Post by WindSister on Jun 14, 2017 10:12:42 GMT -5
So, in one of the threads I mentioned how having no expectations in relationships is freeing not only for yourself but the other person as well - loving with no expectations. @smartkat asked how you DO that and I said, I don't know!! lol
skip this part if you don't have time:
I guess when I posted that it was just after disappointing my mom on mother's day weekend. Her "expectations" for everyone to make this holiday or that holiday great are honestly stifling and suffocating. Thing is she KNEW (months and weeks with constant reminders in advance) that we were NOT going to see her on Mother's Day weekend. We planned a camping trip for ourselves that weekend simply because if we can't please both mothers (live 4 hours away from each other, impossible), we will disappoint both mothers. Sounds cruel, but we then spent the next two weekends at each Mom's house doing what each loves. So what if it wasn't "ON" freaking Hallmark Holiday Mother's Day??? Ugh.
I WARNED Mom... because I know her. I said, Plan something, Do something. "oh, I'll be fine, it doesn't matter if I see you on the weekend or not, I will see you the next." Okay, but I know her and I KNEW it would mess with her. Not only was it Mother's Day weekend here but it's also opening fishing weekend and that is something that messes with her too -- she and dad had a cabin/lake home and enjoyed the hoopla of the weekend, the only weekend they fished all summer. Dad's been gone for 11 years and she lives with her boyfriend, but she still visits the grief of losing dad on a regular basis. So, Saturday night as I am enjoying a campfire with my husband I start getting the texts. She was drinking and it's apparent how far gone she is by how many exclamation points she uses. "I don't tell you enough!!!!!!!! I miss your dad!!!!!!!!!! He made you!!!!!!!!!!" "This weekend is so hard!!!!!! I know you kids don't like to hear that!!!!!!!!!" The kicker??? My brother, who lives in the same zip code as mom, texted her at that time and said he and the boys (20 year old nephews) were coming over to see her on Sunday (mother's day) and she replied, "No. Not feeling well!!!!!!!" He knew she was drunk, too many exclamation points. He called me, "Fine I am bringing her flowers to the lake, screw it." UGH!!! They have a history, but still -- what mother says NO to their child coming to see her on Mother's Day?
So --- yeah-- I love her, I can't fix her.
But that is where my distaste for expectations placed on me comes from and I have become sensitive placing them on others because of it. It is REALLY REALLY REALLY stifling, suffocating when you simply can't please someone enough, they are STILL miserable, lost, restless, depressed.
and jump to HERE:
So, anyway --- I try really really hard NOT TO place expectations on my family. If I see them on a holiday, I see them. If they give me a gift, they give me a gift, if they don't, they don't. Same with Rob's kids - if we are super close, we are super close, if not, we aren't. I do what I do because I WANT to do it because it's WHO I AM - not for reward or payback or to hold power over anyone or for this agenda or that agenda. I have spent many Christmases alone and I do recall the loneliness, but I also recall internalizing it, feeling it, living it and ultimately finding peace. I didn't complain to one person or make my family feel bad for not driving to see me, though I did have scotch while taking a hot bath -- (chose not to text anyone though). I do recall sometimes getting sad being single, for instance, getting weepy loading up my lone kayak for yet another lone camping adventure the summer before I met my husband, but then I also recall hearing my mom in me at that moment and stifling myself, telling myself what a First World Problem that was.... going KAYAKING and CAMPING on a weekend... ugh, poor me, right?? That's the weekend I dreamed of moving to a small town (which I now live in one and love it).
Now, expectations when it comes to a romantic relationship??? That's a tough one. If someone is not fulfilling our needs in a relationship, we end it, do we not? That IS conditional love with expectations. I think it is pretty hard to avoid. If my husband started drinking every night and shut out from me, yeah, I would try to work it out with him for a little bit (not as long as I did in the past) but ultimately, I would leave. Why would I stay with someone who is unhealthy, an addict and shut himself off from me? I would not anymore at this stage of the game.
So it bugged me. What did I MEAN when I said no expectations... I did some digging. Found some reading. Read if interested.
thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/07/here-is-how-you-love-without-expectation/
This quote, particularly, stuck out for me, like a glaring neon sign.
I don't know about anyone else, but phew, I feel FREEDOM when I read that. Like TOTAL FREEDOM and LIGHTNESS.
Taking it back to my mother --- yes, totally how this is working. I AM choosing to be there (as I can) for her. I love her, as is, demons and all, but I create space around that love to protect myself. Mainly, I don't own her problems and I don't drop everything to please her as I have in the past because I learned, there is no pleasing her enough. The difference between my brother and I is that I AM there for her, I will respond with a "I love you mom!" when she texts her drunken stuff. I don't address the current topic at hand, just send the "I love you." That tends to soften her up and she will send a heart face with "I love you too!" And then hopefully go to bed. My brother ignores her indefinitely. He gets all mad and riled up. He internalizes it, wants to fix it but knows he can't. We can't fix it. Let it go. Love her. Let it go. I had a great night that night by the fire. I am sorry my mom suffered. I can't suffer for her.
In a romantic relationship it also can hold true. I could no longer love my ex, as is, it wasn't working. Bartering to hold hands, kiss, have sex no longer worked (and yes it was freaking exhausting). I left. Now I am choosing to love my current husband AS IS - quirks, warts and all. It's working for now. If it stops working, we will reassess. I think we suffer too much over this notion that love MUST last forever?? I don't know. Maybe. Yet, "chasing love" and "the next best thing" is also not a fulfilling way to live. That's life, I suppose, always striving for balance.
The rest of the article focuses on the importance of loving and knowing yourself, which is preached a lot around here.
Note. "Having no expectations" doesn't mean we take whatever comes and just accept it. It's quite the opposite, actually. I don't know -- fascinating and philosophical stuff. There's tons of articles on why having no expectations is bullshit. Feel free to post those if you like. It's all in the meaning of the words and perspective, really. But, I liked this article, found it light and uplifting, so I will leave it here.
skip this part if you don't have time:
I guess when I posted that it was just after disappointing my mom on mother's day weekend. Her "expectations" for everyone to make this holiday or that holiday great are honestly stifling and suffocating. Thing is she KNEW (months and weeks with constant reminders in advance) that we were NOT going to see her on Mother's Day weekend. We planned a camping trip for ourselves that weekend simply because if we can't please both mothers (live 4 hours away from each other, impossible), we will disappoint both mothers. Sounds cruel, but we then spent the next two weekends at each Mom's house doing what each loves. So what if it wasn't "ON" freaking Hallmark Holiday Mother's Day??? Ugh.
I WARNED Mom... because I know her. I said, Plan something, Do something. "oh, I'll be fine, it doesn't matter if I see you on the weekend or not, I will see you the next." Okay, but I know her and I KNEW it would mess with her. Not only was it Mother's Day weekend here but it's also opening fishing weekend and that is something that messes with her too -- she and dad had a cabin/lake home and enjoyed the hoopla of the weekend, the only weekend they fished all summer. Dad's been gone for 11 years and she lives with her boyfriend, but she still visits the grief of losing dad on a regular basis. So, Saturday night as I am enjoying a campfire with my husband I start getting the texts. She was drinking and it's apparent how far gone she is by how many exclamation points she uses. "I don't tell you enough!!!!!!!! I miss your dad!!!!!!!!!! He made you!!!!!!!!!!" "This weekend is so hard!!!!!! I know you kids don't like to hear that!!!!!!!!!" The kicker??? My brother, who lives in the same zip code as mom, texted her at that time and said he and the boys (20 year old nephews) were coming over to see her on Sunday (mother's day) and she replied, "No. Not feeling well!!!!!!!" He knew she was drunk, too many exclamation points. He called me, "Fine I am bringing her flowers to the lake, screw it." UGH!!! They have a history, but still -- what mother says NO to their child coming to see her on Mother's Day?
So --- yeah-- I love her, I can't fix her.
But that is where my distaste for expectations placed on me comes from and I have become sensitive placing them on others because of it. It is REALLY REALLY REALLY stifling, suffocating when you simply can't please someone enough, they are STILL miserable, lost, restless, depressed.
and jump to HERE:
So, anyway --- I try really really hard NOT TO place expectations on my family. If I see them on a holiday, I see them. If they give me a gift, they give me a gift, if they don't, they don't. Same with Rob's kids - if we are super close, we are super close, if not, we aren't. I do what I do because I WANT to do it because it's WHO I AM - not for reward or payback or to hold power over anyone or for this agenda or that agenda. I have spent many Christmases alone and I do recall the loneliness, but I also recall internalizing it, feeling it, living it and ultimately finding peace. I didn't complain to one person or make my family feel bad for not driving to see me, though I did have scotch while taking a hot bath -- (chose not to text anyone though). I do recall sometimes getting sad being single, for instance, getting weepy loading up my lone kayak for yet another lone camping adventure the summer before I met my husband, but then I also recall hearing my mom in me at that moment and stifling myself, telling myself what a First World Problem that was.... going KAYAKING and CAMPING on a weekend... ugh, poor me, right?? That's the weekend I dreamed of moving to a small town (which I now live in one and love it).
Now, expectations when it comes to a romantic relationship??? That's a tough one. If someone is not fulfilling our needs in a relationship, we end it, do we not? That IS conditional love with expectations. I think it is pretty hard to avoid. If my husband started drinking every night and shut out from me, yeah, I would try to work it out with him for a little bit (not as long as I did in the past) but ultimately, I would leave. Why would I stay with someone who is unhealthy, an addict and shut himself off from me? I would not anymore at this stage of the game.
So it bugged me. What did I MEAN when I said no expectations... I did some digging. Found some reading. Read if interested.
thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/07/here-is-how-you-love-without-expectation/
This quote, particularly, stuck out for me, like a glaring neon sign.
To love without expectation, you learn what’s not in your control. You understand that everyone has their own demons and nobody owes it to you to fight them. At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away. There is no in between. There is no bartering, bargaining, expecting and falling short in love. There is just choosing to be there or to not. Anything in between is a tired, self-interested excuse for love.
Taking it back to my mother --- yes, totally how this is working. I AM choosing to be there (as I can) for her. I love her, as is, demons and all, but I create space around that love to protect myself. Mainly, I don't own her problems and I don't drop everything to please her as I have in the past because I learned, there is no pleasing her enough. The difference between my brother and I is that I AM there for her, I will respond with a "I love you mom!" when she texts her drunken stuff. I don't address the current topic at hand, just send the "I love you." That tends to soften her up and she will send a heart face with "I love you too!" And then hopefully go to bed. My brother ignores her indefinitely. He gets all mad and riled up. He internalizes it, wants to fix it but knows he can't. We can't fix it. Let it go. Love her. Let it go. I had a great night that night by the fire. I am sorry my mom suffered. I can't suffer for her.
In a romantic relationship it also can hold true. I could no longer love my ex, as is, it wasn't working. Bartering to hold hands, kiss, have sex no longer worked (and yes it was freaking exhausting). I left. Now I am choosing to love my current husband AS IS - quirks, warts and all. It's working for now. If it stops working, we will reassess. I think we suffer too much over this notion that love MUST last forever?? I don't know. Maybe. Yet, "chasing love" and "the next best thing" is also not a fulfilling way to live. That's life, I suppose, always striving for balance.
The rest of the article focuses on the importance of loving and knowing yourself, which is preached a lot around here.
To love without expectation, you have to be okay with yourself. Okay with opening your doors, spreading your arms, baring your heart and understanding that not everyone is going to be gentle with it. You have to know that you can recover from those aches, that you can heal your own wounds, that you can trust yourself to walk away from the situations that do not grow or aid you.
Because here’s the thing about placing expectations on others: at the root of expectation is need. Need for others to accept you, to validate you, to tell you that you’re good and worthwhile and strong. And if you can do that for yourself – if you can live up to your own expectations and desires, then the need for other people to do so disappears. The need to bend over backwards, to accommodate others, to seek validation from those who do not deserve your heart, disappears.
Who to love and who to leave becomes simple. And expectation slides out the window.
Because here’s the thing about placing expectations on others: at the root of expectation is need. Need for others to accept you, to validate you, to tell you that you’re good and worthwhile and strong. And if you can do that for yourself – if you can live up to your own expectations and desires, then the need for other people to do so disappears. The need to bend over backwards, to accommodate others, to seek validation from those who do not deserve your heart, disappears.
Who to love and who to leave becomes simple. And expectation slides out the window.
Note. "Having no expectations" doesn't mean we take whatever comes and just accept it. It's quite the opposite, actually. I don't know -- fascinating and philosophical stuff. There's tons of articles on why having no expectations is bullshit. Feel free to post those if you like.
It's all in the meaning of the words and perspective, really. But, I liked this article, found it light and uplifting, so I will leave it here. 
