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Post by bran127 on Jun 17, 2017 1:39:03 GMT -5
I have had a change of heart, and I realize that I have lost my fearlessness some where along on my journey in life. Wtf happened to my courage? How did I lose control and let someone else take the wheel? When I started (look at my first posts)!i was defeated and hurt. I was ready to outsource because I was fucking pissed. He was the dickhead and I wasn't. What happened to my courage? To stand up for myself and demand better. Where did I lose myself along the way? I am not totally against outsourcing, but I am not sure it is right for me anymore. I think I need my fearlessness back so I can take it all head on. Deal with my choices and allow myself to be vulnerable again. There is some sort of authenticity in vulnerability. I want my authenticity back. Outsourcing could help or hurt my journey, but it's up to me. #deepthoughtsbybran127
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Post by baza on Jun 17, 2017 2:10:16 GMT -5
I think that cheating is the hardest of the 3 choices to bring off successfully. To keep all those plates spinning you really need to be at your best and fully prepped (and even then things can go horribly wrong). Then, there's where you are - in an ILIASM shithole - an environment guaranteed to trash your self esteem and get you making uniformed choices. In other words, far from your best, and usually not prepped at all. Thinking it through (as you obviously are Sister bran127 ) is smart. Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you would also be smart, and add to your knowledge base. |
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Post by bran127 on Jun 17, 2017 2:25:28 GMT -5
I think that cheating is the hardest of the 3 choices to bring off successfully. To keep all those plates spinning you really need to be at your best and fully prepped (and even then things can go horribly wrong). Then, there's where you are - in an ILIASM shithole - an environment guaranteed to trash your self esteem and get you making uniformed choices. In other words, far from your best, and usually not prepped at all. Thinking it through (as you obviously are Sister bran127 ) is smart. Seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you would also be smart, and add to your knowledge base. [br Bro baza I can thank you for many of my #deepthoughtsbybran127. If I am being authentic, cheating isn't for me. If I am pissed and ready to punch a penis, probably not very authentic, at least for me now that I am beginning to understand my emotions. Hey, I still have my moments, the fog is beginning to clear. Amazing! Bro baza you have helped me more than you will ever know. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jun 17, 2017 6:29:37 GMT -5
Just be careful .
My penis will punch back .
Also, there is a big difference between wanting a 98.6 vibrator and an affair partner or boyfriend .
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2017 6:49:18 GMT -5
We need a new word for what everyone is calling a cheater.
Cheating is what you do when you break a deal.
In English common law, if I have a contract to receive a service for a fee, then the provider refuses to provide that service, I am entitled to seek out another provider because the first has cheated me out of that service.
The outsourcer in a marriage is not always the cheater. Sometimes the cheater is the withholder, and withholds with significant financial payoffs.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 17, 2017 7:10:00 GMT -5
I have had a change of heart, and I realize that I have lost my fearlessness some where along on my journey in life. Wtf happened to my courage? How did I lose control and let someone else take the wheel? When I started (look at my first posts)!i was defeated and hurt. I was ready to outsource because I was fucking pissed. He was the dickhead and I wasn't. What happened to my courage? To stand up for myself and demand better. Where did I lose myself along the way? I am not totally against outsourcing, but I am not sure it is right for me anymore. I think I need my fearlessness back so I can take it all head on. Deal with my choices and allow myself to be vulnerable again. There is some sort of authenticity in vulnerability. I want my authenticity back. Outsourcing could help or hurt my journey, but it's up to me. #deepthoughtsbybran127 You did not have courage early on. You had anger. It may have felt the same but anger passes quickly. In its wake, it is replaced by fear. When you are in the emotional blender it is so easy to mistake one emotion for another. And it is also as confusing as all fuck when the whiplash hits you. If you truly want to take action you don't need emotions to fortify you. You need resolve. And that is something that takes time. If you want to outsource or leave (or hell even stay and try to work things out), you need a resolve that you feel in the marrow of you bones. All of these are long term changes and should not be made from short term emotion (anger, fear, courage, etc...) |
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Post by baza on Jun 17, 2017 7:20:00 GMT -5
Cheat. Cheater. Cheating. Short, and to the point. Works for me, but I don't ascribe any morality to it. It is a matter of choice, not morality. And you are right Brother ironhamster - "it is what you do when you break a deal". A ratshit deal. Made null and by void by Spouse A's witholding choice, confirmed as null and void by spouse B's choice to paint outside the marital lines. Both cheaters. Both exercising their right of choice. We could try "chooser". Spouse A chooses to take sex off the table. Spouse B chooses to paint outside the marital lines - or to divorce. Neither of these choices is any better (or worse) than the other. In any event, in an ILIASM shithole situation, there is no point in apportioning blame, no point in establishing who was right or wrong, or who is refused or refuser, or for that matter who is cheater or cheated. It does not help bring the situation to resolution in any way. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2017 7:53:19 GMT -5
I know that, whenever the issue of sex outside marriage comes up, it is always the outsourcer that is blamed, and called derogatory terms like "cheater". I reserve my right to choose my own terms and call out the mudsingers for what they are.
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Post by baza on Jun 17, 2017 8:04:52 GMT -5
Probably pointless to get into semantics Brother ironhamster but in this scenario - - - Scenario #1 Spouse A chooses to root someone outside the marriage. Spouse B finds out and in retaliation shuts down the sex. Spouse A then retaliates and chooses to keep rooting that person outside the marriage. Scenario #2 Spouse B chooses to shut down the sex. Spouse A chooses to root someone outside the marriage. To me, it is irrelevant as to "who started it". In the above example #1 it is spouse A who starts it. Does that make him / her a worse (or better) person than B ? In the scenario #2 it is spouse B who starts it. Does that make him / her a worse (or better) person than A ? I'm just not seeing anyone in the "wrong" (or "right") in the above theoreticals. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 17, 2017 8:25:37 GMT -5
I do see wrongs and rights. There might be reasons for shutting down sex. I think childbirth is a valid one. There is a lot of trauma in that, and taking care of the newborn can be exhausting. Just one example where I do not think outsourcing is warranted.
In my case, her withholding is a flagrant violation of our contract.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 17, 2017 8:36:50 GMT -5
I have had a change of heart, and I realize that I have lost my fearlessness some where along on my journey in life. Wtf happened to my courage? How did I lose control and let someone else take the wheel? When I started (look at my first posts)!i was defeated and hurt. I was ready to outsource because I was fucking pissed. He was the dickhead and I wasn't. What happened to my courage? To stand up for myself and demand better. Where did I lose myself along the way? I am not totally against outsourcing, but I am not sure it is right for me anymore. I think I need my fearlessness back so I can take it all head on. Deal with my choices and allow myself to be vulnerable again. There is some sort of authenticity in vulnerability. I want my authenticity back. Outsourcing could help or hurt my journey, but it's up to me. #deepthoughtsbybran127 Call it cheating, or outsourcing or "having an affair" - what ever you like - you are fucking someone other than your spouse.
I do it on a regular basis. It's not easy. It's not what I signed up for when we got married.
Will the sex life I enjoyed with my wife ever come back - no.
To stay within the parameters of your marriage agreement or not, is usually a no brainer, until one spouse makes a unilateral decision to renege on the deal.
So, now what - is it a lack of courage to decide not to cheat? No ma'am, you ARE being authentic. I do not encourage or discourage cheating - it is your choice. Just understand the real reasons behind that choice. Your courage will come into play when and if you make an ultimatum or simply chose to get out. Nothing will change until you change it.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2017 9:37:56 GMT -5
Individual therapy and/or talking to supportive friends (including posting here) can help you stay on path. People like that can help you recall what you've said about the problems in your relationship. They also can help you navigate the twists and turns of disengaging from your marriage.
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Post by rdp62 on Jun 17, 2017 13:45:33 GMT -5
Great subject. This site helped me find mine. If we need to change we have to make it happen and that can take a huge risk but as I thought about it I realized the alternatives were both much better than the current situation for both of us.
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