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Post by northstarmom on Jun 22, 2017 7:54:15 GMT -5
When my marriage ended, I had been with him 36 years, married 34. While I often say that I wish I had left earlier, truth is, that if I could redo things, I'd have stayed that long. Why? I wasn't ready to leave. For most of the marriage, being with an emotionally limited, sexually averse partner was a good fit for me. I was very depressed, dependent, lacked confidence and was ashamed and out of touch with my own sexuality. I grew up Catholic and had a mother who told me tales of women who were institutionalized in mental hospitals due to their wanting to have orgasms!
It took me until I was in my mid 50s to begin to live life on my own terms including exploring a variety of activities that I always wished I could do, but never had the courage to try. I ended up being the type of gregarious, artsy person whom I'd always admired, but never thought I was. It's amazing what one can find out about oneself when one is brave enough to take lessons in things that interest you, and one is brave enough to socialize alone and make the first move in friendships! But to get to that place took a lot of therapy, medication, advice from wise friends (and learning how to select and confide in supportive, good people), and self-exploration.
There also were some very good things that I experienced in my marriage that I might not have experienced if I had been with someone else. For instance, my ex was an intrepid traveler, and from him, I learned a lot about international travel and living abroad. I'm very much enjoying sharing those things with my post SM partner. And we had kids together who also changed my life for the better.
I don't regret my long SM. I'm very glad, however, to no longer be in it.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 22, 2017 8:30:47 GMT -5
If what I know now about SM, I knew prior to my kids being born then I would have left.
During the years of my young kids, I wasn't ready to leave, nor did I make enough money to support myself.
I think for me and my situation the timing was good and the perfect time for me and my family.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 22, 2017 11:19:54 GMT -5
I wish I had come back from my honeymoon and started an annulment. Which I spent a week thinking about before our return.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 22, 2017 11:35:04 GMT -5
I was married 16 years, 10 of them sexless. I probably could have left earlier than I did, but I was so emotionally beaten down that I couldn't see leaving as a viable option. Then I found EP. Seeing other women with the same problem was eye-opening, it wasn't just me/all my fault. Support there and in individual counseling was helpful, plus he and I tried couples, twice. I left knowing I did everything I could to try and turn around the marriage, and that it was the best decision for me to leave.
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Post by Caris on Jun 22, 2017 11:59:36 GMT -5
I don't know that I qualify as an "opposite lander" as I'm still without what I never had in the marriage, however, it would have taken a different mindset than I had then for me to have left earlier. With the same mindset, I'd have made the same choices. Now, I wouldn't start a relationship without certain qualifying factors. My deal breakers (things I tolerated my whole life) are much greater now, and my tolerance level for certain behaviors is very low. I have, what Jordan Peterson calls, an agreeable personality. This means I had a high tolerance level for all kinds of people and behaviors. I didn't like to upset people (probably because I was beaten as a child for the least of things, even for voicing a different opinion), so I walked on eggshells my whole childhood trying to keep the peace, and being a good girl...not that it made a difference to the mental and physical cruelty metered out to me...so I just wanted to please and be accepted and loved. I'm sure that is why I stayed so long. If I could just be good enough, try harder, do something different, wait long enough, he would want me. Of course carrying over my childhood patterns of survival didn't work, but I didn't even know that's what I was doing. I do know now. It's as plain as day that I was stuck in the same behavior patterns, but without being aware of them, you can't change. Self awareness is very important, and even becoming aware of things, it can be difficult to make the break. Those patterns become imprinted on our nervous systems, so people start to realize how their own behavior is detrimental to their wellbeing, but changing it, well that's the hard part and takes time and persistence. While I still have an agreeable personality at heart, it's tempered with experience and maturity, and if I even get a whiff of trying to please someone to be accepted, it's an automatic "turn-off." I'm no longer a puppy dog, but a full grown German Sheppard.  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2017 12:03:05 GMT -5
Hind sight is 20/20. With that said I think about the future. (you can't swing forward without pushing back)
In the future (with a different Mrs. GreatCoastal) if major life changing events occur (moving, relocation, loosing job, getting a new job,children ,or relatives moving in, death in the family, natural disasters, etc...) I feel I have every right to expect more intimacy, more sex, more apathy, more compassion, during those times. ( to be treated worthy- the respect that anyone deserves) The same would go for me towards my mate.
Instead of me being forced to be rejected, neglected, and being put way down on the list of priorities. Allowing the attitude of "I don't see the need for it". And me feeling FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) if I don't comply.
I am afraid I was trained, and raised, all to well to forgive, give, and expect little in return. Child after child (8 times)made it harder to think about myself. Add circumstances on top of that, and you now have 24 yrs.
It took settling. No more children, no more job changes, and the biggest of all NO MORE HOPE! for the change to be the right thing to do, at the right time.
The time came to reflect on myself. To realize how un-worthy I felt, and had been treated.
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Post by baza on Jun 22, 2017 21:27:59 GMT -5
I think that if my then missus' financial irresponsibility had kicked in earlier than it did, then I *would* have left earlier than I did.
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Post by JMX on Jun 22, 2017 23:32:07 GMT -5
Knowing what I know now... which is impossible - I would have left the minute my last baby came into the world. Maybe even after I got pregnant with her (that one time in January 2008 we had sex that month for three minutes - no we were NOT trying and I was on BC). Otherwise - no. I would not have the babies I have now without him. Or, they would be different people. I don't want different people as my people. They are smart, funny and beautiful girls full of crazy personality and wonder. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Part of me would trade the other crap since. I would! However - I would never know the depths of my soul and my own depravity, melancholy or resilience without this experience. I could endure most anything now, I think. I can do anything and I KNOW that now. I thank him for that, at least.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 26, 2017 8:42:22 GMT -5
Life rolls how it rolls. I wasn't capable of leaving sooner and I had my own growth to go through to even SEE the dysfunction between us. So it happened how it happened and I am happy where I am - that's all that counts.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 30, 2017 7:52:03 GMT -5
My marriage was pretty short, only lasting around 5yrs. if you don't count the mandatory 1yr. separation requirement in NC. At yr. 3 when I realized how little intimacy was in the marriage I set about to try and fix things. I addressed my low testosterone and was again initiating a couple times a week, with little success. So I tried all the remedies I read in marriage counseling guides, thinking it was something I was or was not doing. When that failed I had numerous "talks" that usually resulted in reset sex for a week or 2, but still no intimacy. Finally I proposed a FWB for me so she would not have to deal with my constantly trying to plow her furrow. For the last yr. as I tried to save the marriage I was on EP arguing I could turn it around. I just couldn't give up. But I finally drug myself kicking and screaming to the truth that she really didn't love me and it was never going to be good for me again. So I distanced myself from her, stopped participating in joint activities with relatives and friends and took off my ring. Shortly after she agreed to start talking about how we were going to end things.
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Post by dinnaken on Jun 30, 2017 15:28:34 GMT -5
Sadly, no I would not/could not have left earlier
For an assortment of reasons some about me as a person - my personality & vulnerabilities - and some my circumstances.
After my child was born, I began to realise my wife's controlling nature and I could not, in all conscience, leave a young child in the care of someone who was like that. I had to think of the child. For various other reasons around my child's education I also felt I had to stay. When that ended I left.
I'd like to be able to say that the experience had left me a stronger, better person but I've yet to be convinced!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2017 15:46:02 GMT -5
Well, considering my daughters, I am glad I stayed as long as I did because I could not have been able to stand being a part time dad. I would have missed out on entirely too much.
However, when my refuser would not fuck on the wedding night, I should have taken the next flight back home, called a lawyer and gotten an annulment. I would have saved myself decades of misery, and probably my refuser would have learned something for her next relationship.
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