Post by filtermachine on Jun 10, 2017 7:03:37 GMT -5
Hello everybody,
Long ago I was part of the EP forum. Since my divorce I've moved on. I started dating my now wife 5 years ago, and we are now expecting a baby boy! So excited.
Given that pregnancy puts a little bit of a hitch in the sex life, I've been thinking back to the ILIASM forum and what a huge role it played in my life. Without it, for all I know, I'd still be in that sexless marriage, feeling weird about being naked around each other, trying to convince my ex to sleep in bed with me rather than on the couch. Maybe I'd still be working in my former career, I've now moved into a great career and even just landed a dream job that starts soon.
I know everyone's situation is different, but mine was one with no kids. I was so deeply in love with my ex that leaving her tore me to shreds, I don't think I was fully recovered for about four years. Fortunately, my now wife was patient with me, supportive beyond expectation, and I'm feeling 'normal' these days, though my personality is starkly different than it was before. Looking back I think the root of the SM was my desire to please, and my willingness to give up things under the idea that it would 'buy' me affection, caring, and attraction. But the fact is none of those things are the fundamental drivers. Giving up on viewing myself as 'giving' was the smartest thing I've ever done--outside of leaving my former marriage.
My ex an I are completely alienated, I do not know where she is living, what she is doing, or anything. I occasionally ping her siblings to see if she is alive, but that is about it. I don't really care who she is with (if she is with anybody), where she lives, etc...for awhile I would think that I see her someplace, in a car driving past me, in a crowd, or passing down the street. I've come to learn that I am slightly face blind, so that's one half of the story. The other half is that I would feel nervous when I would think I see her. That stopped about a year ago. I feel like a totally different person these days, happy to be expecting a son, happy with my wife, and mostly happy with the direction of my life.
If you are in a SM without kids, barring any exceptional circumstance I still recommend leaving. One can completely rebuild their life, from marriage and all the way down to career. I had no trouble finding people who valued me. My wife and I have a healthy emotional, personal, and sexual relationship. Career wise I was offered PhD scholarships and pursued that, published some papers, and learned that I don't want to be a professor. Corporate life suits me just fine (well, a few culture quirks sometimes, but otherwise it is fine).
I do notice a few negative effects, like I don't have the same interest in hobbies like I used to, and am content to do less interesting things, and perhaps am more of a basic bro. I realized that most of my hobby interests (and even my previous career) were driven by a need to feel like I was special and deserving of attention. Turns out Foldgers coffee is actually not too bad. Even though I drink fancy tea, I don't fetishize the stuff, like I think I used to do to about everything! Maybe someday I'll get back to those interests when they are in closer proximity, but for now I am content to read, scroll newsfeeds, watch tv shows, work out, go to restaurants, and hang out with friends.
Anyway, I wanted to say hi to those still here from the old EP days, and encourage those able to leave.
Long ago I was part of the EP forum. Since my divorce I've moved on. I started dating my now wife 5 years ago, and we are now expecting a baby boy! So excited.
Given that pregnancy puts a little bit of a hitch in the sex life, I've been thinking back to the ILIASM forum and what a huge role it played in my life. Without it, for all I know, I'd still be in that sexless marriage, feeling weird about being naked around each other, trying to convince my ex to sleep in bed with me rather than on the couch. Maybe I'd still be working in my former career, I've now moved into a great career and even just landed a dream job that starts soon.
I know everyone's situation is different, but mine was one with no kids. I was so deeply in love with my ex that leaving her tore me to shreds, I don't think I was fully recovered for about four years. Fortunately, my now wife was patient with me, supportive beyond expectation, and I'm feeling 'normal' these days, though my personality is starkly different than it was before. Looking back I think the root of the SM was my desire to please, and my willingness to give up things under the idea that it would 'buy' me affection, caring, and attraction. But the fact is none of those things are the fundamental drivers. Giving up on viewing myself as 'giving' was the smartest thing I've ever done--outside of leaving my former marriage.
My ex an I are completely alienated, I do not know where she is living, what she is doing, or anything. I occasionally ping her siblings to see if she is alive, but that is about it. I don't really care who she is with (if she is with anybody), where she lives, etc...for awhile I would think that I see her someplace, in a car driving past me, in a crowd, or passing down the street. I've come to learn that I am slightly face blind, so that's one half of the story. The other half is that I would feel nervous when I would think I see her. That stopped about a year ago. I feel like a totally different person these days, happy to be expecting a son, happy with my wife, and mostly happy with the direction of my life.
If you are in a SM without kids, barring any exceptional circumstance I still recommend leaving. One can completely rebuild their life, from marriage and all the way down to career. I had no trouble finding people who valued me. My wife and I have a healthy emotional, personal, and sexual relationship. Career wise I was offered PhD scholarships and pursued that, published some papers, and learned that I don't want to be a professor. Corporate life suits me just fine (well, a few culture quirks sometimes, but otherwise it is fine).
I do notice a few negative effects, like I don't have the same interest in hobbies like I used to, and am content to do less interesting things, and perhaps am more of a basic bro. I realized that most of my hobby interests (and even my previous career) were driven by a need to feel like I was special and deserving of attention. Turns out Foldgers coffee is actually not too bad. Even though I drink fancy tea, I don't fetishize the stuff, like I think I used to do to about everything! Maybe someday I'll get back to those interests when they are in closer proximity, but for now I am content to read, scroll newsfeeds, watch tv shows, work out, go to restaurants, and hang out with friends.
Anyway, I wanted to say hi to those still here from the old EP days, and encourage those able to leave.
Happy for you!! 