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Post by Chatter Fox on Jul 18, 2017 19:26:26 GMT -5
...all of it. Just life. I don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm trying. I really am. I just don't know how to keep moving on. I don't see the point. I'm not suicidal or anything but I just don't understand anymore. Every day ...every
... single... day ...over the last 2+ years has had at least one long bout of thoughts surrounding the internal debate of leaving my wife. I haven't had any rest from my own torturous thoughts. I really think that deep down inside... I want a divorce. I just do. ... I really do. I'm just so scared. Im afraid that it'll be worse if i leave. I'm afraid that I'm the problem. I'm afraid of how this will effect my kids and my relationship with them. I'm afraid of finances. I'm afraid of how she will react. I'm afraid of how everyone else will react. ... I just want out. I really think I do. ...yet there is this fucking comfort of staying. This warm and familiar god damn comfort that I hate... yet that I cling to. Anyone else feel this way?
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Post by pfviento on Jul 18, 2017 19:38:16 GMT -5
Yes to pretty much all of this. You are not alone in feeling this way. There are no magic answers but I can relate to almost all of this.
The good news is there are options. They might all have consequences but they are there.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jul 18, 2017 19:57:10 GMT -5
...all of it. Just life. I don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm trying. I really am. I just don't know how to keep moving on. I don't see the point. I'm not suicidal or anything but I just don't understand anymore. Every day ...every ... single... day ...over the last 2+ years has had at least one long bout of thoughts surrounding the internal debate of leaving my wife. I haven't had any rest from my own torturous thoughts. I really think that deep down inside... I want a divorce. I just do. ... I really do. I'm just so scared. Im afraid that it'll be worse if i leave. I'm afraid that I'm the problem. I'm afraid of how this will effect my kids and my relationship with them. I'm afraid of finances. I'm afraid of how she will react. I'm afraid of how everyone else will react. ... I just want out. I really think I do. ...yet there is this fucking comfort of staying. This warm and familiar god damn comfort that I hate... yet that I cling to. Anyone else feel this way? I feel this way. I have felt this way for years and years. I am leaving next week and i still have most of the fear and uncertainty. There are no guarantees. But fear and uncertainty aren't going to decide things for me. These are not insurmountable obstacles. My life might not be any less lonely. Maybe ever. Or not. But one thing that i do know is that i will not allow myself to be treated this way any longer, and i will never look at myself as broken and unfixable again. If the only control i have or will ever have is in taking much better care of myself, well, that will just have to be enough. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 18, 2017 20:03:35 GMT -5
Chin up fellas. Im right here in the trenches with you. And I know that some days can really suck.
But each new day brings the promise of a new beginning. That is a gift. So we go again. And if we get the shit kicked out of us, we go again we dont stop. Because that is what we are born to do. And you must remind yourself each and everyday that you wont let the bastards get you down.
I came across the lyrics to the impossible dream when I was 11 years old. I memorized the words and orated it in front of my classroom. This event had a great effect on me and changed my way of thinking when I was an impressionable young boy. I share it now with you in the hopes that it might also provide a little inspiration. Keep the faith. We have your backs!
THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 18, 2017 20:04:12 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney to see how things will shake out?
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 18, 2017 20:14:47 GMT -5
I remember the feeling of comfort that you speak of.
Sitting in my house in the family room so familiar for so many years and if I get a divorce where will I live? There's no comfort with that.
The first thing I did was talk to an attorney to find out how much money I would have to live on.
I researched and looked at prices of rentals.
Did a budget.
Once I made the decision I took it one step at a time like the rungs of a ladder.
I never looked all the way to the top and overwhelmed myself.
One step and everything fell into place.
I'm happier. I'm not lonely most days but living in a SM I was lonely everyday.
Being free is not about hope it's about freedom and opportunities.
It's about what could possibly happen in the future the unknown.
That's exciting.
Be courageous!
Fortune favors the bold... And the smart so talk to an attorney if you haven't already.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jul 18, 2017 20:24:22 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney to see how things will shake out? Yep. I saw an attorney and have analyzed the crap out of this whole situation inside and out. It doesn't seem terrible from a financial situation. We are doing ok in those regards. We aren't killing it, but we aren't quite struggling either. I think I would be ok in a small apartment by myself nearby and make some personal sacrifices in the short term to ensure that the kids don't have to experience a major shake up (ie, they don't have to move out of the house with their mother). I am willing to do what needs to be done to keep their world from being too terribly shaken. ... I just don't care about my own personal financial situation in the short term, really. I think I'd be happy living on a tight budget by myself. I'd like to set it up so that the major sacrifice is temporary though. I'm thinking I'd like to push for a generous alimony situation that has a cut off date. Thinking 3 to 5 years of major sacrifice from me followed by a long time commitment to support the kids. That'll give her time to get her ass in gear to do something about her own income or find someone else to help support her financially. She makes an ok income on her own and could make a lot more if she finished up her schooling like she's been thinking of doing. Chance are, the things I'm willing to do are above and beyond what a judge would rule for us if it went to court. I just want to make sure it's fair for them without causing me to be totally screwed in the long term. With custody, I just don't know what to do about that. I need to do some major soul searching to decide what's best for the kids. I'm an involved father, so I think 50/50 custody would certainly be something I could pursue without much issue. I'm just not sure if 50/50 is what is best for them. I've read about it a lot. I just want them to be ok.  I'm just not sure that staying is doing them many favors. It may be a '6 of one, half dozen of the other' situation right now, unfortunately. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 18, 2017 20:24:59 GMT -5
I remember the feeling of comfort that you speak of. Sitting in my house in the family room so familiar for so many years and if I get a divorce where will I live? There's no comfort with that. The first thing I did was talk to an attorney to find out how much money I would have to live on. I researched and looked at prices of rentals. Did a budget. Once I made the decision I took it one step at a time like the rungs of a ladder. I never looked all the way to the top and overwhelmed myself. One step and everything fell into place. I'm happier. I'm not lonely most days but living in a SM I was lonely everyday. Being free is not about hope it's about freedom and opportunities. It's about what could possibly happen in the future the unknown. That's exciting. Be courageous! Fortune favors the bold... And the smart so talk to an attorney if you haven't already. Yes this! One step at a time. Eat the sandwich one bite at a time. The big picture is always scary, but life is a series of photographs to be taken as you arrive to the scene. Every one has those "oh shit what do I do" days (or months/years). But TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo is right - each day is a gift and worry is a waste of time.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 18, 2017 20:35:55 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney to see how things will shake out? Yep. I saw an attorney and have analyzed the crap out of this whole situation inside and out. It doesn't seem terrible from a financial situation. We are doing ok in those regards. We aren't killing it, but we aren't quite struggling either. I think I would be ok in a small apartment by myself nearby and make some personal sacrifices in the short term to ensure that the kids don't have to experience a major shake up (ie, they don't have to move out of the house with their mother). I am willing to do what needs to be done to keep their world from being too terribly shaken. ... I just don't care about my own personal financial situation in the short term, really. I think I'd be happy living on a tight budget by myself. I'd like to set it up so that the major sacrifice is temporary though. I'm thinking I'd like to push for a generous alimony situation that has a cut off date. Thinking 3 to 5 years of major sacrifice from me followed by a long time commitment to support the kids. That'll give her time to get her ass in gear to do something about her own income or find someone else to help support her financially. She makes an ok income on her own and could make a lot more if she finished up her schooling like she's been thinking of doing. Chance are, the things I'm willing to do are above and beyond what a judge would rule for us if it went to court. I just want to make sure it's fair for them without causing me to be totally screwed in the long term. With custody, I just don't know what to do about that. I need to do some major soul searching to decide what's best for the kids. I'm an involved father, so I think 50/50 custody would certainly be something I could pursue without much issue. I'm just not sure if 50/50 is what is best for them. I've read about it a lot. I just want them to be ok. I'm just not sure that staying is doing them many favors. It may be a '6 of one, half dozen of the other' situation right now, unfortunately. You are more brave than you think. For me, I am not willing to get out yet until my kids are off to college, which is probably at least 9 years from now. For me, I am trying to make it so that I can make it until tomorrow and outsource while this happens. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 18, 2017 20:37:49 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney to see how things will shake out? Yep. I saw an attorney and have analyzed the crap out of this whole situation inside and out. It doesn't seem terrible from a financial situation. We are doing ok in those regards. We aren't killing it, but we aren't quite struggling either. I think I would be ok in a small apartment by myself nearby and make some personal sacrifices in the short term to ensure that the kids don't have to experience a major shake up (ie, they don't have to move out of the house with their mother). I am willing to do what needs to be done to keep their world from being too terribly shaken. ... I just don't care about my own personal financial situation in the short term, really. I think I'd be happy living on a tight budget by myself. I'd like to set it up so that the major sacrifice is temporary though. I'm thinking I'd like to push for a generous alimony situation that has a cut off date. Thinking 3 to 5 years of major sacrifice from me followed by a long time commitment to support the kids. That'll give her time to get her ass in gear to do something about her own income or find someone else to help support her financially. She makes an ok income on her own and could make a lot more if she finished up her schooling like she's been thinking of doing. Chance are, the things I'm willing to do are above and beyond what a judge would rule for us if it went to court. I just want to make sure it's fair for them without causing me to be totally screwed in the long term. With custody, I just don't know what to do about that. I need to do some major soul searching to decide what's best for the kids. I'm an involved father, so I think 50/50 custody would certainly be something I could pursue without much issue. I'm just not sure if 50/50 is what is best for them. I've read about it a lot. I just want them to be ok. I'm just not sure that staying is doing them many favors. It may be a '6 of one, half dozen of the other' situation right now, unfortunately. It sounds like the kids and the custody is pulling at your heart the most. Would bird nesting be an option? With the apartment? Kids stay in the house parents use and share apartment when not with the kids. It's a tough situation and of course we want to have a happy loving marriage but life doesn't deal those cards for everyone so decisions have to be made and everything comes at a price. You divorce - there are sacrifices; You stay - there are mental and emotional sacrifices. The longer we stay the tougher it can be to leave but something that helped me in regards to the kids was: Our children want us to be happy the same way we want them to be happy. When they become adults they should know and be comforted that a parent didn't sacrifice their life because of guilt. As well how would your wife like it if her son was in an unhappy marriage? Well you are someone's son too. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 18, 2017 20:45:44 GMT -5
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 18, 2017 20:46:24 GMT -5
Chatter Fox. This is progress. But dont pressure yourself to leave before you are comfortable doing so. Put together your exit plan. Define the progress markers you will use to guage your progress. The financial plan. The living arrangements. The custody plans. The talk with your kids. The talk with the spouse. The legal consultation. Break it up into manageable chunks. As you move forward, check off these boxes one by one. Your plan wont come together in a day, but the day will arrive when the plan comes together. And when it does you will be prepared with your homework. All the best! When you're going through hell, keep going. - Sir Winston Churchill Have you spoken to an attorney to see how things will shake out? Yep. I saw an attorney and have analyzed the crap out of this whole situation inside and out. It doesn't seem terrible from a financial situation. We are doing ok in those regards. We aren't killing it, but we aren't quite struggling either. I think I would be ok in a small apartment by myself nearby and make some personal sacrifices in the short term to ensure that the kids don't have to experience a major shake up (ie, they don't have to move out of the house with their mother). I am willing to do what needs to be done to keep their world from being too terribly shaken. ... I just don't care about my own personal financial situation in the short term, really. I think I'd be happy living on a tight budget by myself. I'd like to set it up so that the major sacrifice is temporary though. I'm thinking I'd like to push for a generous alimony situation that has a cut off date. Thinking 3 to 5 years of major sacrifice from me followed by a long time commitment to support the kids. That'll give her time to get her ass in gear to do something about her own income or find someone else to help support her financially. She makes an ok income on her own and could make a lot more if she finished up her schooling like she's been thinking of doing. Chance are, the things I'm willing to do are above and beyond what a judge would rule for us if it went to court. I just want to make sure it's fair for them without causing me to be totally screwed in the long term. With custody, I just don't know what to do about that. I need to do some major soul searching to decide what's best for the kids. I'm an involved father, so I think 50/50 custody would certainly be something I could pursue without much issue. I'm just not sure if 50/50 is what is best for them. I've read about it a lot. I just want them to be ok. I'm just not sure that staying is doing them many favors. It may be a '6 of one, half dozen of the other' situation right now, unfortunately.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 21:58:40 GMT -5
ChatterFox, we are right here with you, so many of us in that limboland of stay-or-go. I think the best we can do is give ourselves options and educate ourselves. This involves having a plan and methodically working it (seeing attorneys, socking away cash, getting re-trained or re-educated, etc.).
I still struggle with the fear of leaving, to the point that some days I think I can't, or I think I won't. But I have a plan in place and I keep working towards my end goal. I think that when I get there next summer (to the end goal of a new career), leaving will just be a foregone conclusion. It'll be too late to turn the bus around. The plan will work for me as much as I have worked the plan, if that makes sense.
So, make a plan. Work it. You'll get there. And if "there" is right where you are, that's ok too. No judgment here whether you stay or go. Just be at peace with whatever you choose. And don't let fear drive the bus. Fear is a terrible driver!! 😉
Hang in there.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2017 22:07:55 GMT -5
I forgot this: not long ago I expressed to my therapist that it seemed like whether I stay or whether I go, my children will undergo pain or be scarred. It seemed to me that it was 6 in 1, half a dozen in the other, as you said.
Either my children live under the dark cloud of a marriage bereft of intimacy or they live under the cloud of divorce. There is no way for me to tell which one will hurt them the most. So my therapist said, "well, if that's the case, then maybe you should do what's best for YOUR emotional and physical health and the rest will work itself out."
I think that's relevant advice for your situation too. These variables are largely out of your control. So do what makes YOU thrive. Our children thrive when we do. And we lead by example. And I don't think martyrdom is a good example.
I need to take my therapist's advice!
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Post by baza on Jul 19, 2017 0:32:52 GMT -5
In these matters, like Sister @elle suggests, all sorts of things are *considerations*
The finances are "a" consideration.
Custody is "a" consideration.
How your missus would handle her end is "a" consideration.
Helping the kids transition through such a scenario is another consideration.
Managing the fall out with family and in laws is "a" consideration.
Managing your own emotional equilibrium through the process is "a" consideration.
Many things are "a" consideration in these situations.
But the over-riding consideration is *you* and your future.
A happy and emotionally settled and healthy *you* is going to do a good job of managing these considerations.
It is very very difficult to achieve a state of happiness, emotional settlement and health in an ILIASM environment.
Getting out will NOT make those consideration problems go away.
But getting out IS likely to get you into a better head space, from which you can deal with those considerations way better.
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I'm just not sure that staying is doing them many favors. It may be a '6 of one, half dozen of the other' situation right now, unfortunately. 
