I did it for me!

I did it.  I did it for me.  It wasn't for her.  It wasn't for my family.  I went to the doctor and got snipped.  I wasn't even going to tell her, but it slipped out in conversation a couple of weeks ago as we were doing some planning.  

She marked it on her calendar and said that she would help me in any way she could (more on that later).  Less than a week later she was asked to go on a work trip.  Yep... right when my surgery was scheduled.  But that's okay, because I did it for me.

She came back earlier today.  She thanked me for having the surgery.  But I didn't do it for her.  I did it for me.

If I had done it for her, I would have done it years ago.  But this wasn't about her.  It was for me.

I was finally ready.  It was for me.  It was so if I were to engage in outsourcing, I wouldn't have to think about it.  If I were to leave and find another, I wouldn't accidentally have another family to take care of.  I did it for me.  For my sanity.  For my freedom.

The doctor told me what I needed to do post surgery.  No sex for a week!  Okay, wife is certainly willing to help with that.

After a week, empty the gun 20 times.  Mentioned that to wife just to see her reaction (it was for me) and got that "deer in headlights" look.  That was fun, but again, it was for me.

There was a time, long since past, where it would have been for us, but that's been squandered, replaced with the notion that she doesn't care enough about me to love me the way I want to be loved.

So I do it for me.