Post by goyaman on Jul 10, 2017 0:54:34 GMT -5
I found a counseling service ran by an American that more-or-less specializes in Western-to-Japanese relationships. I've seen a couple of counselor to talk about my SM issues, but I always felt they lacked the cultural awareness that I believe is at the heart of so many of my issues.
During the session, I laid out my marriage as best I could in such a short period of time. The lack of sex/intimacy, the need to control, the difficulty in negotiating points of contention, the seeming obsession with the children's academics...He then asked me if if she was a messy person. I said, yes she is. Housework and cooking are really not a priority of hers, and the house is a wreck most of the time. I told him that has never been a point of contention between us.
He told me it's possible she has adult ADHD, and that might explain her lack of interest in me (sexual or otherwise), her OCD-like interest in the kids' academics, the disregard for the cleanliness of the house, and her temper when we try to discuss contentious topics.
I was kind of relieved that this thing might have a name, if nothing else if can give me a point of reference for helping her make her life better. But the advice he gave me to deal with the situation really threw me for a loop. When I brought up the sexlessness/lack of intimacy being an issue, he almost laughed. He told me I should have came and talked to him 16 years ago. I guess he would have revealed the 'open-secret' that men married to Japanese women will invariably end up in a SM.
I raised the topic of what I feel is emotional abuse that my kids are suffering through. The hours after hours of homework and practice that are often punctuated with yelling and crying, and occasionally with face slaps and pushing. He called this a "self-limiting" problem. At some point the kids will get old enough to rebel and push back against their mother...I shouldn't step in unless I fear the situation is dangerous.
I then asked "How do I help her?". His response: "Oh, there's no helping her."
He then told me to absolutely, under no circumstances should I get divorced. He told me she'd take away the children and I would never get access to them. I was then advised to get a small apartment somewhere, keeping it a secret from my wife. Tell her I have work commitments and keep away as much as possible. I shouldn't confront her with anything, and when she has a tantrum, just let her go unless I feel physical abuse might occur.
For my sexual/intimacy needs, just keep going with the outsourcing. I was even given tips on how to cover my tracks!
Not exactly what I wanted to hear; that I should wait 10 years till the kids are basically raising themselves before I consider divorce (all while keeping away as much as possible to conserve my sanity)
Does this sound like sound advice to anybody?
During the session, I laid out my marriage as best I could in such a short period of time. The lack of sex/intimacy, the need to control, the difficulty in negotiating points of contention, the seeming obsession with the children's academics...He then asked me if if she was a messy person. I said, yes she is. Housework and cooking are really not a priority of hers, and the house is a wreck most of the time. I told him that has never been a point of contention between us.
He told me it's possible she has adult ADHD, and that might explain her lack of interest in me (sexual or otherwise), her OCD-like interest in the kids' academics, the disregard for the cleanliness of the house, and her temper when we try to discuss contentious topics.
I was kind of relieved that this thing might have a name, if nothing else if can give me a point of reference for helping her make her life better. But the advice he gave me to deal with the situation really threw me for a loop. When I brought up the sexlessness/lack of intimacy being an issue, he almost laughed. He told me I should have came and talked to him 16 years ago. I guess he would have revealed the 'open-secret' that men married to Japanese women will invariably end up in a SM.
I raised the topic of what I feel is emotional abuse that my kids are suffering through. The hours after hours of homework and practice that are often punctuated with yelling and crying, and occasionally with face slaps and pushing. He called this a "self-limiting" problem. At some point the kids will get old enough to rebel and push back against their mother...I shouldn't step in unless I fear the situation is dangerous.
I then asked "How do I help her?". His response: "Oh, there's no helping her."
He then told me to absolutely, under no circumstances should I get divorced. He told me she'd take away the children and I would never get access to them. I was then advised to get a small apartment somewhere, keeping it a secret from my wife. Tell her I have work commitments and keep away as much as possible. I shouldn't confront her with anything, and when she has a tantrum, just let her go unless I feel physical abuse might occur.
For my sexual/intimacy needs, just keep going with the outsourcing. I was even given tips on how to cover my tracks!
Not exactly what I wanted to hear; that I should wait 10 years till the kids are basically raising themselves before I consider divorce (all while keeping away as much as possible to conserve my sanity)
Does this sound like sound advice to anybody?
