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Post by samedeepwater on May 9, 2016 6:46:18 GMT -5
I got to see my favorite cousin this weekend. She's always been my favorite, but now that she's about the only of member of my family who's still speaking to me, she's been a lifeline. She's also the only one in my family that knows all the details about my living through and journey out of my sexless marriage. She asked me if I was dating yet. She didn't know it, but this was an ill-timed question. I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and had even recently shared some thoughts to a friend on this subject. Because of all the thoughts that were running through my head, I actually wasn't sure how to answer her question.
Comments about dating by members of this forum and the former EP forum, actually made me wonder if I were dating. It appears it's somewhat a matter of definition. If dating is an active verb, and taken to mean actively spending time with a member, or members, of the opposite sex for pleasure, and hopefully recreation, then sadly, no, I am not dating.
If dating is a state of being verb, whereby you are hoping (longing) to meet a member of the opposite sex for pleasure and hopefully recreation, then I have been dating now for quite some time.
What got me thinking about all this (aside from the fact I'm a recovering English major) was that some members of the forum put a time limit on dating. They would say something like: I'm not dating now, but I plan to date in a few months. And some got very specific: I'm not dating now, but I plan to date in July. So, on the evening of June 30th, you're not dating, but come morning... Just seemed odd to me.
I'm not trying to be stupid, although English majors by definition have a state sanctioned degree in writing reams of paper about topics of no consequence. I know we all have to get that place in our lives where we feel we have to offer something of consequence to a member of the opposite sex, but what happens if we chance to meet someone who doesn't know about our arbitrary timeline? Do we take their number and tell them to call us back in July?
Or what about the flip side? Are we still "dating" if we seem to be having trouble actually finding someone who wants to spend some quality time with us? Oddly, those who set a time limit make it sound so easy. As if dating were something they could turn on or off, and when they turn it on, suddenly they have all the opportunities in the world. For some it may be easy. For others. not so much.
So, am I dating? Those of you who actually took the time to read this are no doubt nodding your heads and thinking, "no wonder he can't find anyone to go out with him."
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Post by tamara68 on May 9, 2016 7:01:02 GMT -5
If the question 'are you dating?' is questionable, ignore the question when you give an answer.
"I am looking for a date" or something. Or you could make sure your answer is correct in terms of language and logic, very well possible you are going to attract an equal minded woman.
"At this very moment I am not dating, but I am, however, trying to find an interesting lady who is - like me - not dating at this very moment, but looking for a nice intelligent man as myself".
(adjust language above to make it proper English, I am Dutch so I can not do better than this)
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Post by greatcoastal on May 9, 2016 7:29:59 GMT -5
I have questions that are answers.
I have a plutonic friend who is single,long been divorced. She calls me, my first response is, " what can I do for you?" I am always helping her move, or giving her kid a ride, etc..I go over to her place, and we put down her floor together, paint walls together. Is that a date? ( I tell my wife were I am going)
If I am going to a group gathering, and I talk with someone one on one for a long time, is that a date?
If I intentionally ask someone out, meet them somewhere, and all we do is communicate, is that a date?
If you had a one night stand with someone, and know you will never see them again, are you dating that person?
If you make arrangements to be with someone, one on one, and all you do is talk about bicycling, is that dating? What if another woman you met asked you, are you dating anyone? What would your answer be?
There has to be some level of intimacy,and a desire to be with that person as more than an acquaintance, in order to tell someone, we are dating.
I am with you about the time limit thing, some folks are all talk. Delve a little and find out they have been stringing someone along for a while, or they have no idea, what it is like out there!
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 8:46:28 GMT -5
Well thank you, Professor Semantics! Now I can't stop turning this over and over in my mind! I always assumed I knew what "dating" means, but now you've got me pondering. Does it mean you are available or actually seeing someone? Are you dating someone if it's the first time you meet them or does it only become dating if you go out with them more than once? Argh! Thank you for twisting my brain into a pretzel this morning. No more reading your posts until I've finished my cup of coffee.
I do think your cousin probably meant to ask if you are going out with anyone at the moment. Although it's possible she was just asking if you are now available and looking for someone. Or perhaps she was intentionally using a relatively vague term as an open-ended type of question to draw you out?
As far as the time limit thing goes, I think for many people it's a mental exercise. Giving yourself a time frame is a way of controlling your world. Someone might think, "I'm almost done with this divorce, then I'll give myself three months to settle into my new life and routine, and then I'll start dating." It's an attempt to give structure to something too full of possibilities both enticing and horrifying to contemplate otherwise. Can you really schedule meeting someone that you will end up loving? I say, of course not, but you can choose to make yourself available. Some people actively seek relationships through dating sites or group activities (which is what they mean when they say "I'm going to start dating in July"), others may just continue their normal activities and hope that they will run into someone special in the course of their life.
I don't know if you are "dating" because I'm no longer completely sure how to apply that term, but it sounds as if you are now available to meet someone and explore the possibilities. What you call it is less important than how you feel about it.
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Post by wewbwb on May 9, 2016 9:50:37 GMT -5
I am not a smart person. I'm just the guy who fixes things. All I can say is -if you're not sure if you're dating- You're not. It's a bit like porn vs art. I can't explain the difference but I know it. And watch it.  |
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Post by unmatched on May 9, 2016 10:05:14 GMT -5
My vote is that 'dating' is active. You have to be actually going on (preferably one on one) with somebody with the intention of at least seeing whether you want to take the relationship beyond just being friends. So talking to someone in a group setting doesn't count. Going out for coffee with them does (unless you are just friends and planning to stay that way).
You can of course be 'open to dating', or 'getting ready for dating' or 'looking for a date'. But actual dating is like driving - you have to be sitting behind the wheel and the car has to be moving.
I am not laying any claim to this being a definitive guide to anything though.
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Post by bballgirl on May 9, 2016 10:17:04 GMT -5
I would consider myself dating. Originally I planned to wait until the school year was over but I have an impulsive side to me and it was March with Spring Break so I jumped the gun because I was bored and figured let me get a little familiar with this new dating world before Summer hits because the last time I dated the internet did not exist.
I think private messaging a little on EP got my feet a little wet for the online dating scene so I'm not a total fish out of water but I have a lot to learn and that's my point of view with this dating experience. So since March I have basically had a handful of first dates, a couple of second dates but nothing has stuck. I'm meeting interesting people and learning about myself in the process.
Yes I would say I'm dating just in general because I go out with men.
If I met someone that knocked my socks off then I would say that I'm dating "whoever" exclusively if we BOTH wanted that.
As well I am opening myself up to rejection as well as learning how to put myself first and exercise the right for me to decide and actually be capable of telling someone that I don't think they are right for me. The old me may have felt to weak or nice or kind to want to hurt somebody and didn't put what I needed out of a relationship first and look at where that got me 23 years later! Sigh.
As well the first date i went on the man didn't contact me until 2 days later and said that he wasn't right for me.
I was thankful for the honesty because I don't want to waste time with someone that is not feeling it. We all know how that ends up.
I'm also aware of the fact that someone can be totally into you for a week, a month, a year and then they get tired or bored or whatever. I don't know if I believe in true love anymore. I'm probably jaded but I believe in dating and having fun and living for the moment and if I'm happy on a Friday night and got to experience a super fun time and it brought my life some happiness then I'll take it. I may be sad or lonely on Sunday but there's always another Friday night.
I do believe if I want to find love someday then I have to put myself out there. If I want to get lucky in love then I have to play the game. Nobody wins the lotto if they don't buy a ticket and play. Just my philosophy.
As far as love though I do have my children and I love them with all my heart and if the love I share with them is all I have in my future then I am thankful for that because it's such a pure love that does not perish the way romantic love does.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 11:11:36 GMT -5
Ugh, dating. The very thought makes me feel like I'm job-hunting. That's because it *feels* like job-hunting.
I'm trying to get my mind turned around so that I look at it the way @bballgrl does, because I think that's s very healthy way to look at dating.
I don't like it because I suck at sales and marketing. And it seems to me like it's all about marketing. I hate that crap. In a perfect world, I'd be able to immediately say to a man, "This is what I have to offer [describe self]; take it or leave it." But no. We have to do the game-playing.
So, I'm resigning myself to that. And I'm postponing dating (in the sense of making myself available) until after I have had a couple of weeks to adjust to my new job. (Which is delayed because my security clearance hasn't come through yet. So I'm postponing dating indefinitely?)
The thing is, as much as I dislike dating, I still want to be in a relationship again someday; and I will probably have to date to find a relationship. So, like I said, I'm dreading it, but I'm resigned to it.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 11:25:12 GMT -5
And, as far as definitions go, this is my .02: 1) Dating - can mean "available," in which case you are not monogamous with anyone (yet.) 2) Dating - can mean "lite relationship" - two people have recently begun doing activities together (when it includes sex is up to them), on a one-on-one basis; they have some sexual/romantic interest in each other, but still have not totally made up their minds. It's too soon to say things like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." May or may not be monogamous. (May be monogamous by default, if the pickings are slim for people to date.) 3) Date - IMHO, indicates a degree of planning to spend time with a person where there is some romantic/sexual interest. If you see a movie with a strictly platonic friend, that's not a date. If you meet someone you have a crush on, by accident, during your normal activities, and the two of you stop for a cup of coffee, that's not really a date. But if you *plan* to meet someone for a cup of coffee, and there is a possibility of romantic/sexual interest (i.e., someone you know through OK Cupid), that is a date. It may not lead to a second date, ha ha, but it is a date if it was planned and the possibility is on both of your minds. Of course, the two people involved might disagree on whether it was or was not a date. And FWIW, I don't consider a one-night stand to be a date. Also IMHO, I don't consider outsourcing to be "dating." In my personal glossary of terms, "dating," is that light-hearted, open-ended situation where at least one person hasn't really made up their mind yet. Outsourcing, or affairs, IMHO, are more of a relationship than that; it's more of a conscious decision. I think I can rival samedeepwater for writing long, wordy posts. I was a journalism major. That and a dollar will get me a ride on the Metro. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 9, 2016 11:25:44 GMT -5
Ugh, dating. The very thought makes me feel like I'm job-hunting. That's because it *feels* like job-hunting. I'm trying to get my mind turned around so that I look at it the way @bballgrl does, because I think that's s very healthy way to look at dating. I don't like it because I suck at sales and marketing. And it seems to me like it's all about marketing. I hate that crap. In a perfect world, I'd be able to immediately say to a man, "This is what I have to offer [describe self]; take it or leave it." But no. We have to do the game-playing. So, I'm resigning myself to that. And I'm postponing dating (in the sense of making myself available) until after I have had a couple of weeks to adjust to my new job. (Which is delayed because my security clearance hasn't come through yet. So I'm postponing dating indefinitely?) The thing is, as much as I dislike dating, I still want to be in a relationship again someday; and I will probably have to date to find a relationship. So, like I said, I'm dreading it, but I'm resigned to it. It's a total mind set to be ready for it. I go in with low expectations and that keeps me in check. |
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2016 11:50:02 GMT -5
I think my expectations are SO low that that's why I dread it.
I "expect" to have to do a lot of work on my appearance and behavior, and be willing to compromise on some of the things I really want. Due to the man shortage, I "expect" to find few men available, and again, have to compromise on what I really hoped for - if I want to date anybody at all.
No, I really don't "expect" much out of dating. I anticipate getting all dolled up and behaving myself, so that I can meet maybe 2 or 3 guys who aren't really "it" for me...and then THEY decide that I'M not good enough.
With the kind of expectations I have for dating, is it any wonder that I'm finding excuses to postpone it?
But, I know I'll have to do it. Hopefully, there will be at least one age-appropriate man who is attractive to me, who will think I'm good enough the way I am.
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Post by petrushka on May 9, 2016 18:23:52 GMT -5
Ha, samedeepwater. Ha."the flip side" - indeed.
I like Fiery's first 'definition'. As far as I am concerned, I am 'dating' when I actually have someone to go out with in order
to a) have fun as a relation building exercise or b) find out if this is someone whom I'd care to let into my life.
So it involves having someone to date, and going out with them with certain specific intentions. Going to see a Picasso exhibition
with someone whom I have known since we were 2 and who is not romantically interested in me is not 'dating' in my book.
And, of course I can set dates for dating. "I'll be ready for dating once I get past this candida infection". "I'll be ready once
I've closed this business deal that requires me to work 17 hours a day".
Personally, I can see the option of dating becoming available to me once I get my new house built and actually live within 15
minutes of a few thousand people, one or two of whom might possibly be available for dating. While I am still living in the middle
of the Sahara desert, I am not going to worry about how to fill my swimming pool. (I'm sure as an English major you know your way
around a metaphor).
<cheeky smile, and a hug> -P.
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Post by petrushka on May 9, 2016 18:51:59 GMT -5
I think my expectations are SO low that that's why I dread it. I "expect" to have to do a lot of work on my appearance and behavior, and be willing to compromise on some of the things I really want. Due to the man shortage, I "expect" to find few men available, and again, have to compromise on what I really hoped for - if I want to date anybody at all. No, I really don't "expect" much out of dating. I anticipate getting all dolled up and behaving myself, so that I can meet maybe 2 or 3 guys who aren't really "it" for me...and then THEY decide that I'M not good enough. With the kind of expectations I have for dating, is it any wonder that I'm finding excuses to postpone it? But, I know I'll have to do it. Hopefully, there will be at least one age-appropriate man who is attractive to me, who will think I'm good enough the way I am. Well, people have different ideas of what's important to them. I did a lot of dating between becoming emotionally available again after my first marriage breakup, and finally finding someone whom I'd consider as a life companion. A LOT. This is what I distilled out of my experiences: Do not set low expectations. Set high expectations, but not pie-in-the-sky high. Call me a snob, but if your IQ is not 115+, you won't be seeing me again. If you're a zealot, a bigot, go stone-faced when I make a joke, or you have no social conscience, ditto. If you're nutty about food, you won't move in with me ... unless it's the "I don't like a shit sandwich" kind of nutty. ... If you won't open up and at least tell me a little about yourself, or if you talk so much that you talk right over the top of me and don't hear a thing I say ... not going to happen. I won't expect you to look like Grace Jones, sing like Aretha Franklin, have a post-doc degree in psychology or astrophysics, you know, sky-high. It's just life, I think, that you run across a lot of people whom you're not compatible enough with to actually strike up an intimate relationship with them. Some may end up being acquaintances, some may end up being friends for years, but only 'occasional' friends. Sometimes it's just bloody awkward, so I'm polite and attentive and say 'thanks for a delightful evening, but I think I won't be available for a while', at the end. Hey, it's life. You can be polite even to a complete arsehole so long as they're not in your face. (Harking back to that woman from KPMG here). As I see it: it's a journey. Look out of the window and enjoy the view while the train rattles along. You can hang out your shingle, you can actively pursue the goal, but if/when/where you find someone is serendipity. Getting impatient is like getting angry at the clouds when there's a shower of rain. Feel free to do it, but I won't join you in that. I really, REALLY do not think that you should have to spend hours and hours on your appearance and behaviour. I totally reject the idea that you should compromise on things that you really want. Be yourself, look yourself, declare yourself - those, I think, are about the best things you can do to find someone whom you can actually bear to hang out with later. To a man worth while hanging out with, your wit and the warmth in your eyes (assuming there is any) will mean more than your lipstick, manicure, or demure, 'put-on' body language. ymmv, imho and other standard disclaimers apply. -P. |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 10, 2016 6:31:03 GMT -5
If the question 'are you dating?' is questionable, ignore the question when you give an answer. "I am looking for a date" or something. Or you could make sure your answer is correct in terms of language and logic, very well possible you are going to attract an equal minded woman. "At this very moment I am not dating, but I am, however, trying to find an interesting lady who is - like me - not dating at this very moment, but looking for a nice intelligent man as myself". (adjust language above to make it proper English, I am Dutch so I can not do better than this) Have no fear. I'm from the southern United States, and you speak mo better than a lot of the people I work with But my concern wasn't so much how I answer the question. My real concern is that all I have done in the last year is traded a sexless marriage for a sexless single life. |
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Post by samedeepwater on May 10, 2016 6:47:27 GMT -5
Well thank you, Professor Semantics! Now I can't stop turning this over and over in my mind! I always assumed I knew what "dating" means, but now you've got me pondering. Does it mean you are available or actually seeing someone? Are you dating someone if it's the first time you meet them or does it only become dating if you go out with them more than once? Argh! Thank you for twisting my brain into a pretzel this morning. No more reading your posts until I've finished my cup of coffee. I do think your cousin probably meant to ask if you are going out with anyone at the moment. Although it's possible she was just asking if you are now available and looking for someone. Or perhaps she was intentionally using a relatively vague term as an open-ended type of question to draw you out? As far as the time limit thing goes, I think for many people it's a mental exercise. Giving yourself a time frame is a way of controlling your world. Someone might think, "I'm almost done with this divorce, then I'll give myself three months to settle into my new life and routine, and then I'll start dating." It's an attempt to give structure to something too full of possibilities both enticing and horrifying to contemplate otherwise. Can you really schedule meeting someone that you will end up loving? I say, of course not, but you can choose to make yourself available. Some people actively seek relationships through dating sites or group activities (which is what they mean when they say "I'm going to start dating in July"), others may just continue their normal activities and hope that they will run into someone special in the course of their life. I don't know if you are "dating" because I'm no longer completely sure how to apply that term, but it sounds as if you are now available to meet someone and explore the possibilities. What you call it is less important than how you feel about it. You know, this site would be a hell of a lot easier if you could just reply to individual responses. At least I gave you something to think about But maybe I was too opaque with all my english major bullshit. This is not about how to answer the question, and it's not about control. I can't say this without sounding desperate and pathetic, but I just want to find someone who will go out with me. Yes, I'm dating in that I'm open and ready to meet someone. I have been out of my sexless marriage for almost a year now and I have had exactly one date and still no sex. My object is to eventually find someone I can share more than a bed with but in the short term I am horny as hell and so starved for touch I find myself gnawing through the sheets at night. All I have done is traded a sexless marriage for a sexless single life. A lot of this has to with personal baggage I have carried around for nearly 53 years now. If it was only a matter of deciding to date and finding a date, this would be so much easier. Having the courage to actually ask someone out after growing up being made to feel you didn't matter to anyone is a whole other thing. How can you expect to have someone be interested in you if you feel you are not worthy of anyone's attention? That's what I have been working on as part of my rebuilding myself after my sexless marriage. And thank you for listening. We now return to our regular programming. |
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