The upside of counting roots

It really depends on what you want to do. It sounds like that you can stay in your SM but giving up on the land and horse or give it up altogether. Can't have cake and eat it too I guess. And it sounds like by you going to a lawyer, you want to get out.

Yep, I'm in the club. I have to say though, I don't see much of a divide between the experience of older and younger people here except that the older folks have mostly been suffering for longer. Whether you are 30 or 70, you still wonder if someone else will want you, if it is too late, if it is worth splitting assets, what is best for the kids, etc. 

I do think some young folks or those not in SMs, are less surprised about sex dropping off with age. When I finally talked to my counselor about the sexlessness she said, "What did you expect? He's in his 40s, he's slowing down." I've fucked enough 40 somethings to know that's not the trend, but I guess some people think that way.

I'm not with that counsellor anymore.

Slowing down. Oh. My grandfather did not start slowing down until his early eighties. He asked his urologist about his new problem, and the doctor pointed out that as people aged, their refractory times would increase, then asked him when he had first noticed it. My grandfather replied, "about 2:30, this morning."

The big difference between you (34) and me (60)... I know your future (if you don't end your sad excuse of a marriage) but you are too young to grasp it. And this is true of all 30-something's here, it's not directed at you. And I had a very similar wedding experience where it all went to shit the day after the wedding. We have a lot in common, including an intimacy averse and abusive spouse.

The idea that lack of sex is always a symptom really bothers me.  I know it is true in some marriages.  For example, a marriage that had a healthy sex life for years then suddenly dries up.  But that is not your deal (nor was it mine).  To say that it is a symptom suggests there is some other underlying cause.  And since you are the refused, that implies that YOU are the cause of the sexlessness.  Do you agree with that?

But what if he's really just a closeted gay?  Now, is the sexlessness a symptom or a primary problem?  Similarly he could be asexual or otherwise inherently sexually dysfunctional in some other way.  And if that is the case, it is the sexlessness that drives much of the marital dysfunction, especially over the long term (something I, and others here, after 30 years of SM, understand in a way I implied earlier you possibly cannot after only 4 years, because I've lived the long term marital death spiral).  Just to point out that this symptom/cause thing is not nearly as clear cut as often stated.  Because when SM is stated as a symptom it assumes that both partners are fundamentally sexually "normal" and functional.

It is highly unlikely that you did something on your wedding day that made you suddenly un-fuckable.  A lot of us here had wedding day reversals.  That can be the result of many different sexual dysfunctions, where basically in your case he (barely) fucked his way to a ring on his finger, and then left you high and dry.  He probably intended all along to enforce celibacy on you.  After all, he was around 40 when he married you.  He should have had his sexuality figured out by then.  He doesn't get the "young and stupid" pass.

There are obviously other very serious problems in your marriage, particularly the emotional abuse you have suffered.  Leading you to question if you are the bad guy when he goes psycho on you.  But what is really happening there is that he is manipulating and intimidating you into the precise wife he wants.  Including a wife that will never ask for sex, ever again.  And he has succeeded brilliantly.  At your expense.

If he is as abusive as you say, then it is very unlikely you will ever successfully confront your issues.  Just trying to talk to him about sex turns him into a raging psycho.  What do you think will happen when you then try to turn the convo to your intent to divorce him?  Have you thought that part through?  If he is nearly as bad as you say, you may need to follow through via a process server while you are physically safely ensconced somewhere else.  Just food for thought.

Some of your statements suggest that you have not fully wrapped your arms around your abusive situation and all the implications.  You may not be nearly out of that FOG yet.   Both the implications of staying, if that is what you decide, and the implications of trying to leave.  There are some good resources for abused partners on the internet.  It's an easy Google.  If you have not done that yet, it is an important area of research for you.

For many of us, our marriage was a struggle of commitment verses happiness.  Pick one.  And only one. The commitment thing was important to me too when I was your age.  Now I realize that that was foolish.  At least commitment for the sake of commitment in the face of an obviously highly dysfunctional marriage.  And when you are faced with enforced celibacy the day after your wedding, you have a very highly dysfunctional marriage.  I would urge you to think very carefully about the idea of commitment just for the sake of commitment.   You don't have to sacrifice your life to become a bitter, angry, shriveled up old woman that honored her damned commitment.

There are two kinds of people that say that sex is not important in a marriage...

The first are getting laid regularly.  They may not think food is important either because they have a surplus of it in their lives.  They've never known true hunger or true sexual frustration.

The second are shriveled up old ladies (and men) justifying their miserable celibate lives.