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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 21:50:55 GMT -5
Even stopped trying to snuggle, as it felt I was bothering him. It's a crappy feeling. . Yessss! This is why I question why I tried. Jeez There are two possible reasons he avoids non-sexual intimacy. 1. He is not only not sexual but he is generally averse to non-sexual intimacy too. 2. He isn't averse to non-sexual intimacy but he is so sex averse that he fears any non-sexual intimacy will inevitably lead to an attempt by you to have sex with him If it's the latter then in principle you might be able to communicate to him that you won't take things any further. Ever. Which, of course, would be increasingly difficult because it would pretty much preclude you ever initiating, even if and especially if you were intimate in other ways, such as spooning to sleep at night. And that would likely drive you crazy over time. I know it would have driven me crazy. I think this is why these things usually (but not always) lead to a total loss of intimacy. It's like a chess game where every move leads to checkmate. |
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Post by bran127 on Jul 12, 2017 22:03:31 GMT -5
Even stopped trying to snuggle, as it felt I was bothering him. It's a crappy feeling. . Yessss! This is why I question why I tried. Jeez There are two possible reasons he avoids non-sexual intimacy. 1. He is not only not sexual but he is generally averse to non-sexual intimacy too. 2. He isn't averse to non-sexual intimacy but he is so sex averse that he fears any non-sexual intimacy will inevitably lead to an attempt by you to have sex with him If it's the latter then in principle you might be able to communicate to him that you won't take things any further. Ever. Which, of course, would be increasingly difficult because it would pretty much preclude you ever initiating, even if and especially if you were intimate in other ways, such as spooning to sleep at night. And that would likely drive you crazy over time. I know it would have driven me crazy. I think this is why these things usually (but not always) lead to a total loss of intimacy. It's like a chess game where every move leads to checkmate. No arguments. 2 is spot on. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2017 22:05:54 GMT -5
bran127 , your first post here pretty much tells all. Four months into dating your Husband, he told you he's asexual. He told you he had previous relationship failures because of that. You thought you were special and you could change that (read:change him). Not because you aren't very special, I'm sure you are. But you can't change who he is. You've been trying to change him for 12 years now. From his perspective, he's quite tired of you trying to make him something he is not. If he told you he was gay, would you spend 12 years trying to make him straight? This is absolutely no different. Your first post here makes it clear you should try not to blame yourself, no matter how hard that is because these rejections hurt so bad. Maybe you should accept him as who he is, and who he told you he was, at the very beginning of the relationship. And expend all that mental energy trying to decide what to do. Like many of us, you made a mistake thinking you could change him. You're not alone at all. So very true! I actually told a friend the other day that she is trying to change someone who will never be the man she wants. I should look in the mirror and take my own advice. Fuck! You were looking in the mirror when you made the first post on this site. You are a very intelligent and articulate woman. You laid out your situation succinctly. And it was clear to me that you understood clearly everything I just said. But the heart gets in the way. The AVEN site has a steady stream of posts that all read the same. A sexual partner is told that their partner is asexual. The asexual partner makes this quite clear and unambiguous. Yet they all try to accomplish the impossible. In most cases they aren't married yet, no children, no pregnancy. Just a heart overriding a brain. I just want to scream. It is so sad. Just wanted you to know you are not alone, by any stretch. Love makes people make bad decisions. |
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Post by orangepeel on Jul 13, 2017 0:33:54 GMT -5
I'm really sorry to hear this. It's been so long for me now since even an attempt was made for any form of contact that the SM situation has almost become a sort of abstract. So when I read of a scenario like this when the reality punches through so starkly, I just feel so sorry for the humiliation of it all.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 9:37:03 GMT -5
bran127, I am so sorry to hear this. I do know how this feels and it is terrible. I am sorry to say this and I know it is not easy to hear, but he just does not love you.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 13, 2017 11:52:51 GMT -5
There are moments in which hope and desire permit the incredible thought that one's partner has just forgotten how good sex can be, and maybe you can show them. It's not a very realistic thought. It's easy to trick oneself into the half truth that having sex is going to save the marriage. It isn't the having sex; it's the wanting it.
From there, it's not a far leap into thinking that you are married, and therefore SHOULD be having the sex to which a married person is entitled. This, despite knowing that one's partner isn't onboard. Arguing what's right instead of what's wanted.
From the day of deciding to separate -- accepting that I did not have and would not have any sexual activity with my wife, it took about two years for me to de-fog enough that I no longer am attracted to her sexually, and I can stand to be in the same room with her without getting overly upset. About 6 months ago, she touched my shoulder and I flinched awkwardly.
It gets better, but you have to start the clock ticking, with intention.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 13, 2017 14:51:36 GMT -5
bran127, I am so sorry to hear this. I do know how this feels and it is terrible. I am sorry to say this and I know it is not easy to hear, but he just does not love you. If I may rephrase that, he does not love you in the way that you need to be loved, and, he never will. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2017 15:11:47 GMT -5
bran127 , I am so sorry to hear this. I do know how this feels and it is terrible. I am sorry to say this and I know it is not easy to hear, but he just does not love you. If I may rephrase that, he does not love you in the way that you need to be loved, and, he never will. I think this bears repeating. Bran's husband probably does love her. There is no reason why an asexual cannot love. There are romantic and aromantic asexuals. He is probably a romantic asexual, or at least there is nothing in this story to suggest otherwise. But they are incapable of loving a sexual person in a way in which the sexual person is fulfilled and can find some sort of happiness. This forum is full of the wreckage of those that tried and failed, for decades. This distinction is a critical part of the path out of this Hell On Earth. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 14, 2017 14:06:02 GMT -5
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Post by ggold on Jul 14, 2017 21:41:04 GMT -5
bran127 , I am so sorry to hear this. I do know how this feels and it is terrible. I am sorry to say this and I know it is not easy to hear, but he just does not love you. If I may rephrase that, he does not love you in the way that you need to be loved, and, he never will. Exactly this^^^^^^^!! bran127 You both have different love languages. He is incapable of loving you the way you need to be loved. I am so sorry. I know how this feels. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 19:22:23 GMT -5
If I may rephrase that, he does not love you in the way that you need to be loved, and, he never will. Exactly this^^^^^^^!! bran127 You both have different love languages. He is incapable of loving you the way you need to be loved. I am so sorry. I know how this feels. Is Different love languages just a code word for totally sexually dysfunctional or does it mean something else? Seems to me love languages does not address her deal. |
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Post by baza on Jul 18, 2017 7:13:04 GMT -5
I think that those *love languages* - as applicable to an ILIASM deal - are pretty good guidelines to establish just how your avoidant spouse doesn't love you.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 18, 2017 17:00:58 GMT -5
If he told you he was gay, would you spend 12 years trying to make him straight? This is absolutely no different. This x 1000. If you knew he was gay, what would you do? And if this situation feels different to you, why? |
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