|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 21, 2017 8:08:17 GMT -5
I think you are still in love with your husband. I think you love your husband. It's all the same. What's more important is if he feels the same. To still be in love with him, he must be doing something right though for you not to talk shit about him here. You're right lwoetin . I love him very much. That's probably what makes this exceptionally hard. Do you love him 100% the way he is right now? We know the answer to this, or you wouldn't be on this forum. Are there things about him that you love 100% and other things about him that are 0% Sure, we all know there are good and bad about all of us. We go into marriage excepting someone, warts and all. Then there are those of us who went into marriage with the mentality " I can help this person". Or later discover these things about the person, and then have to deal with the gas-lighting, the love bombing, the re-set, etc.. (part of the seeing the red flags and ignoring it concept). Perhaps there are certain qualities about him that you will always love 100%. Nothing wrong with that. One of the hardest things is stepping back, and considering what you need, what you desire, what you deserve, and expect from a husband. What % of that does he offer? What % of those qualities do you LOVE. Are you willing and going to be able to live with that 5, 10, more years from now? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 10:48:38 GMT -5
In one of bballgirl 's always helpful responses, she asked me if I was still attracted to my H and if I was still in love with him. The first question was easy to answer - yes I still find him attractive. But the second one gave me pause. I responded by saying that I certainly still love H but that I no longer know how to distinguish between loving him and being in love with him. I wondered if it's even possible to still be in love with someone who does not desire you. As for me, I still desire sex and intimacy with him - is that the definition of being in love? I'm hoping all you smart people can help me out with some understandable distinctions between loving a spouse and being IN love with them because I just can't see it clearly anymore. Don't be one of those people that uses that old cliche "I love you but I am not in love with you" I think that statement is used by people to justify bad behavior. There is nothing wrong in admitting your love your spouse and most of us still do. One thing that happens is we get bogged down in the small stuff that way we don't have to look at the big picture. |
|
|
|
Post by novembercomingfire on Jun 21, 2017 10:58:46 GMT -5
Love my spouse, yes, and i can understand this by experience and as a concept. But i am not sure i get even the concept of being in love with anyone. If this means being ready and willing to do all manner of irrational and seemingly unreasonable acts as a result of the way that you feel about someone, especially overlooking that someone's selfserving flaws and accepting that someone's poor treatment or abuse, then i think i would happily do without.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2017 12:13:33 GMT -5
In one of bballgirl 's always helpful responses, she asked me if I was still attracted to my H and if I was still in love with him. The first question was easy to answer - yes I still find him attractive. But the second one gave me pause. I responded by saying that I certainly still love H but that I no longer know how to distinguish between loving him and being in love with him. I wondered if it's even possible to still be in love with someone who does not desire you. As for me, I still desire sex and intimacy with him - is that the definition of being in love? I'm hoping all you smart people can help me out with some understandable distinctions between loving a spouse and being IN love with them because I just can't see it clearly anymore. Don't be one of those people that uses that old cliche "I love you but I am not in love with you" I think that statement is used by people to justify bad behavior. There is nothing wrong in admitting your love your spouse and most of us still do. One thing that happens is we get bogged down in the small stuff that way we don't have to look at the big picture. I said that cliche to my ex at the end. I guess it's more like "I love you but I don't desire you anymore because of years of rejection". I do still love my ex. It's sad that we weren't compatible. I think that falling in love is something that comes with trust and comfort and that's hard to come by nowadays. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Jun 21, 2017 12:37:58 GMT -5
I think you are still in love with your husband. I think you love your husband. It's all the same. What's more important is if he feels the same. To still be in love with him, he must be doing something right though for you not to talk shit about him here. You're right lwoetin . I love him very much. That's probably what makes this exceptionally hard. I do notice that when faced with truly losing a loved one, spouses do change. Otherwise everyone will be divorcing (which a minority of members, here and old EP ILIASM, report doing). I think you go as far as you can until you can't any longer. He will do the same, given his childhood abuse and other issues of not liking sex. If you both find common ground, then your marriage will survive. I don't believe in fairy tales where everything is perfect. We all accept our partners have some issues. Plenty of married couples around me who like being married, and not because it is perfect. But we expect our partners to care and make an effort in making us happy. You will find out what kind of spouse you have at a later (break point?) stage when you both work out your issues. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 14:34:07 GMT -5
I can't speak for you or answer the question for anyone but myself. For me the difference was when I no longer desired my H sexually that is when I was no longer in love. As well I outsourced and I could not outsource if I was still in love. I love him more like a brother. You sound a bit like me. One way that I know for sure I don't love a man (in the romantic/sexual sense) is that I do not want to have sex with him. If I no longer want to be sexual with a man, that's bad news for him if he wants to keep me around. OTOH, if somebody I want would want me enough to make a commitment, I can be faithful and be a very good partner. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2017 14:36:10 GMT -5
I can't speak for you or answer the question for anyone but myself. For me the difference was when I no longer desired my H sexually that is when I was no longer in love. As well I outsourced and I could not outsource if I was still in love. I love him more like a brother. You sound a bit like me. One way that I know for sure I don't love a man (in the romantic/sexual sense) is that I do not want to have sex with him. If I no longer want to be sexual with a man, that's bad news for him if he wants to keep me around. OTOH, if somebody I want would want me enough to make a commitment, I can be faithful and be a very good partner. Same here. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2017 19:17:25 GMT -5
choosinghappy, I think too few factors are being considered here. Loving (caring deeply for) someone, and being in love with (desiring) someone are not the only criteria for success. Consider "compatibility". You could imagine many scenarios where love and desire might be there, but other forces of life dictate incompatibility. It's disappointing and it fails to meet expectations, but that's probably because expectations were wrong to begin with.
|
|
|
|
Post by allworkandnoplay on Jun 25, 2017 0:45:29 GMT -5
I think that using some of these terms without standard definitions is difficult to deal with. What does being "in love" really mean? To a refusing or LL spouse, they could believe they are totally in love, but that may not equate to sex. The refused spouse could then logically argue (and I have read this so many times here) that if they are refusing sex then they do not love you.
Does being "in love" refer to "romantic love"? If I recall correctly, "romantic love" lasts about 18 months - also known as the "honeymoon phase" (as a generalization). After that a deeper attachment forms.
Does "in love" refer to passion and desire or just a deep caring feeling?
Once again, perspective clouds the issue.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 25, 2017 1:14:59 GMT -5
Reckon I first heard this line on an old episode of "Bonanza" when Adam Cartwright was trying to get a root off the local School Ma'am, and his father Ben Cartwright looked enigmatically into the distance (in close up) and said - "Son, you are in love with love" in his deep rich authorative voice.
As I recall, despite his Dad's great statement, Adam still didn't get a root.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jul 1, 2017 10:31:21 GMT -5
One more thing that needs to be said here and probably overrides the original question...
Sometimes love is not enough. After another 5-10-20-30 years of total celibacy you may come to understand that.
|
|
