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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 13, 2018 12:03:08 GMT -5
Zip code therapy again provided further clarity.
Work is very challenging at the moment. Was given 2 hours notice this week to put together a presentation to our CEO outlining why the projected revenue of a major customer at his publicly traded company is moving out a quarter and why his baby (product) is not only ugly, but painstakingly hobbled. I was livid when I was asked to do this on short notice. With little time to prepare, it wouldnt be my best work or my favored approach. But I compartmentalized that feeling and got to work. And then...
I.NAILED.THE.DELIVERY
As soon as the meeting was done, people were complimenting me on the ability to deliver the bad news and not have the CEO throw a chair at the team. Dont get me wrong. He grilled me. He poked and poked looking for gaps in the narrative. But when all was said and done, we have a path forward and the CEO's support.
I told you that story so I could tell you this one. I thrive in these situations. The potent combination of adreneline and anxiety of the moment are funneled into a positive energy where productive outcomes happen. A huge boost to my confidence and my outlook especially as it relates to taking control of situations.
Back to zip code therapy.
The grieving for my relationship is coming to an end.
I have accepted that the latest iteration of the relationship I have with my wife the last 20 years is done.
The new nornal is being defined. It may be sexless, it may not be. I dont know yet. But it will not be dysfunctional.
New boundaries are being drawn up. My wellness and that of my kids is the priority. The only unknown is her role in it. That is a discussion that is pending.
To be clear. I wish her no ill will. She is and always will be the mother of my children. And she is a great mother in the balance.
Perhaps its time to reconsider the pretender sobriquet.
Onwards to a better existence!
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Post by javba on Oct 13, 2018 16:01:03 GMT -5
Amen Soldier on
Good work with the presentation 👍🏽
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Post by flounder on Oct 13, 2018 16:01:29 GMT -5
Contender better suits you I think.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 13, 2018 18:44:28 GMT -5
Amazing! On the presentation and clarity. Onward indeed!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 16, 2018 7:34:26 GMT -5
I miss the emotional connectedness I miss the physical intimacy
The mundane things that happen to me in the day to day cause me to be finely atuned to this reality. An accidental touch or innocent invasion of personal space for instance.
But I dont miss the fear of rejection. I dont miss the awkard moments where I have to wonder if its ok to touch you.
I want to tell you these things so you know what Im feeling and there is no question about it. But the relationship context doesnt seem to be right for me to say so. And thus I write so the sentiment can leave my thoughts and perhaps exist on their own even if it is solely in the cold anonymity that is the internet.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 16, 2018 11:58:10 GMT -5
This is a long fucking ramble that is all over the place but its more shit I need to get off my chest. And I need to do that now. So if you read this and its incoherent, I offer no apologies.
We are fond of saying around here that the why's dont matter. But perhaps in hindsight they do matter in such a way that you can look back on your path as you take a pause on your journey and reflect on how you got here in the first place. And it might speed up what needs to happen anyway.
The other other thing I will say to preface is that I used to wonder if the SM is a cause or a symptom of my relationship issues. Its becoming increasingly clear in my case that it is a symptom of underlying issues.
And thats the other thing about clarity, there should be safe doses. In my case, there is no clarity for months and then all of a sudden, you get smacked upside the head with so much clarity, that its overwhelming to the senses and you want to put it all back into the place from where it came but you cant because you've opened up pandoras box.
Sexual aversion of the emotionally dissatisfied kind.
There it is.
Plain as fucking day.
Thats what my SM is about.
It doesnt help the cause much to know that, but I do feel less like Im just wandering around. And I no longer fool myself into thinking she is low libido, or that we are mismatched libido. She enjoys a good fucking. But she is averse to it with me. And for good reason. I have no doubts that if the right guy came along at this moment, she would be ripe for the picking. As to wether she would or not, I may not ever know.
So what happened that resulted in this post?
I opened up a bit today. It was spontaneous. She showed me something on her phone that someone sent her that had made her laugh. It triggered a discussion that I wont go into length about here.
But at the end of the discussion, what came out is this. We are both highly disconnected emotionally. She has been increasingly so for a long time (years!). For many reasons all related to communication as a couple with blame to spare on both sides, this was not addressed head on when it reared its ugly head. But what is clear is the failure to do so has led us to where we are today.
I can only surmise at this point that at least some of the anger and resentment on her side stem from the guilt and sense of duty associated with reset sex. She felt she was a piece of meat to me. I say this because of the noticeable relative calm that has come by taking sex and initiation on my part out of the equation. I still dont have an explanation for her need to cuddle or the odd unwanted touch on her part. But alas, it is what it is.
I do feel like a complete fucking dufus for my part in this mess. For not recognizing the signs. For not comprehending more. For not being enotionally aware in the relationship. For expecting things to work out in the end because, hey, love conquers all.
Pause.
Perhaps I was deluded into my sorry state by the financial leverage I had in the relationship. Or perhaps it was because in the past we always found away to move on. Perhap, I was overly confident that "US" as a couple would always be stronger than us as individuals.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. It doesnt matter really.
I do think back to my bachelor days when I instinctively knew that I didnt want to be married. And now I think that it was my heart warning me that I didnt have the emotional awareness and relationship skills needed to work a successful marriage. Sure I could have worked on it along the way, and made the effort when the signs were there. But the fact remains that I didnt.
I dont know where we move forward from here relationship-wise. I asked her about that and her response was filled with contempt. An ominous sign for sure. One thing that is clear is that non of us are overly bothered at this time by the roommate arrangement. She made some comments way back initially, but now that there is some calm, seems that neither of us will rock the boat.
All this to say I dont think the clarity changes the current course for me other than the shock to the system. Im at peace with the fact that I cannot go back and change the past.
My priority remains on my wellness and that of my kids.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 16, 2018 12:12:45 GMT -5
I do believe this work of processing the relationship is worthwhile. A post mortem, if you will. We have all made mistakes and been blind. It is only to our benefit to identify those things and learn from them. Clean up your side of the street, so to say.
Why chasing is different IMO. That is lookong for the thing you can fix in the relationship, usually changing the other person in some way. That does not sound like what you are doing at all.
Keep growing. Keep venting. You are on the move, which is always better than being stuck.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 16, 2018 12:29:50 GMT -5
Thank you workingonit. Feedback is never expected on my part but I am grateful for it when it is offered. Venting feels good even if it feels like exposure and vulnerability. Relationship processing feels good. Seems like Im a sucker for that even if its in hindsight. You make an interesting distinction about why chasing. It did annoy me a bit that when we had the conversation, her responses seemed to suggest that she thought I was complaining and looking to change "things". I disagreed but didnt feel an overwhelming need to dig my heels in on that point. Maybe I erred there. It does suggest that there is still work to be done on my part in communicating effectively. I do believe this work of processing the relationship is worthwhile. A post mortem, if you will. We have all made mistakes and been blind. It is only to our benefit to identify those things and learn from them. Clean up your side of the street, so to say. Why chasing is different IMO. That is lookong for the thing you can fix in the relationship, usually changing the other person in some way. That does not sound like what you are doing at all. Keep growing. Keep venting. You are on the move, which is always better than being stuck.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 18, 2018 11:26:58 GMT -5
How can it be that two people love each other but the relationship dies. How can it be that signs were there all along but were missed. Then one day, she says something and its like the doorway to clarity is unlocked. And its like looking back and the signals were there all along but I did not see them or rather failed to recognize them.
Carelessness. Lack of relationship maintenance. Recklessness?
This is more accountability jornalling on my part today.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions for me these past few days. Im leaning towards drastically shortening the runway on a divorce liftoff. First step of course is talk to the lawyers. Any advice there is appreciated. I have a date in mind that Im going to work towards.
Onwards we go.
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Post by javba on Oct 18, 2018 11:44:15 GMT -5
How can it be that two people love each other but the relationship dies. How can it be that signs were there all along but were missed. Then one day, she says something and its like the doorway to clarity is unlocked. And its like looking back and the signals were there all along but I did not see them or rather failed to recognize them. Carelessness. Lack of relationship maintenance. Recklessness? This is more accountability jornalling on my part today. It has been a roller coaster of emotions for me these past few days. Im leaning towards drastically shortening the runway on a divorce liftoff. First step of course is talk to the lawyers. Any advice there is appreciated. I have a date in mind that Im going to work towards. Onwards we go. Commenting on Parallels and Affirmation here 1. Relationships die when people do not work on it - If I am doing all the work and not getting anyone crossing the bridge - Why is this ALL MY burden. 2. Relationships die when there's NO COMPROMISES, other than Paying bills I am amazed when someone needs me - that and doing the dishes. 3. Financially - working hard, making money - ETC did not lead to a better relationship - so what 6 yrs ago - I dropped my Sat Job and said fuck it. I am tighter than ever but making it. EMOTIONAL DISCONNECTEDNESS, I am East-Indian Origin where there are well defined roles etc - BUT FUCK IT we're in US, my families are not just POST INDIAN - these women have US raised, culturally acclimated no restraints on life - SO once again - That's a 2 way street, where there's only SO MUCH one partner can do. I hope things work out for all of us - but here's a GPS of marriage, to find out where you are. Sorry I just do not have much steam these days - Where the F is Andie gone - anyone know - give me a holler. LINK The Four Horsemen
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 22, 2018 11:26:46 GMT -5
Not much to say in terms of adventures this weekend. I guess Im writing as more of a check in.
This weekend was fun. It was a family weekend of visiting theme parks and full on fun.
In the background there is a lot of relationship processing going on. Its wearisome as Im also trying to be present for my family at the same time. I get physical symptons associated with anxiety and nausea, queasy stomach. That notwithstanding, I feel like Im making progress of some kind on my own. Ive done a lot of journalling and its helping sort and organize all my thoughts. At times, Im desperate to have relationship conversations with W. But Im holding out for the right time and context. Im not getting the vibes that the timing is yet ripe. My concern is that not catching the right moment is counter productive. Im also aware that the right moment may not come. That would surely be a telling sign. Maybe this is a wrong approach. I value hearing from this group on that regard.
Emotions have been swinging wildly. For a few days there, I was ready to pull the plug almost right away with a potential move out in January 2019. I looked into living arrangements making initial inquiries. Over the next few weeks, I am going to continue to research living arrangements as I also reach out to lawyers. At this point I feel like things could go either way. Like walking a tight rope.
A bit of NSFW here, so skip down to the bottom paragraph if you are easily triggered or otherwise not interested. For the first time in weeks there has been some invasion of private space involving touching. The last time this happened a few weeks back, she randomly rubbed my dick a few times over my pants as I squeezed by her through by through a doorway and I responded with some reference to wanting a blowjob. The touching involved some non deliberate like elbows pressed into breast without her flinching while in close proximity, the other was my hand in her chest area which was deliberate but the context was clothing and neckline. Then this morning, I unconsciosuly squeezed her upper thigh when she was laying down in her pyjamas. She asked if I would massage her thigh, as she sighed, she told me to do it softly. To this I let my hand move towards her crotch and rubbed there deliberately but softly a few times and said "like this". To which she didnt pull my hand away or shift positions but replied something along the lines of not to be so daring. I kept massaging her thigh for another minute or so. Im not sure why I touched her like that. Im guessing out of instinct more than anything. Its a strange thing I feel at the moment. I very much want to fuck my wife. I remain infatuated with her. But Im not the least bit interested in initiating or care if she initiates or not. This is a new feeling for me.
Anyhow. Thats all for the moment. I'll end this entry with my daily affirmation.
"I need to keep moving forward to show the world the best me even when situations or persons seem to want to bring out the worst. Im playing the long game."
Onwards.
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Post by javba on Oct 22, 2018 12:28:14 GMT -5
Not much to say in terms of adventures this weekend. I guess Im writing as more of a check in. This weekend was fun. It was a family weekend of visiting theme parks and full on fun. In the background there is a lot of relationship processing going on. Its wearisome as Im also trying to be present for my family at the same time. I get physical symptons associated with anxiety and nausea, queasy stomach. That notwithstanding, I feel like Im making progress of some kind on my own. Ive done a lot of journalling and its helping sort and organize all my thoughts. At times, Im desperate to have relationship conversations with W. But Im holding out for the right time and context. Im not getting the vibes that the timing is yet ripe. My concern is that not catching the right moment is counter productive. Im also aware that the right moment may not come. That would surely be a telling sign. Maybe this is a wrong approach. I value hearing from this group on that regard. Emotions have been swinging wildly. For a few days there, I was ready to pull the plug almost right away with a potential move out in January 2019. I looked into living arrangements making initial inquiries. Over the next few weeks, I am going to continue to research living arrangements as I also reach out to lawyers. At this point I feel like things could go either way. Like walking a tight rope. A bit of NSFW here, so skip down to the bottom paragraph if you are easily triggered or otherwise not interested. For the first time in weeks there has been some invasion of private space involving touching. The last time this happened a few weeks back, she randomly rubbed my dick a few times over my pants as I squeezed by her through by through a doorway and I responded with some reference to wanting a blowjob. The touching involved some non deliberate like elbows pressed into breast without her flinching while in close proximity, the other was my hand in her chest area which was deliberate but the context was clothing and neckline. Then this morning, I unconsciosuly squeezed her upper thigh when she was laying down in her pyjamas. She asked if I would massage her thigh, as she sighed, she told me to do it softly. To this I let my hand move towards her crotch and rubbed there deliberately but softly a few times and said "like this". To which she didnt pull my hand away or shift positions but replied something along the lines of not to be so daring. I kept massaging her thigh for another minute or so. Im not sure why I touched her like that. Im guessing out of instinct more than anything. Its a strange thing I feel at the moment. I very much want to fuck my wife. I remain infatuated with her. But Im not the least bit interested in initiating or care if she initiates or not. This is a new feeling for me. Anyhow. Thats all for the moment. I'll end this entry with my daily affirmation. "I need to keep moving forward to show the world the best me even when situations or persons seem to want to bring out the worst. Im playing the long game." Onwards. Daddeeo, just few thoughts to share of-course none of them binding or some possibility not applicable. Until I broke I was going by the "first do no harm" Mantra, these are people we've loved and stood by for the test of time, Then of course, as good stewards of relationships - I would not look up directions to a town I was not going to visit. i.e. proceed as if I was interested in a sexual encounter. OF-COURSE I AM though with my wife - the reason is not that I am not interested, the reason is it feels abusive upon the refuser for me to seek my pleasure which will be delivered at her displeasure. Over the course of my SLM, It was MY LIBIDO that kept this going. Even though cognitively I KNEW I did not want to go there - so once every other month of so while i'd be sleeping or drowsy she'd light the match i.e. touch me and I'd explode into an encounter where her reciprocity could be used in a video on "how to escape a bear attack by playing dead". Now I am just not there perhaps the sexual drive tad lower than before and asks for participation on part of the partner. Final Thoughts - DO no harm. For me there is no pleasure in hurting the mother of my kids, who's helped me raise them 18 years and counting. OTOH, How much more of this life sentence I can continue to suffer?
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 23, 2018 21:36:08 GMT -5
javba. Sorry to hear about your travails. And especially sorry to hear that we are in a similar situation. Feel free to PM me when you need to vent
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 25, 2018 4:45:24 GMT -5
javba - there is an Esther Perel podcast - Where Should We Begin which features an American couple of Indian descent who met on Shaadi and their sex problems - a lot of it was culturally rooted and she had some very good advice for the wife (refuser). I have no idea if it would be helpful in your situation - probably not - given that the wife in this situation was wanting to make some changes. But I'm sure you would find it resonant.
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Post by javba on Oct 25, 2018 5:49:59 GMT -5
javba - there is an Esther Perel podcast - Where Should We Begin which features an American couple of Indian descent who met on Shaadi and their sex problems - a lot of it was culturally rooted and she had some very good advice for the wife (refuser). I have no idea if it would be helpful in your situation - probably not - given that the wife in this situation was wanting to make some changes. But I'm sure you would find it resonant. Thanks will take a listen.
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