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Post by Anonymous Steve on Jul 3, 2017 17:49:59 GMT -5
The past couple of weeks my wife has sensed something was bothering me and tried to talk a few times, but I put it off knowing it was going to be a long stressful conversation and it wasn't the right time. The kids are out of town this week so I decided I would talk to her on Monday and I had prepared what I wanted to say about how she rejects and disrespects me on financial issues, parenting styles, and compromise, etc. When I came home she had on lingerie. I told her we needed to talk and laid it all out. She was blindsided and had felt everything was ok. She was more upset that I had ruined her reset and recharge week and says I made her feel terrible. She said she is the same she has always been and that I was being over sensitive. I explained after 25 years of feeling mistreated I had reached my breaking point and I was tired of it. She claimed I had mistreated her too and she just overlooked my shortcomings and that this is what normal couples go through. She also said she did respect me and did nice things for me but I'm just focusing on the negative. I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm so confused. Maybe I am just focusing on the negative. Did you give her any advance notice of what you were planning to do on that day? Like, real notice, not expecting-her-to-read-your-mind notice. Notice of the kind where you say, "I want to talk to you about some problems in our marriage on Monday." From your story, it sounds like you walked in as she was making herself physically and emotionally vulnerable to you and proceeded to dump 25 years of grievance on her without any warning. What kind of response were you expecting? I'm pretty sure that I would not respond very well if my wife did something quite so shitty to me. You say that you had prepared what you wanted to say; did it occur to you that she might also need to prepare for that conversation? Nobody on this board can tell you whether your marriage is salvageable or not, but you are not realistically going to be able to work it out unless you can communicate effectively with your wife. You may want to get some books or professional help on this, because what you did here is in no way a good communication strategy. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 3, 2017 18:56:17 GMT -5
Did you give her any advance notice of what you were planning to do on that day? Like, real notice, not expecting-her-to-read-your-mind notice. Notice of the kind where you say, "I want to talk to you about some problems in our marriage on Monday." From your story, it sounds like you walked in as she was making herself physically and emotionally vulnerable to you and proceeded to dump 25 years of grievance on her without any warning. What kind of response were you expecting? I'm pretty sure that I would not respond very well if my wife did something quite so shitty to me. You say that you had prepared what you wanted to say; did it occur to you that she might also need to prepare for that conversation? Nobody on this board can tell you whether your marriage is salvageable or not, but you are not realistically going to be able to work it out unless you can communicate effectively with your wife. You may want to get some books or professional help on this, because what you did here is in no way a good communication strategy. Steve, If you read his back stories, you will see that for 25 years he has been communicating, and for 25 years she has been blowing him off. Rather than continue to do the same thing over and over again for the next 25 years, and expecting a different outcome, he's trying Shock Therapy. And also obvious in his back story is that 25 years of rejection resulted in his no longer having much if any desire for her. Which is probably the biggest of all the many problems he has with his marriage. Love is perishable, and she's done a brilliant job of killing it. As an aside, she was not being vulnerable with him, she was just throwing him a bone. I didn't say that, she said exactly that, in his recent back story. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 7, 2017 21:32:03 GMT -5
The past couple of weeks my wife has sensed something was bothering me and tried to talk a few times, but I put it off knowing it was going to be a long stressful conversation and it wasn't the right time. The kids are out of town this week so I decided I would talk to her on Monday and I had prepared what I wanted to say about how she rejects and disrespects me on financial issues, parenting styles, and compromise, etc. When I came home she had on lingerie. I told her we needed to talk and laid it all out. She was blindsided and had felt everything was ok. She was more upset that I had ruined her reset and recharge week and says I made her feel terrible. She said she is the same she has always been and that I was being over sensitive. I explained after 25 years of feeling mistreated I had reached my breaking point and I was tired of it. She claimed I had mistreated her too and she just overlooked my shortcomings and that this is what normal couples go through. She also said she did respect me and did nice things for me but I'm just focusing on the negative. I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm so confused. Maybe I am just focusing on the negative. Anything new, or is she avoiding you? Personally, I believe you received a healthy dose of good advice. A lot to think about. I would like to hear more of your thoughts on some of it? |
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Post by neonspace on Jul 16, 2017 21:05:44 GMT -5
I just got back to reading most of these responses because it was difficult at the time. Thank you for all the feedback.
She has agreed to separate bank accounts as I requested.
She has also agreed to counseling if I am going to "make her go". Not all that excited about this, since I think it should be something she wants to do. I also don't really have much interest in going since she isn't willing to be honest with a therapist about the core issue of past abuse.
She is trying a little bit, but I think I'm so resentful and checked out that it doesn't matter. Now I'm trying to overcome the idea of having enough confidence to tell her it is too late and it doesn't really matter what she does. This is painful for me. I have been more active in my search for outsourcing. In the back of mind I think doing that and getting caught would force the issue and would allow me to avoid the difficult conversation. I feel like it is a weak move and a dodge and I'm not proud of it.
Even the tiniest things disgust me now, listening to her drink water repulses me. Is this common?
I mentioned the bead in the bowl activity when I thought sex was the real issue. She has agreed and we use a different variation. I've never used it and don't plan to, but she has used it once. I saw it there and dreaded the idea. Now I actually hope that it isn't there. She may have been able to fake it for all this time, but I don't want to.
One of my regrets is that I didn't communicate better my dissatisfaction and unhappiness over the past years. That is one area I think I may have failed her.
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Post by baza on Jul 16, 2017 21:29:20 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother neonspace - "One of my regrets is that I didn't communicate better my dissatisfaction and unhappiness over the past years". I think most of us would have to raise our hand for that one and say "me too". The earliest possible intervention is the key in these matters, and that is the exact thing that most of us do not do. If the underlying issues are fixable then early action enhances the chances of that fix working. The longer the underlying issues remain unaddressed, the more entrenched and intractable the underlying issues become, and at some point (and I'd suggest that kicks in after about 5 years minimum) they cross over into "no longer fixable" territory. And, of course, there are those marriages that were just hopeless from the get go and were never fixable - even if you had intervened immediately the underlying issues were identified. That's what we see in here in story after story after story. Marriages that have degenerated into unfixable status with the passage of time. Marriages that were never fixable. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2017 23:17:25 GMT -5
I just got back to reading most of these responses because it was difficult at the time. Thank you for all the feedback. She has agreed to separate bank accounts as I requested. She has also agreed to counseling if I am going to "make her go". Not all that excited about this, since I think it should be something she wants to do. I also don't really have much interest in going since she isn't willing to be honest with a therapist about the core issue of past abuse. She is trying a little bit, but I think I'm so resentful and checked out that it doesn't matter. Now I'm trying to overcome the idea of having enough confidence to tell her it is too late and it doesn't really matter what she does. This is painful for me. I have been more active in my search for outsourcing. In the back of mind I think doing that and getting caught would force the issue and would allow me to avoid the difficult conversation. I feel like it is a weak move and a dodge and I'm not proud of it. Even the tiniest things disgust me now, listening to her drink water repulses me. Is this common? I mentioned the bead in the bowl activity when I thought sex was the real issue. She has agreed and we use a different variation. I've never used it and don't plan to, but she has used it once. I saw it there and dreaded the idea. Now I actually hope that it isn't there. She may have been able to fake it for all this time, but I don't want to. One of my regrets is that I didn't communicate better my dissatisfaction and unhappiness over the past years. That is one area I think I may have failed her. My friend, if she is only going to counseling if she thinks you are "making" her go, I don't know if it will be fruitful. Unfortunately, it seems that she does not think she has any issues, except that you are not enamored of her. I understand your feeling that you did not communicate your dissatisfaction over the past years. However, please remember that you are not the one who neglected such an important part of marriage. Your refuser is reaping what she has sown. I suggest that you make it clear in no uncertain terms that she has failed you in the marriage. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2017 9:26:58 GMT -5
neonspace , if you decided to take a job in sales but rarely closed deals, would she still be thankful when you occasionally bring home a small check? Especially if she wasn't part of the decision and wouldn't have agreed with the arrangement? If she was unhappy about it, would she be "focusing on the negative"? Or would it be a prudent discussion about something that's material to the marriage? Because it's not important to them, refusers love to downplay the importance of intimacy and suggest that you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm sure they wouldn't feel the same about something they considered important. 100% true. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2017 13:27:56 GMT -5
By saying she will go to counseling only if "you make her go" what she is saying is that she will not participate, she has no issues with the marriage she wants to work on. She is buying time, doing a "long term reset" to keep the dead marriage on life support (probably for a continuing source of $$$$).
That is a HUGE waste of time and money. It is a Sign From God that the marriage is over. If it were me I would tell her "I'm not interested in counseling unless you are 1000% invested in saving this marriage before it is too late, assuming it isn't already too late". And I would use the term "saving" or something more imaginative and dire, to make it clear she is facing dire straits.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 17, 2017 20:39:26 GMT -5
She has also agreed to counseling if I am going to "make her go". Not all that excited about this, since I think it should be something she wants to do. Ditto beachguy's comment. This is a salvage operation. A turnaround. If she's not fully on board, then there's no use going through the motions. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 18, 2017 18:14:38 GMT -5
She has also agreed to counseling if I am going to "make her go". Not all that excited about this, since I think it should be something she wants to do. You are 100% correct. It's an exercise in futility and pain if she's not enthusiastically onboard with as much urgency as you have to fix it. Without a will to fix it, it's just a theater in which to demonstrate and justify her disconnection. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 18, 2017 19:47:06 GMT -5
The past couple of weeks my wife has sensed something was bothering me and tried to talk a few times, but I put it off knowing it was going to be a long stressful conversation and it wasn't the right time. The kids are out of town this week so I decided I would talk to her on Monday and I had prepared what I wanted to say about how she rejects and disrespects me on financial issues, parenting styles, and compromise, etc. When I came home she had on lingerie. I told her we needed to talk and laid it all out. She was blindsided and had felt everything was ok. She was more upset that I had ruined her reset and recharge week and says I made her feel terrible. She said she is the same she has always been and that I was being over sensitive. I explained after 25 years of feeling mistreated I had reached my breaking point and I was tired of it. She claimed I had mistreated her too and she just overlooked my shortcomings and that this is what normal couples go through. She also said she did respect me and did nice things for me but I'm just focusing on the negative. I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm so confused. Maybe I am just focusing on the negative. Damn it all! She should be made to feel terrible. That's how you have felt for 25 years - don't second guess that. You should not expect her to suddenly develop empathy where none existed before. But, perhaps a taste of her own medicine will enlighten her. If not don't let her manipulation sway you! |
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