Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2017 10:19:56 GMT -5
"what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. This is a very inappropriate thing for him to ask you. Until he confronts his past, admits that it is holding him back, and makes major, consistent efforts to change, he does not know that he can't change. He is asking you what will happen if he can't change before he has even tried. IMHO, after 3 years of celibacy, it is time for him to get his ass in gear and start with therapy to fix his issues. If he will not even try, he is telling you that your needs, wants, and dreams don't matter to him. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 15, 2017 10:34:01 GMT -5
baza and snowman12345 - I have considered whether we need some separation. Honestly though, because of his work he is traveling internationally about 50% of the time so we are often separated. And things are easier when he's gone. Then when he comes home and we are together we don't know how to just "be" anymore. His business is such that he could fill every waking moment with work and so that is what he does when he's gone. We are so used to separation that I don't think another intended separation on my part would change anything. So, you like it better when he is not there... seems that being apart DOES help. He does everything he can to ignore the problems at home. What do these two items tell you? Perhaps you just don't want to take that next step yet. You are waiting for him to make the next move. Will he? Maybe a designated time apart - "I am taking some time away from us to think about where this relationship is going." will shake him up. Maybe not - but you will be showing him that you will not accept things as they are anymore. He would not be the first one to lose a relationship due to being a workaholic. He uses that as an excuse to avoid you. He is teaching you how to live without him. Good luck to you.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 15, 2017 11:32:39 GMT -5
Well that's true love right there! I'm sorry but that's never an ok answer. I do agree that is not an ok answer. He did come back down to talk about 45 mins later and we had a good open conversation. Basically it boiled down to him agreeing that this is causing a disintegration of our marriage and really the only way it could possibly get better is for him to go back to therapy and confront his past. He admitted he's scared to do that and cried, saying "what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. A major problem is that he completely shuts off his emotional side. He has a very high powered fast-paced job which is 24/7 and so he's always in management-mode. That leaves no option for intimacy of any kind. It is then feast or famine with emotion: he is either like a robot and we don't have a connection or he's like he was last night and is a vulnerable crying mess. He admits he needs to find a common ground. He also said he knows he's not making me happy any longer. In the end it was a good discussion and he knows the ball is in his court and that I want him to go back to therapy. Now I guess I just wait and see how important it is (how important I am) to him. I'm glad to hear that he stepped up and is acknowledging there is an issue. At the same time, there is a long road ahead of you. Best of luck navigating the road ahead. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 15, 2017 12:06:53 GMT -5
"what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. This is a very inappropriate thing for him to ask you. Until he confronts his past, admits that it is holding him back, and makes major, consistent efforts to change, he does not know that he can't change. He is asking you what will happen if he can't change before he has even tried. IMHO, after 3 years of celibacy, it is time for him to get his ass in gear and start with therapy to fix his issues. If he will not even try, he is telling you that your needs, wants, and dreams don't matter to him. I agree with every point you have made. I do, however, what to clarify that in asking this question, he was more asking himself than me. I think he was identifying his fear of: what happens if therapy doesn't work and I can't make things get better? It wasn't with any kind of malicious intent, rather, more fear of our next steps. I think he is just as afraid as I am of the tough choices we have in front of us and the hard path. I really appreciate the candid response from you and from everyone. I know this is the truth that I need to face. For too long it has all just been in my head so I am so grateful to be able to talk with you all about it and receive the validation that no, this is not normal and yes, there is a problem that needs to be confronted. It's hard to be left now with trying to answer the question of what I am willing to deal with and NOT deal with as we move forward.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2017 13:19:35 GMT -5
I am sorry you find yourself here and about your situation. You have already been given a lot of wise advice by all the lovely members here.
My 2 cents would be to strongly encourage you to think of exit options. There is no harm in detailing a plan even if you do not intend to go through with it. What you don't want is to not be aware of your opportunities to exit. There are certain times when it is convenient and feasible to end relationships. Other times are less convenient. It is wise to be aware of it.
I say this because, based on what you have written and what I have seen, it is unfortunately highly unlikely your marriage will magically turn into a fulfilling one. I am sorry I say that but the statistics are heavily loaded against.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 15, 2017 15:38:14 GMT -5
I get what you're saying with him being away quite a bit with work - but that's separation down to his schedule, not yours and leaves you on tenterhooks. Go away yourself, under your own steam, on your schedule. Experience the difference. It is different, I promise you that.
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 21:23:22 GMT -5
"what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" - he asks. *If* that is what he discovered the truth to be, then that would be fantastic. He would then know exactly what he can and cannot bring to the marital table. The pressure would come right off him, and you. You wouldn't be 'wondering' 'speculating' or 'why chasing'. You'd both know the truth and could make a fully informed choice about your respective ways forward. And that, would be a great thing, for both Sister choosinghappy and your spouse. |
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Post by beachguy on Jun 15, 2017 22:10:33 GMT -5
If I understand the timeline you laid out, the collapse of your sex life was coincident with the birth of your child, 7 years into the relationship. Madonna-whore Complex? Just food for thought. And that might be in addition to other issues he had previously (refusing you enough to have been a concern to you).
I spent 30+ years in a sexless marriage. The HUGE mistake I made is not extrapolating my misery into the remainder of my life, not realizing that no matter how low I sunk I never hit rock bottom until I finally left. You're young, you don't have to piss away your life like I did. Think about it.
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meerin
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Post by meerin on Jun 17, 2017 18:20:42 GMT -5
It all boils down to him being ready and willing to face it and deal with it. You can't force him.
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Post by Dan on Jun 17, 2017 21:22:31 GMT -5
He admitted he's scared to do that and cried, saying "what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. I have an answer for him. (And for you.) It may sound flippant, but it is not. It may sound mean, but it is not. He may not be ready to hear it. You might not be ready to hear it. You might be ready to hear it, but not ready to say it to him or act on it. But it IS an answer. In fact, it might be the only answer. The answer is: " if this is who you are and can't change, then maybe we should each find someone more compatible to be with." |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 17, 2017 22:17:52 GMT -5
He admitted he's scared to do that and cried, saying "what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. I have an answer for him. (And for you.) It may sound flippant, but it is not. It may sound mean, but it is not. He may not be ready to hear it. You might not be ready to hear it. You might be ready to hear it, but not ready to say it to him or act on it. But it IS an answer. In fact, it might be the only answer. The answer is: " if this is who you are and can't change, then maybe we should each find someone more compatible to be with." Yup. I know you are right. And I know that was the unspoken answer. I am ready to hear it and to think it but not yet ready to accept it or to say it to him. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 18, 2017 6:55:59 GMT -5
I have an answer for him. (And for you.) It may sound flippant, but it is not. It may sound mean, but it is not. He may not be ready to hear it. You might not be ready to hear it. You might be ready to hear it, but not ready to say it to him or act on it. But it IS an answer. In fact, it might be the only answer. The answer is: " if this is who you are and can't change, then maybe we should each find someone more compatible to be with." Yup. I know you are right. And I know that was the unspoken answer. I am ready to hear it and to think it but not yet ready to accept it or to say it to him. The most tragic part about this is the word "can't". Many refusers "won't" change, but sometimes due to things like past abuse, they simply cannot change. An otherwise good person, damaged by someone else. And now both of you have to perform the penance for some other monster's sins. I'm so sorry for you.... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 18, 2017 8:24:30 GMT -5
"what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. This is a very inappropriate thing for him to ask you. Until he confronts his past, admits that it is holding him back, and makes major, consistent efforts to change, he does not know that he can't change. He is asking you what will happen if he can't change before he has even tried. IMHO, after 3 years of celibacy, it is time for him to get his ass in gear and start with therapy to fix his issues. If he will not even try, he is telling you that your needs, wants, and dreams don't matter to him. I received that same B.S. reasoning from my W. When I suggested once a week, " I don't know if I will ever be ready for that!". Completely forgetting the way things where when we first married, and when she wanted to pro-create. Lies, manipulation, distortions. It brings your trust level in that person down to ZERO! |
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