|
|
Post by Carol on Jul 9, 2017 14:36:21 GMT -5
The H and I had a talk last night, We were at a bar having a couple of drinks and I started to get the frisky feeling. I said something about fooling around when we got home. All he said was "Boy I'm so tried". I spent the ride home pissed off. When we got home I told him (once again) that if things didn't change, I was out of the marriage. We talked and ended up in the bedroom making out. There was no PIV sex but a lot of touching. The problem was it was awful. I was not turned on at all. It was like some teenage boy poking at a girl for the first time. He was turned on and wants to do more in the future. I want to have sex but I want it to feel good too. Has anyone had good "reset" sex? . Is it worth it to have bad sex or no sex at all?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2017 14:54:43 GMT -5
It annoys me that on the yearly occasion he initiates sex, I allow it to happen and I come across grateful. It is never the best sex, over quite quick and I never orgasm as it takes me a while to warm up and not be stiff as a board,( it takes me a while to be comfy getting my bits out etc after a year or more), and just as I relax, he finishes leaving me feeling deflated,yet aroused, and thinking there is hope it might be the end of the dry spell. But it soon goes back to the same routine of rejection etc, he probably doesn't want to do it again as I was so stiff! So I think bad sex is worse than no sex on the whole. Especially if it is after a talk or me sulking etc
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2017 15:39:47 GMT -5
Bad sex is worse. At the end of my marriage before I outsourced I became a counter refuser. The last time H and I had sex was 2014 and we divorced in 2016. I won't have bad sex with any man more than once. Outsourcing was the best thing I did for myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 9, 2017 16:05:15 GMT -5
This has been so on my mind lately. I've moved into another bedroom, Im detaching emotionally. But I wonder what will happen if she initiates? Do I become the counter refuser? Do I let it happen even if Im not feeling it?
The prevailing wisdom is that reset sex is not worth it. Leaves you feeling worse for the wear. I would tend to agree.
Ive had the reset sex before and the starfish position is terrible. Might as well be fucking a blowup doll. I wish I had better advice to offer. Ive been advised to take the sex if its offered. But what if one is just not in the mood?
The last time for us was about 2 months ago, but maybe 5-6x this year total. Of those times, she was probably into it once or twice at the most.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 9, 2017 16:37:47 GMT -5
Not to sound sarcastic , but I don't believe there is any "good re-set sex". That's like asking, "has anyone had a good suicide lately?"
The quality, was a short PIV, and then a forced hand job. You get the "I don't want to be here" vibe.
Call me simple minded, or far to easy, or a pushover, but...the few times it happened I was fooled into false hope. The ol' "why can't we do this more often?" would be in my mind for days.
In hind sight you are better off with no sex.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 9, 2017 18:18:41 GMT -5
By definition Sister Carol , you got "re-set foreplay" and a rather shithouse example of it at that. In your Jan 18 post, you said in part - "I'm so resentful of him and now I find myself completely unattracted to him. I wouldn't even have sex with him at this point". And in this story today - "We were at a bar having a couple of drinks and I started to get the frisky feeling". There seem to be two contra-indicated things going on here. #1 - that you know what he's like as a lover / husband. #2 - you felt the need to revisit #1 Was the alcohol level a significant factor in the run of events last night ? |
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jul 9, 2017 18:53:00 GMT -5
By definition Sister Carol , you got "re-set foreplay" and a rather shithouse example of it at that. In your Jan 18 post, you said in part - "I'm so resentful of him and now I find myself completely unattracted to him. I wouldn't even have sex with him at this point". And in this story today - "We were at a bar having a couple of drinks and I started to get the frisky feeling". There seem to be two contra-indicated things going on here. #1 - that you know what he's like as a lover / husband. #2 - you felt the need to revisit #1 Was the alcohol level a significant factor in the run of events last night ? I would bet on the alcohol. "In Vino Veritas" (in wine there is truth) but also the first thing to go is judgment. Alcohol in my experience is a highly effective tool at reinforcing all the lies I kept telling myself and killing the pain from the things I needed to lie to myself about. Like a vicious cycle - Painful truth, drink, it goes away, get too drunk I confront it in a drunken philosophy session, drink more kill the additional pain. Wake up repeat. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 9, 2017 19:06:39 GMT -5
By definition Sister Carol , you got "re-set foreplay" and a rather shithouse example of it at that. In your Jan 18 post, you said in part - "I'm so resentful of him and now I find myself completely unattracted to him. I wouldn't even have sex with him at this point". And in this story today - "We were at a bar having a couple of drinks and I started to get the frisky feeling". There seem to be two contra-indicated things going on here. #1 - that you know what he's like as a lover / husband. #2 - you felt the need to revisit #1 Was the alcohol level a significant factor in the run of events last night ? I would bet on the alcohol. "In Vino Veritas" (in wine there is truth) but also the first thing to go is judgment. Alcohol in my experience is a highly effective tool at reinforcing all the lies I kept telling myself and killing the pain from the things I needed to lie to myself about. Like a vicious cycle - Painful truth, drink, it goes away, get too drunk I confront it in a drunken philosophy session, drink more kill the additional pain. Wake up repeat. FWIW, I like a drink. In fact on occassions, I like lots of drinks. I'm certainly not against alcohol. But, if I am dealing with some stressful event, I find it quite unhelpful, so under such circumstances I don't drink at all. For example, the last 3 years of my ILIASM deal, I did not touch any alcohol at all. (apart from a blow out now and again on a golfing weekend with my mates or similar) |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jul 9, 2017 19:37:33 GMT -5
Is it worth it to have bad sex or no sex at all? *If* you're both consciously working a "fake it 'till you make it" strategy of getting the fire re-lit, then I can see the merits of not giving up after bad sex. But if bad sex is all you get, and there are no efforts to improve... man, that's an emotional train wreck. So many hopes dashed. It can be less painful to avoid. Thus is born "counter-refusing", that twisted place where you refuse what you want so badly because what you're being offered is so bad. |
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jul 10, 2017 3:39:29 GMT -5
I'm torn on this one, because I've had different kinds of bad sex.
One type of bad sex is over with quickly.
Another type is where the spouse puts no effort in.
Another type of sex is where the spouse is active but not into it, like it is just for show, feels mechanical, and creates no connection.
Out of all these options of no sex or the three types of bad sex, I'll take any bad sex over no sex, but my favorite type of bad sex is when it progresses to the mechanical soulless sex, because that allows me to give up hope that things will ever get better.
|
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jul 10, 2017 3:53:52 GMT -5
It annoys me that on the yearly occasion he initiates sex, I allow it to happen and I come across grateful. It is never the best sex, over quite quick and I never orgasm as it takes me a while to warm up and not be stiff as a board,( it takes me a while to be comfy getting my bits out etc after a year or more), and just as I relax, he finishes leaving me feeling deflated,yet aroused, and thinking there is hope it might be the end of the dry spell. But it soon goes back to the same routine of rejection etc, he probably doesn't want to do it again as I was so stiff! So I think bad sex is worse than no sex on the whole. Especially if it is after a talk or me sulking etc Diane, I don't know of anything that will increase the frequency, but, I do know some tricks that will increase his stamina. When I was young and single and active, I could keep my best game going with as little as one active evening every couple of weeks. After a year long dry spell, I was back to minute man status. Yes. I said, "back to minute man status." What took me from minute man to rock star, in one evening, was a woman that knew the art of "edging". |
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jul 10, 2017 4:01:46 GMT -5
Wait. I do know one thing that will increase frequency. This is pretty frank and kinky sexual talk. I'm going to provide a link to a sex journal of a woman who prevents her husband from reaching climax. Because he does not get there, he's always ready for more. plainschastity.livejournal.com/58592.html |
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jul 10, 2017 6:32:59 GMT -5
I would bet on the alcohol. "In Vino Veritas" (in wine there is truth) but also the first thing to go is judgment. Alcohol in my experience is a highly effective tool at reinforcing all the lies I kept telling myself and killing the pain from the things I needed to lie to myself about. Like a vicious cycle - Painful truth, drink, it goes away, get too drunk I confront it in a drunken philosophy session, drink more kill the additional pain. Wake up repeat. FWIW, I like a drink. In fact on occassions, I like lots of drinks. I'm certainly not against alcohol. But, if I am dealing with some stressful event, I find it quite unhelpful, so under such circumstances I don't drink at all. For example, the last 3 years of my ILIASM deal, I did not touch any alcohol at all. (apart from a blow out now and again on a golfing weekend with my mates or similar) Well said - some people (maybe me at one point or other) will use the alcohol to keep the self-delusion going. Wine, Spirits, Beer . . . free for all. Little Joke: Why did God invent Whiskey? Answer: To keep the Irish from ruling the world. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2017 11:54:10 GMT -5
I have to say that I would never had left if my refuser had been willing to have any sex, even bad sex, once or twice a month. Over the 28 years we lived together, there must have been some good sex, however I don't remember any good sex at all.
But now, since I am in a relationship with a woman who loves me, thinks I am wonderful, and offers unlimited, wonderful sex, I would never consider going back to my joke of a marriage ever again. I never understood what it would be like to be with a woman who treats me like a king, and longs for me to touch her and make love to her. I feel like the most fortunate man in the world.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2017 13:21:06 GMT -5
This has been so on my mind lately. I've moved into another bedroom, Im detaching emotionally. But I wonder what will happen if she initiates? Do I become the counter refuser? Do I let it happen even if Im not feeling it? The prevailing wisdom is that reset sex is not worth it. Leaves you feeling worse for the wear. I would tend to agree. Ive had the reset sex before and the starfish position is terrible. Might as well be fucking a blowup doll. I wish I had better advice to offer. Ive been advised to take the sex if its offered. But what if one is just not in the mood? The last time for us was about 2 months ago, but maybe 5-6x this year total. Of those times, she was probably into it once or twice at the most. I worried about that. Our 19th wedding anniversary left me a wreck wondering if she would initiate for our anniversary. It had been 2 years since we'd had sex at that point and almost a year since I explained to her that "roommates" isn't what I signed up for...LOL...She hadn't initiated in over a decade. No need to be worried in retrospect. And I'd say the only thing worse than starfish sex is woman on top starfish sex... |
|
