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Post by northstarmom on Jun 14, 2017 20:31:46 GMT -5
Reposting the below at the request of a person who said it deserved its own thread.One tip: I do NOT suggest telling a prospective lover about how your marriage was sexless and how long it had been sexless. If you are a woman, I believe most guys would think that you'll be easy pickings, and may treat you like that (just like some guys think that recently divorced women will be desperate for sex with them). One tip: I do NOT suggest telling a prospective lover about how your marriage was sexless and how long it had been sexless. If you are a woman, I believe most guys would think that you'll be easy pickings, and may treat you like that (just like some guys think that recently divorced women will be desperate for sex with them). Prospective partners of either gender also might naively wonder what's wrong with you that your spouse wouldn't have sex with you. After they know you better -- including in bed -- they could realize that something was wrong with your partner. But, for most people, sex is so natural and expected in a marriage, that they really would wonder what could possibly be so awful about you that caused your partner to reject you. That's reason to delay telling them until they've experienced you sexually and otherwise also know you well. When I told my partner months after we'd started having sex, his response was, "What's wrong with your ex?"  A few months ago, a guy posted here that he had been engaging in increasingly sexy chatting with a woman on-line. From what he indicated, the woman wasn't someone he met here. They finally decided to meet in person. He decided to warn her that due to his having been in a SM, he might flinch when she touched him, and he might have other difficulties with physical intimacy. The woman ghosted him. I wasn't surprised. Someone looking for a hook-up isn't looking to have to be their lover's sex counselor. They want hot and reliable sex. Obviously, this advice would not apply to people who meet on a site like this, however. But, while I know that there are enduring, happy couples like Baz and Ms Enna who met in a sexless marriage forum, in general, I don't think it's a good idea for those who have left their SM to look for a partner who has had a similar experience. First, I don't think it's a good idea to look for someone to heal you sexually unless that someone is a therapist. Most of the healing that's involved depends on changing your own view of yourself and of the importance of sex. FWIW, there's no indication that Baz or Enna were looking for someone to fix them when they became intimate. They'd both been working very hard on healing themselves. Also, a person who has been in a SM is likely to lack confidence, may have very rusty sexual skills (such as having anxiety-related ED) and may have other problems related to physical and emotional intimacy. They also may have forgotten or never have learned what it's like to be in a normal romance that includes sex. Having a partner with similar concerns may make the sex and intimacy more difficult to achieve than if they are with a person who isn't trying to heal from years of rejection. Being with a man who hadn't been in a SM is how I learned how to laugh with joy while having sex, to be assertive about asking for sex, and to be casually, unabashedly naked with my lover. His comfort with his own sexuality and needs and his delight in my expressing mine was what helped me to blossom sexually after being stifled for so long. |
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Post by baza on Jun 14, 2017 22:44:10 GMT -5
I'd like to offer up something here, but a disclaimer first, that being that I knew Ms enna had been in an ILIASM shithole from the get go (and vice versa) so the point about telling a new partner about ones sexless marriage is moot in my situation.
However, I think this comes under the broad heading of how much of your sexual history you divulge generally.
For example, would you really want to know exactly how many people the prospect had slept with prior to you ?
Would you really want to know what particular acts they got up to with these people ?
And, in reverse. Would the prospect really want to know about your past rooting escapades, chapter and verse ?
For me, the answer is no.
In the broadest of terms I know that Ms enna has had a great deal more rooting partners numerically than me.
And you might figure that as an experienced rooter that she is an absolutely brilliant lover (and you'd be right !!)
You might figure that as the less experienced party, I might need a bit of instruction ! (that hasn't been the case so far but I am always up for suggestions)
When we get at it, nothing else, no-one else, counts.
The past is irrelevant.
"Past players" (good or bad) are irrelevant.
Now my life with Ms enna is like a sexy pair of panties - pretty transparent - and we talk about all sorts of shit. Sometimes about people from our past, but rarely at any depth or detail.
Our respective sexual histories are pretty much a complete non-event.
Whereas our current sexual life is a matter of great importance to us.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 14, 2017 23:58:27 GMT -5
I don't think it is important to tell a new partner, but a longer-term partner, I think it is important. Just like revealing past sexual abuse, alcoholism, ect, a SM is something that will be with you mentally and your long term partner needs to know some of your reactions will be because of the SM.
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 15, 2017 15:40:57 GMT -5
When I was looking for a friend with benefits, I did tell about the sexless marriage. I agree that it makes men think they have found an easy target, but it has advantages to tell as well. My husband was the only one I had sex with before and the last time before outsourcing was nearly 14 years ago. So I was very inexperienced en unsure about it. I thought that there were probably men who wouldn't want that and others who might like the idea of re-introducing me to the world of sex I did find someone who liked that but even so I had to repeatedly make clear that I didn't know a lot from experience. Men always ask on these dating sites what kind of things you like. I couldn't really answer that because I simply didn't know. |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 15, 2017 15:45:54 GMT -5
I don't think it is important to tell a new partner, but a longer-term partner, I think it is important. Just like revealing past sexual abuse, alcoholism, ect, a SM is something that will be with you mentally and your long term partner needs to know some of your reactions will be because of the SM. I agree with hopingforachange, though I have to have the same disclaimer as Baz. My partner and myself are from a SM relationship, so it's kind of a moot point for us.
But I think any long term relationship has to have complete open and honest communication. That would include being in a SM. It's going to come up, it is with you mentally (has been with me) and your long term prospective partner needs to know so any adverse reactions in the current relationship isn't coming from them. Telling them where it's coming from, what you're doing to heal from it, and asking for them to help, is not only helpful, I'd think it's a good measure of their care for you.
Up front? No. Later, when things get serious? Yep.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 16, 2017 9:12:19 GMT -5
I had posted earlier that I like this post, a lot! I agree with it 50% The other 50% is filled with un-known fear, inexperience, and questions.
My here and now tells me, that I need someone who can relate, who has been there. Meanwhile I realize offering myself as I am right now to another woman is not a very marketable item, a very pretty package, however you want to sum it up.
Hi , I'm Great Coastal. I'm 11 months into my divorce, I'm un-employed, I am a landlord, I own three houses, I have 6 teens, my world is getting ready to be turned upside down, I lived in a loveless sexless marriage with a manipulative controller for 25 yrs. Over 14 yrs of a SM.
I would run the other way from me! Then again in my Divorce Recovery class I presented myself that way, and found it way easier to talk with other woman who openly told me, " I haven't had sex in ten years, my husband is a refuser".
How much of this has to do with the "recovery" portion? A year or two to get my act back together again.
Imagine a year from now. Hi I'm Great Coastal, I'm divorced, I drive for Fed EX, I'm also a landlord, I own three houses, I am working on my 4th. 3 of my kids are in school right now, I see them every other other week. I have the house to myself. I have long weekends to go places.
Meanwhile there's that strong yearning to have that sexual need filled again. To put to rest the questions and fears of "am I worthy of sex and intimacy?" How weird,difficult, and nervous will I be with someone new after all these years?
Wouldn't I feel safer with someone who's been in the same situation? Compared to someone who's not experienced such a thing?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 16, 2017 10:07:32 GMT -5
When I had sex for the first time in 8 years after being married for more than 30 years to a man who was passive and a refuser, I didnt want a partner who would have to relearn what sex was like. I didn't want a partner who was in fear of ed or being rejected. I didn't want s partner whom I would have to guard my words and actions so as not to reawaken trauma related to his sm.
I had my own fears and anxieties to cope with. Also, my own sexual fantasies have never been about guiding an inexperienced or shy man into having passionate sex. My fantasies have been about a confident, experienced man sweeping me away. And that is what I got: a man who confidently stripped both of us, took unabashed joy in pleasing both of us, told me and showed me what he liked and took the time to figure out what turned me on, something I didn't know due to my not having had a really interested partner for decades. I was even afraid to touch his dick because doung that would cause my refuser to shy away or prematurely ejaculate.
I have been able to blossom into my full sensuality and sexuality because of finally having a partner who had had lots of great sex, had confidence in himself, and enjoyed, respected and appreciated women who love sex.
If I had chosen to have sex with a man who had had a sm I would have been concerned that my own love of sex would frighten him or cause him to think badly of me. I'd fear that he had chosen or stayed so long with a cold fish because he thought that frigid women were good for marriage, love and childbearing while sexual women were good for playthings.
I am sure that many women who were in sm do NOT share my perspective and therefore might be more comfortable with s man whose marriage mirrored theirs. That would not have worked for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 16, 2017 10:35:53 GMT -5
Thanks very, very much northstarmom for your input, truly! I am not debating or disagreeing with any of what you say, I am just throwing out thoughts.
You brought your fears and anxieties to the table looking for someone without any. That sounds like taking, and not to much giving. It also sounds like you did/do have a lot to give, and that took little time to happen.
I also see that happening between two givers who have been married for years to a taker. People stay locked in a marriage for decades due to the children, finances, commitment, etc...
I came to my manipulative controlling wife with a background of experience and a strong desire to GIVE that to her. Fully expecting fair and equal return. That never happened.
Now the question is , "will it be like riding a bike?" Am I going to just join a meetup group that does 20 mile sprints every weekend, just because I did that 20 yrs ago? Or do I need someone who wants to go riding casually around the neighborhood every evening? ( Not sure if that's a great analogy?)
I believe I am going to have a love of sex that might frighten someone away. Perhaps more reason to find someone who has been starved too. So as a man who lived a SM it had nothing to do with frigid women were good for a marriage. Instead it was "hoping for things to get better, when the kids get older, etc..." Then the FOG lifted exposing that the day will never happen.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 16, 2017 10:49:06 GMT -5
Fwiw one of my friends was a sex loving 70-year-old widow of about 10 years when she decided to look for a husband on eharmony. She had been having an affair with great sex with a married man 12 years younger but decided she was ready for marriage again. Her marriage had been happy and sex filled with a man 20 years older who happily had sex with her until he became bedridden. She loved him dearly and tenderly and faithfully had nursed him for several years until he died. Anyway, she connected on eharmony with a widowed man her age. After a couple of dates, she invited him into her bed. He told her he wasn't sure his parts would work due to his having had no sex for about 6 years, when his late wife had taken ill. Anyway, my friend was patient and kind, and the man eventually could perform. They got married and last I heard, they were having sex at least weekly. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 16, 2017 11:02:42 GMT -5
Taking a slightly different tack... I imagine that a woman who has experienced SM would have a deeper appreciation for my desire to give pleasure, assign greater importance to intimacy in general, and perhaps be more self-aware as a result. But that's on the other side of the equation, and not really the question posed here.
Yes, I think you're likely to scare off someone who thinks you're damaged goods / will be too much work to rehabilitate. Then again, there are some who would see it as a fun challenge with a willing student.
Do I want hot monkey sex 5 days a week with extra kink on the weekends? Who knows, but I'm pretty sure that's not gonna be my speed coming out the chute, so not the expectation I'd set.
Personally, I would share about the SM dynamic, but it's sure as hell not my opening line or the way I identify myself. But if things progressed to a point, I expect I might offer a caveat, a la "I'm very into you, but I'm still getting back on the horse so don't take it wrong if I seem awkward".
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 16, 2017 11:04:01 GMT -5
I hope this is relative to the discussion. I also met another woman at my Divorce Recovery. She's ten years older than me. She's a retired school teacher, a grandmother. We discussed my daughters learning disabilities. The conversation quickly turned to my STBX's controlling behavior about home school. This lady would end every sentence I had with, "sounds like your wife wants full control, she's a controller, Oh yea, I've been there, I've seen those, she wants full control, your thoughts, ideas, wants, meant nothing she needs full control".
Well..... you can imagine how quickly my wall came down as I continued to speak with her. Fake or not, her understanding and seeing right through my W's behavior and giving much validity to my perspective was a huge lift. Without sex.
So I imagine what sex would be like with someone who also was dealing with a controller for years?
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 19, 2017 8:46:07 GMT -5
I'd like to offer up something here, but a disclaimer first, that being that I knew Ms enna had been in an ILIASM shithole from the get go (and vice versa) so the point about telling a new partner about ones sexless marriage is moot in my situation. However, I think this comes under the broad heading of how much of your sexual history you divulge generally. For example, would you really want to know exactly how many people the prospect had slept with prior to you ? Would you really want to know what particular acts they got up to with these people ? And, in reverse. Would the prospect really want to know about your past rooting escapades, chapter and verse ? For me, the answer is no. In the broadest of terms I know that Ms enna has had a great deal more rooting partners numerically than me. And you might figure that as an experienced rooter that she is an absolutely brilliant lover (and you'd be right !!) You might figure that as the less experienced party, I might need a bit of instruction ! (that hasn't been the case so far but I am always up for suggestions) When we get at it, nothing else, no-one else, counts. The past is irrelevant. "Past players" (good or bad) are irrelevant. Now my life with Ms enna is like a sexy pair of panties - pretty transparent - and we talk about all sorts of shit. Sometimes about people from our past, but rarely at any depth or detail. Our respective sexual histories are pretty much a complete non-event. Whereas our current sexual life is a matter of great importance to us. I made the mistake more then once of asking questions I did not want to know the answer to. All it ever does is cause problems. The less I know about the details of my partners sexual history the better. As long as they are clean and safe, that is what matters. |
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Post by WindSister on Jun 19, 2017 12:18:05 GMT -5
My husband knows of my past but not "details" of course. He knows I was sexless for TEN YEARS (oh that is so insane sounding to me now as I enjoy it 3-4 times a week, naturally, as it should be). He knows I experimented a bit after divorce and let my sexuality loose. He definitely never wanted details of that. But I like that he knows I had been through it and it was a big deal. It was a part of what made me who I am today.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2017 14:26:18 GMT -5
I haven't really got a set strategy for this. With the men I've met that I could have a good conversation with, I have told them that my ex had health problems which led him to misuse Rx painkillers. The more intelligent ones may be able to guess from that that our sex life wasn't great.
If I ever get to a point of feeling very comfortable with a man - very intimate on an emotional level - I'll probably tell him more. If, by some chance, I meet (and date) a man who is one of those people you can talk to about anything.
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