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Post by samedeepwater on May 10, 2016 6:48:41 GMT -5
Ugh, dating. The very thought makes me feel like I'm job-hunting. That's because it *feels* like job-hunting. I'm trying to get my mind turned around so that I look at it the way @bballgrl does, because I think that's s very healthy way to look at dating. I don't like it because I suck at sales and marketing. And it seems to me like it's all about marketing. I hate that crap. In a perfect world, I'd be able to immediately say to a man, "This is what I have to offer [describe self]; take it or leave it." But no. We have to do the game-playing. So, I'm resigning myself to that. And I'm postponing dating (in the sense of making myself available) until after I have had a couple of weeks to adjust to my new job. (Which is delayed because my security clearance hasn't come through yet. So I'm postponing dating indefinitely?) The thing is, as much as I dislike dating, I still want to be in a relationship again someday; and I will probably have to date to find a relationship. So, like I said, I'm dreading it, but I'm resigned to it. Yes. |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 10, 2016 6:53:11 GMT -5
And, as far as definitions go, this is my .02: 1) Dating - can mean "available," in which case you are not monogamous with anyone (yet.) 2) Dating - can mean "lite relationship" - two people have recently begun doing activities together (when it includes sex is up to them), on a one-on-one basis; they have some sexual/romantic interest in each other, but still have not totally made up their minds. It's too soon to say things like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." May or may not be monogamous. (May be monogamous by default, if the pickings are slim for people to date.) 3) Date - IMHO, indicates a degree of planning to spend time with a person where there is some romantic/sexual interest. If you see a movie with a strictly platonic friend, that's not a date. If you meet someone you have a crush on, by accident, during your normal activities, and the two of you stop for a cup of coffee, that's not really a date. But if you *plan* to meet someone for a cup of coffee, and there is a possibility of romantic/sexual interest (i.e., someone you know through OK Cupid), that is a date. It may not lead to a second date, ha ha, but it is a date if it was planned and the possibility is on both of your minds. Of course, the two people involved might disagree on whether it was or was not a date. And FWIW, I don't consider a one-night stand to be a date. Also IMHO, I don't consider outsourcing to be "dating." In my personal glossary of terms, "dating," is that light-hearted, open-ended situation where at least one person hasn't really made up their mind yet. Outsourcing, or affairs, IMHO, are more of a relationship than that; it's more of a conscious decision. I think I can rival samedeepwater for writing long, wordy posts. I was a journalism major. That and a dollar will get me a ride on the Metro. You should see me agonizing over the emails I send at work, which no one bothers to read anyway. And it's nice to know we're both qualified to ask if you want fries with that. And as far as your number 3, that's it. It's the turning planning into action I'm having trouble with. |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 10, 2016 7:13:10 GMT -5
@all of you. Thanks for taking time to reply. But. What a great word. English majors just love the pregnant pause. Whether I say I'm dating or not, doesn't change the fact that I still have to find someone willing to say yes. This is sort of akin to the debate about whether men and women find it easier to date. It's always been my contention that women have it easier. Maybe that's because, as a reasonably average looking, reasonably fit , geeky, but in a fun way, (I hate pina coladas, but would enjoy drinking bourbon in the rain) man, who didn't like dating when he was still young enough to do it, and didn't feel he was very good at it (damn, that's a run on sentence even Virginia Woolf would be proud of) I've always felt women had it easier.
If you take an average room of single men and women, it's a fair bet that 99% of the men would be ready and willing if a woman simply looked their way. On the other hand, it's typically the men who have to make the approach and women being the higher species are naturally more discerning and can pick and choose from among the horny bastards lined up waiting for their chance. Now granted it may be harder for women to find someone who bathes regularly and speaks in complete sentences, but am I wrong that you all have an unending line of applicants?
Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. But I hate finding myself in the situation I was uncomfortable in when I was 20 and having to learn to do it all over again at my age. Not to mention the fact I can't even remember when I slept with a woman last and am so horny right now I could hump a dog's leg.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 10, 2016 7:46:14 GMT -5
You did do a trade, and it is going to take time.
I do believe I would rather be single with baggage, than home alone married with baggage, avoiding someone.
Family can be like kryptonite . Look at David and Goliath. " I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle" Ah, family!
The worst blows come from those who know us well and should have loved us.
Look at Joseph.his brothers plotted to kill him. " here comes that dreamer" they said to each other. " come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes of his dreams". Joseph stands out, as we are all meant to stand out, each in his or her own way. Instead of celebrating your glory, your family wants to destroy it. A common story I am sorry to say.
Two things to remember, your heart is good, and that our heart matters!
It's been less than a year. You have a lifetime of guilt and hurt, of something that wasn't your fault to get over. You need a support group. I have a group of 9 other men I meet with once a week only for an hour. Just one sentence of encouragement can get me through the week. And encouraging others. You probably have memories of that coach or friend who said " that's okay, it happens, take a break. Now I wan't you to try again"
A friend on here just told me, " meeting people is so much easier when your younger. You have new schools, new classes, new bus routes, new jobs, new teams, new neighbors" things are different now that we are older, you have to put yourself out there to be rejected again, only this time you know what you want, not to be tricked again, and that your heart matters! And it's a good heart, with much to offer someone else.
Stick your foot in the water this week, not just your toe. You can't go into a coal mine wearing a white suit, thinking I just won't touch anything, and expect to come out clean!
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Post by itsjustus on May 10, 2016 20:01:01 GMT -5
And every morning I wake up thankful that I did. I was never so lonely as when I was sleeping next to the one person who vowed that I would never feel that way..... |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 17, 2016 12:46:04 GMT -5
SmartKat - I would caution not to make yourself behave in any certain way as it seems disingenuous to me. Be your self, real self, true self or you won't be attracting the right sort. This is just my opinion (but - I have really only gone on one "true date" and don't have a ton of experience in the post-SM realm really). I still have MUCH work to do on my on my own though. I have to be sure that I know who my authentic self IS so that I know when I am acting in line with my own true desires. Right now - that connection is still sketchy. But I won't put on an act - not at all - in order to attract a mate. I'll try my best to be me so that I only attract the RIGHT mate(s).
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2016 13:06:35 GMT -5
SmartKat - I would caution not to make yourself behave in any certain way as it seems disingenuous to me. Be your self, real self, true self or you won't be attracting the right sort. This is just my opinion (but - I have really only gone on one "true date" and don't have a ton of experience in the post-SM realm really). I still have MUCH work to do on my on my own though. I have to be sure that I know who my authentic self IS so that I know when I am acting in line with my own true desires. Right now - that connection is still sketchy. But I won't put on an act - not at all - in order to attract a mate. I'll try my best to be me so that I only attract the RIGHT mate(s). I agree!! 100% a take it or leave it attitude. That's my take on dating. There's a man I had been texting and taking too, we hadn't met in person yet however he already asked me out for Monday (which was yesterday). So he wanted me to text him a picture of myself and I had zero makeup on, it was the end of the day, I wasn't looking my best and I was grocery shopping. I was reluctant but I thought to myself well I'll give him a warning that I'm not wearing makeup and if he doesn't like what he sees he can cancel the date and not waste my time, take it or leave it. So I asked him if he wants the produce or dairy aisle for the backdrop and I sent him a pic of me in dairy. I hope next time he asks for produce - I'll be posing with a cucumber! Lol. Just be yourself and really it's a numbers game. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2016 13:22:51 GMT -5
Produce or dairy? That's funny!! A lot of good material there... But I digress?
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Post by dancingbear70 on May 17, 2016 15:46:46 GMT -5
SmartKat - I would caution not to make yourself behave in any certain way as it seems disingenuous to me. Be your self, real self, true self or you won't be attracting the right sort. This is just my opinion (but - I have really only gone on one "true date" and don't have a ton of experience in the post-SM realm really). I still have MUCH work to do on my on my own though. I have to be sure that I know who my authentic self IS so that I know when I am acting in line with my own true desires. Right now - that connection is still sketchy. But I won't put on an act - not at all - in order to attract a mate. I'll try my best to be me so that I only attract the RIGHT mate(s). I agree!! 100% a take it or leave it attitude. That's my take on dating. There's a man I had been texting and taking too, we hadn't met in person yet however he already asked me out for Monday (which was yesterday). So he wanted me to text him a picture of myself and I had zero makeup on, it was the end of the day, I wasn't looking my best and I was grocery shopping. I was reluctant but I thought to myself well I'll give him a warning that I'm not wearing makeup and if he doesn't like what he sees he can cancel the date and not waste my time, take it or leave it. So I asked him if he wants the produce or dairy aisle for the backdrop and I sent him a pic of me in dairy. I hope next time he asks for produce - I'll be posing with a cucumber! Lol. Just be yourself and really it's a numbers game. - Silly boy, the answer is always produce!!! How did the date go? |
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2016 16:07:57 GMT -5
I agree!! 100% a take it or leave it attitude. That's my take on dating. There's a man I had been texting and taking too, we hadn't met in person yet however he already asked me out for Monday (which was yesterday). So he wanted me to text him a picture of myself and I had zero makeup on, it was the end of the day, I wasn't looking my best and I was grocery shopping. I was reluctant but I thought to myself well I'll give him a warning that I'm not wearing makeup and if he doesn't like what he sees he can cancel the date and not waste my time, take it or leave it. So I asked him if he wants the produce or dairy aisle for the backdrop and I sent him a pic of me in dairy. I hope next time he asks for produce - I'll be posing with a cucumber! Lol. Just be yourself and really it's a numbers game. - Silly boy, the answer is always produce!!! How did the date go? Date was good. Dinner, good conversation, put put golf, kisses throughout the course, competitive, fun, playful, makeout session after, there was chemistry. Just a first date still early but he texted me all day today so I think there will be a second date. |
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Post by dancingbear70 on May 17, 2016 16:21:02 GMT -5
Wow! Good for you! Sounds like a great date! That has to warrant a second date! Right?
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 18:01:06 GMT -5
bballgirl So glad you had a great first date! Any kind ot dating story is interesting to hear post-SM, the bad ones can be most amusing, but it's encouraging to hear about the good ones, too!
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Post by bballgirl on May 17, 2016 18:11:48 GMT -5
bballgirl So glad you had a great first date! Any kind ot dating story is interesting to hear post-SM, the bad ones can be most amusing, but it's encouraging to hear about the good ones, too! Thanks Helen. This was the best one so far and yes there have been some bad ones and just some men that were total players. This man seems like he wants to do things with me as well as to me however he wants to take it slow before we get to sex which puts my refused radar up. I'll have a timeline and lay my cards on the table. On the one hand I say maybe he's being a gentleman and I appreciate that too. On the other hand the marriage mindfuck gets me scared. |
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Post by DryCreek on May 17, 2016 19:06:30 GMT -5
Thanks Helen. This was the best one so far and yes there have been some bad ones and just some men that were total players. This man seems like he wants to do things with me as well as to me however he wants to take it slow before we get to sex which puts my refused radar up. I'll have a timeline and lay my cards on the table. On the one hand I say maybe he's being a gentleman and I appreciate that too. On the other hand the marriage mindfuck gets me scared. It's a fine line for guys, especially with this crowd. Make your move too early and you get DQ'd for a false start. Move too slow and you risk getting friend-zoned! |
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Post by itsjustus on May 17, 2016 23:22:13 GMT -5
Thanks Helen. This was the best one so far and yes there have been some bad ones and just some men that were total players. This man seems like he wants to do things with me as well as to me however he wants to take it slow before we get to sex which puts my refused radar up. I'll have a timeline and lay my cards on the table. On the one hand I say maybe he's being a gentleman and I appreciate that too. On the other hand the marriage mindfuck gets me scared. It's a fine line for guys, especially with this crowd. Make your move too early and you get DQ'd for a false start. Move too slow and you risk getting friend-zoned! Yep! |
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