|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jun 22, 2017 11:26:41 GMT -5
Do we, the refused, LET them refuse us. Do the refused LET the refusers refuse and cheat? Even if you confront them? Do we let them get away with it? You can't control what a person does. All you can do is affix a consequence to the behaviour. Just as his behavior has affixed a consequence that you feel. So, yes, "You let him." What else can you do to prevent an adult from making a choice? What they are really saying is you let him make his choice, while accepting the burden yourself to reduce the consequence of his choices, and of the situation (which is that he doesn't want to have sex with you). What is the natural consequence? Aside from legal/bureaucratic procedures, a Western marriage is usually a shared idea of partnership that includes a monogamous, exclusive, mutual romantic investment. You are choosing to uphold that presentation when your lived reality doesn't reflect it. In not desiring sex with you (that's the situation HE deals with), the consequence is that he avoids it with you. This alone means that you no longer have a mutual romantic investment. By agreeing to portray yourself as "married", with the expectation that he desires you when clearly he does not, or that he have sex with you when he won't, means you are choosing (as is he) to be inauthentic to each other and to yourselves about the nature of your relationship. The greater burden of that inauthenticity, as the more invested partner, falls on you. If the most that happens as a result of his lack of investment is that you get upset from time to time... that's a manageable consequence for him. In cheating on you, especially with your knowledge and those around you, the relationship is no longer exclusive, either. I can tell you from experience, it is hard to be married to an ex-wife or to a single person. You need to rewind to what you think a marriage IS. Decide if you have that. If you don't, then play the ball where it landed and adjust your expectations accordingly. Allow the market correction to happen. Or, continue pretending. The marriage is over in any practical sense. Not the relationship, per se; but the marriage. The marriage isn't bringing anything to the table that an ex-spouse couldn't. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 14:40:44 GMT -5
Bullies always get away with it, until you stop them. In this case, you're going to need lots of support starting with legal.
|
|
rev316
New Member
Married
Posts: 10 
Age Range: 56-60
|
Post by rev316 on Jun 22, 2017 15:42:04 GMT -5
Most communities have women's shelters. They provide a place to get away from an abusive spouse, provide psychological and legal counseling, and temporary living. You need not need to "get away" from physical abuse to go, nor do you need to be preparing to leave. You will find a real life support environment. I was involved with one in Southern California as a board member and there are many services available, although as they are local nonprofit organizations, they vary from community to community. If you have not checked into what's available, this might be worth looking into. If your spouse drinks, you might consider Al Anon.
|
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Jun 22, 2017 17:12:12 GMT -5
Most communities have women's shelters. They provide a place to get away from an abusive spouse, provide psychological and legal counseling, and temporary living. You need not need to "get away" from physical abuse to go, nor do you need to be preparing to leave. You will find a real life support environment. I was involved with one in Southern California as a board member and there are many services available, although as they are local nonprofit organizations, they vary from community to community. If you have not checked into what's available, this might be worth looking into. If your spouse drinks, you might consider Al Anon. My husband doesn't drink, not that I know of. But he does smoke weed with the woman that he has sex with. The women's shelters don't take everyone. My husband's ex-wife tried to get into one a bit before the divorce, and it ended up not happening. They wouldn't take her, even with 2 little kids (at the time). I never said that I was planning on staying forever. Saving money for me is difficult, and with my grandparents getting older, the people in charge of the accounts, also steal the money from time to time. So I can't leave it with my grandma or whatever to save up over the years. leaving now, with 2 children who are getting more aggressive, is difficult. I've had times where my kids were aggressive to just take them to the bus. You don't realize all that goes into keeping children with autism safe. At all. As it is, if I were to leave now, I would have absolutely NO WAY of even going grocery shopping. there is a plan, its just not happening the next year or whatever. All my children are in middle-school, so it won't be that that long. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 22, 2017 17:34:06 GMT -5
I'm glad to hear you have a plan. Brainstorming it here means get help.
Is there a way you could ups keep a secret stash of money in the house? Even stuffing it in the mattress would be better than an account with relatives who steal it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 17:40:18 GMT -5
Most communities have women's shelters. They provide a place to get away from an abusive spouse, provide psychological and legal counseling, and temporary living. You need not need to "get away" from physical abuse to go, nor do you need to be preparing to leave. You will find a real life support environment. I was involved with one in Southern California as a board member and there are many services available, although as they are local nonprofit organizations, they vary from community to community. If you have not checked into what's available, this might be worth looking into. If your spouse drinks, you might consider Al Anon. My husband doesn't drink, not that I know of. But he does smoke weed with the woman that he has sex with. The women's shelters don't take everyone. My husband's ex-wife tried to get into one a bit before the divorce, and it ended up not happening. They wouldn't take her, even with 2 little kids (at the time). I never said that I was planning on staying forever. Saving money for me is difficult, and with my grandparents getting older, the people in charge of the accounts, also steal the money from time to time. So I can't leave it with my grandma or whatever to save up over the years. leaving now, with 2 children who are getting more aggressive, is difficult. I've had times where my kids were aggressive to just take them to the bus. You don't realize all that goes into keeping children with autism safe. At all. As it is, if I were to leave now, I would have absolutely NO WAY of even going grocery shopping. there is a plan, its just not happening the next year or whatever. All my children are in middle-school, so it won't be that that long. Sometimes it seems everyone's advice here is just to get out but everyone lives has different problems so don't think less of yourself because of that. You have made your kids the priorities. Your husband won't changed whatever you scream shout or rave so forget the idea that you must police everything he does. My only advice I have is to be good to yourself, don't blame yourself instead find small ways to make yourself happy 🌷 |
|
|
|
Post by warmways on Jun 22, 2017 17:42:21 GMT -5
dark tipped rose
I condoned enabled allowed pretended played the victim lived wi complained about a man since 2001 and always told him actions speak louder than words when he only thought for and about himself. He hasn't cheated that I know of and hasn't physically beat me but has done every other thing possible and little by little my self esteem self worth and almost even my self identity was stripped away. Had breakdowns but slowly built myself back up. I had to give myself forgiveness patience love by the boatloads to fill the emptiness and to be able to gain energy to leave. I am ready now. I realize now that in my case 🌕 actions speak louder than words 🌕applies to me also.
I had a minor setback after dealing with a backlash after he flipped out that I moved all my clothes out of my closet. He began his skillful manipulatioms and working every angle. I still have resolve but am having to slow down again and gain some quiet strength. When I kept not acting or responding to my voice that said get the hell out I slipped back a little prolonging he torture and hardening the cement I placed around my own voice and thoughts.
But this isn't about me.
It is about you.
All of us have unique stories. All have a monumental battle.
Yours seems incredibly tough. Please stay safe. Keep putting your own interest and own safety first. Gain strength and slowly plan and go. I'm one of the people that took a really long time. Forever. But that is me and I accept that.
Accept yourself. Being with him is unacceptable.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jun 22, 2017 17:54:17 GMT -5
Yes, to the extent that you stay in the relationship and therefore you enable and condone his behavior. Sorry if it sounds harsh but I'm not sure how to sugar coat this. I'm kind of with darktippedrose on this: true, she's choosing to stay. But she is quite clearly NOT condoning the behavior. She is being crystal clear that it is "not OK". That she is powerless to stop her H from seeing others is NOT the same as condoning. If a crazy person across the street yelled to me: "is it OK if I start shooting people?", and I yelled "NO!" and immediately called the police, then he starts shooting people... you CAN'T say that I condoned this behavior. I was just powerless to help it. I think that is an apt analogy to DTR's situation. Of course we "let them do it". ... We "let them do it" by the simple expedience of staying with them. Again, I disagree. That DTR doesn't leave the marriage is NOT the same as condoning the behavior either. After all, leaving 1) would negatively affects her (in her estimation), and 2) probably won't stop the behavior! I mean, if she leaves, won't he still probably mess around? So if that action of hers either way doesn't change his behavior... why is one choice "condoning" and the other "not condoning"? @dan In terms of analogies I would go with. Lay on the ground and let H walk all over W. And then say W does not condone H walking all over W and disrespecting W. Well, W can pick herself off the ground or better still do a Krav Maga move and lay H´s Ass on the mat. I think "not condoning it" is weak and a too eager role to play the self-righteous victim. Why be the victim? Patton said you do not win a war by dying for your country, you win the war by having the other SoB die for his country. The first response / suggestion was "LEAVE" - well something along those lines. "Not condoning it" is passive. It is not even "passive resistance" it is just plain old passive. Leave? Zip Code? Get a Private Eye and catch the H cheating and nail his ass? Fight back? Not with fists? Be clever. Get the initiative. This all goes full circle back to Baza`s comment - will any of this change the SM shithole? Will any of this cause H to be respectful and loving to W? I think the answer is obvious. |
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on Jun 22, 2017 17:59:30 GMT -5
Most communities have women's shelters. They provide a place to get away from an abusive spouse, provide psychological and legal counseling, and temporary living. You need not need to "get away" from physical abuse to go, nor do you need to be preparing to leave. You will find a real life support environment. I was involved with one in Southern California as a board member and there are many services available, although as they are local nonprofit organizations, they vary from community to community. If you have not checked into what's available, this might be worth looking into. If your spouse drinks, you might consider Al Anon. My husband doesn't drink, not that I know of. But he does smoke weed with the woman that he has sex with. The women's shelters don't take everyone. My husband's ex-wife tried to get into one a bit before the divorce, and it ended up not happening. They wouldn't take her, even with 2 little kids (at the time). I never said that I was planning on staying forever. Saving money for me is difficult, and with my grandparents getting older, the people in charge of the accounts, also steal the money from time to time. So I can't leave it with my grandma or whatever to save up over the years. leaving now, with 2 children who are getting more aggressive, is difficult. I've had times where my kids were aggressive to just take them to the bus. You don't realize all that goes into keeping children with autism safe. At all. As it is, if I were to leave now, I would have absolutely NO WAY of even going grocery shopping. there is a plan, its just not happening the next year or whatever. All my children are in middle-school, so it won't be that that long. Very encouraging to hear you are focusing on plans of escape / liberation. Sounds pretty tough circumstances - why do I think of tunnelling out of Alcatraz? You are sacrificing yourself at least for the coming years for your children's well being and being totally honest and aware of the situation with your no-good to you H. A most noble cause and painful to endure. Respect. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Jun 23, 2017 2:37:27 GMT -5
I was told recently by a man that I'm letting my husband get away with it and might as well invite women for him to have sex with My aunt has also said something similar to this I've confronted my husband, and sometimes, I almost feel like he's telling the truth. I know he's not, thus me being a little crazy and confused sometimes. Do we, the refused, LET them refuse us. Do the refused LET the refusers refuse and cheat? Even if you confront them? Do we let them get away with it? I could cry my eyes out and my husband still wouldn't sway how he feels. Or what he does. anyways, I would love to know. the man you spoke to is a fool. Hopefully you don't see him too often. All talk and no help. Refusers and cheaters can do whatever they want. You need to do what is best for your children and yourself. If it is unsafe to leave at this time, then wait until things get better. Do we let our spouses get away with crap? Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, who cares. Just don't let him hurt you because he doesn't care about you. Be brave and strong and loving for your family. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 26, 2017 5:59:26 GMT -5
From her various posts over the years:
She has found condoms in his car. They haven't had sex for years.
He is a radical Muslim who admires Isis.
He blames her and their children for what he perceives as his lack of enough religious fervor.
He hates his kids from a previous marriage because they are Christian.
He has been on some kind of watch list by the federal government.
He takes secret trips.
He moved radical muslims from abroad into their home and that couple treated her like garbage
He thinks it's evil for her to do anything sexual.
She has more than enough reason to leave her husband who seems delusional and dangerous. Leaving will be diffiicult since she has autistic children and her relatives steal her money. She says she is working on a long term plan to leave. She hasn't yet shared it here.
|
|
