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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 21, 2017 16:26:41 GMT -5
I was told recently by a man that I'm letting my husband get away with it and might as well invite women for him to have sex with
My aunt has also said something similar to this
I've confronted my husband, and sometimes, I almost feel like he's telling the truth. I know he's not, thus me being a little crazy and confused sometimes.
Do we, the refused, LET them refuse us. Do the refused LET the refusers refuse and cheat? Even if you confront them?
Do we let them get away with it?
I could cry my eyes out and my husband still wouldn't sway how he feels. Or what he does.
anyways, I would love to know.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jun 21, 2017 16:35:41 GMT -5
I was told recently by a man that I'm letting my husband get away with it and might as well invite women for him to have sex with My aunt has also said something similar to this I've confronted my husband, and sometimes, I almost feel like he's telling the truth. I know he's not, thus me being a little crazy and confused sometimes. Do we, the refused, LET them refuse us. Do the refused LET the refusers refuse and cheat? Even if you confront them? Do we let them get away with it? I could cry my eyes out and my husband still wouldn't sway how he feels. Or what he does. anyways, I would love to know. Yes, you let him do it... Now, you know... What has changed? |
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Post by beachguy on Jun 21, 2017 16:38:22 GMT -5
Yes, to the extent that you stay in the relationship and therefore you enable and condone his behavior. Sorry if it sounds harsh but I'm not sure how to sugar coat this.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 21, 2017 16:54:24 GMT -5
but how do I condone it? I've cried, confronted him about it, done all sorts of things. Short of murder or something else, what could I really do to stop him?
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Post by beachguy on Jun 21, 2017 16:58:42 GMT -5
but how do I condone it? I've cried, confronted him about it, done all sorts of things. Short of murder or something else, what could I really do to stop him? Leave him. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 21, 2017 17:03:15 GMT -5
Easier said than done. Especially when you're married to someone who's always 3 steps ahead of you. And I'm afraid to lose my children.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 21, 2017 17:06:28 GMT -5
Easy or hard, no one here ever figured out how to turn around these deals, Especially one as dysfunctional as yours. That leaves only one option. Leave.
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Post by beachguy on Jun 21, 2017 17:22:07 GMT -5
Of course I'll defer to anyone with a proven solution that doesn't involve leaving
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 21, 2017 17:55:34 GMT -5
It's too bad honor killings don't extend to the man as well.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2017 18:19:20 GMT -5
You let him get away with ALL of it -- his blatant disrespect and expressed dislike of you and the children you and he created, his cheating, his expressing bigotry toward people of your race, his allowing people to move into your house without asking you, his leaving town without telling you where he's going; his blaming you for his own lack of what he deems sufficient religious ferver.
You let him get away with these things by choosing to stay with him even though it's clear that at best, he dislikes you.
Your husband seems dangerous and loathsome. I do not understand why your complaint is that he will not have sex with you. I do not know how you could be sexually attracted to such a vile person.
From what you have described, yes, it would be difficult to leave him. What baffles me, however, is that you do not seem to be trying to make any plan -- even a longterm one to leave him. Instead, you complain that he won't fuck you. That's a trivial problem compared to the powderkeg you're living in.
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2017 20:42:55 GMT -5
Of course we "let them do it".
There's nothing to be gained by bitching about what a dud spouse does and / or doesn't do.
That is not a matter under our control.
What is under our control is whether we stay in the environment or no
We "let them do it" by the simple expedience of staying with them.
They can't do it to you if you ain't there.
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Post by Dan on Jun 21, 2017 21:24:08 GMT -5
Yes, to the extent that you stay in the relationship and therefore you enable and condone his behavior. Sorry if it sounds harsh but I'm not sure how to sugar coat this. I'm kind of with darktippedrose on this: true, she's choosing to stay. But she is quite clearly NOT condoning the behavior. She is being crystal clear that it is "not OK". That she is powerless to stop her H from seeing others is NOT the same as condoning. If a crazy person across the street yelled to me: "is it OK if I start shooting people?", and I yelled "NO!" and immediately called the police, then he starts shooting people... you CAN'T say that I condoned this behavior. I was just powerless to help it. I think that is an apt analogy to DTR's situation. Of course we "let them do it". ... We "let them do it" by the simple expedience of staying with them. Again, I disagree. That DTR doesn't leave the marriage is NOT the same as condoning the behavior either. After all, leaving 1) would negatively affects her (in her estimation), and 2) probably won't stop the behavior! I mean, if she leaves, won't he still probably mess around? So if that action of hers either way doesn't change his behavior... why is one choice "condoning" and the other "not condoning"? |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2017 22:17:39 GMT -5
I was told recently by a man that I'm letting my husband get away with it and might as well invite women for him to have sex with My aunt has also said something similar to this I've confronted my husband, and sometimes, I almost feel like he's telling the truth. I know he's not, thus me being a little crazy and confused sometimes. Do we, the refused, LET them refuse us. Do the refused LET the refusers refuse and cheat? Even if you confront them? Do we let them get away with it? I could cry my eyes out and my husband still wouldn't sway how he feels. Or what he does. anyways, I would love to know. You know what he's doing. You've confronted him. He lies about obvious facts. He knows you know this. You are both living the lie. This enables and encourages more bad behavior. You are "fully informed" and he knows it, yet there are no real consequences to his behavior. Therefore, despite what you say / scream / plead... your lack of action says it's acceptable. He needs only tolerate your contempt and he can do whatever he wants. I suspect nothing you could do would be impactful to him - except divorcing, because the legal system is much more powerful than you are. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 21, 2017 22:42:55 GMT -5
Of course I'll defer to anyone with a proven solution that doesn't involve leaving Ricin |
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Post by baza on Jun 22, 2017 0:26:05 GMT -5
The leaving option is fraught with difficulty, both emotionally and logistically.
It is probably one of the hardest things you can take on in your life.
It is disruptive, unsettling, painful, worrying (and in some cases among the membership - dangerous).
It is altogether, an absolute shit.
However, in the real life world of choice and consequence, you don't get a pass just because one of the choices is difficult, hard, unsettling, painful, worrying (and in some cases among the membership - dangerous)
No-one gets a pass on choice.
No-one.
That, is the cold hard truth.
I wish it was not so for the members of our group.
But it IS so.
You don't get to "sit this one out".
If you will not choose, then the default (or status quo) continues, and you will wear the consequences of that as surely as if you had sat down and soberly and objectively chosen it yourself. In effect you HAVE chosen it yourself.
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