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Post by darktippedrose on Jul 29, 2017 3:14:22 GMT -5
So some recent conversations with my husbands - he admits that he's a hypocrite. He kind of alludes that he's not that great.
So we'll have an intellectual/religious conversation. He goes to pray or watch soccer videos. He comes back down and then acts so incredibly cold.
And then he implies that it doesn't bother me. He actually doesn't think it bothers me. He thinks that I'm ok with it. He doesn't remember all the trying and failing. Again and again.
Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with two different people. Its Mind boggling.
to think that it doesn't bother me. I still randomly cry over it.
Sometimes I laugh over it. Sometimes I'm bitter and jaded. Sometimes the pain gets so much I feel like drowning and choking on my blood (emotionally, obviously).
I don't know if he actually things this or just tells himself this.
I wonder if lots of refuser/cheaters all do this? Say the wife is ok with it, lie to live with it better?
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Post by brian on Jul 29, 2017 7:53:21 GMT -5
I don't have an answer for you there. I wish I knew what was going on inside my refuser's head as well. She'll "promise" a sexual encounter "when she returns" while she is on a business trip (from a safe place, mentally), but after 15 years of those promises with ZERO deliveries, I can't see how she thinks that I might actually believe that she might deliver.
I have told her straight up that if I ever found someone that would have sex with me, I was taking them up on the offer. I suppose she thinks that no one would ever offer because she hasn't changed her behavior at all.
She continually says that we need to work on our intimacy, but she would rather watch shows on her ipad until 2am than spend some awake time in bed with me.
I gave up a few years ago trying to understand what's going on in her head. That's akin to the "why chasing" that has been discussed numerous times. At this point, I have simply chosen to do things for me. My room mate has noticed a difference, but hasn't acted upon it. At this point, the amount of work she needs to do to turn this around is beyond what she is willing/capable of doing, IMO, so I have chosen to live my life for me (albeit in a relatively non-selfish manner as it pertains to my kids).
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 29, 2017 8:14:26 GMT -5
I did not get married to spend 25 yrs telling my wife constantly everything about her and her actions (or lack their of) that bothers me.
I did not get married to remain silent, and just get along by being worthless.
There is no balance between those two agendas.
Time to move forward, and give my kids a better example.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 29, 2017 8:31:32 GMT -5
. . . And then he implies that it doesn't bother me. He actually doesn't think it bothers me. He thinks that I'm ok with it. He doesn't remember all the trying and failing. Again and again. Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with two different people. Its Mind boggling. Maybe you are dealing with two different people. Maybe your H has a mental illness which manifests in different personalities. |
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Post by neonspace on Jul 29, 2017 9:41:19 GMT -5
to think that it doesn't bother me. I still randomly cry over it. So I'm not the only one who sits in their car and cries? |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 29, 2017 9:52:08 GMT -5
to think that it doesn't bother me. I still randomly cry over it. So I'm not the only one who sits in their car and cries? I think all of us at one point have sat in a car not wanting to go home. Or sat in the driveway "listening to the end of a song." |
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Post by warmways on Jul 29, 2017 10:12:30 GMT -5
I can relate, dark tipped rose. It sounds like bait and switch in a way. He alludes he's not that bad and you have an intellectual conversation and you start to feel like maybe things are balanced and then - bam! He switches it up with the coldness. You're left wondering what the hell is going on.
It becomes so strange and we naturally want to figure it out. Then we finally realize there is no figuring out. Our refiusers want us to to be unbalanced and constantly wondering why they go back and forth while our lives continue on this unsteady dysfunctional course until it gets so bad that we do whatever it takes to remove ourselves from this never ending hell.
I got in so deep that it takes a long time to get out but as long as you keep moving step by step you'll get out. To a life you deserve. I'm still working on it.
You deserve to not be kept wondering. If the relationship feels wrong or strange - it is.
So keep writing and listen to the part of you that puts yourself, your own best interests, first.
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Post by orangepeel on Jul 29, 2017 15:10:42 GMT -5
I learnt to cope with weird shit like this by (after years of why chasing, of course) compartmentalising. I took all the joy and self-worth and self-giving that goes into a sexual relationship and shared it out in other areas - friends, work, hobbies, exercise and (yes) porn. So now if I'm on the receiving end of that shit, I kind of look at her and feel like I'm watching telly.
The upside is that it helps you cope; the downside is that it does cauterise you emotionally to some extent.
But the best thing is that it gives you your autonomy back: your view of you isn't dependent on his view of you. You won't have to worry if you're attractive to the opposite sex, for example: you'll know you are and you'll know, in a way that counts, that he's the fuck-up and not you.
Sorry to attribute motives to you, by the way; I hope you'll appreciate I'm taking pretty self-referentially.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jul 29, 2017 16:40:59 GMT -5
darktippedrose Perhaps I am a little "unique" that I have been the refuser or should I say better the "neglector" in a relationship. If I may confess, I think I have played the role of your husband to a certain extent. A few years ago, my Wife broke down and cried and said there was no couple between us and I said I would change and make efforts and I even told her "Do not listen to my words but ONLY my ACTIONS" Of course - again NEITHER of us made any effort and we remained "room mates" for a few more years. In other words, and we all know this "talk is cheap" - whether it is you complaining or him promising or callously commenting you do not care. I know you have made many efforts and taken many ACTIONS to try to improve things - in my case my wife did really nothing and neither did I - she just realized and had an emotional reaction about how pathetic we were before I did. We both acknowledged a problem and we both did nothing to fix it. No efforts. I guess where I am going with this is that the popular phrase "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". What more can you do? What else can you do? Complaining ? I think we can all do better than complain. We can take other actions - bold actions - Maybe up and leave for a "trial separation" maybe that would scare him into waking up? Sometimes people have to be scared before they realize the mistakes and consequences of their behavior. If he is not being loving and caring and respectful and attracted to you, then make your next actions perhaps an ULTIMATUM but in the form of an action. Here is an idea "One week or a month of zip code therapy" - call it a warning shot. Let him see you can take actions where you are starting to consider your couple and him in particular a lost cause. All the above could be bad ideas or good ideas - I of course defer to your judgment but it is something I might consider if I were in your shoes. Courage and Blessings !!!
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2017 17:13:32 GMT -5
I would imagine that lots of refusers tell themselves that their spouse "must be ok with it". And, there is strong evidence for the refuser to think this. That evidence being that you are still there. If you were not "ok with it", then you wouldn't still be there. Take Mrs shamwow as an example. She thought Brother shamwow was "ok with it" for years. I'd bet good money that as of today, she doesn't think that any more. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 29, 2017 17:18:56 GMT -5
I would imagine that lots of refusers tell themselves that their spouse "must be ok with it". And, there is strong evidence for the refuser to think this. That evidence being that you are still there. If you were not "ok with it", then you wouldn't still be there. Take Mrs shamwow as an example. She thought Brother shamwow was "ok with it" for years. I'd bet good money that as of today, she doesn't think that any more. She thought it "was ok" until the moment I told her. Later in the conversation when we discussed she needed to get a job. At that point the look on her face was "OMG I really fucked up" |
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Post by h on Jul 30, 2017 5:55:12 GMT -5
So I'm not the only one who sits in their car and cries? I think all of us at one point have sat in a car not wanting to go home. Or sat in the driveway "listening to the end of a song." Or gone to work early and stayed late just to have the opportunity to talk to someone who isn't currently hurting you. |
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Post by brian on Jul 30, 2017 6:22:48 GMT -5
I think all of us at one point have sat in a car not wanting to go home. Or sat in the driveway "listening to the end of a song." Or gone to work early and stayed late just to have the opportunity to talk to someone who isn't currently hurting you. ^^^^^^ This! |
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 30, 2017 13:33:19 GMT -5
I think some steps toward the door are warranted. If he thinks you are ok with it, it may be because you have not moved. Since my wife started suspecting extramarital activity on my part, I've had more sex with her than I have had in the previous ten. It is not the type I want, or the duration I want, but the fear of losing me is motivating to her. I doubt this will hold. With every challenge I create, we have sex, and then it tapers back off to the norm, which is zero.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jul 30, 2017 14:28:39 GMT -5
well doing different things and getting the same results is also insanity lols
I can't do zip code therapy because I can't just take 3 kids to my grandma's house. And when I do go to Grandma's house, I have to do so much planning and then when I go back home, I know my husband will avoid me for like 2-3 days.
and the house will be a complete disaster. he says he's "babysitting". Not being a father.
go figure.
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