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Post by lyn on Aug 1, 2017 23:09:04 GMT -5
So......... this is ALL on me. I take full responsibility for the sh*tstorm I seem to have created here. Ugh. I didn't want this - didn't expect this.
Back in June, my marriage became a "legal separation"as my stbx and myself embarked on totally separate summer vacations about 7-8 weeks ago. How time flies right?
Anyway- stbx is minding his own business, pretty much. I arrived at my summer spot about 7 or so weeks ago and quickly rekindled old friendships - one in particular. An amazing guy, who in another lifetime, I could see myself "with". Omg - physically and intellectually, , a beautiful human, also, just a really cool guy. Sigh, summer is over almost, and I don't plan to stay in this part of the country.
I need to break-up with my FWB. 😓
I never, ever, considered this as being an issue. Thought we would just hang out and, well, you know, but, he wants a commitment and I just can't do that at this point. Ugh - I truly didn't think this would be an issue! We are not an "age appropriate" couple and I live 1200 miles away - normally.
I've tried to remind him that this was just an expansion of our "friendship" that we already had - just for the summer. Crap - he's such a nice guy this just sucks. He's upset. I hate this.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice really, but, maybe some commiseration. It's just sad cuz we've had a great summer of surfing, hiking, and, of course, lots of great sex.
I need to go home and divorce the sexless dud so I can move on. I know this, but, geez this really hurts.
Here I go, back home in a few weeks needing to break-up with someone who deserves better. I feel like a total a**hole. Wish I could just stay here, but, I can't.
Sorry mom - looks like your neighbor isn't going to be dropping off crab/clams anymore -😞
How does one shrivel a heart that is now hydrated - satiated, after years of drought?
I hope I don't melt into a puddle of mess after being so happy these past weeks.
I don't know how to do this. At this point, a fwb was a terrible idea. Hurting another person, even a minscule amount that I've been hurt in my own sm makes me feel like Lucifer.
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2017 0:23:47 GMT -5
I'll go with "commiserations" Unfortunately, as you move forward on your journey Sister lyn , this is NOT going to be the last time you'll be faced with this issue of having to unload someone (or be off loaded yourself) |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2017 3:30:08 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are struggling with this but it might just mean the end of this chapter. Maybe next Summer you will see him again. Maybe sooner!
You just never know in life.
My current fwb who is a friend (if I met someone and the sex stopped I'd still be his friend), anyway our first Summer fling in 2014 stopped abruptly on his part. He sent me a text, I said ok, no contact for 9 months and then Summer of 2015 I contacted him, next day we were in a hotel room. You just never know.
You have to do what you have to do and if it's meant to be it will.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Aug 2, 2017 6:49:39 GMT -5
Aw damn. Sorry for this struggle, lyn. I hope you will both be able to say your summer farewell without too much heart-pain. It's a lovely thing - an 8-week break from our SM hell - but reality is there waiting for you. This taste of freedom with a sex life included needs to motivate you. Don't let it deplete you, let it charge you up. I hope FWB helps to make the parting as graceful as possible with good intentions & well wishes all around. And I'm with bballgirl on "ya never know" - my Loverman & I have taken a couple different breaks of different lengths. It all worked out (we aren't seeing each other, much, but it's all good). Good luck with this part. It sucks but is also helpful "practice" for you. You've got this. Don't let worrying about another person interfere with your important life mission(s). Live for your happiness. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 2, 2017 6:57:38 GMT -5
I would think if there is one thing that almost all of us here have in common it is that we are really bad at hurting other people. In fact most of the time we will bend over backwards, crawl through the mud and live through years and years of misery and self-neglect in order to avoid having to cause pain to somebody else. So without meaning to sound trite, or to belittle what you are going through, maybe you could treat it as good practise for living in a full, authentic manner that looks after your own needs as well as everyone else's. (And having a FWB was NOT a terrible idea - in fact I would be willing to bet when you get home the last seven weeks has changed your mindset more irrevocably than almost anything else you could have done.) And I do feel for you too  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 7:39:53 GMT -5
Aww, Lyn, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with unmatched, I think most of us here will do anything to avoid hurting others. When we do hurt others, we feel terrible. But I agree that you needed to have this experience to be validated in other important ways, so please don't regret it. It served an important purpose, probably for your fwb too. As for feeling guilty or sorry, those are just emotions. Take them for what they are - information about what you might do differently next time. It sounds like an idyllic summer in many ways. Hold that piece close to your heart, say your apologies, then let go and finish what you started! Graduation time! |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2017 7:41:54 GMT -5
What is age appropriate? One of my woman friends is 70 and has been happily with for 14 years a nice, smart, talented and sexually compatible man who is 22 years younger. One of her kids is older than him.
When they met, it was love at first sight. She was in a sm with a much older man who also had physically abused her. He had developed a chronic, eventually fatal disease and was in a nursing home. She is a kind person and visited him daily and took him on outings, continuing those things dispute her affair until her husband died. She told her close friends about her lover and we supported her.
My friend and her partner are the happiest, most loving couple I know. And they still have sex-- frequently.
Before you cut off your fwb make sure you are following your heart not what you think are society's rules. You are the creator and director of your life.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 2, 2017 8:06:20 GMT -5
Everyone said what I wanted to say, so rather than repeat it, I will commiserate. Life isn't supposed to be easy, but it is amazing. Be authentically you. You will find the right words to say to him, but after that? You are not responsible for how he takes the news.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2017 8:07:30 GMT -5
Guess I'll have to give advice. Mostly because it's the same advice that helps me.
You have been shown hope. You have a been given a great ego boost, to go into your new upcoming challenges with confidence.
You gave that same inspiration to someone else.
You didn't deceive anyone, the cards where on the table. In many ways "it's not your problem."
"it's not your problem" goes back to takers verses givers. This is a time for you to do some taking. Right now it's back to reality. You have issues to deal with today. Your own problems ,without taking on another burden of your FWB's problems. A "friend" would understand that and consider these things from the beginning.
Back to HOPE.
You have been given hope, and a glimpse into the future.
There's also the hope and reality, that you will meet someone else, who fills your needs, better. Someone who lives in your town,someone who is age appropriate, another beautiful human who is a really cool guy!
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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 11:43:40 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are struggling with this but it might just mean the end of this chapter. Maybe next Summer you will see him again. Maybe sooner! You just never know in life. My current fwb who is a friend (if I met someone and the sex stopped I'd still be his friend), anyway our first Summer fling in 2014 stopped abruptly on his part. He sent me a text, I said ok, no contact for 9 months and then Summer of 2015 I contacted him, next day we were in a hotel room. You just never know. You have to do what you have to do and if it's meant to be it will. I like this ALOT bballgirl. Maybe we could still be friends? Your fwb story is inspiring 😉This is what I would love - he does live 2 doors down from my Mom - neither are moving anytime soon so I will see him many more times in the future - we have a lot of the same friends here. I've never been good at this part but this is something I have to work on! I'm going to talk to him later - he is a "talker" and a kind person so maybe this can come to a sweet resolution. Practice - practice - practice - learn - guess this is what life is all about ultimately. |
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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 11:48:48 GMT -5
]You've got this. Don't let worrying about another person interfere with your important life mission(s). Live for your happiness. Yes GeekGoddess - this ^^^^^ exactly what I've been working on for months. Thank you for the perfectly-timed reminder. My "important life mission - live for your happiness". You are SO right-on! Thanks girl - |
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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 11:53:43 GMT -5
I would think if there is one thing that almost all of us here have in common it is that we are really bad at hurting other people. In fact most of the time we will bend over backwards, crawl through the mud and live through years and years of misery and self-neglect in order to avoid having to cause pain to somebody else. So without meaning to sound trite, or to belittle what you are going through, maybe you could treat it as good practise for living in a full, authentic manner that looks after your own needs as well as everyone else's. (And having a FWB was NOT a terrible idea - in fact I would be willing to bet when you get home the last seven weeks has changed your mindset more irrevocably than almost anything else you could have done.) And I do feel for you too Thank you unmatched and yes, you're so right. I do think something most, if not all, of us probably have in common is doing everything to avoid hurting someone else when in the end we end up hurting ourselves by self-neglect of our own feelings - then - we just keep getting or staying stuck! This is good practice - I need to not "get stuck" anymore because I don't want to hurt somebody. I think if I explain this to him, he'll actually get it. |
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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 11:57:19 GMT -5
Aww, Lyn, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with unmatched, I think most of us here will do anything to avoid hurting others. When we do hurt others, we feel terrible. But I agree that you needed to have this experience to be validated in other important ways, so please don't regret it. It served an important purpose, probably for your fwb too. As for feeling guilty or sorry, those are just emotions. Take them for what they are - information about what you might do differently next time. It sounds like an idyllic summer in many ways. Hold that piece close to your heart, say your apologies, then let go and finish what you started! Graduation time! Thanks @elle - it WAS an idyllic summer - there are still two more weeks here and I don't want to spend them tangled up. I have learned a lot and YES validated! I'll remember this summer for what it has been - a glimpse into the real world, the one I need to live in! |
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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 12:05:31 GMT -5
What is age appropriate? One of my woman friends is 70 and has been happily with for 14 years a nice, smart, talented and sexually compatible man who is 22 years younger. One of her kids is older than him. When they met, it was love at first sight. She was in a sm with a much older man who also had physically abused her. He had developed a chronic, eventually fatal disease and was in a nursing home. She is a kind person and visited him daily and took him on outings, continuing those things dispute her affair until her husband died. She told her close friends about her lover and we supported her. My friend and her partner are the happiest, most loving couple I know. And they still have sex-- frequently. Before you cut off your fwb make sure you are following your heart not what you think are society's rules. You are the creator and director of your life. I have thought about this s lot northstarmom, because yes, he is a lot younger (19 years to be exact). The age difference is almost one of the "excuses" I'm hanging onto for ending the tryst. I think possibly ending things has more to do with the fact I kind of don't want to be in ANY relationship right now. I still need to finish the divorce - then live as a strong independent woman. I'll date - but - just need to feel unencumbered at least for a period of time. Btw, I have no plans to hang up the *strong independent woman* part even if/when I get into another actual relationship. Probably with someone closer in age but, who knows? |
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Post by lyn on Aug 2, 2017 12:10:18 GMT -5
Everyone said what I wanted to say, so rather than repeat it, I will commiserate. Life isn't supposed to be easy, but it is amazing. Be authentically you. You will find the right words to say to him, but after that? You are not responsible for how he takes the news. Thank you@awakforthedance. This is exactly right! ONLY authenticity. Part of this is living the truth NOW. We are talkingGain tonite - I feel better equipped to do this. I really needed these reminders! I'm such a newbie at all of this! |
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