysfunction. Well done. |
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 11, 2017 15:26:41 GMT -5
Why the need to "break up" with him if you are interested in seeing him again? You live 1,200 miles apart do you not? Why can't you tell him "Look, you are an incredibly sexy, fascinating intellectual guy, and some of the greatest, most mind-blowing passionate sex I've ever had, but I need to go back to my real life and tie up some loose ends that are going to require a lot of time and emotion. It is something I need to handle on my own and I can't be attached to someone else during that emotional rollercoaster and I certainly don't want to put you through it with me. When I come out the other end of this process, it will be with an open heart and eyes on the future. I would love to come out and see you again in six months (or insert whatever time frame you need to kick so and so to the curb and restart your life) with no expectations or demands and we'll see where it goes. In the meantime, have fun, live life and know that you are truly awesome guy that I loved getting to connect with again". Frankly, if a beautiful women said that to me after weeks of great surfing, hiking and sex, I'd take it as the highest form of compliment. How could he be pissed hearing something like this?
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Post by lyn on Aug 14, 2017 4:08:08 GMT -5
flyingsolo - oh the door is definitely open for the future. For me, a fwb situation would make the most sense when I happen to be visiting the area - as long as we're both otherwise unattached. I'm just not sure when, or if, I'll be willing honestly to invest enough of my self into another to call it a relationship. Not bitter at all - just want to get myself back in tact - figure out who I am now. Be whole. Be authentically me with the next guy. Not there yet😉 Good question
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Post by cagedadventurer on Sept 7, 2017 9:45:38 GMT -5
flyingsolo - oh the door is definitely open for the future. For me, a fwb situation would make the most sense when I happen to be visiting the area - as long as we're both otherwise unattached. I'm just not sure when, or if, I'll be willing honestly to invest enough of my self into another to call it a relationship. Not bitter at all - just want to get myself back in tact - figure out who I am now. Be whole. Be authentically me with the next guy. Not there yet😉 Good question VERY well stated "I'm just not sure when, or if, I'll be willing honestly to invest enough of my self into another to call it a relationship.
Not bitter at all - just want to get myself back in tact - figure out who I am now. Be whole. Be authentically me with the next (girl for me) guy. Not there yet😉That is the reality. I am a very positive person (maybe a little lovesick) who wants to live and enjoy regular adventure. But I could not commit to another relationship after so many years of wanting to "get myself back" first. lyn, I am up for a hike, bike, paddle board or kayak anytime. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Sept 9, 2017 17:12:07 GMT -5
lyn, how did the performance go last month?
Getting back to doing the things we love and of course enjoying that nice summer with your fwb sounds like you are making great progress - feeling alive again I would guess.
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