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Post by WindSister on Jul 24, 2017 8:37:14 GMT -5
Feel free to share as you wish in this thread, things that you realize are better now that you are out of your SM. It's amazing how things still pop up, even years afterwards. Even after you find someone new. I think we who escape the sexless marriage are a special breed, as has been stated a lot here on the boards. I know I like to notice the things I love about life now and appreciate it because I DO appreciate it all so much now. Sometimes I just want to share a little snippet and not necessarily start a whole new thread, so I will put those here. Feel free to do the same!  It doesn't even have to be things you notice in a healthier relationship -- it can be anything. Anything that makes you appreciate the choice you made and the walk you have walked. |
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Post by WindSister on Jul 24, 2017 8:43:24 GMT -5
I will start..... I remember back in my SM there would be times I would be "fishing" for compliments from my ex so that I could feel more secure in our relationship. I remember asking him a lot, "What do you love about me?" He would squirm and stutter and say something generic like, "oh, you know, everything." One time, towards the end, he said, "I don't know.... " AND THEN added, "oh you know, everything..." Needless to say, I never felt better about "us" after those exchanges. Infact, I felt worse about myself. Unlovable. There was really nothing about me to love, apparently. Well, this past weekend I was outside in the back yard finishing spraying down our camping rug and hanging it up to dry. My husband yelled down to me, "Hey, wanna go practice riding the bike again before dinner?" I got excited at that notion and said, "yes! Let's do it!" He smiled big at me and said, "I love you when you do that." I didn't know what he was talking about so I said, "When I do what?" He said, "When you get excited, and do that little shimmy-shake with that smirk." I still don't know what he is talking about, but man did it touch me that he shared that with me! HE LOVES something about me. HE LOVES IT.  And the best part? I never have to "fish" for it - he shares openly with me as he feels them and he feels them quite often. Yup. That's better. I like it. |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 24, 2017 8:59:51 GMT -5
Well ... the sex is better Otherwise we are not actually separated yet, so this is probably a little premature. But I have been spending more time away as we try to give each other lots of space between now and moving out time. And I notice that when I spend more time at home my body kind of closes up and gets more tense and less receptive to the world around me. Then once I have been away for a day or two it starts to open up again. My muscles relax more, I do some yoga and find I get a greater range of movement, and I become much more aware of trees and smells and tastes and feelings. Just feeling sun on my face feels enough sometimes. It is kind of an insidious thing, like a slow creeping change that happens very slowly, and I am trying to pay attention to it and see what is happening when I go back and feel myself closing off again. But I think it is about trust. When you no longer trust the person you are living with to hold your heart in their hands and make sure you have what you need to feel loved, then your trust in life itself gets eroded and you close off to protect yourself. As I come out of that, I find that I don't need someone else to feel loved, life itself will do that for me. I just need to not feel rejected and to not feel stuck. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 8, 2017 8:44:44 GMT -5
I am a very observant person - it might seem like "nosy" but the fact is, I just notice what is around me, all the time. Yesterday at the grocery store is a prime example. Wow, did we run across a very very very miserable couple. I am not judging them, please understand, my heart actually hurts for them.
They were totally unkept, severely overweight, looked like they got right out of bed, had a cart full of sugar in various forms. The wife/woman accidentally bumped her husband/man with the cart and he looked like he was going to EXPLODE on her, the look of pure HATRED that washed over his face, omg. She looked down and kept unloading. Obviously he stopped at just the look because he had witnesses all around him. They had sad, miserable eyes. No smiles. Grunted and moaned with every movement. Obviously didn't like each other.
Then there's me and my husband, making jokes with each other, helping each other unload, and then he stands with his arm around me, rubbing my back as he kisses my forehead while we wait our turn.
I felt so freaking thankful in that moment I could have cried.
I mean, what a waste of life to be so miserable. So unhappy. To settle for CRAP, PURE CRAP. But choices -- it all comes down to choices. To know that we have the KEY for the LOCK that we often use to cage ourselves up in sadness, unhappiness is scary, but empowering if we embrace that reality.
I wanted to tell that woman to run.
I wanted to tell that man to wake up.
But I just loaded my bags and left with my husband, thankful I did both.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 8, 2017 13:44:53 GMT -5
The thing I'm most thankful for is that I no longer need the the toxic coping strategies I used just to get through the day.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 8, 2017 14:03:20 GMT -5
I am thankful for freedom.
I can talk on the phone to whoever I want. I can come and go as I please.
The last few years when I detached my ex got very controlling and jealous and did not like the attention I was getting from other men who I was only friends with. The thing is he saw I was checked out of our marriage because there was no marriage at least in my eyes.
He got mad if I went to the high school football games on Friday nights because he didn't want me to be around certain men.
Now I can go to the games.
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Post by hopingforachange on Aug 8, 2017 15:05:28 GMT -5
I am thankful for freedom. I can talk on the phone to whoever I want. I can come and go as I please. The last few years when I detached my ex got very controlling and jealous and did not like the attention I was getting from other men who I was only friends with. The thing is he saw I was checked out of our marriage because there was no marriage at least in my eyes. He got mad if I went to the high school football games on Friday nights because he didn't want me to be around certain men. Now I can go to the games. And screw them under the bleachers |
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Post by Caris on Aug 8, 2017 17:14:33 GMT -5
I am a very observant person - it might seem like "nosy" but the fact is, I just notice what is around me, all the time. Yesterday at the grocery store is a prime example. Wow, did we run across a very very very miserable couple. I am not judging them, please understand, my heart actually hurts for them. They were totally unkept, severely overweight, looked like they got right out of bed, had a cart full of sugar in various forms. The wife/woman accidentally bumped her husband/man with the cart and he looked like he was going to EXPLODE on her, the look of pure HATRED that washed over his face, omg. She looked down and kept unloading. Obviously he stopped at just the look because he had witnesses all around him. They had sad, miserable eyes. No smiles. Grunted and moaned with every movement. Obviously didn't like each other. Then there's me and my husband, making jokes with each other, helping each other unload, and then he stands with his arm around me, rubbing my back as he kisses my forehead while we wait our turn. I felt so freaking thankful in that moment I could have cried. I mean, what a waste of life to be so miserable. So unhappy. To settle for CRAP, PURE CRAP. But choices -- it all comes down to choices. To know that we have the KEY for the LOCK that we often use to cage ourselves up in sadness, unhappiness is scary, but empowering if we embrace that reality. I wanted to tell that woman to run. I wanted to tell that man to wake up. But I just loaded my bags and left with my husband, thankful I did both. There is no guarantee that every person who walks away from that misery finds something better. That's why some stay. Not for love, but security of the known, and familiarity with their partner, their home, their friends and family. Some manage to leave, and have the wherewithal to start over, but others are so damaged (and are so physically unattractive) that all they will have is years to spend alone until death. They may prefer the known misery rather than the unknown, which may just be a different kind of lonely. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2017 19:21:38 GMT -5
Even if they stay for the known misery, at some point, especially if they are a woman, they are likely to be alone. In the US, the average woman outlives her spouse by more than 5 years. I'd rather learn to live alone in my 50s or 60s than at a much older age when I'm likely to be infirm, more damaged and isolated due to my marriage and would have more difficulty making friends and a new life.
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2017 22:47:21 GMT -5
Simple shit means a lot to me Sister WindSister . 3 mornings a week I am up real early to go and do my rural mail run. And I am usually home again by early afternoon, by which time Ms enna has gone off to her work, and I come home to the dog. And there, on the kitchen bench, is a cup, right near the percolater, ready for me to pour. Sometimes there's a note with it. Simple. But it means a lot to me. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 9, 2017 8:12:38 GMT -5
Simple shit means a lot to me Sister WindSister . 3 mornings a week I am up real early to go and do my rural mail run. And I am usually home again by early afternoon, by which time Ms enna has gone off to her work, and I come home to the dog. And there, on the kitchen bench, is a cup, right near the percolater, ready for me to pour. Sometimes there's a note with it. Simple. But it means a lot to me. Simple, yet grand because it says she is thinking about you and caring for you. I feel the same when my husband turns on the Keurig for me before he walks out the door. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 9, 2017 8:15:35 GMT -5
I have another one -- this stuff just happens ---
It was my husband's birthday yesterday. I had a nice romantic dinner planned for him (that actually got ruined because his daughter and the grandkids surprised us with a visit, but we rolled with it and he got his romance afterwards). Anyway, buying a card for him ------- easy. The words in the card actually meant something to me, I picked one that said he would be celebrating with a lot of people, but my favorite moments are he and I, alone together, laughing together, loving, sharing. I underlined, added my own words here and there. I meant every word. In my previous life? I had to pick corny "funny" ones because nothing else "fit." This stuff matters. If you can't even find a card for your spouse, the love is probably not there.
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Post by dinnaken on Aug 10, 2017 9:50:57 GMT -5
What's better now that my wife and I are separated?
Just EVERYTHING...
My life is my own, my future is mine to shape.
The terrible, terrible tension and anxiety, the fear for the future - all gone, gone, gone.
I now live honestly - my life is what it is - no covering up, no pretence - just a simple life - work, my son, friends etc.
Oh Joy!
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Post by WindSister on Aug 15, 2017 9:43:24 GMT -5
No one has ever really had my back in my life before.
I can honestly say my husband has my back and he proves it time and time again through words, actions and deeds.
He actually sticks up for me (for us) when needed.
It's freaking A-MAZING.
Hold out for the person who Lifts You Up, doesn't squash you down.
I will add this disclaimer: He's a wise man. He doesn't BLINDLY back me up. If I am in the wrong, he lovingly tells me or suggests other perspectives. He had to do that a lot when it came to his ex-wife and it helped me work through things. He never made me feel bad for what I was feeling, though, because he understood MY perspective as well.
BUT there are times he goes into full-on protect mode to back me up, protect our relationship, even if that means causing waves with his daughters.
We had such events happen this past weekend. I stayed quiet through it all because I was actually REALLY mad at his kids but knew I couldn't say a damn word or I'd regret it. Turns out, I didn't have to say a word. As I was scooting around in the parking lot earning my motorcycle endorsement, he was talking/texting both of them. His eldest is cluless and defiant, but his youngest is wise like him. It all ended up working out and relationships are spared (maybe even improved) but it was tense there for a bit.
They have learned we have boundaries when it comes to his Ex-girlfriend - boundaries they may never understand because they don't know all the details. They have learned we won't mess around with those boundaries. They can be friends with her all they want, but when it comes to family things, if she's there? We aren't. His ex wife actually backed us up on that one, too. She was like, "SeriouslY??? They invited HER???" Kids. It's so weird. It's like his eldest has been defiant about "remaining friends with her" to prove some point or something. Give it up already. The exgf has been out of my husband's life longer than they were even together. They were together off and on for a mere 2.5 years and my husband said the reality is the exgf wasn't even close to his kids! It's all some weird show on facebook and his eldest tries to keep pulling her into the family. Now she knows Dad is saying no... if she does it again it will piss him off even more. Like he said, FINE -- be friends with her, have her over every single weekend to bbq, he doesn't care. But if she's there at some family event, he and I are not.
We don't "have to" integrate this exgf into our life. SHE is not an ex I need to "deal with." There's no shared kids and she's been tacky as hell since I entered the scene, soliciting my husband for "secret friendships," texting at 1 am. She has been blocked from communicating him for 2.5 years but as little as 3 months ago, she sent her SISTER to check on him. Her sister FB messaged my husband at 11 pm asking, "Are you really happy?" He showed me, ignored it, deleted it and blocked that sister from contacting him or seeing him on Facebook.
It's like what the hell?
So, yeah... trying to pull her into family functions? Give it up, grow up, girls. Dad is allowed to completely let her go and dad doesn't have to deal with her. (Neither does Dad's wife).
His youngest totally gets it. (I love her). His eldest though, seems to want to prove something. This EXGF hasn't actually BEEN There for them or done anything for them. So I don't get it.
But -- we stood our ground on that one. Together. A united front. I love that. (oh, and he never once said we were making that decision because of me - he actually took the brunt of it all). I was able to just text them at the end of it all that I loved them both and will always support the grandkids and maybe some day we can talk about it all in person. They both responded right away. The eldest said, "No worries, I love you too!" The youngest replied, "I understand. I love you too!"
P.S. We are going to the party because the EXGF no longer is.
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It doesn't even have to be things you notice in a healthier relationship -- it can be anything. Anything that makes you appreciate the choice you made and the walk you have walked. 
And the best part? I never have to "fish" for it - he shares openly with me as he feels them and he feels them quite often. 
