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Post by WindSister on Jul 10, 2017 13:33:30 GMT -5
I have to say that I would never had left if my refuser had been willing to have any sex, even bad sex, once or twice a month. Over the 28 years we lived together, there must have been some good sex, however I don't remember any good sex at all. But now, since I am in a relationship with a woman who loves me, thinks I am wonderful, and offers unlimited, wonderful sex, I would never consider going back to my joke of a marriage ever again. I never understood what it would be like to be with a woman who treats me like a king, and longs for me to touch her and make love to her. I feel like the most fortunate man in the world. Happy for you!!!  And to the OP --> How can it be good at this point? I mean, not without a ton of practice, a ton of trust built back up, etc. And is there hope for that? Because it seems he is stringing you along... the bad make out session is making him think he maybe will want sex soon in the future? Ugh. Hard to be attracted to him at that point, isn't it? Making out with someone you are NOT attracted to must feel a bit horrible, like making out with a relative or something (gross). As far as it being worth it? Only you can answer that, right? For me, nope -- not worth it in the least. |
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laura
Junior Member
Posts: 72 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by laura on Jul 10, 2017 15:14:56 GMT -5
I think no sex at least lets you detach from the relationship and after awhile it is what you expect anyway. Bad sex can open old wounds and insecurities and leave you crying in the bathroom. I too find that a few drinks can make me forget, and want to give it another try though.
Do you feel like this episode of finally making out and not being turned on at all by your H changed your view of the situation/relationship?
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Post by beachguy on Jul 10, 2017 15:30:12 GMT -5
Carol , in my own deal there was an evolution. At some point, bad sex was better than none. I guess. But at a certain point it became simply no longer doable. Even after I came I was so full of resentment it was no fun at all. By that point we were down to once a year. So it took a long time to play out a brief instant in our sexual evolution. Your post reminded me of something that happened during my last one or two annual fucks. I became distinctly aware that my attempts to get her fired up were increasingly mechanical. There was no love in it at all. From or to either of us. Maybe not unlike the way your H mechanically pawed at you. We started over 10 years of absolute celibacy (including no touching or any other physical intimacy) when I simply stopped initiating once a year. I guess what you should do depends on where you are on that evolution into counter-refusal. ETA: I think laura gave you some good input.
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Post by orangepeel on Jul 10, 2017 17:07:56 GMT -5
I absolutely refuse to have bad sex. Unfortunately, this means that I absolutely refuse to have sex at all. I made the conscious decision in 2012 never to initiate shit and grudging reset sex again. So I've never had sex again.
It's like Theresa May says of Brexit: no deal's better than a bad deal.
I've essentially turned myself into a neuter, but I've got my pride.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 17:27:46 GMT -5
And I'd say the only thing worse than starfish sex is woman on top starfish sex... You've had a woman actually take the effort to go on top of you for starfish sex, shamwow? Damn, you're lucky! (Just a reminder that as bad as things are, they can always get worse) |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 17:34:00 GMT -5
And I'd say the only thing worse than starfish sex is woman on top starfish sex... You've had a woman actually take the effort to go on top of you for starfish sex, shamwow? Damn, you're lucky! (Just a reminder that as bad as things are, they can always get worse) It's a special request. I still do all the work. Well at least that's how it worked a few years ago the last time I had sex. Actually I'm assuming I got the on top treatment. Not sure... |
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Post by Carol on Jul 10, 2017 21:32:43 GMT -5
Was alcohol a factor?? Oh, hell yes! Do we drink a lot, no, just socially. I'm at the point now that I am so sex starved and the man I want to be with is married so I don't have a lot of options (I don't think I could outsource, well maybe with my crush, but otherwise the guilt would kill me) so it's got to be with him. Desperate times call for desperate measures . It sucks this is the only way I can have sex. I know I have the option to leave and that is still on the table. It wouldn't be for awhile. I just (finally!) started a new and decent paying jobs so at least I may have the means to support myself. I guess I'll have to see how this ends up. Unfortunately, I'm a very impatient person so it's killing me to wait.
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Post by baza on Jul 10, 2017 22:14:31 GMT -5
Sounds like your financial affairs are starting to take shape Sister Carol . Do you know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction ? That potentially might give your financial position a further kick along, so that would be good information to have. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 0:05:49 GMT -5
I'm voting no sex. The last time I was reset it was bad. And I cried. I'm not up for that again.
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Post by merrygoround on Jul 11, 2017 0:11:01 GMT -5
Absolutely no sex over bad sex - although bad sex was perfectly fine for him. That's me going forward one day I hope with a new partner, not being crushed for daring to mention my sexual needs and desires.
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2017 3:45:48 GMT -5
Let me make it clear that I abhor violence, particularly domestic violence.
That said, I remember a Benny Hill skit from years ago.
2 blokes talking -
Bloke #1 - "I slapped my missus twice last night"
Bloke #2 - "Why on earth did you do that ?"
Bloke #1 - "Because she told me I was a lousy lover"
Bloke #2 - "Why did you hit her a second time ?"
Bloke #1 - "For knowing the difference"
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 11, 2017 11:54:25 GMT -5
Having sex with someone you don't like or want is terrible.
Having sex with someone who clearly doesn't want to have sex with you but is doing so anyway, is terrible. It also writes its own narrative in the mind of the person agreeing to tolerate sex with you - posing you as a monster and that person as a sexual martyr. I'm pretty sure at the beginning, it's easy to project one's own desire onto the other partner, trying really hard to offer the best sex possible in an effort to "remind them" of how good sex can be. They know.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2017 15:21:19 GMT -5
I think no sex at least lets you detach from the relationship and after awhile it is what you expect anyway. Bad sex can open old wounds and insecurities and leave you crying in the bathroom. I too find that a few drinks can make me forget, and want to give it another try though. Do you feel like this episode of finally making out and not being turned on at all by your H changed your view of the situation/relationship? I'm with ya on this one. The last time my wife and I had sex, it was after we had our final "we need to work on this relationship" talk and no fewer than 6 attempts. On try number 7, she let out an audible sigh.....and let me crawl on top of her. It was horrible. No sex would have been better, which may have been the point she was attempting to condition me to. However, a funny thing happened along the way to the monastery. I told myself that was the last time I would ever beg for sex from her (or anyone else for that matter) again. And guess what? It was. She attained her desired level of physical intimacy with me, and in time, it turned out to match my desired level of physical intimacy with her. I guess she didn't realize it was a deal breaker. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 15:31:13 GMT -5
I guess she didn't realize it was a deal breaker. They never do. Unfortunately, when the refused spouse stops making advances, things have gotten really bad. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2017 15:36:42 GMT -5
I guess she didn't realize it was a deal breaker. They never do. Unfortunately, when the refused spouse stops making advances, things have gotten really bad. It's a little bit like when you're lost in the desert and stop sweating...that's the time to really worry because heat stroke is imminent. |
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