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Post by DryCreek on Aug 16, 2017 11:29:39 GMT -5
So I like the article's author's point: giving it a time limit ("I'll try for N more years.") is a welcome voice giving a concrete number. Or rather, it is an outside-of-my-marriage voice saying "you know, if you've tried for five years, you've really tried, and you are allowed to move on" which I find wise/comforting; that SOMEONE has given an concrete number for "N"! It's a maxim that "nothing happens without a deadline". Whether it's spurring action or forcing a conclusion. Or the corollary... if you've been kicking the can down the road for N years; maybe you're already there. I'm all for trying your best, but there will always be "one more thing" you could try. N more years that you could wait. I think the question to ask is, if you had known to put the stake in the ground N years ago, is there anything you would have tried by now that you haven't already tried? Before committing to N more years, how will that be different, aside from the passage of more time? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 16, 2017 11:52:02 GMT -5
It's a maxim that "nothing happens without a deadline". Whether it's spurring action or forcing a conclusion. Or you either stay married until you get divorced.,or you stay married until you die! That's your two choices! |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 7, 2017 7:07:03 GMT -5
I'm all for trying your best, but there will always be "one more thing" you could try. N more years that you could wait. I think the question to ask is, if you had known to put the stake in the ground N years ago, is there anything you would have tried by now that you haven't already tried? Before committing to N more years, how will that be different, aside from the passage of more time? A good friend is nearing the end of his divorce procedure - he too an SM and a wife that was impossible for him to continue with. We were talking about this "Did I try enough" question and he basically said to me, the only way you know you have tried 100% is the day you die. At some point, I think each of us has to call it. And at least for me, it was the MOST DIFFICULT call I ever had to make in my life (and revaluate and then recall and then switch and then ... well I made it to my first visit to Psychotherapist put it like that). Now in terms of "N + Years" - My W broke down in tears about 3 years ago and said we have no couple and we are room-mates. We both agreed to try and make it work and that we had neglected our couple. 3 years went by and NADA / NOTHING / ZIP happened. Neither of us made any effort. Well, let the facts speak for themselves. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2017 15:41:18 GMT -5
We were talking about this "Did I try enough" question and he basically said to me, the only way you know you have tried 100% is the day you die. I used to think that I should keep trying until I was dead as well. Fortunately, I realized that I was hastening my death by living in misery. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 8, 2017 17:09:05 GMT -5
That's assuming that you get caught. The term affair is really an ambiguous word. For me, I think if you are married, the worst thing to do is to get involved with an unmarried man/woman because you are attached going after an unattached person will mean trouble down the line. Married person going after another married person might be a little safer as long as both people understand that they will not leave their marriages. For me, I am developing a relationship with an outsourcer. She doesn't want to know where I live and she doesn't have my primary cell phone #. I use a burner phone to do these other kind of "activities" and have a separate email address for it too. Affair, outsource, cheat, all terms for the same thing. I was mainly using that term since it is the term @elle used. And yes, you may not get caught. But it would be prudent to assume you will and plan for that eventuality as well. I didn't outsource during my marriage for that very reason. I'm a crappy liar and wouldn't have been able to cover my tracks well enough I think. So I lived 3 years as a celibate monk. If I would have made it to 5 years? All bets would have been off. That's a huge part of the reason I left when I did. I wanted to go out with my head held high and was seriously entertaining the idea of cheating. I've got a weird set of scruples (and somewhat am also somewhat hypocritical at times...I'm human). Maury Povich once said he would only have an affair with a woman who had as much to lose as he would. He is still happily married (at least publicly?) FIIK anyhow - point taken. Getting caught overtly or what may also occur "spinning out of control" - We are not robots with binary libido switches - well at least most of us, and EMOTIONS will inevitably get involved including yes . . . gasp. Falling in Love and even falling madly in love - one or the other or even both. However, I know plenty of guys who have had repeated affairs/outsourced and NEVER got caught and they are for better or worse still married - a lot even do not have SM - just for whatever reason had something on the side and some of them a lot on the side. I know other guys for the "sex business" side of things and are consumers for porn, prostitutes, etc. I suppose that is an affair situation too - still a risk of getting caught, no risk of falling in love or spinning out of control generally speaking. Now as for walking the moral narrow ground - for example, one lives an SM and is handed an obligatory oath of celibacy because my W/H refuses me and then refuses the outsource option. Wow. Cudos and respect if you have that kind of moral character to walk the line - though that path must get very hard to stay on over time. Divorce would be expedited i would think to end the no win situation. Personally i have experienced all the "diversions" within the marriage realm: Outsource, porn addiction, and for a time celibacy. None of them did the trick, they were all "coping mechanisms" and the hole I had in my heart never left. In fact, my heart was so long dormant I even forgot I had one. That all changed one day. |
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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2017 21:22:45 GMT -5
Very useful. I have a 14 and 16 year old. I recently named my N as 5 years- when the youngest graduates HS and my H finishes his PhD program. That also gives me time to really give another try to save the marriage. I will give 100% to the effort.
So that was the call and I made it. Told the H. Told friends. I felt ok about it. But now I feel like uuuuuugggggghhhhh 5 years is a looooooong lonely time. Idk anymore....
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 16, 2017 6:34:52 GMT -5
Jenn, some high school and college counselors say it's a mistake to divorce a kid's freshman year in college. They say it's better to do so while the child is still in high school and has their high school friends as a support. The student also is in more of an environment in which teachers and counselers know them and can offer support.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 10:18:15 GMT -5
Very useful. I have a 14 and 16 year old. I recently named my N as 5 years- when the youngest graduates HS and my H finishes his PhD program. That also gives me time to really give another try to save the marriage. I will give 100% to the effort. So that was the call and I made it. Told the H. Told friends. I felt ok about it. But now I feel like uuuuuugggggghhhhh 5 years is a looooooong lonely time. Idk anymore.... Yes, it is a long time. But you can do it . |
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Post by workingonit on Oct 16, 2017 21:09:46 GMT -5
Jenn, some high school and college counselors say it's a mistake to divorce a kid's freshman year in college. They say it's better to do so while the child is still in high school and has their high school friends as a support. The student also is in more of an environment in which teachers and counselers know them and can offer support. That is actually a very interesting thought. Makes sense.... |
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