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Post by ironhamster on Jun 11, 2017 13:50:12 GMT -5
One of the things that woke me up to my SM issue was exposure to the world of BDSM, just a few months ago. There are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM versus abuse. They are not the same, not related. BDSM experiences are built on trust and consent. In fact, there is a real obsession with consent.
When I was signing my marriage license, there was no legal wording stating my consent to end my sex life.
If I had a hobby I loved, and after the wedding, my wife told me I could not do that hobby any more, I would have been upset. I did not consent to give up that hobby when we got married. Somehow, though, giving it up was exactly what I did. I stuffed my frustrations. I asked, and begged. I told myself this was all going to turn around, just to give myself hope. I'm done hoping. I have no hope left that this is going to change.
I'm sure there will be plenty of people in my life that, when it happens, accuse me of being a cheater, and treat my wife as the innocent victim. The way I see it, I was the one that was cheated. I was the willing victim. I do not consent to this neglect. Not anymore.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 11, 2017 18:06:48 GMT -5
Yes hope is a waste of time. Figure out what you want for yourself.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 11, 2017 18:30:47 GMT -5
One of the things that woke me up to my SM issue was exposure to the world of BDSM, just a few months ago. There are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM versus abuse. They are not the same, not related. BDSM experiences are built on trust and consent. In fact, there is a real obsession with consent. When I was signing my marriage license, there was no legal wording stating my consent to end my sex life. If I had a hobby I loved, and after the wedding, my wife told me I could not do that hobby any more, I would have been upset. I did not consent to give up that hobby when we got married. Somehow, though, giving it up was exactly what I did. I stuffed my frustrations. I asked, and begged. I told myself this was all going to turn around, just to give myself hope. I'm done hoping. I have no hope left that this is going to change. I'm sure there will be plenty of people in my life that, when it happens, accuse me of being a cheater, and treat my wife as the innocent victim. The way I see it, I was the one that was cheated. I was the willing victim. I do not consent to this neglect. Not anymore. So glad you are seeing and end to your misery. Know who you are moving forward and learn from the good, the bad and the ugly. Stay true to who you are and I know you'll find the happiness you deserve! |
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Post by baza on Jun 11, 2017 19:34:27 GMT -5
*If* you - as a refused spouse - want to do anything about your circumstances - then it would be smart to forget any notion of who is "right" and who is "wrong", who is "blameless or "blameful", who has the moral highground" and who doesn't, who is "justified" and who is "not justified", even who is "refuser" and who is "refused".
Whereas all of these things are useful in *identifying* that your deal is an ILIASM shithole, none of these things are helpful in bringing an ILIASM shithole to resolution.
Comes a time - *if* you want to do something about your circumstances - to focus on you and your future, not your spouse and your past.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 11, 2017 20:10:29 GMT -5
So glad you are seeing and end to your misery. Know who you are moving forward and learn from the good, the bad and the ugly. Stay true to who you are and I know you'll find the happiness you deserve! I am trying to figure that out. The situation reminds me of Monty Python's Dennis Moore skit on economic justice where he declares "this wealth redistribution thing is trickier than I thought." The idea of an open marriage arrangement is very appealing to me, and so is swinging. Both of those deals are not as straightforward as they sound, though, especially when one partner is going to fight the idea. I still love her, and I still want it all. I want the Captain Kirk solution to my Kobayashi Maru. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 11, 2017 20:12:23 GMT -5
I got lucky. Hubs offered the open marriage as a way to keep me around and make sure the kids still had their mom.
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Post by h on Jun 11, 2017 20:21:50 GMT -5
So glad you are seeing and end to your misery. Know who you are moving forward and learn from the good, the bad and the ugly. Stay true to who you are and I know you'll find the happiness you deserve! I am trying to figure that out. The situation reminds me of Monty Python's Dennis Moore skit on economic justice where he declares "this wealth redistribution thing is trickier than I thought." The idea of an open marriage arrangement is very appealing to me, and so is swinging. Both of those deals are not as straightforward as they sound, though, especially when one partner is going to fight the idea. I still love her, and I still want it all. I want the Captain Kirk solution to my Kobayashi Maru. You want Spock to accuse you of cheating?😜 |
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Post by solodriver on Jun 11, 2017 20:47:48 GMT -5
"I want the Captain Kirk solution to my Kobayashi Maru."
Spock might say that that solution cannot be applied to our SM situations.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 11, 2017 22:24:09 GMT -5
"I want the Captain Kirk solution to my Kobayashi Maru."
KHAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 12, 2017 6:15:59 GMT -5
Yes hope is a waste of time. Figure out what you want for yourself. I love this quote:
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 12, 2017 7:03:50 GMT -5
Yes hope is a waste of time. Figure out what you want for yourself. I love this quote:
Good one! I'm a "fortune favors the bold" type of gal. Take the risk and make things happen for yourself because nobody else will! |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jun 13, 2017 12:06:14 GMT -5
I am trying to figure that out. The situation reminds me of Monty Python's Dennis Moore skit on economic justice where he declares "this wealth redistribution thing is trickier than I thought." The idea of an open marriage arrangement is very appealing to me, and so is swinging. Both of those deals are not as straightforward as they sound, though, especially when one partner is going to fight the idea. I still love her, and I still want it all. I want the Captain Kirk solution to my Kobayashi Maru. It's helpful to consider WHY the idea of open marriage is appealing to you. Is it because you want to have sex again, and this is the only way you can reasonably anticipate having it? It is still possible, in many marriage situations, to retain positive aspects of an association with an ex-spouse, while you forge a romantic connection with a someone else. If you were not in your present deal and had a partner with a romantic investment in you, or if you were a single man, would you still be pursue an intentionally non-monogamous primary relationship? If your partner fights the idea of having sex with you, and also fights the idea of you having sex with anyone else, how are you ahead by shifting the focus of her aversion? She's not going to take delight in your sexual expression with others - much like Mrs. Apocrypha, it will likely amplify her narrative of marital dysfunction and impossible personal failure as a romantic partner. She MIGHT then, reach out to her own partner to prove to herself that she isn't a dead fish, or she might disconnect from you more to insulate the hurt. But if it's a case where she isn't turned on by your sexual expression or needs in any aspect - then this will have a predictable result. Your needs, in foraging farther and reaching into kinks (even as a coping mechanism) will be characterized as perverse and unfair. |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 13, 2017 12:09:01 GMT -5
I love this quote:
Good one! I'm a "fortune favors the bold" type of gal. Take the risk and make things happen for yourself because nobody else will! And if you know anything about Ben, he was a serious playa |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 13, 2017 12:33:49 GMT -5
Good one! I'm a "fortune favors the bold" type of gal. Take the risk and make things happen for yourself because nobody else will! And if you know anything about Ben, he was a serious playa You know what they say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game".  |
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Consent
Jun 13, 2017 14:29:36 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ironhamster on Jun 13, 2017 14:29:36 GMT -5
I am trying to figure that out. The situation reminds me of Monty Python's Dennis Moore skit on economic justice where he declares "this wealth redistribution thing is trickier than I thought." The idea of an open marriage arrangement is very appealing to me, and so is swinging. Both of those deals are not as straightforward as they sound, though, especially when one partner is going to fight the idea. I still love her, and I still want it all. I want the Captain Kirk solution to my Kobayashi Maru. It's helpful to consider WHY the idea of open marriage is appealing to you. Is it because you want to have sex again, and this is the only way you can reasonably anticipate having it? It is still possible, in many marriage situations, to retain positive aspects of an association with an ex-spouse, while you forge a romantic connection with a someone else. If you were not in your present deal and had a partner with a romantic investment in you, or if you were a single man, would you still be pursue an intentionally non-monogamous primary relationship? If your partner fights the idea of having sex with you, and also fights the idea of you having sex with anyone else, how are you ahead by shifting the focus of her aversion? She's not going to take delight in your sexual expression with others - much like Mrs. Apocrypha, it will likely amplify her narrative of marital dysfunction and impossible personal failure as a romantic partner. She MIGHT then, reach out to her own partner to prove to herself that she isn't a dead fish, or she might disconnect from you more to insulate the hurt. But if it's a case where she isn't turned on by your sexual expression or needs in any aspect - then this will have a predictable result. Your needs, in foraging farther and reaching into kinks (even as a coping mechanism) will be characterized as perverse and unfair. Those are all good questions. I appreciate the intellectual challenge. I need it, because my thoughts about all of this have yet to congeal. |
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