bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 7:48:50 GMT -5
Now that I’ve been lurking on the site and reading for a couple of weeks, I’m comfortable enough to share my sob story. I’m sure it won’t differ from many here, thus the reason why I think I’ve found the right support forum for this conundrum.
Been married for 22 years, of which I’d say 95% could be defined as a SM.
I can remember as far back with crystal clarity, around 97 laying in bed frustrated as all hell after being refused for the umpteenth time, blurting out “I feel like a fucking dog begging for a piece”. And unfortunately over the years that hasn’t changed one bit.
To add to the issues, for about 5 years starting in 2004, the wife and I started sleeping in separate rooms because she couldn’t handle “my snoring”. During this time I had LAUP surgery (where they burn the back of your throat/pallet to reduce any loose skin that could be contributing to the snoring. That didn’t work. Then I went to have a sleep study done to see if I had Apnea. Nope, was told by the doctor that unfortunately I’m just a snorer and nothing can be done. I suggested to the Mrs, she go to an ear specialist to get some custom ear-plugs as she couldn’t stand to use simple ones bought from the drug store. No sir. Her fix was to cast me to the basement. So, anytime we did have sex, afterwards, it was a kiss and goodbye as I would begrudgingly head down to the basement to sleep by myself. This went on for 5 years, until we bought a home where there was no basement thus she had no choice but to welcome me back into the matrimonial bed. Think things improved here?? NO!!!!!!!!!!!
I continuously tell her she’s beautiful. I continuously tell her how much I desire her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, tonight….we’ll make love, or tonight………I’ll blow you. So with eager anticipation I look forward to tonight. Well 9.9 times out of 10, tonight doesn’t happen and when it does happen, 9.99 times out of 10, it’s gotta be on a Sunday night. No spontaneity whatsoever.
For many years, it’s always a different excuse. I’m too tired, I’m too stressed, I’m too depressed, you drink too much it goes on and on and on. On this last one, admittedly I was drinking quite a bit for a period of about 3 years due to depression and of course, the state of my marriage. But now that I’ve significantly cut back (and this is on her admission as well, of which she’s so “Proud” of me), the sex life has not gotten better…….if anything, it’s probably gotten worse. I don’t record dates on the calendar, but I think we’ve had sex maybe 3 times so far this year, last time was in early April. I know some are probably thinking, “shit bud, you’ve got it good”. LOL. Unfortunately I don’t think that. So ya, coming up on almost the 3 month mark, and I could bet a million bucks, that the reset sex is just around the corner.
It’s now gotten to the point where yet again (probably for the 1000th time), where I feel like I have a room-mate not a wife. I feel empty when talking to her and am so sick of this merry-go-round.
Having said all this, I often look at the mirror and tell myself to shit or get off the pot. Make a goddamned decision and be done with it. I believe I’m almost there. I’m 51. I’m not dead yet!
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Post by nancyb on Jun 28, 2017 7:54:44 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum bigbossfan or should we call you notdeadyet. Regardless welcome to the ILIASM club. Hope you find some comfort and strength here.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 28, 2017 8:02:07 GMT -5
I'm sorry you have found yourself here but welcome.
That's exactly it - "excuses" and that's not a reason.
Marriage is about compromise.
I'd say lay your cards on the table and tell your wife you are not happily married and that things have to get better with the frequency of sex or you can not guarantee the marriage will continue.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 28, 2017 8:55:38 GMT -5
Welcome to the group. Three years since I last had sex with my wife and three years since I've moved out of her room. I completely understand your desire to shit or get off the pot. And just to clarify, there is no magic number of times a year, it's the number that makes you happy that counts.
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 9:40:34 GMT -5
I'd say lay your cards on the table and tell your wife you are not happily married and that things have to get better with the frequency of sex or you can not guarantee the marriage will continue.
Had this talk many times now. MANY times. Mind you, I can't recall if I've threatened to leave her because of the lack of sex. But their have been other issues in the marriage along the way that brought up the subject of separation/divorce. Having said this, I left out a huge part in my intro story.
In 2000 we actually did split up for about 9 months. I moved into my Mom's, she into her parents. Because of lonliness and brooding I suppose, I didn't go out, didn't socialize. Went to work, came home and hid out in my room. One way or another my wife and I ended up having sex........and eventually got back together. Silly me!
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 28, 2017 10:00:29 GMT -5
I'd say lay your cards on the table and tell your wife you are not happily married and that things have to get better with the frequency of sex or you can not guarantee the marriage will continue.
Had this talk many times now. MANY times. Mind you, I can't recall if I've threatened to leave her because of the lack of sex. But their have been other issues in the marriage along the way that brought up the subject of separation/divorce. Having said this, I left out a huge part in my intro story.
In 2000 we actually did split up for about 9 months. I moved into my Mom's, she into her parents. Because of lonliness and brooding I suppose, I didn't go out, didn't socialize. Went to work, came home and hid out in my room. One way or another my wife and I ended up having sex........and eventually got back together. Silly me!
I think the threat of divorce is an important factor if there is a possibility of change. Set a timetable for yourself too. Then balls in your court! Lots of women out there!! |
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Post by beachguy on Jun 28, 2017 10:05:46 GMT -5
Yes, You know nothing will ever change. You know the difference between a reset and her desiring sex. You know there are other huge issues that are the result of a long term SM. You now fully understand the idea of counter-refusal, an inevitable result of your wife's plan to make you not want her. And you know she succeeded, brilliantly.
All that's left for you is a huge decision. Good luck with that decision.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 11:22:37 GMT -5
So, anytime we did have sex, afterwards, it was a kiss and goodbye as I would begrudgingly head down to the basement to sleep by myself. This went on for 5 years, until we bought a home where there was no basement thus she had no choice but to welcome me back into the matrimonial bed. Think things improved here?? NO!!!!!!!!!!! I continuously tell her she’s beautiful. I continuously tell her how much I desire her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, tonight….we’ll make love, or tonight………I’ll blow you. So with eager anticipation I look forward to tonight. Well 9.9 times out of 10, tonight doesn’t happen and when it does happen, 9.99 times out of 10, it’s gotta be on a Sunday night. No spontaneity whatsoever. Well, these two paragraphs are very familiar to me. I was woken up on a regular basis to be told to go sleep on the couch. However, my refuser NEVER went to the couch herself! As for telling her she is beautiful and you desire her, stop that! You may not be ready to hear this but a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you but wants to be supported by you is not beautiful. Regardless of her looks, she is not attractive. I am speaking from experience. I am 52 and left my sexless marriage in March 0f 16. Believe me, there is a lot to live for at our age! Do you have kids that are keeping you with her? |
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 11:31:29 GMT -5
As for telling her she is beautiful and you desire her, stop that! You may not be ready to hear this but a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you but wants to be supported by you is not beautiful. Regardless of her looks, she is not attractive. I am speaking from experience. I am 52 and left my sexless marriage in March 0f 16. Believe me, there is a lot to live for at our age! Do you have kids that are keeping you with her?Great advice, and advice I've actually started acting upon. Occasionally she will flash me her boobs, I pretend I don't notice. We went to a wedding last weekend, I told her she looked nice, that was it. I'm really thinking that this time, my feelings of pent up frustration are the proverbial "straw that broke the camels back".Nope, no kids keeping me with her. Kids: For many years that was an issue, I didn't want to leave because of the kids. They're both grown and flown the coop. I'm guessing the only things really holding me back are financial and material. I served 22 years in the Military and receive a pretty nice pension for that. If separation and divorce happens, I'll lose close to half of it. Then of course the home and all the other possessions. But the more I read on this site, the more I'm being convinced those are just material things......and financial things. Between my current employment and whatever I'd receive after losing some of my pension, I know I'd still be able to survive financially. Guess maybe its the fear of just starting all over. |
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 11:35:52 GMT -5
Sorry about the garbled response above. Kept going back in to edit so that my response to a quote from your post was divided. Wouldn't save the edit for whatever reason.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2017 12:00:30 GMT -5
Sorry about the garbled response above. Kept going back in to edit so that my response to a quote from your post was divided. Wouldn't save the edit for whatever reason. No problem guy. I understand about the financial reasons. I am going to lose some of my retirement as well. However, the peace that I have now is well worth it. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 28, 2017 12:03:45 GMT -5
Yes, You know nothing will ever change. You know the difference between a reset and her desiring sex. You know there are other huge issues that are the result of a long term SM. You now fully understand the idea of counter-refusal, an inevitable result of your wife's plan to make you not want her. And you know she succeeded, brilliantly. All that's left for you is a huge decision. Good luck with that decision. Beachguy said "yes, you know nothing will ever change". So last Monday morning and twice the prior week, she was a willing participant - the term willing being a subjective term of course. I see it as her being a good sport overall since I am working hard on this house, and I "deserve' some action. Note that the control is there, shirt stays on unless I "insist", no oral, restricted touching, kissing, etc. nope, just do the deed. I get two positions but still generally starfish either on back or from behind. Now this past Monday she does not say no but after 15 minutes I begin to feel like an necro...so I stop, shower, dress and head to the office. She of course will pretend to be asleep until I leave. Evening - awkward but not too abnormal. The white elephant gets ignored once again. Tuesday, I just get up and leave early. I work from home after 11. She takes long shower and comes out fully dressed. Though I think she expected me to be ready for a romp. But I wanted her to make some sort of a move first. (and why do I think such things?) Last night she sleeps with our 9 year old. This morning, I work from 6-7:30 then text her (she took her phone with her in there) for sex. She wakes up after 8 and finally came into "our" room. Just to say, "something started last night". It has only been 10 days since her last period ended and there is no evidence of anything having started. So I reply like oh - wow, already? She apologizes then lies down on the bed (door open) like I'll be happy with that! So no offer of anything else, no other play, just the statement and no way for me to really verify or not verify the excuse. Now I immediately start thinking I need to finish the basement because I need to move down there for my sanity and a little revenge I admit. But I have just read many instances where that makes NO difference. Five years can go by and still the same. So I appreciate this info. I called a contractor first thing this AM and he's coming over Friday. I need help for 2-3 days to complete the basement but now I have concluded just for the sake of resale value of home just bought. I do not want to do this another year let alone 30 more. Baza clarified in another post that we use kids and anything as excuses to stay. But he is right, we're just afraid of the unknown after the split. And as he said, watching the peculiar relationships of my older children, I am sure it makes little difference. For my 9 & 12 year old, I need a plan. My life was supposed to be an adventure. I allowed myself to stay at the first stop. |
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bigbossfan
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by bigbossfan on Jun 28, 2017 12:14:47 GMT -5
"My life was supposed to be an adventure. I allowed myself to stay at the first stop."
Love this line.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 28, 2017 12:29:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the group. Three years since I last had sex with my wife and three years since I've moved out of her room. I completely understand your desire to shit or get off the pot. And just to clarify, there is no magic number of times a year, it's the number that makes you happy that counts. Bingo! |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 28, 2017 12:40:07 GMT -5
Yes, You know nothing will ever change. You know the difference between a reset and her desiring sex. You know there are other huge issues that are the result of a long term SM. You now fully understand the idea of counter-refusal, an inevitable result of your wife's plan to make you not want her. And you know she succeeded, brilliantly. All that's left for you is a huge decision. Good luck with that decision. I would disagree that she succeeded. I think that she may believe right now that she succeeded. However, if things ever get to the point where you are ready to drop the Divorce bomb and let it go off? You will likely see a "what in the fuck did I do" look on her face. |
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