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Post by ggold on Jul 11, 2017 18:31:20 GMT -5
We have now gone through three divorce mediation sessions and are now reviewing our finances. We are still living together under tense, though not unbearable, conditions. The problem is that we still do not communicate in between sessions. We should be discussing how to reduce our debt, budgets, costs of living apart. Do we do this? NO! I'll bring up something to him and he gives me short answers. As it has been throughout our marriage, we have such a lack of communication when it comes to discussing important issues such as finances.
So, while we are slowly making some steps I still feel stuck! I feel as if this is going to linger on and on and on. Part of me wants this over with quickly, but another part of me doesn't want to rush it. I will still be working part time when school starts in Sept. We have to get some financial shit in order. The kids don't know yet because we don't have anything concrete set and the mediator advised us to wait to tell them.
Perhaps I need to set a deadline? Make a plan with what I would like to accomplish by a certain month? Tie him to a chair and force him to at least be in my presence when I talk with him without him being able to escape? Zap him with a taser if he doesn't respond? ugh!!
It's all so hard. :-(
G
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 11, 2017 18:43:39 GMT -5
Ugh...It is not easy. I guess I was lucky in that my ex and I each completed our financial statements on our own. In one of the mediation sessions we talked about dividing up everything else, how to go about him buying me out of the house, putting our cars in our own names and not jointly held, stuff like that, and we did the work we could do ourselves by ourselves. Perhaps a deadline of the next mediation session would help get things moving/closer to completion, or set up a schedule with the mediator, so you are all on the same page of when things need to be completed. After the emotional stress, dealing with the finances was the worst part of the whole divorce.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 11, 2017 18:49:18 GMT -5
I'm sorry this is tough on you.
Refusers are avoidant.
A timetable discussion in the next mediation is a good idea.
Hugs honey
Xoxo
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2017 19:14:28 GMT -5
In dealing with the various components of a dysfunctional marriage, timelines/deadlines are imperative.
Partially, this is to keep your spouse accountable, but MAINLY to keep ONESELF accountable.
If you are in your 3rd mediation and do not by now have a solid agreement, then one of you is going to have to forcibly take the wheel and drive the thing to conclusion.
*You* appear to have been elected to take that role Sister @ggold .
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Post by ggold on Jul 11, 2017 20:16:55 GMT -5
In dealing with the various components of a dysfunctional marriage, timelines/deadlines are imperative. Partially, this is to keep your spouse accountable, but MAINLY to keep ONESELF accountable. If you are in your 3rd mediation and do not by now have a solid agreement, then one of you is going to have to forcibly take the wheel and drive the thing to conclusion. *You* appear to have been elected to take that role Sister @ggold . Sigh. Yes baza. You are right. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 11, 2017 20:19:13 GMT -5
Ugh...It is not easy. I guess I was lucky in that my ex and I each completed our financial statements on our own. In one of the mediation sessions we talked about dividing up everything else, how to go about him buying me out of the house, putting our cars in our own names and not jointly held, stuff like that, and we did the work we could do ourselves by ourselves. Perhaps a deadline of the next mediation session would help get things moving/closer to completion, or set up a schedule with the mediator, so you are all on the same page of when things need to be completed. After the emotional stress, dealing with the finances was the worst part of the whole divorce. This is so difficult. I think fear is getting in my way. He has handled all of the finances for 23 years. I feel so financially incompetent. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 11, 2017 20:20:10 GMT -5
I'm sorry this is tough on you. Refusers are avoidant. A timetable discussion in the next mediation is a good idea. Hugs honey Xoxo I agree. We definitely need a timeline. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 11, 2017 20:24:17 GMT -5
Ugh...It is not easy. I guess I was lucky in that my ex and I each completed our financial statements on our own. In one of the mediation sessions we talked about dividing up everything else, how to go about him buying me out of the house, putting our cars in our own names and not jointly held, stuff like that, and we did the work we could do ourselves by ourselves. Perhaps a deadline of the next mediation session would help get things moving/closer to completion, or set up a schedule with the mediator, so you are all on the same page of when things need to be completed. After the emotional stress, dealing with the finances was the worst part of the whole divorce. This is so difficult. I think fear is getting in my way. He has handled all of the finances for 23 years. I feel so financially incompetent. He handled ours for 16 years. I wasn't totally in the dark, we did discuss financial stuff, but he did pretty much all of them. I now do all my own finances; it was a bit of a learning curve, I admit. I caught on pretty quickly and it is easy now after being out a while. You are stronger than you think, and you can handle this!  |
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2017 20:25:41 GMT -5
There's a good lesson for all in this Sister ggold It is imperative in a relationship (be it made in heaven - or - an ILIASM deal) that you know the state of *your* finances, the state of your spouses finances, and the state of the joint finances. For anyone here, if you do NOT know these things, then it is incumbent on you to find out, as a matter of some urgency. And, if your spouse shows any reticence at all to divulge the information, then the warning sirens ought be ringing loudly in your ears. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 11, 2017 20:42:29 GMT -5
There's a good lesson for all in this Sister ggold It is imperative in a relationship (be it made in heaven - or - an ILIASM deal) that you know the state of *your* finances, the state of your spouses finances, and the state of the joint finances. For anyone here, if you do NOT know these things, then it is incumbent on you to find out, as a matter of some urgency. And, if your spouse shows any reticence at all to divulge the information, then the warning sirens ought be ringing loudly in your ears. I feel like such an idiot. How did I let this go? Why didn't I get involved? I would ask him to sit down with me and create a budget. I asked him to create a spreadsheet so I would have knowledge of the finances. When he didn't do these things, I just let it go!! How stupid!! Ugh. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 11, 2017 20:49:34 GMT -5
not stuck G just taking things slow... maybe a little too slow and the procrastination might be fear of the unknown. a timetable to move things along sounds like the right idea. glad to hear you're making progress though!
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2017 2:17:57 GMT -5
For the purpose of this post, I am your husband Sister ggold . My missus is trying to divorce me.
I am very resistant to this idea, and do not support it in any way.
I have an inkling that she might be banging some other bloke, but whilst not thrilled about that, I can live with it.
I have my reasons for not wanting to end the marriage, but as ever, I will keep those reasons to myself.
Every so often, my missus gets a rush of blood and brings the subject up again, and I have to deploy my avoidant skills and wait for things to calm down, which they always do.
I agreed to a mediation back in about February, but when the issue of finances came up, I quickly baled on that process.
You see, that's the best card I've got.
I've been looking after all the finances for years and I know exactly where every $ is.
My missus knows practically nothing.
So, here's my plan....
Obviously I will be doing NOTHING to advance the end of the marriage - although it may be useful to pretend that I am being co-operative at times.
I will NOT be divulging the full financial picture to her willingly.
The only way that information will see the light of day is under subpoena, which would, by necessity, mean an adversarial situation, and I truly believe at this stage that my missus will not go there.
So I am not real worried at this point.
It seems likely that this can spin on for quite a while yet. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2017 21:02:29 GMT -5
Your meditations sure seem to be taking a different route than mine did. How can you not be mediating over finances already?
I would be highly skeptical about the lack of advice from your attorney.
Will a deposition be next? It seems like it would be highly in your favor to start going on line, and to the bank and digging up all your past bank statements, and taxes.
There is some positive to meditations where no compromising happens, due to one of the spouses. It's all evidence for your attorney and a judge. Good evidence for you, not so good for your spouse, hopefully!
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Post by ggold on Jul 14, 2017 21:45:53 GMT -5
For the purpose of this post, I am your husband Sister ggold . My missus is trying to divorce me.
I am very resistant to this idea, and do not support it in any way.
I have an inkling that she might be banging some other bloke, but whilst not thrilled about that, I can live with it.
I have my reasons for not wanting to end the marriage, but as ever, I will keep those reasons to myself.
Every so often, my missus gets a rush of blood and brings the subject up again, and I have to deploy my avoidant skills and wait for things to calm down, which they always do.
I agreed to a mediation back in about February, but when the issue of finances came up, I quickly baled on that process.
You see, that's the best card I've got.
I've been looking after all the finances for years and I know exactly where every $ is.
My missus knows practically nothing.
So, here's my plan....
Obviously I will be doing NOTHING to advance the end of the marriage - although it may be useful to pretend that I am being co-operative at times.
I will NOT be divulging the full financial picture to her willingly.
The only way that information will see the light of day is under subpoena, which would, by necessity, mean an adversarial situation, and I truly believe at this stage that my missus will not go there.
So I am not real worried at this point.
It seems likely that this can spin on for quite a while yet.Fuck. :-( |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2017 23:47:11 GMT -5
For the purpose of this post, I am your husband Sister ggold . My missus is trying to divorce me.
I am very resistant to this idea, and do not support it in any way.
I have an inkling that she might be banging some other bloke, but whilst not thrilled about that, I can live with it.
I have my reasons for not wanting to end the marriage, but as ever, I will keep those reasons to myself.
Every so often, my missus gets a rush of blood and brings the subject up again, and I have to deploy my avoidant skills and wait for things to calm down, which they always do.
I agreed to a mediation back in about February, but when the issue of finances came up, I quickly baled on that process.
You see, that's the best card I've got.
I've been looking after all the finances for years and I know exactly where every $ is.
My missus knows practically nothing.
So, here's my plan....
Obviously I will be doing NOTHING to advance the end of the marriage - although it may be useful to pretend that I am being co-operative at times.
I will NOT be divulging the full financial picture to her willingly.
The only way that information will see the light of day is under subpoena, which would, by necessity, mean an adversarial situation, and I truly believe at this stage that my missus will not go there.
So I am not real worried at this point.
It seems likely that this can spin on for quite a while yet.Thanks for the heads up Baza, I'm pretty sure you're my husband here too. In about a year's time. Yuck. GGold, you can do this! Do NOT let fear drive the bus and never lose hope. Just never! |
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