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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 12:51:57 GMT -5
I would like to add. I genuinely believe my H has a low T issue. My H does think I am attractive and shoes me he does through words and touch. Does he pay attention to all of me like I want him to? Not really, but as we talk more and more about how we feel and how each other wants physical and emotional connection we are getting more out there. And he is starting to touch and pay attention to areas we have talked about. I am more confident now than the last big talk we had (about a year and a half ago) and have been a lot more open to what I really want/need. Was some of this my fault? Oh hell yes. We have talked at length many times before. I have realizing now with all the other stories and glimpses of life that I contributed so much more to my situation than I had imagined. I was the one who would pull away after it had been a time, I was the one who wasn't talking, I was bitter and resentful at times when I could have been open and honest. I think my marriage actually has a serious chance at lasting and being happy and fulfilling. I am not sure if it will be everything I could ever want in the bedroom but I can't expect him to do something that makes them uncomfortable... Just as I expect him to respect the thing I am not interested in in bed. There is one thing in particular that I am pretty dead set on but that's another story  Anyway, I just wanted to summerize that there has been positive change in the last six months that I truly believe is worth following through with I'd agree that your situation is one of the rare ones here that have hope. The reason for this is that you have reasonable expectations. You know what is possible, and what would be acceptable (even if not ideal). And looking back, I see areas I sure as hell contributed to my marriage going from the edge of a cliff to right over it. In my case, that's all said and done at this point. Free fall is hard to recover from without a parachute. Sometimes, here, we paint the low libido partner as a monster. Sometimes the partner IS a monster (thinking @eternaloptimist or darktippedrose here). But sometimes it is just two people who never should have gotten married in the first place. And as far as the one thing you're dead set against, it is understandable. I am a Star Wars fan and Return of the Jedi is an awesome movie, but forcing you to dress up like Jabba the Hut while he is chained to you dressed as Princess Leia is just a bridge too far for most anyone. Stick to your guns. |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 23, 2017 13:08:32 GMT -5
I'd agree that your situation is one of the rare ones here that have hope. The reason for this is that you have reasonable expectations. You know what is possible, and what would be acceptable (even if not ideal). And looking back, I see areas I sure as hell contributed to my marriage going from the edge of a cliff to right over it. In my case, that's all said and done at this point. Free fall is hard to recover from without a parachute. Sometimes, here, we paint the low libido partner as a monster. Sometimes the partner IS a monster (thinking @eternaloptimist or darktippedrose here). But sometimes it is just two people who never should have gotten married in the first place. And as far as the one thing you're dead set against, it is understandable. I am a Star Wars fan and Return of the Jedi is an awesome movie, but forcing you to dress up like Jabba the Hut while he is chained to you dressed as Princess Leia is just a bridge too far for most anyone. Stick to your guns. Hahahaha!!! What can I say, I like my golden bikini! I appreciate that though, thankfully my H isn't a monster! And I agree with you though, there is absolutely a point of no return that I think a lot of members have passed 😟 |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2017 13:39:48 GMT -5
I'd agree that your situation is one of the rare ones here that have hope. The reason for this is that you have reasonable expectations. You know what is possible, and what would be acceptable (even if not ideal). And looking back, I see areas I sure as hell contributed to my marriage going from the edge of a cliff to right over it. In my case, that's all said and done at this point. Free fall is hard to recover from without a parachute. Sometimes, here, we paint the low libido partner as a monster. Sometimes the partner IS a monster (thinking @eternaloptimist or darktippedrose here). But sometimes it is just two people who never should have gotten married in the first place. And as far as the one thing you're dead set against, it is understandable. I am a Star Wars fan and Return of the Jedi is an awesome movie, but forcing you to dress up like Jabba the Hut while he is chained to you dressed as Princess Leia is just a bridge too far for most anyone. Stick to your guns. Hahahaha!!! What can I say, I like my golden bikini! I appreciate that though, thankfully my H isn't a monster! And I agree with you though, there is absolutely a point of no return that I think a lot of members have passed 😟 Uh, the golden bikini is for HIM. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 23, 2017 15:07:12 GMT -5
he is starting to touch and pay attention to areas we have talked about. You are comfortable with your informed stance - I think that having a plan of what is within and without bounds of enhancing your life is great. You are looking at it and have a handle on what you want to happen and whether you are closer to it or not. I'm not sure if "touch" and "pay attention to areas" means he is pursuing with you sex that he wants to have with you, but whatever it means, it is satisfying your criteria for staying invested right now. While it isn't applicable to your scenario, there's enough that appears surface-familiar in what you have said that I should present another view. Sometimes in these scenarios, people who are sexually averse to a partner will try to pre-empt or substitute a less-vulnerable intimacy in lieu of a fully invested sexual encounter. Mrs Apocrypha found that giving occasional BJs, or cuddling, or touching with Netflix or something, was either an acceptable level of closeness for her or would offer the degree of control over circumstance or duration that fit with her comfort level, without really going "all in" herself. It would either "get her off the hook" if she could pop me off quick after a few weeks under pressure, or she could use it to guilt me into not being appreciative of cuddling "offered". As such, it can feel like it's going "in the right direction" while actually, it's being used as an appeasement or stalling tactic. I know this because I have done this myself in a relationship prior to my marriage when I was "off sex" with my partner. Part of the idea of taking an empathetic approach to the problem of a conflict over desire, is in understanding that the refusing spouse ALSO has a problem to manage - the flipside of your goal. Their problem is that they don't want to have sex with their partner. So they navigate by trying to figure out how to have the least sex they can have, or present the appearance of sexual investment while engaging and holding with the least amount possible. It doesn't always mean that it's going in a different direction; it could just be running parallel to the trajectory of an actual mutually invested romantic partnership. Time and awareness help in judging that. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 23, 2017 18:07:52 GMT -5
I think my marriage actually has a serious chance at lasting and being happy and fulfilling. I agree. He is willing to talk about it and actually work on things. Lack of that is usually the kiss of death for marriages here. Really? You're gonna just toss that out there and leave us hanging? ;-) |
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 24, 2017 20:21:12 GMT -5
I think my marriage actually has a serious chance at lasting and being happy and fulfilling. I agree. He is willing to talk about it and actually work on things. Lack of that is usually the kiss of death for marriages here. Really? You're gonna just toss that out there and leave us hanging? ;-) I talk too much by nature anyway, if he wasn't willing to communicate I thing I would suffocate. My dead set need is oral. I have never received oral sex and I am aching for it. We have talked about it a lot, he thinks it is gross, but says he is willing to do it if it is really important to me. We shall see if that actually holds true! I am optimistic but not holding my breath. He says he has done it before to girlfriend's before me but did not like it at all. I feel like it is something I need to experience. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 24, 2017 23:46:12 GMT -5
I agree. He is willing to talk about it and actually work on things. Lack of that is usually the kiss of death for marriages here. Really? You're gonna just toss that out there and leave us hanging? ;-) I talk too much by nature anyway, if he wasn't willing to communicate I thing I would suffocate. My dead set need is oral. I have never received oral sex and I am aching for it. We have talked about it a lot, he thinks it is gross, but says he is willing to do it if it is really important to me. We shall see if that actually holds true! I am optimistic but not holding my breath. He says he has done it before to girlfriend's before me but did not like it at all. I feel like it is something I need to experience. I wonder if it is an acquired taste? I never gave oral until meeting my wife, and it wasn't as important then in our younger years. Now I crave it more, perhaps even more so than intercourse. My wife sometimes gets tickled so would only want my hands instead. So, I'm sure you are getting that stimulation and enjoying it. Oral is definitely worth fighting for though. Sometimes she makes up for it by giving me oral, so I promptly stfu and count my lucky 🌟s. Hopefully your h acquires a liking for it. Hold your breath if you have to. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 25, 2017 0:14:10 GMT -5
Yes! I know that is against the grain, but I am being honest. I had a lot of damage done to me in my childhood that I have been revisiting and repairing. Without the support (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual) from my H and his family I would have left my marriage to be a pent up mess. He has shown me how strong I am. He has shown me how smart I am. He has shown me how capable I am. He has shown me the best happiness I have ever had in my life. Guys weren't having sex with me before I was married to him, getting turned down by a guy at a bar because the friend your with is cuter/sexier/prettier hurts a lot too I was always One of the guys and a huge tomboy, so most guys never took a second look at me. They were always begging me to set them up with my very attractive friends. I have been thinking a lot about that lately wondering if that is why I have stayed. Hard To think about that. prettier and sexier isn't as important as you would think, at least physically. I would post stuff showing hot women but it's for fun and fantasy. Like eating yummy pistachio ice cream. In terms of real life, I would eat more nutritious food that is good for me. One of my favorite romance books is Jane Eyre, about plain Jane. Most people will choose substance over eyecandy in the end. Attractiveness is many things. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 25, 2017 1:08:39 GMT -5
My dead set need is oral. I have never received oral sex and I am aching for it. We have talked about it a lot, he thinks it is gross, but says he is willing to do it if it is really important to me. We shall see if that actually holds true! I am optimistic but not holding my breath. He says he has done it before to girlfriend's before me but did not like it at all. I feel like it is something I need to experience. That's only half an answer, but I'll take it. ;-) Yes, you definitely deserve to experience oral, and far more than one trial attempt from someone inexperienced who hates it. It's not like you're wanting to become his dungeon master - this is an easy request to satisfy. I can guarantee you from here that that experience would fall way short of the potential. Of course one option is for H to endorse "practice makes perfect"; if not, it becomes a harder problem to solve. |
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