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Post by WindSister on Jul 20, 2017 11:32:58 GMT -5
Instead of highjacking a thread, I am posting a new one in response to the above.
OMG. I am SO thankful my husband's ex is NOT a GU. I really don't think she is one. BUT -- she is still "the mom" and being "the mom" definitely brings privileges dad doesn't get.
Case in point -- his daughter is in the hospital being induced for labor, her first baby. He tells her, "Well, we will come visit when you say, I am sure you don't want us all gawking at you right now." She replied, "Yeah, I am just having immediate family here right now." (who is there now? her husband of course, his ex and her man and the father's mom/dad).
OUCH. GUT. PUNCH.
He didn't say anything, just wished her the best, etc. but when he hung up he said, "yup, I am no longer immediate family."
I reminded him that she meant she didn't want ME there. *I* am not immediate family. I told him he can go alone if he wants. He said he doesn't want to go there without me and will wait until baby is born and we get the invite. It hurts him, I see it. It's reality. He's disengaged a bit because of stuff like this. The step mom (ME), I think, is the reason the dad gets thrown to the curb even if the relationship is GOOD between the step mom and kids. It's crazy. I can't imagine adding an ex like described in the article to the mix. It would be even worse.
That said, she must have SOME of it -- I guess if I were her I would remind my daughter that dad IS immediate family. Saying nothing might mean she has a little bit of the need to be "THE" immediate family to her girls. Or she is truly clueless. Who knows. But this is the stuff that one gets to deal with after divorce, even with grown kids. I feel bad -- I know if I weren't in the picture, he'd be invited there. (and I really do have a good relationship with them.... and the ex. I haven't caused drama). Heck, when her other daughter was in the hospital, she (the ex) was texting me all the updates (we were babysitting the other kids of this daughter at the time). It's not a hostile environment between all of us at all.
Well, we just roll with it. It's a big reason why he will take me in his arms and say, "THIS, you and me, is my life now." He has no interest in competing with the ex. Please know, *I* am not encouraging the disengagement on his part. I stay out of his way with his relationship with his girls and allow him to make his own decisions because HE is the dad. I do encourage him to see them alone, without me. WHen hes on the phone with them, I leave the room and give him his space/privacy. But they continue to do this kind of subtle stuff (another time was all the parents invited to the wedding venue prior to the wedding to get ready except us) and it drives him away. Like he says, "I raised them, did my part, they are adults making their own choices. I will respond accordingly." I wonder if they have any clue at all what they are doing sometimes.
Well, just sharing thoughts.
THe stuff that comes up with divorce and moving on....
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 20, 2017 11:55:38 GMT -5
You picked up on that! Good for you! Good for your husband to have you!
The only "immediate family" is technically her husband. Everyone else is "relative" (pun intended)(just my point of view)
Sadly his daughter sounds like she's buying into the GU concept. The victim of more manipulation.
I like your husbands choice. Give them (H and W) their time together. A good time for the husband to show some control. Their will be plenty of time for the relatives to see the baby.
Wait and see who gets the phone call when they want a baby sitter for the Terrific Two's!!
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Post by WindSister on Jul 20, 2017 12:11:44 GMT -5
You picked up on that! Good for you! Good for your husband to have you! The only "immediate family" is technically her husband. Everyone else is "relative" (pun intended)(just my point of view) Sadly his daughter sounds like she's buying into the GU concept. The victim of more manipulation. I like your husbands choice. Give them (H and W) their time together. A good time for the husband to show some control. Their will be plenty of time for the relatives to see the baby. Wait and see who gets the phone call when they want a baby sitter for the Terrific Two's!! Yes, actually, my husband said that, too, about moving to relative status after she got married and her husband becoming "immediate family" But his ex-wife and her man are there, hovering. As are the in-laws. First grandbaby for her husband's side of the family so there's a lot of hoopla. They bought everything for them: crib, furniture, car seat.... We, on the other hand, are coming with a small bag of outfits and a binkie holder/rattle blanket thingie. Naw, they call dad when it's time to move or do house-fixing things, not babysitting. lol But I personally love when we get to babysit. And I am closest to the 2 year old grandson from his eldest daughter right now -- that kid won't leave my lap when I am around. That's because he spent a couple weeks with us already, so far, so we got to bond a bit. We are aiming for one good quality weekend at our house with all the grandkids a summer and then anything beyond that is bonus. These kids have LOTS of grandparents and we are the fringe ones by default, so we have low expectations. That isn't meant to sound bitter - just reality. We like our life and weekends, though, so it is all good. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 20, 2017 12:23:32 GMT -5
Maybe you ended up not going to see the baby because it's the right thing to do. On the surface the new Mom and Dad are pretending to get along with having "the immediate family" there. In reality they would rather be alone and do some bonding.
Think back for yourself. Did it really matter who bought all the material gifts? Can you remember all those baby gifts? Of course not. Do you remember. Visits from relatives and who junior liked the most? Sure do! That's what matters!
materialism.... yuck!
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Post by WindSister on Jul 20, 2017 12:28:19 GMT -5
Maybe you ended up not going to see the baby because it's the right thing to do. On the surface the new Mom and Dad are pretending to get along with having "the immediate family" there. In reality they would rather be alone and do some bonding. Think back for yourself. Did it really matter who bought all the material gifts? Can you remember all those baby gifts? Of course not. Do you remember. Visits from relatives and who junior liked the most? Sure do! That's what matters! materialism.... yuck! THanks, this perspective really helps. I don't have to feel bad, we ARE doing the right thing. Everyone doesn't have to rush to the hospital to stake claim on the kid. We will meet him when we get to at the perfect time. Phew. Much more refreshing. And, I so agree on materialism. We are about creating happy memories - these kids have tons of stuff. Side note on that one ---- before he met me, my husband WAS competing and spent hundreds of dollars for each birthday. Well, the 6 year old a few months ago brought a gaming unit my husband brought her a couple years prior. He told her he was impressed she still had it and she exclaimed, "Yeah, Papa B" (his ex's man) gave this to me!!!" My huband just smiled at her and said, "Wow, well isn't he nice to give such a great gift?" But he told me after, "And THAT is why we have a spending limit now..." lol Ah, the joys......... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 22, 2017 8:02:12 GMT -5
For me that Golden Uterus article blatantly points out things from my past ,present and future, that I was snookered into falling for.
Mislead by my spouse, society, religion, politics, family, upbringing,etc...all of it, or whatever parts of it, it still is an elephant in the room that needs to be dealt with. Hence the divorce.
Now comes the part of not falling into the same trap.
The article certainly addresses many parts of living with such a controller. I just wish it would talk about the lack of intimacy and sex that also comes with it.
Although it's not really needed. I can add those parts myself. Unfortunately I have plenty of experience.
Case in point.My W. Just ran off for 4 days to visit her sister, giving me 5 minutes notice.Our daughter was already showing all the symptoms of having the flu. I took her to the doctor yesterday. I had to call a nurse last night, and almost went to the hospital. This morning I am letting her sleep before giving her the medication. I will wait hours to see if there are more side effects. This is my time of the week to go mow 7 lawns before it rains. I will end up working in the rain. My daughters health comes first.
Yet my W thinks only she knows what's best for taking care of a sick child, because she's the MOM!
I am handling it just fine, on my own. Very similar to what I have been doing for 19 yrs as a stay at home dad.
Meanwhile don't interfere with her little vacation trip! Don't point out that divorce is weeks away. That I am not going to be here to pick up all your slack. That this is a fine example of what you will have to handle with out me.
NO! Don't dare tell her you need to get back home and take care of your daughter. Or that you should have left your car here and gotten a ride from your sister. I've emailed her all this information (including the cost) as soon as it happens. Does she respond? NO!
Yet not to long ago she immediately sent me emails wanting to know what happened with our daughters doctor visit? (she really just wants it recorded to try and make me look like a delinquent parent) Instead I told her, verbally " I didn't tell you anything because there's nothing to tell you yet. We are going to need more x rays and see another doctor. Then I will tell you."
How dare I take control, take the lead, act responsible, do that correct thing without her having full control over it?
Another double bind. Hence the divorce.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 11:27:46 GMT -5
Okay. His ex is not a "full-blown" GU, but gosh there are signs. 1. My husband's eldest kinda let it slip in a conversation that she (the ex) was mad when my husband started to refer to himself as "Grandpa" around the grandkids instead of HER preferred name for him (as in his ex-wife's preferred name for HIM) of "Papa." She is Nana, her man, whom she is not married to, is also Papa and apparently she wanted my husband to be Papa as well. I find that telling. And interesting. My husband didn't want to be Papa number 2 and he proclaims, "I am a Grandpa, none of that papa shit..." The kids call him Grandpa and say it so cute. I have been dubbed Jama (a cross between Gramma and my name) by the kids naturally. So we are Grandpa and Jama. Why did Nana need two Papa's and why did she care what her EX was called? Geesh. (noteworthy -- Papa is an ex-best friend of my husband, he and his ex were having an affair a good two years before she claimed she needed her space and asked for divorce, so it's really no wonder he doesn't want to share a damn title with him). 2. She "hearts" (loves) pretty much EVERYTHING my husband is in on Facebook if tagged by his daughters. I know, I Know ... the wrath of stupid Facebook again, but it's a REAL THING. His youngest daughter posted a picture of them with him on their wedding days and a Happy Birthday Message. She "hearted" it (which means she loves it) and then posted "Happy Birthday" to him under it. I am sure the moms will swarm me with why I need to be cool with this one, but here's my stance --- just because you "CAN" do something, SHOULD YOU?? No. Not always. LOVING your ex's shit is weird. A thumb's up is efficient. Keep it tactful. Anyway, so I "hearted" her happy birthday greeting to him. Yes, I did. Was that petty, I don't give a rat's ass. My hair stylist thinks it's legit of me to do that and she knows stuff. lol My husband is horrible on facebook so he hasn't even seen that greeting yet, not sure he ever will. He actually talked to that daughter on the phone and we spent time together so the facebook announcement was just a double greeting. Funny side note, though -- the ex didn't "heart" her other daughter's birthday greeting to dad which also had a nice picture of the girls and him attached but ended with "Enjoy the day with that beautiful wife of yours." So, she does pick and choose which posts she will "extend her love to." Sorry -- had to get it out. Please don't judge me as being petty, I am telling you, Facebook makes things WEIRD. But it's not going away -- so I will do with it what I want to keep myself sane and entertained at times.  I dare anyone not to feel a little weirded out by their man's EX "hearting" his shit on facebook...... A heart says you love something. Tone it down woman. Boundaries. Disclaimer: It's not a BIG Deal -- just a little annoying thing and I am treating as such, ultimately just shrugging it off, but I do have thoughts about it that I am only sharing here. |
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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 12:04:47 GMT -5
P.S. I do sympathize with his ex that it probably sucks bad to see her own daughter refer to me as her ex's "beautiful wife." So I get she has to deal with stuff on her end she didn't want to have to deal with.
But, I have said it once and I will say it again -- that's why you have to weigh the consequences of your choices. If you choose to divorce, your ex will move on and find new love and that new love WILL have relationships with your kids because the kids are important to your ex and thus become important to his new woman. No one will take the place of mom, but there will be additional adult units you will need to exist with. Hopefully it's a graceful, tactful existence with respectful boundaries (both ways).
For the record, I employ respect when it comes to her daughters posting HER way - I stay clear. I don't need to "pop up" in every post that the kids are in with or for her. But, obviously, she doesn't feel that same need to be respectful, she has to make it clear over and over, she is there, she's the original, she's THE MOM.
It's cool. I get it.
Shrug.
But, like I said, I do have thoughts about it....
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 12:09:55 GMT -5
I like your H. More and more! I like his approach, and answers. Knock her off that pedestal, level the playing the field. Ignore her presence and do what is right. You (and your husband) would benefit from the book " Saying Goodbye to Crazy" It reinforces your beliefs quite well. www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587SI don't even know how to do the heart, underline, post pictures Fakebook stuff. But I do know how to use the phone, and how to visit people. For example: My only sibling, my older sister, had surgery last week. She called me to personally talk to me about it. She said" I wanted to tell you personally. I didn't want you ,or your daughter reading it on facebook only." I rarely use fakebook but my daughter does and my wife. There was no phone call to my wife. Instead I put my daughter on the phone. Guess who's now dying to visit her niece, who she hasn't seen since she was 6 months old? That was a whole lot more meaningful than some dumb heart symbol on fakebook. Don't you think? I am going to have my daughter call her Aunt today to ask about her surgery and share her first day of H.S. with her. Instead of a "like" on fakebook. It seems to come back to communication, and actions, doesn't it? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 12:21:16 GMT -5
P.S. I do sympathize with his ex that it probably sucks bad to see her own daughter refer to me as her ex's "beautiful wife." So I get she has to deal with stuff on her end she didn't want to have to deal with. But, I have said it once and I will say it again -- that's why you have to weigh the consequences of your choices. If you choose to divorce, your ex will move on and find new love and that new love WILL have relationships with your kids because the kids are important to your ex and thus become important to his new woman. No one will take the place of mom, but there will be additional adult units you will need to exist with. Hopefully it's a graceful, tactful existence with respectful boundaries (both ways). For the record, I employ respect when it comes to her daughters posting HER way - I stay clear. I don't need to "pop up" in every post that the kids are in with or for her. But, obviously, she doesn't feel that same need to be respectful, she has to make it clear over and over, she is there, she's the original, she's THE MOM. It's cool. I get it. Shrug. But, like I said, I do have thoughts about it.... This "she's the MOM" only has a shelf life of a few weeks. Your H is right to get rid of those rotten potatoes full of gnats in the pantry. My daughter was adopted when she was two. The only reason we know her BD, is because when they found her on the street she still had her umbilical chord attached. My W came up with this " Tummy mommy, foster mommy, and adoptive mommy" stuff. For my daughter and me, I am Dad, her father. That's about as far as it goes. My actions over rule any tittles or GU syndrome. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 12:58:37 GMT -5
So... how is the baby doing? Mom and dad? Have you been over for a visit? Was it much more special having just the 5 of you?
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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 13:19:27 GMT -5
greatcoastal - Thanks. My husband is pretty cool, but you all hear that a lot on these boards from me. You are teaching your daughter well. Real life communication and face-to-face does mean more, for sure. A part of me knows I would find much more peace if I let Facebook go but then I have real friends on there and get SO MUCH from sharing with others because I do share real stuff. I am no different there than here, but have to be more "PC" on FB. I weeded out fake friends, mostly extended family who judge instead of actually have a relationship with me. Same with old high school people. I had no use for high school when I was IN high school so I sure as hell have no use for those people now. (Can't be fake) I know some say if you don't have long-term, long-time friends that points to how flawed you are, but I don't think one is always flawed in that case. No, I don't keep in touch with friends from days gone by but that's because I am not that same person I was back then. At all. On any level. Anyway - I shouldn't complain about his ex, it's just some of that stuff is weird and noticeable and I don't love territorial stuff, even though I know sometimes I may engage in some of it myself. Though. to be honest, I keep my territorial issues in my own head, I don't usually act out on that crap, The "hearting" (damn Facebook for making that a word) of her Happy Birthday comment to my husband is a rare thing for me that I will no doubt feel guilty about doing now. grrrr!!! Oh well, I can't unheart the heart. Oh well. She started it. She should keep her hearts to herself when it comes to her ex (my husband). Yeah, she doesn't communicate with him in real life. They used to send "Happy Birthday" texts to each other but that stopped two years ago. NOt sure why, she just stopped sending it to him Maybe because I am in the picture? Not sure, but not going to lie, I don't hate that that tradition stopped. They also stopped sending "Happy Mother's Day and "Happy Father's Day" texts to each other. In person they have always been VERY business like. No hugs. Short sentences. Fake laughs. Fake questioning of how things are going, etc. Her man always hugs me when I just try to greet with a handshake. My husband gets pissed at that so then he will hug her man, too... lol. It's comical. "Ah.. we are hugging, alright!! How's it going?" and he gives him a big old "bro hug." But he won't hug the ex. ANYWAY --- that just brings up another point -- just because something is easy to do, SHOULD WE DO IT? No. Not always. SO, if you aren't all "lovey dovey" with someone IN REAL LIFE, maybe hold back gushing over them on Social Media. Same with his ex-girlfriend who texted him a "Congratulations" at midnight on our wedding night. (TACKY AS HELL) If you aren't going to send a wedding card to someone, in real life (Which she did not, to no surprise of anyone), maybe it's not cool to text them at midnight on their damn wedding night. She has been blocked from all our devises, numbers, emails and facebook since. I still feel a little peeved that we had to spend a half hour on our wedding night doing that, though. Some people are just so incredibly clueless. This concludes another inside glimpse of what fun post-divorce can bring into your life. Be smart. Respect boundaries. Don't be tacky.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 10, 2017 13:21:06 GMT -5
So... how is the baby doing? Mom and dad? Have you been over for a visit? Was it much more special having just the 5 of you? The baby is awesome and we have gotten to visit three times already in three weeks. It was special and very nice not to have to share visitation with his ex and/or the other grandma simply because I can be more myself when they aren't all around. I don't feel like I have to fade into the background. The other grandma is super nice to me if it's just her and I but if his ex is there, I kid you not, I am invisible. Thanks for asking!!  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 13:44:51 GMT -5
So... how is the baby doing? Mom and dad? Have you been over for a visit? Was it much more special having just the 5 of you? The baby is awesome and we have gotten to visit three times already in three weeks. It was special and very nice not to have to share visitation with his ex and/or the other grandma simply because I can be more myself when they aren't all around. I don't feel like I have to fade into the background. The other grandma is super nice to me if it's just her and I but if his ex is there, I kid you not, I am invisible. Thanks for asking!! Good for you! And everyone else too! Sounds like grandma has her own "issues" to deal with that go all the way back to traditions, and upbringing. It's sad that people can't over ride that with virtues, kindness, treat others the way you want to be treated , respect, and common sense. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 10, 2017 14:09:03 GMT -5
You know your H's ex behavior on Fakebook can be a good thing. It re-enforces the fact that he made the right decision to get away from her. Now he has someone far more valuable and worthy---YOU!!!
It does come back to boundaries again. That "Grandpa Papa" deal has GUS all over it!
Personally I would have wanted to turn around and dubb her BITCH. I mean, that is what you call a female fox! What's wrong with that? If she want's to decide what every one is to be "dubbed" then dubb her. Then let your H tell her, "I learned from the best. Just following what you taught me". Then praise GOD that he really isn't anything like that. Now.... I wouldn't get into such a spiteful habit, but it sure is good once in a while to put them in their place. She is just using her offspring to get her own needs met.
I mean ,I am going to find myself literally telling my ex, "shut up, stop, end of conversation, we are done here. That's not what I said and IT WILL BE THIS WAY" There's just no compromising with a controller, a GU.
She falls right into that category of a one way street paved with double standards. Fortunately the conversations, and cards are becoming less and less. As it should be.
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