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Post by Caris on Jun 15, 2017 12:33:12 GMT -5
Brother Dan put up a post about "meetup.com a day or so back. To me, that seems an excellent way to meet people via the internet. I dunno much about "Internet Dating" other than what I have read in here. But on what I have read in here from members is that "Internet Dating" appears to be a complete waste of time. Baz, I think you are right about internet dating. From my limited experience, and what I've heard from others who've done it for years, it is a waste of time. I've been on a meet-up app for 2-years. Went bicycling once with a women's group. Went to a Buddhist meditation and found the door locked. They'd canceled, and didn't post it. I'm trying another next week, but seems to be mostly women. It seems the mixed singles types groups are 2-hour drive from me in a larger city. The more I live like a recluse, the harder it is to go anywhere, other than what I already do alone...ride my bicycle, walk my oldest son's dog, walk around town, shop, and go the bookstore/coffee shop, eat out alone occasionally. I'm more the meditative, reflective/deep thinker type with strong values (maybe even prim & proper) in my old age, but coupled with practicality, and a good sense of reality. Meeting someone who is available, and on the same wavelength, wasn't easy when I was in my prime, let alone in my 60s and carrying this baggage from life. I guess I'll just keep living as I am with my own value system, and life will be as it will be. Thank you. |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 15, 2017 15:18:33 GMT -5
Obviously, this advice would not apply to people who meet in a site like this, however. But, while I know that there are enduring, happy couples like Baz and Ms Enna who met in a sexless marriage forum, in general, I don't think it's a good idea for those who have left their SM to look for a partner who has had a similar experience. First, I don't think it's a good idea to look for someone to heal you sexually unless that someone is a therapist. Most of the healing that's involved depends on changing your own view of yourself and of the importance of sex. FWIW, there's no indication that Baz or Enna were looking for someone to fix them when they became intimate. They'd both been working very hard on healing themselves. Also, person who has been in a SM is likely to lack confidence, may have very rusty sexual skills (such as having anxiety-related ED) and may have other problems related to physical and emotional intimacy. They also may have forgotten or never have learned what it's like to be in a normal romance that includes sex. Having a partner with similar concerns may make the sex and intimacy more difficult to achieve than if they are with a person who isn't trying to heal from years of rejection. Being with a man who hadn't been in a SM is how I learned how to laugh with joy while having sex, to be assertive about asking for sex, and to be casually, unabashedly naked with my lover. His comfort with his own sexuality and needs and his delight in my expressing mine was what helped me to blossom sexually after being stifled for so long. northstarmom , I really like that you put in "I don't think it's a good idea" several times in the part about looking for a partner with similar experience. I have a different opinion and perspective, formed from only my experience and my experience only. I can't and don't speak for anyone else. But in the interest of showing another perspective, I'd like to talk about how I found that it's been a great idea, an absolutely great experience, being with a partner who comes from a SM. Provided that:
"They'd both been working very hard on healing themselves." We DEFINITLY agree on that! I believe that is a very important part of going into a relationship with a fellow SM partner. It's up to me to heal myself. It goes along with the core problem I believe we all have in a SM. It's not just the (lack of) sex. It's the wiliness to change. We asked, they refused (that's why I like the term "refuser" so much. It's more than just refusing sex...) They wouldn't change, so we changed. We left.
If the other person has worked hard as well, you can be with someone who knows and understands the damage caused by a SM. That takes a huge load off of explaining and talking about what is happening. What our issues are. Especially when those issues keep cropping up, usually at the oddest and worse times. Having that sounding board and different perspective from their experience is like having a "built in" ILIASM forum for two! With a triage and treatment facility handily available to try out new healing procedures...(wink, wink) LOL. And I offer the same to them. It's very healing. All of the lack of confidence, rusty sexual skills, and individual problems related to physical and emotional intimacy can be talked about, looked at, and examined with their help. Completely openly. Completely honestly. You won't have to delay or hide what happened. In my SM, I never knew what a normal romance/relationship that includes frequent sex looked like. I do now. Whoa!! My partner hadn't had a "normal" physical or emotionally connected relationship for years in her recent SM. She's relearning what it's like, and more, since I'm a bit enthusiastic in "catching up". Whoa #2!! We laugh, we are assertive and vocal about not only asking for sex, but what we would like to try. We give. We give to each other. Delightfully. Joyfully. Completely. (a side note: I was recently told she had never been this naked so often in her life! Me either....)
But I believe most importantly in my relationship now is we both did a LOT of examining of what our expectations were in a relationship. That's how we ended up here. With all the help of this forum (including EP) we looked at where we were, our SM relationship and how unhappy we were. We looked at ourselves on why we were so unhappy, comparing what we had to what we needed. We looked at our role in it and what our refuser was refusing. Then we both looked at what we wanted a relationship to be. In depth. How it should be. Further, we had both looked, again in depth, at what a healthy, loving, intimate relationship COULD be! What our "Holy Grail" of a partner would be. What are the limits? How far can a relationship with someone like that go? In other words, we became very self-aware. What we needed. What we wanted. What we hoped for. We also became very critical in what kind of person we were looking for, as well as very protective of our hearts. We vowed to ourselves individually never, ever let someone be responsible for our own happiness again. Never, ever give up "ourselves" for anyone else. For us, finding someone who knew what that kind of armor felt like may not have ever happened. Someone who knew how to help take it off. To be that vulnerable again.
Being that vulnerable again is a very, very scary thing. It's what I think most of us here dread and worry about. Will we be good enough? Do we remember how? Will this new partner be scared off if I'm open and vulnerable enough to tell them or they find out. To live up to their expectation's. Willing to let us make mistakes, let it show. Will the damage of our SM show, wrecking my hopes of ever having a "normal" relationship, with sex, intimacy, affection, respect....all the things we didn't have. Finding that person who had experienced all the same things was incredible, freeing and extraordinarily comforting. Such a safe place. It's a bond, a connection, a promise to each other to be aware of all the pitfalls that happened before. To be very aware that we respect that we have our own selves as well as the "us". A promise to be very intimate, affectionate, and openly sexual. A promise to be that open, honest and vulnerable That combined with knowing very well what it's like NOT to have that? That. Is. Truly. Finally. Joyous!
And....it's a starting point to explore what it can be. Finding that together, there really are no limits!
That's the key to my experience at least. Others mileage may vary. 
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 16, 2017 19:55:49 GMT -5
My friend, with whom I'm staying since the funeral, said to me last night, "you are not going to meet anyone. There is a great distance between what you say you will do (regarding meeting men), and what you will actually do." She also said that's it's okay because the fact that I'm now actually thinking about men is still a step forward from where I started 2-years ago. I think she's right. Maybe it will take me another year to actually go on a date (though there really isn't anyone to go on a date with...but if there were). I want my husband, but that's the grief talking. I miss him a lot. Oh Caris, I am so sorry. Grief is always difficult. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness soon. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 16, 2017 22:58:23 GMT -5
Thank you @venus Erotes.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 19, 2017 9:44:35 GMT -5
Brother Dan put up a post about "meetup.com a day or so back. To me, that seems an excellent way to meet people via the internet. I dunno much about "Internet Dating" other than what I have read in here. But on what I have read in here from members is that "Internet Dating" appears to be a complete waste of time. I met my husband via this waste of time.  Everyone has different experiences. It's just a another way of meeting people -- that's all. I would have never ever met my husband had I not joined EHarmony. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2017 14:39:07 GMT -5
I met Mr. Kat on Match.com. And we had 7 great years before things started to go south. So I'm willing to do online dating.
Besides, I never meet any damn men any other way. I have a job; and I *do* do some activities I like, with other people. Here's the deal:
1 - Most of the really attractive age-appropriate men are married, and not looking for a girlfriend.
2 - Most of the activities I truly *enjoy*, attract mostly women. So I go to those things for the sake of getting out of the house and getting out of my own head. But I've given up on meeting any men while doing activities. Maybe I'd be better off if I liked football, fishing, NASCAR, etc. But I resent the idea of having to spend time and money on things I don't like, because men won't go to things I do like.
So, I do my mostly-female activities because they are things I actually like; and if it wasn't for dating sites, I'd never meet any men.
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Post by Caris on Jun 20, 2017 21:05:28 GMT -5
I met Mr. Kat on Match.com. And we had 7 great years before things started to go south. So I'm willing to do online dating. Besides, I never meet any damn men any other way. I have a job; and I *do* do some activities I like, with other people. Here's the deal: 1 - Most of the really attractive age-appropriate men are married, and not looking for a girlfriend. 2 - Most of the activities I truly *enjoy*, attract mostly women. So I go to those things for the sake of getting out of the house and getting out of my own head. But I've given up on meeting any men while doing activities. Maybe I'd be better off if I liked football, fishing, NASCAR, etc. But I resent the idea of having to spend time and money on things I don't like, because men won't go to things I do like. So, I do my mostly-female activities because they are things I actually like; and if it wasn't for dating sites, I'd never meet any men. Kat, I know what you mean. I'm the same. The few activities I did go to initially were women or married couples. I enjoyed the activities for their own sake, but the chance of meeting an age appropriate single AND compatible man is remote. I think OKC has written me off. I'm getting virtually no views. I actually have to wonder if it's politically motivated given some of my answers. I mean, telling me that I'm not likely to find a date in the whole country is beyond ridiculous, and all the views stop, never mind messages. It's suspicious. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 20, 2017 21:39:46 GMT -5
"I think OKC has written me off. I'm getting virtually no views. I actually have to wonder if it's politically motivated given some of my answers."
Why have you not sent messages to men who interest you?
Also, what do you usually do during the day. I know you don't work. What fills up your time?
Have you considered doing volunteer work for a cause or group that you believe in? If you don't want to be around other people, you could volunteer by doing something like fostering kittens or puppies.
"There is a Chinese saying that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” For centuries, the greatest thinkers have suggested the same thing: Happiness is found in helping others....Scientific research provides compelling data to support the anecdotal evidence that giving is a powerful pathway to personal growth and lasting happiness. Through fMRI technology, we now know that giving activates the same parts of the brain that are stimulated by food and sex. Experiments show evidence that altruism is hardwired in the brain—and it's pleasurable. Helping others may just be the secret to living a life that is not only happier but also healthier, wealthier, more productive, and meaningful."http://time.com/4070299/secret-to-happiness/
"Numerous studies have attempted to capture the benefits of giving, and they’ve consistently shown that giving makes people feel good. Whether it's volunteering or donating cash, selfless action can help lessen the risk and symptoms of depression and day-to-day stress."http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2015/05/01/what-generosity-does-to-your-brain-and-life-expectancy
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 10:36:29 GMT -5
Well, to add on:
I don't get too political on dating sites. I don't hide what I really think, but I don't emphasize it, either. I look at it this way:
1 - Deeper discussions are for mid-dating, not pre-dating.
2 - Sometimes a little disagreement can spice things up. Remember Mary Matalin and James Carville? The sexiest man I know at present does not agree with me on politics. But his views are not so extreme that they're intolerable.
And, on being the one to approach the man - I agree with northstarmom here. If I find a man's profile interesting, I will approach him. Lightly - just a "like" or a quick short message. But that opens the door.
If they don't respond, I let go of it. No sense in me doing a whole lot of work for nothing.
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Post by Caris on Jun 21, 2017 13:59:05 GMT -5
"I think OKC has written me off. I'm getting virtually no views. I actually have to wonder if it's politically motivated given some of my answers." Why have you not sent messages to men who interest you? Also, what do you usually do during the day. I know you don't work. What fills up your time? Have you considered doing volunteer work for a cause or group that you believe in? If you don't want to be around other people, you could volunteer by doing something like fostering kittens or puppies. "There is a Chinese saying that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” For centuries, the greatest thinkers have suggested the same thing: Happiness is found in helping others....Scientific research provides compelling data to support the anecdotal evidence that giving is a powerful pathway to personal growth and lasting happiness. Through fMRI technology, we now know that giving activates the same parts of the brain that are stimulated by food and sex. Experiments show evidence that altruism is hardwired in the brain—and it's pleasurable. Helping others may just be the secret to living a life that is not only happier but also healthier, wealthier, more productive, and meaningful."http://time.com/4070299/secret-to-happiness/ "Numerous studies have attempted to capture the benefits of giving, and they’ve consistently shown that giving makes people feel good. Whether it's volunteering or donating cash, selfless action can help lessen the risk and symptoms of depression and day-to-day stress."http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2015/05/01/what-generosity-does-to-your-brain-and-life-expectancy I'm 63-years old, you don't think I got to this age without giving do you? I've given a lot over my lifetime, now it's time to give to myself. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 21, 2017 14:06:40 GMT -5
Well, to add on: I don't get too political on dating sites. I don't hide what I really think, but I don't emphasize it, either. I look at it this way: 1 - Deeper discussions are for mid-dating, not pre-dating. 2 - Sometimes a little disagreement can spice things up. Remember Mary Matalin and James Carville? The sexiest man I know at present does not agree with me on politics. But his views are not so extreme that they're intolerable. And, on being the one to approach the man - I agree with northstarmom here. If I find a man's profile interesting, I will approach him. Lightly - just a "like" or a quick short message. But that opens the door. If they don't respond, I let go of it. No sense in me doing a whole lot of work for nothing. As far as I know the only political questions I answered were my political affiliation, do I like to talk about politics, and could I date a man who was the opposite of my views. That's it, and they designated me political from that. The rest was all ethical stuff, and I didn't answer any more political questions. No. I am from the old school. I've never approached a man in my life in a possible romantic sense, and I'm not starting now. Not that there was anyone to choose from once I got back to my state. I've deleted my account. That's the end of online dating for me. Not that it ever started. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2017 15:59:02 GMT -5
"smartkat said:....I don't get too political on dating sites. I don't hide what I really think, but I don't emphasize it, either. I look at it this way:
1 - Deeper discussions are for mid-dating, not pre-dating."
I was an undergrad gov't major and have maintained a strong interest in politics. I included some of my views I my profile. Under no circumstances did I want to waste my time having coffee drinks with a man with different values. The couple of men I met in person had similar views just weren't appealing for other reasons. I did connect with a fascinating guy with similar views. He was, alas, 1,000 miles away so we never met. We are FB friends and enjoy each other's posts.
I strongly believe in cutting to the chase of the first date so when an in real life acquaintance asked me out to dinner and a play, over dinner, I learned about his politics, religion and a bit about his childhood and college experiences. Someone who is so afraid of causing offense that they don't want to talk about things that they value isn't the person for me.
He opened up and it was interesting learning about him. We also had lots in common including the same politics and lack of religion.
Two months later, we had sex on our third formal date. We'd seen each other casually a few times before that. I'd gone to a party at his house. He had gone to an art fair in the park that I'd invited him to. He had attended a play that I'd issued a general "y'all come" invitation to all of my local FB friends.
I wasn't searching for the love of my life. He seemed a nice guy who at the least would be a nice addition to my platonic friends. Neither of us was desperate. We were busy with hobbies and friendships. Love ended up enhancing but not saving our lives.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 17:21:52 GMT -5
northstarmom, that's great. I think that's a great way to wind up in a relationship. I'd be happy if something similar happened to me. All I'm saying is, the man in my life does not have to agree with me 100%, in order for me to be happy. Like I said - a little disagreement can be sort of sexy and challenging. Mr. Kat agreed with me almost 100% on politics, religion/spirituality, basic human values. And look how that turned out. Because we shared so much and understood each other so well, it hurt even more when he decided it was time to be an old man and never have sex anymore. If he can be patient with me until I'm maybe 80 years old, and over my immature liking of sex...maybe we could get back together again. If I was asexual, Mr. Kat and I would once again agree on everything. I'm DONE with going down a checklist when it comes to men. I've fucked up my life pretty royally by making checklist items more important than chemistry. The guy I should have gone for, years ago....we disagreed on some issues, so that put me off him. Big mistake. We had epic sexual situations. Now years later, I've been with Mr. Kat - who could probably finish my sentences, but who won't even touch me. I'm no longer looking for a guy to move to the suburbs and have babies with. That ship has sailed. So, I'm more willing to cave in a little on politics/religion/values....but LESS willing to cave in on sexuality!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 21, 2017 18:35:59 GMT -5
Most of the activities I truly *enjoy*, attract mostly women. So I go to those things for the sake of getting out of the house and getting out of my own head. But I've given up on meeting any men while doing activities. Maybe I'd be better off if I liked football, fishing, NASCAR, etc. So, for guys who aren't into football, fishing, and NASCAR... tell us more about these activities that attract women. ;-) |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2017 22:43:12 GMT -5
Most of the activities I truly *enjoy*, attract mostly women. So I go to those things for the sake of getting out of the house and getting out of my own head. But I've given up on meeting any men while doing activities. Maybe I'd be better off if I liked football, fishing, NASCAR, etc. So, for guys who aren't into football, fishing, and NASCAR... tell us more about these activities that attract women. ;-) Well, I can only speak for myself, but: Book groups. Writing workshops. Walking on the beach. (I know, that's such a cliche. But I love it.) Exploring places I haven't been before. Outdoor festivals in the summer. |
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