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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 14, 2017 18:37:07 GMT -5
First post! I am already so thankful to have found this forum...
A bit of background: I am 35/F/HL and my H is the refuser. We have been together 10 years, married 5 and have a 2 yr old. We have not had sex in 3 years and prior to that he would often refuse my advances throughout the 10 years we've been together. Last year we went to couples therapy and there I found out that he was sexually abused as a child. He will not reveal any details to me about the abuse as it is too painful for him. A year ago he was committed to going to therapy on his own as well, to work through his past, but 9 months ago we moved for his job and he never found a new therapist despite me asking him multiple times to please continue. He knows sex and intimacy is very important to me and he knows that the complete lack of it is hard for me. Whenever we talk about it I know he feels badly (but currently, not badly enough to continue therapy I guess).
When I bring up the issue he remarks on how it never enters his mind. He said he feels like he's "missing the [sex drive] gene". He seems content with our SM except when we talk about it and he says he "wishes things could be different". I have asked him if he is asexual and he says he doesn't know.
I don't know where to go from here. I am so sad, feel so rejected and depressed. Yet I am trying to be understanding too. I hate that that happened to him. I have been very patient and I don't push him. I love him and I don't want to hurt him any more than he's already hurting but *I* am hurting too. I no longer feel like I have a true partner in my marriage. Intimacy with him feels so foreign to me now - even just a peck on the lips. And anything sexual is just out of the question. I don't know how to make things better. I'm just so tired from the emotional struggle.
I'm hoping for any insight anyone may have regarding having a partner who experienced sexual abuse. How do you work on this together? (Assuming he will become motivated once again to work on things...) Someone please give me a good case scenario!!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 14, 2017 20:26:29 GMT -5
I'm sorry to say, lonelywifey, but on EP (the predecessor to ILIASM) and on here, I have never seen a marriage turn around when a partner had the history yours had. Indeed,even without that kind of history, I think that fewer than 5 people of the thousands posting on these 2 sites managed to turn their marriages around. Truth is that in virtually all cases here, it's the refused who are concerned enough about their sexless marriages to come to a site like this hoping to find help. The refusers have the marriages they want.
In the real world, I know several people -- men and women -- who have been raped or were sexually abused as kids. Some are able to have fulfilling sex, after therapy or, somehow, managing to heal on their own. One, however, a survivor of child sexual abuse says he is a porn addict and never has been able to climax with women or men. So he chooses to be single with lots of platonic friends, but no romances.
If someone has the kind of deep seated problems your husband has, it can take years of therapy for the person to be able to have fulfilling sex. And, of course, to do that, the person has to be willing to work very hard in therapy, which some people find too painful to do.
You can not change your husband or your marriage by yourself, and it's clear that your husband has the relationship he wants. You could go to individual therapy to figure out how you want to respond to your marriage. Your choices are to stay celibate in a sexless marriage; to stay married while outsourcing with or without your husband's knowledge or you can divorce.
I know you want to be understanding. Understanding also can mean compassionately viewing your husband without denying that he is a person probably will forever be a person who is sexually incompatible with you. You also deserve your own compassion and understanding that you are a person with a healthy, normal desire for sex in your life, a desire that you deserve to have fulfilled.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 14, 2017 20:42:16 GMT -5
Truth is that in virtually all cases here, it's the refused who are concerned enough about their sexless marriages to come to a site like this hoping to find help. The refusers have the marriages they want. ...... Understanding also can mean compassionately viewing your husband without denying that he is a person probably will forever be a person who is sexually incompatible with you. Thank you for your honesty and guidance. The two points you made above are particularly poignant for me and I know you are right. It's certainly not what I want to hear but I think part of the reason I've sought out this forum is partly to come to terms with the true reality of my situation and the few options that are available to me. Being forcibly celibate (at a time in my life that is supposedly my sexual peak  ) is not something that is sustainable for me. I hate this. |
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Post by baza on Jun 14, 2017 20:54:02 GMT -5
Boy, I would be REALLY pissed if I had been married for 10 years, and only found out 9 years in that my spouse had somehow forgotten to mention this issue for all that time, and, more to the point, had seen fit not to disclose this information BEFORE I committed to them. To be frank, I think I would be somewhat skeptical about the claim, but if it is a fact, then I would be HUGELY annoyed about his lying by omission. Anyway, that is a personal opinion and as such is worth jack shit. In your situation Sister choosinghappy , he is not pro-actively working on this issue, and under those circumstances it ain't going to improve. Even if he did resume work on it there's no guarantee as to outcome. It's a hard old world out there. He chose to lie by omission to you in the courting phase. He displayed bad faith. You chose to marry him in good faith. His chosen actions plunged the marriage into dysfunctionality. He now chooses to do nothing. The next choice is squarely on you. You stay.. or You cheat.. or You leave. These are all perfectly valid choices. And all are extraordinarily hard and painful. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 14, 2017 20:59:55 GMT -5
Baza - I think I just learned about myself that I am obviously still in the denial phase.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 14, 2017 21:08:29 GMT -5
The difficulty of recognizing your sad reality, lonelywifey, is why I suggest individaul therapy. It can help you hear yourself, honor your own emotions, and remember clearly what your marriage has been like.
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Post by baza on Jun 14, 2017 21:36:37 GMT -5
These situations are very close travelling companions to the 5 stages of grief Sister choosinghappy 1 - Denial. Where you can't believe it is happening. 2 - Anger. - Where you realise it IS happening. 3 - Bargaining. - Where you try and stop it happening. 4 - Depression. - Self explanatory. 5 - Acceptance. - Where you realise it HAS happened. Best you don't try and bypass any of the stages, denial is a perfectly natural and healthy stage. Can be problematic if you stay there too long. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 14, 2017 22:29:58 GMT -5
Let me start out with welcome. You will find us a very supportive group here.
Good case scenario, you tell him that you need him to go to therapy and work it out. That you are depressed by him rejecting you and HE DECIDES to change, HE DECIDES to go to therapy
Without it being his decision, it is lost.
(Edited for clarity)
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 14, 2017 23:17:17 GMT -5
That is a scary place to be in hopingforachange Since I joined today this is obviously all at the forefront of my mind so I broached the topic with H again a few minutes ago. I asked if he will be going back to therapy on his own and if not, maybe we should consider marriage counseling again and he said quote: "Do we have to fucking talk about this right now? Tonight?" and then said he needed time alone and went upstairs. So that went well. Smh. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 14, 2017 23:26:39 GMT -5
Hi there choosinghappyWelcome  Our tales are pretty similar. Except it took me to year 16 or something to open my eyes. Add a couple of kids, drug abuse, gambling, and a pinch of violence into the mix and there's my SM in a nutshell. The sexual abuse, the start/stop therapy.... all happened here too. Mine didnt tell me about about the abuse until last year, after I'd sought this place out. Holy shit, it's a lot to deal with. That reaction you just had from your H? I think that will most likely continue. You have already grasped that that you have been living in denial. Dont feel bad, you didn't know that until you knew it. You cant do anything about a problem you haven't recognised. But now your journey can begin. Its tough. I'm sure you appreciate that. And it's loooooong for many of us. But you found the right place. You'll figure this out and you'll choose the right path. Sending love EO xx |
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 15, 2017 0:26:40 GMT -5
That is a scary place to be in hopingforachange Since I joined today this is obviously all at the forefront of my mind so I broached the topic with H again a few minutes ago. I asked if he will be going back to therapy on his own and if not, maybe we should consider marriage counseling again and he said quote: "Do we have to fucking talk about this right now? Tonight?" and then said he needed time alone and went upstairs. So that went well. Smh. Well that's true love right there! I'm sorry but that's never an ok answer. |
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 2:36:51 GMT -5
Well, if this bloke "needs time alone" that could be a great idea.
Zipcode therapy to get him out of your focus and presence for a while (as long as possible) so you can sort your own thoughts out.
He, likewise could utilize the break to do a bit of self examination if he was so inclined.
Usually though, avoidant spouses are not too keen on separating. The last thing they usually want is to give you a chance to clear your head, lest your thinking arrives at the conclusion that you might be of a mind to make the separation permanent.
In most instances, the avoidant spouse wants the deal to continue, just as it is.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 15, 2017 8:17:01 GMT -5
choosinghappy welcome - sorry you are here. You have recognized the problem and the problem is his. The abuse was his. He is now passing that abuse on to you by refusing you. baza is right - take the kid and go visit relatives/friends, go see the Grand Canyon - whatever you like, but leave for a while. Clear your head. He is the one with the problem and it is his to solve. Whether that makes a difference in your relationship, or not, is up to him. I would look at the track record of the last 10 years and calculate the odds of this happening... are they good? Good luck to you and I hope you find peace.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 15, 2017 10:03:26 GMT -5
Since I joined today this is obviously all at the forefront of my mind so I broached the topic with H again a few minutes ago. I asked if he will be going back to therapy on his own and if not, maybe we should consider marriage counseling again and he said quote: "Do we have to fucking talk about this right now? Tonight?" and then said he needed time alone and went upstairs. So that went well. Smh. Well that's true love right there! I'm sorry but that's never an ok answer. I do agree that is not an ok answer. He did come back down to talk about 45 mins later and we had a good open conversation. Basically it boiled down to him agreeing that this is causing a disintegration of our marriage and really the only way it could possibly get better is for him to go back to therapy and confront his past. He admitted he's scared to do that and cried, saying "what if this is just who I am now and can't change?" I didn't have an answer for him. A major problem is that he completely shuts off his emotional side. He has a very high powered fast-paced job which is 24/7 and so he's always in management-mode. That leaves no option for intimacy of any kind. It is then feast or famine with emotion: he is either like a robot and we don't have a connection or he's like he was last night and is a vulnerable crying mess. He admits he needs to find a common ground. He also said he knows he's not making me happy any longer. In the end it was a good discussion and he knows the ball is in his court and that I want him to go back to therapy. Now I guess I just wait and see how important it is (how important I am) to him. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 15, 2017 10:08:52 GMT -5
baza and snowman12345 - I have considered whether we need some separation. Honestly though, because of his work he is traveling internationally about 50% of the time so we are often separated. And things are easier when he's gone. Then when he comes home and we are together we don't know how to just "be" anymore. His business is such that he could fill every waking moment with work and so that is what he does when he's gone. We are so used to separation that I don't think another intended separation on my part would change anything.
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) is not something that is sustainable for me. I hate this. 
