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Post by bran127 on Jun 14, 2017 19:34:23 GMT -5
Just curious how senior members such as baza, bballgirl, shamwow, flashjohn etc. felt when you all first joined. Were you all in despair as well when you first joined? Did you feel chewed up and spit out?Did this group help you grow and help make decisions about not only about yourself, but your relationship as well? Did you post the same things as the newbies post? This may be a naive question, but I'm curious. The advice is amazing here and I am just interested in knowing how you have grown since joining.
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Post by baza on Jun 14, 2017 21:21:30 GMT -5
In about 2005, I realised my marriage was a complete fuck up and had morphed in to a *Financial Partnership".
And I was OK with that, sort of kinda !!
I joined the old EP ILIASM group in Feb 2009.
The very first story I put up there was a half smart arse offering, suggesting that people ought to adopt my *Financial Partner* view and pretty much treat their spouse as irrelevant.
(FWIW, I still think this course of action has some value in some cases).
I certainly did NOT feel - "in despair" "chewed up and spat out" at the time I joined.
"Did this group help you grow ?"
Yes. HUGELY. This group, and my involvement in a 12 step self help group were absolute game changers for me. My thinking was challenged, my core beliefs were challenged and I was told some harsh home truths.
FWIW I believe that this group NOW is still a major factor in my journey of self improvement.
There are some amazingly insightful things people bring to the discussions and as often as not they come from newbies - NOT just veterans.
I think that without this group, I *probably* still would eventually have left my ILIASM deal but it likely would have taken years more.
This group helped me get out - in October 2009 - and from then on, my life took off like a rocket.
The biggest thing I have gotten out of it is, that life is all about our choices.
It has also taught me that choice is an absolute bitch.
And has also taught me that no-one gets a pass on that immutable life law of choice.
You / me / anyone does not get to "sit this one out".
YOU choose, or someone else will choose for you - and they will be choosing in their own interests, not yours.
I owe heaps to this group.
Addendum, I just recalled the name of that story I posted on EP referred to above. It was called "Recognise Reality".
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 14, 2017 21:27:50 GMT -5
I joined in 2013 and I was extremely depressed.
My first story was June 2014, the comments were tough for me to read. I thought people were being harsh. In reality the group saved my life. I am so thankful I found EP.
It's a process to go through once the fog lifts and you realize that your marriage is not normal and you have been taken advantage of.
It's still a process and I'm out of my marriage.
My head knows I'm better off being out of the marriage but my heart still hurts for the marriage that I wanted it to be. I'm still healing.
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Post by bran127 on Jun 14, 2017 21:33:41 GMT -5
In about 2005, I realised my marriage was a complete fuck up and had morphed in to a *Financial Partnership". And I was OK with that, sort of kinda !! I joined the old EP ILIASM group in Feb 2009. The very first story I put up there was a half smart arse offering, suggesting that people ought to adopt my *Financial Partner* view and pretty much treat their spouse as irrelevant. (FWIW, I still think this course of action has some value in some cases). I certainly did NOT feel - "in despair" "chewed up and spat out" at the time I joined. "Did this group help you grow ?" Yes. HUGELY. This group, and my involvement in a 12 step self help group were absolute game changers for me. My thinking was challenged, my core beliefs were challenged and I was told some harsh home truths. FWIW I believe that this group NOW is still a major factor in my journey of self improvement. There are some amazingly insightful things people bring to the discussions and as often as not they come from newbies - NOT just veterans. I think that without this group, I *probably* still would eventually have left my ILIASM deal but it likely would have taken years more. This group helped me get out - in October 2009 - and from then on, my life took off like a rocket. The biggest thing I have gotten out of it is, that life is all about our choices. It has also taught me that choice is an absolute bitch. And has also taught me that no-one gets a pass on that immutable life law of choice. You / me / anyone does not get to "sit this one out". YOU choose, or someone else will choose for you - and they will be choosing in their own interests, not yours. I owe heaps to this group. |
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Post by bran127 on Jun 14, 2017 21:42:56 GMT -5
Despair may have been a tad dramatic, but realizing the choices you have made is hard. Dude, I thought at first, some of the these people were fucking dicks, but as I read and see the truth, it all makes sense. I am totally choosing this life, and I CAN chose NOT to live it. The journey is in my hands. Tough to realize that
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Post by shamwow on Jun 14, 2017 22:17:56 GMT -5
Not sure how wise I am. I've only been here about 6 months. When I found this place I had already decided I was going to leave, but had not yet announced it to my wife.
I don't think I was in "despair" but WAS still trying to figure out where I went wrong. Chasing the reason why is a quixotic adventure at best.
I will say that the female members of the forum were the most helpful initially. My wife has undiagnosed and untreated "medical issues" that make sex impossible and painful. The ladies here helped confirm that her symptoms were bullshit. They helped me construct a fair and firm letter to my wife asking for divorce. And they helped me understand that there really are women out there who want a healthy relationship. When I got here that last point was I doubt. I owe several of them debts of gratitude I can probably never repay.
But it has certainly been educational reading everyone's stories and knowing I am not alone.
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Post by bran127 on Jun 14, 2017 22:50:36 GMT -5
"Chasing the reason" is super hard and I now realize it is the most destructive, at least for me. but I think the numero uno thing I have realized is that it is a choice. I never thought of it as choosing to live like this. Shit, I just looked at it as HIM choosing to live like this. It was never my choice, he made this decision. Well holy fuck was I wrong! I AM choosing to live in this shit. It's a fucking awaking for me. I can thank you gracious and honest people for that. I have a sincerely new perspective. Crazy!
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Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2017 5:13:57 GMT -5
"Chasing the reason" is super hard and I now realize it is the most destructive, at least for me. but I think the numero uno thing I have realized is that it is a choice. I never thought of it as choosing to live like this. Shit, I just looked at it as HIM choosing to live like this. It was never my choice, he made this decision. Well holy fuck was I wrong! I AM choosing to live in this shit. It's a fucking awaking for me. I can thank you gracious and honest people for that. I have a sincerely new perspective. Crazy! If I had to put my finger on a turning point is was when I realized that I was at least a co-conspirator in my SM shithole. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jun 15, 2017 9:00:17 GMT -5
Just curious how senior members such as baza, bballgirl, shamwow, flashjohn etc. felt when you all first joined. Were you all in despair as well when you first joined? Did you feel chewed up and spit out?Did this group help you grow and help make decisions about not only about yourself, but your relationship as well? Did you post the same things as the newbies post? This may be a naive question, but I'm curious. The advice is amazing here and I am just interested in knowing how you have grown since joining. I found EP in the very beginning of 2015. I was certainly in despair and absolutely felt chewed up and spit out. I lurked on the site for about a month and then one day I decided to share a story of how I broke down in tears the night before over the 10 years of sexless marriage that started on the honeymoon. I got a lot of very strong replies with hard truths. Basically, the message was "this won't get better, you can cheat, leave, or grin and bear it.". It was a hard pill to swallow. I chose to ignore the advice and at least try to turn things around. So try I did. I started doing all the romantic stuff. Tried being the perfect father. Tried being the perfect husband. Tried talking to her about it. Read books. Everything i tried blew up in my face. Then one night, after my wife snuck off to bed to fall asleep quickly before I could even have the chance to initiate sex, I sat on my couch alone and broke down in tears again. I realized that the people on EP were right. This wasn't going to get better. I decided then and there to leave. So I started making plans. I stopped trying. I told her I was leaving after she grilled me about it. Then... and only then... did things change. It took a threat of divorce to get her to even try to do anything about it. We had more sex in 2015 than I had in my whole marriage. I stayed. Mostly because I didn't feel right leaving if she was trying. ...but man did I still want to leave... bad. I hung in there to see where this would lead. After a while, I started to actually genuinely want to stay. Things settled out. I was genuinely happy. 2+ years later, to the present day, we are now back to a sexless situation. It appears that we may be on the edge of what I see as another chasm. We shall see what happens. I'm glad I stayed for as long as I did. I learned a boat load through the last 2 years. I gave her a second chance. I can feel good about myself for that. If things truly go south again, then I should have a clearer conscience about leaving. I still believe that things won't truly get better. The best I can hope for in this situation is something that is good enough to get me through. "Good enough" is tough to define somedays though. This site and the EP site short circuited a lot of things for me. Had they not delivered the harsh truths to me from the onset, id possibly still be running in circles trying to find the magic formula that doesn't exist. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2017 11:20:23 GMT -5
bran127 I think that I had already moved out when I started posting on EP. When EP was shutting down, I followed the link to this site & really liked the people here. Everyone seemed so open and accepting. I do have to tell you. I went through years of trying and trying to figure out why my refuser acted like she did. I researched all the possible reasons, I talked to pastors & professionals, trying to figure out what could be done to change my refuser's mindset. It never made any difference. I don't remember where I read this, but it really made sense to me. "Nothing will change until you stop trying to figure out why your refuser acts this way and instead, start trying to figure out why you are accepting it." This hit me like a ton of bricks. The only reason that my refuser could treat me like this was because I was letting her. If I didn't like being abused, it was my fault for allowing it. She told me by her actions of 28 years that she was NOT going to stop, and the only way I could stop being abused was to remove myself. Like Mr. Miagi said in Karate Kid 2, the best way to avoid being hit is to not be there. I worried about the opinions of friends and family, but it didn't really matter what they thought because none of them had to live with a cruel, abusive, sexually unfaithful wife. My daughters were upset but both of them know that their mother is extremely difficult to deal with. As it turns out, my brother and sister both told me that it was about time. Some of my church friends have been a bit judgmental, but all I have to to is refer them to my brother or sister-in-law, and they will let them know in no uncertain terms that a divorce is long overdue. My sister, who lives in another town, is very supportive of me and any new relationship I may pursue. She is also very close to my daughters, who have no problem talking to her. Sorry for the long post.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 16, 2017 16:55:36 GMT -5
I started lurking in 2008, joined EP and began posting in early 2009. As a member of the Class of 2009 (those of us who exited pretty near to the same time), I can tell you that we all sounded like a big bunch of crying ninnies when we first joined. I say this with love as I think it is a stage that most of the refused must endure. There is the constant questioning of why, the many inquiries into whether the refuser is gay, asexual, having an affair, and more simply because those seem like easier things to hear than a simple statement that my partner isn't interested in me.
Through discussion and sharing of some key information on narcissists, self worth, and other valuable topics, we collectively came to a place where we realized it always boils down to the bottom line: stay, leave, or outsource. There are a great many factors that can influence the decision, many of which are very painful and complex, but ultimately, you will come to a point where you feel you are about to boil over and a decision must be made. While there have also been a great many negative consequences with leaving (I lost primary custody of my children for three years.), most everyone who has left says that they feel it was the best solution despite any negative consequences.
Summary: yes, it is a long journey for everyone.
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