Exes and Step families - life after divorce
Jun 13, 2017 12:10:04 GMT -5
jim44444 and bballgirl like this
Post by WindSister on Jun 13, 2017 12:10:04 GMT -5
A coworker of mine recently got divorced (well, it has been almost a year) and was mad that her ex brought a girlfriend to their daughter's wedding. She has known she would be coming for the past 4 months of all the planning of said wedding (she has been dreading it this whole time, trust me, we have heard about it!). She said that her ex was raising a fuss because she and her daughter wanted the new woman to "sit in the back" but her ex wanted to sit NEXT to her (as his date). The bride (his daughter) wanted dad "in the front." Well, to me it sounds like dad was in a tough spot put there by his GF and his daughter. He ended up choosing to sit next to his girlfriend three rows back after he walked his daughter down the aisle. (Backstory -- his gf was not the reason for the divorce, his ex, my co-worker, was the one who wanted it).
I tend to be very "pro-dad," but in this case -- ouch. Rough waters ahead in this dynamic!! (I am just assuming the GF put the ultimatum on him to choose "her" but I suppose I could be wrong).
But, THE POINT IS -- my coworker is all upset at how the wedding played out, dealing with it with her ex, etc. but the fact is -- that's something you must consider when you are considering divorce. Just like we need to consider marriage, one should consider divorce and all that will entail afterwards. How will you deal with things like that? What kind of ex will you be? What kind of new partner? What kind of mom to your kids now as a "co-parent", what kind of dad? What kind of step mom? Stepdad? What are the rules? What about money for such big events?
Does it HAVE TO BE all drama and ego and hurt feelings?
It really doesn't have to be, but man, it takes a person willing to do the inner work to get past a lot of that stuff.
As hard as it was to get past a lot of the stuff I had to deal with in accepting the fact that my H's ex would forever be in our life, it was worth it. I can really hold my head high in her presence, I can "allow" (without my own suffering) her presence in our life and those who love/care for her to love/care for her (even my own H to some extent, even though he claims he hates her). And this isn't just a bunch of words, it's how I actually feel at the core of myself, now, my own REAL TRUTH.
Feelings and "Stuff" still come up now and then and as a step mom, step gramma, "dad's wife," I sometimes feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, and the Step Mom syndrome is sometimes we feel like WE are the ones who always have to "grin and bear it" -- but if I get real about the situations, I am betting everyone in this equation (bio mom, ex, kids, my husband) feel that way sometimes too. I am not "special" when it comes to that feeling. None of us are, we all have to deal with things (feelings) that come up now and then.
Anyway, I just see it enough in real life and on the WWW that I felt I should comment. There are always consequences -- even for divorce (and DEFINITELY RE-marriage). Don't be blindsided - be ready to face them. I feel for some people in some stories I see out there. So much pain and suffering due to bent egos, anger, jealousy, revenge... and usually it really is the kids (children or adults) that suffer.
In the above equation, what my friend went through, I would have handled it differently than her ex's GF did. I would have likely approached the bride, acknowledged with her that it is probably pretty weird dad is bringing a GF to the wedding, "are you even okay with that??" Talk with her a bit, feel her out. If it was really a sticking point, honestly, as a gf/ not a wife, I would have opted out of that celebration chalking it up to the fact it's too soon. Together only 6 months and divorced just a year? Yeah.... just.. no. My co-worker's ex just wanted to stand by his GF by choosing to sit next to her at the ceremony, but this will not play well for either of them moving forward with his kids. He set the tone, as did she, and his kids. (His ex too, actually) Glad I didn't enter my husband's kids scene in that way. (Eveyone has ego, no one willing to back down) Phew!!
As it was, I first met everyone at my husband's mom's 80th Surprise Birthday and his eldest was chilly about it on the phone with him, "Dad, are you sure she should come to that?" He said, "I love you, kiddo, but she's my girlfriend and yes, she is coming." We were together only two months at that point but he wanted everyone to meet me. He set the tone as having my back but in doing so he wasn't "choosing sides" either, so it has worked. After one cold handshake, his girls warmed up quickly to me and it's been mostly smooth sailing since (actually received warm hugs upon saying goodbye that day). I wouldn't have expected (nor allowed, actually) him to sit next to me instead of up front for his daughter's wedding at that point -- no, no, no. Well, two months in I wouldn't have even entertained the thought of going to his kids' wedding. Ugh! Six months is even way too soon as the daughter/bride maybe only saw the GF 3 times, max, for short visits. That's a lot to ask. As it was, I was married to my husband at his daughter's wedding last summer and it felt too soon. His kids don't know me like he does. But I treaded lightly. (thankful I wasn't asked to sit back by the ferns -- they treated us all fairly).
This is the stuff that comes up, though. I am not trying to scare anyone -- it is just important to know yourself.
WHO are you?
What kind of ex will you be?
What kind of dad/mom to your kids you co-parent?
What kind of new partner?
How will YOU deal with your new partner's ex and kids?
And before you tie the knot, move in, etc. discuss and set the rules, boundaries, expectations, financial ones too! (who pays for big weddings, college, etc.).
Just throwing it out there... Every dynamic will be different. If your new partner is a bitch/asshole, kick em to the curb. QUICK. If they are not? Have their back. But remember time/place/timing!
I tend to be very "pro-dad," but in this case -- ouch. Rough waters ahead in this dynamic!! (I am just assuming the GF put the ultimatum on him to choose "her" but I suppose I could be wrong).
But, THE POINT IS -- my coworker is all upset at how the wedding played out, dealing with it with her ex, etc. but the fact is -- that's something you must consider when you are considering divorce. Just like we need to consider marriage, one should consider divorce and all that will entail afterwards. How will you deal with things like that? What kind of ex will you be? What kind of new partner? What kind of mom to your kids now as a "co-parent", what kind of dad? What kind of step mom? Stepdad? What are the rules? What about money for such big events?
Does it HAVE TO BE all drama and ego and hurt feelings?
It really doesn't have to be, but man, it takes a person willing to do the inner work to get past a lot of that stuff.
As hard as it was to get past a lot of the stuff I had to deal with in accepting the fact that my H's ex would forever be in our life, it was worth it. I can really hold my head high in her presence, I can "allow" (without my own suffering) her presence in our life and those who love/care for her to love/care for her (even my own H to some extent, even though he claims he hates her). And this isn't just a bunch of words, it's how I actually feel at the core of myself, now, my own REAL TRUTH.
Feelings and "Stuff" still come up now and then and as a step mom, step gramma, "dad's wife," I sometimes feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't, and the Step Mom syndrome is sometimes we feel like WE are the ones who always have to "grin and bear it" -- but if I get real about the situations, I am betting everyone in this equation (bio mom, ex, kids, my husband) feel that way sometimes too. I am not "special" when it comes to that feeling. None of us are, we all have to deal with things (feelings) that come up now and then.
Anyway, I just see it enough in real life and on the WWW that I felt I should comment. There are always consequences -- even for divorce (and DEFINITELY RE-marriage). Don't be blindsided - be ready to face them. I feel for some people in some stories I see out there. So much pain and suffering due to bent egos, anger, jealousy, revenge... and usually it really is the kids (children or adults) that suffer.
In the above equation, what my friend went through, I would have handled it differently than her ex's GF did. I would have likely approached the bride, acknowledged with her that it is probably pretty weird dad is bringing a GF to the wedding, "are you even okay with that??" Talk with her a bit, feel her out. If it was really a sticking point, honestly, as a gf/ not a wife, I would have opted out of that celebration chalking it up to the fact it's too soon. Together only 6 months and divorced just a year? Yeah.... just.. no. My co-worker's ex just wanted to stand by his GF by choosing to sit next to her at the ceremony, but this will not play well for either of them moving forward with his kids. He set the tone, as did she, and his kids. (His ex too, actually) Glad I didn't enter my husband's kids scene in that way. (Eveyone has ego, no one willing to back down) Phew!!
As it was, I first met everyone at my husband's mom's 80th Surprise Birthday and his eldest was chilly about it on the phone with him, "Dad, are you sure she should come to that?" He said, "I love you, kiddo, but she's my girlfriend and yes, she is coming." We were together only two months at that point but he wanted everyone to meet me. He set the tone as having my back but in doing so he wasn't "choosing sides" either, so it has worked. After one cold handshake, his girls warmed up quickly to me and it's been mostly smooth sailing since (actually received warm hugs upon saying goodbye that day). I wouldn't have expected (nor allowed, actually) him to sit next to me instead of up front for his daughter's wedding at that point -- no, no, no. Well, two months in I wouldn't have even entertained the thought of going to his kids' wedding. Ugh! Six months is even way too soon as the daughter/bride maybe only saw the GF 3 times, max, for short visits. That's a lot to ask. As it was, I was married to my husband at his daughter's wedding last summer and it felt too soon. His kids don't know me like he does. But I treaded lightly. (thankful I wasn't asked to sit back by the ferns -- they treated us all fairly).
This is the stuff that comes up, though. I am not trying to scare anyone -- it is just important to know yourself.
WHO are you?
What kind of ex will you be?
What kind of dad/mom to your kids you co-parent?
What kind of new partner?
How will YOU deal with your new partner's ex and kids?
And before you tie the knot, move in, etc. discuss and set the rules, boundaries, expectations, financial ones too! (who pays for big weddings, college, etc.).
Just throwing it out there... Every dynamic will be different. If your new partner is a bitch/asshole, kick em to the curb. QUICK. If they are not? Have their back. But remember time/place/timing!
