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Post by shamwow on Jul 24, 2017 15:44:26 GMT -5
Hug, schmug.
She can give you a hug without your consent (I'm assuming you are too much of a gentleman to violently shove her to the ground if she tries).
However, since you're a guy, it does require your, uh, cooperation to accept reset sex. So take the hug. If you want to counter refuse if more is offered, you literally have the final say.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 24, 2017 15:56:48 GMT -5
Im with Shamwow. Hugs, pecks. One thing. Reset sex. Well, that requires some cooperation.
I think it sets you back and swings power right back to the refuser. Be strong.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 24, 2017 17:08:58 GMT -5
I am trying to get my head around your strategy here. You are on the college plan, right? So your goal is to hold the marriage together while your kids get a little older without causing any major ruptures or do anything which is going to hurt your kids. But at the same time you need to preserve your sense of self and dignity so there is something left of you when you leave.
So you are distancing yourself from your wife and counter-refusing. But you don't want to come out and tell her you are doing that because that will potentially cause a major rupture and fuck up your home environment. Which means you have to be kind of engaged in the marriage so she still thinks it is working, more or less, but not too engaged because otherwise you will feel your heart pulled all over the place and start feeling rejected and hurt again. That is a hell of a tightrope to walk. How long do you have to hold out?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 24, 2017 19:05:59 GMT -5
That unusually long hug, a peck, and her coming down stairs to you, in her mind can easily be a "re-set". Another control grab perhaps?
In her mind it looks like "I compromised I came to him, I extended the olive branch". That's also how it "could" look on the surface to the other family members?
Even if she offers you more bait, a reset, sex. Many of us can testify that it ends up being "the tipping point" towards a total detachment, and not a fairy tale beginning to a land of unicorns and rainbows!
The sex feels forced. The desire , romance, and sexual appeal faded long ago. You are dealing with lots of doubt and fears. Especially once it's over. What happens the next day when you say, "we should do this all the time?"
Instead things deteriorate even faster. You can't change a controller.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 24, 2017 22:55:45 GMT -5
I am trying to get my head around your strategy here. You are on the college plan, right? So your goal is to hold the marriage together while your kids get a little older without causing any major ruptures or do anything which is going to hurt your kids. But at the same time you need to preserve your sense of self and dignity so there is something left of you when you leave. So you are distancing yourself from your wife and counter-refusing. But you don't want to come out and tell her you are doing that because that will potentially cause a major rupture and fuck up your home environment. Which means you have to be kind of engaged in the marriage so she still thinks it is working, more or less, but not too engaged because otherwise you will feel your heart pulled all over the place and start feeling rejected and hurt again. That is a hell of a tightrope to walk. How long do you have to hold out? Yeah you have me pegged. I have 7 years until youngest turns 18. I'm not exactly resolute in my determination to hang on that long. But I'm looking pretty hard at the "jobs" plan: Once they both have cars and gas money jobs (~5 years) then I won't have to do the drop off/pick up thing. They can come see me. Also my whole objection to only getting to see them every other weekend (The main sticking point for me) seems somewhat less relevant at that age (My oldest will already be an adult by then). I think maybe this plan is more realistic. Also, stuffing hope in exchange for detachment has made this a lot easier for me (THANKS ILIASM!) 18 months ago I was on a 6 year plan too. Then 6 months ago it became an 18 month plan. Tonight I'm sitting in my house happy as a pig in shit. My son and I just got done eating dinner, making stress balls (balloons and flour.. Who knew?) from YouTube videos, and watching the purge election year. Now that he doesn't live in demilitarized zone he laughs more. Time served is not an effective parenting strategy. |
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Post by lyn on Jul 24, 2017 23:59:03 GMT -5
There will come a time itme when the idea of sex with your wife makes you throw up in your mouth a little. Well, maybe not, but, what I'm getting at is, it's only reset sex if it works to reset you. If you can get her in on the actual sex part - just do it if you want to. It really only matters what goes on in your head -the one on top of your neck btw. What she thinks doesn't matter. Not - one - bit. Only you. If she were an actual partner in your marriage then yes, what she thinks about any sex you *might* have would matter. She's not holding up her end of the bargain - Who bloody cares what she thinks. Right? Screw her til the cows come home - doesn't mean you've been reset. Now....... this convo is probably all for naught I'm sorry to say. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 25, 2017 0:10:29 GMT -5
I have 7 years until youngest turns 18. I'm not exactly resolute in my determination to hang on that long. But I'm looking pretty hard at the "jobs" plan: Once they both have cars and gas money jobs (~5 years) then I won't have to do the drop off/pick up thing. They can come see me. Food for thought... as you whittle down the years of child support, you pile on the years of alimony. Get legal advice and do the math. Presuming you can find a solution for time with your kids, you may find that financially you aren't saving yourself much for the angst of delaying. You only get one life. |
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Post by baza on Jul 25, 2017 2:46:25 GMT -5
Straight up Brother itme . Do you have the appropriate legal advice from a lawyer in your jurisdiction about how a divorce would shake out for you now, and also at "college time" ? Do you know where - and how - you are going to live post "college time" ? Quite often, the "college plan" is little more than a vague idea of something you might do at some future date, and that really does not constitute a plan at all. And just as often it is more a matter of deferring dealing with the problem now by postponing it to an indeterminate time in the future. At which time you may or may not have a plan in place. I'd add, that there is nothing wrong with deferring / postponing. It is a legitimate a choice as any other. It is however, important that we do not kid ourselves, and the facts are, that if you haven't got a do-able exit strategy in your pocket NOW (even if the enacting of the strategy is 5 years hence) really means there is no plan at all. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 25, 2017 5:52:43 GMT -5
I have 7 years until youngest turns 18. I'm not exactly resolute in my determination to hang on that long. But I'm looking pretty hard at the "jobs" plan: Once they both have cars and gas money jobs (~5 years) then I won't have to do the drop off/pick up thing. They can come see me. Food for thought... as you whittle down the years of child support, you pile on the years of alimony. Get legal advice and do the math. Presuming you can find a solution for time with your kids, you may find that financially you aren't saving yourself much for the angst of delaying. You only get one life. Depends upon the state. Mine has no spousal ssupport no matter how long you've been married except in extreme cases. Which reinforces your point... Talk to a lawyer. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 25, 2017 6:28:09 GMT -5
I have 7 years until youngest turns 18. I'm not exactly resolute in my determination to hang on that long. But I'm looking pretty hard at the "jobs" plan: Once they both have cars and gas money jobs (~5 years) then I won't have to do the drop off/pick up thing. They can come see me. Food for thought... as you whittle down the years of child support, you pile on the years of alimony. Get legal advice and do the math. Presuming you can find a solution for time with your kids, you may find that financially you aren't saving yourself much for the angst of delaying. You only get one life. Depends upon the state. Mine has no spousal ssupport no matter how long you've been married except in extreme cases. Which reinforces your point... Talk to a lawyer. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2017 8:11:01 GMT -5
Free or paid for, my little bit of experience....it made no difference. What made a difference was going to several attorneys.
The first attorney gave me basics and a sales pitch. That answered questions. That opened the door for more questions.
Time to now dig deeper. Time to see another attorney with new questions. Continue the process.
After I spoke with 4 attorneys, (I paid one of them) I had a much better understanding of where I stand, and what I needed in an attorney, you learn the terminology as well.
A bonus to all this, is that with every attorney that you see in your town, that's one less attorney your wife can use.
A side note: In my case, one attorney had already been visited by my W. That was another tipping point, that helped me move forward.
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padre
New Member
Posts: 3 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by padre on Jul 25, 2017 13:12:55 GMT -5
18 months ago I was on a 6 year plan too. Then 6 months ago it became an 18 month plan. Tonight I'm sitting in my house happy as a pig in shit. My son and I just got done eating dinner, making stress balls (balloons and flour.. Who knew?) from YouTube videos, and watching the purge election year. Now that he doesn't live in demilitarized zone he laughs more. Time served is not an effective parenting strategy. Good for you, man. Having been there, I don't underestimate how hard it is on anyone or their kids to split up an SM. But certainly in my case my boys and I had a blast in our bachelor pad during the period that I was a single dad. I know they had their grief to work through over the break-up of the marriage, but it does appear that they genuinely view warmly the time they had with me on our own as "three blokes together". I kept them in good clothes and good food, I helped them do their homework, and I told fart jokes and taught them the finer points of artistic swearing. How could that get any better? |
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Post by baza on Jul 25, 2017 18:29:07 GMT -5
OK- not that worried about alimony. She makes way more than I do and is gettin ready to become partner in a big architecture firm. Also not worried about my smaller income sustaining me. My single income would stay still be above the US median household income. One problem maybe y'all can help me with: I'm concerned a free legal consultation may not get to the meat of what I need to know. I believe in paying working professionals for what they do. But the W has eyes on all my bank accounts, and I really don't want to dip in to the couple hundred I have in emergency cash. It would seem then, that your immediate plan is to get a hold of some cash to pay for a lawyer consult, and you already have $200. Suggest - - find out how much a consult will cost - start (and keep) squirreling money aside into your secret fund (from foregoing a pre work Starbucks etc, brown bagging your lunch, bogus expenditure like 'replacing the car battery' and suchlike) - meantime, see one of the "initial free consult" lawyers, and write down all your questions in preparation |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 26, 2017 7:10:51 GMT -5
Also, a lot of stores will let you take cash back, so you can slowly collect an extra $20 here and there. All with normal expenses at the normal locations.
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Post by baza on Jul 26, 2017 20:56:08 GMT -5
As a general principle, it is wise for BOTH spouses (whether the marriage is an ILIASM shithole - or made in heaven) to be financially independent.
To have EVERYTHING jointly held is not such a great idea.
You (and her) both need to have a reasonable "discretionary spending" power where you don't have to be accountable to the other.
Obviously, what is *reasonable* needs to be negotiated, and needs to be fair for both.
It reads like you blew the "financial trust" up with that episode involving the homeless bloke, and no wonder your missus grabbed the financial reins. That was the smart thing for her to do at that time.
But that time was 6 years ago, and presumably you have been a financially prudent person since then.
Might be time to renegotiate the financial aspects of your deal with an aim of you BOTH having discretionary spending power after the bills are paid.
If that idea fills you with dread in regard to her reaction to such an idea, then you have even bigger problems ahead.
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