How messed up *was* this?

My view is, TMD, that that was all about how you felt (which you can't control), rather than what you're like (which you can).

TMD, it's not as messed up as you might think. On the surface, if they "got hit by a beer truck" then you get a clean 'reset': the bad relationship is over, you didn't have to make any hard decisions - you get your freedom and nobody paints you to be the bad guy.

I think it's more about wishing for a clean slate without the messy steps it takes to get there.

Now, if you wish you were driving the beer truck... that's a different deal.

I was in the same mindset of divorce being failure. There is an extensive pattern of divorce in my family and I didn't want to add to the statistics. The low self esteem was a result of the sexlessness which led to a downward spiral to depression.

I also had several "die a heroic death" fantasies like you mentioned. They seemed like a good fantasy to have at the time: sacrifice my own life that I didn't really want anyway to save someone else who had a chance to have a happy and fulfilled life. We aren't that far apart in our thoughts.

Why matters not. When you truly understand that you will be set free.

I know a woman whose husband died unexpectedly almost a year ago. She is someone that is close to me. I was one of the ones there when he passed away, and after he passed there was a lot of deep discussion amongst us all. This newly widowed wife says out of the blue "...you know ...I can't even tell you how many times I had wished he were dead. ...did I somehow do this? Am I somehow responsible? Did my wish somehow do this to him?". Now, of course, we all reassured her. Of course no one believed that her wishful thinking had any hand in his passing. I don't believe she truly believed that she could have even had a shred of responsibility for this happening. The point is though, that her comment was just so very stunning for me to hear ... yet also very understandable. On one hand, I was taken aback that she actually said it out loud. On the other hand, I totally get it. Her marriage was rough. I don't know if it was a SM or not. He was emotionally abusive though. None of us were surprised to hear that she felt the way she did. None of us were surprised that she wished him dead at times throughout her marriage. I think we were all a bit shocked that she actually said it though. Regardless though, even though she had days where she wished he was gone, it's evident that she misses him dearly now that he truly is gone. It's just crazy. As an outsider looking in, I can see how she is just so much better off and I think that someplace deep inside of her knows that she's better off, but she still mourns the loss. Even though he was a complete and utter unbearable jerk at times, there were good parts to him. So she really struggles with losing the good parts.

There's another person I had talked to about marriage stuff and she said that she used to daydream about how her husband would die. She is now very happily divorced.

I will admit. I too have had thoughts around this sort of stuff. It's not so much that I want her dead. It's just that I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if she did die. In my roughest days though, I will admit that I have had very strong fantasies of her dying. In a way, the sad part about my thoughts surrounding it are the positive things I daydream about that would be possible if she were to pass suddenly. I don't know. To me, I think that it is normal to a degree to have these sorts of thoughts. I mean, we all probably wonder what it'd be like if our spouses died. We all probably have things in our marriages that we would like to escape. If our spouses were suddenly out of the picture due to forces outside our control, our lives would change drastically. Things that were not possible are suddenly on the table. Things that bug us are suddenly not there. ...and we didn't have to make any decision to leave. It's like a decision is made FOR us. We are free of the things that we don't like about our marriage and we don't have to really DO anything to reap the benefits. I think that sort of fantasy is easy to find yourself indulging in from time to time. I personally think it's not out of the ordinary.   It's probably not talked about often because I think we all feel bad or wrong for having such thoughts, but I think that the truth of the matter is that this sort of thinking goes on often.  Marriage is freaking rough and I refuse to believe that anyone can say that they got their "happily ever after". I think we all struggle in marriage and we all have escape fantasies from time to time, and I kind of think that the whole "death of a spouse" fantasy / thought process is simply that. It's just an escape and a fantasy to indulge in. I do think that the frequency and intensity of these sorts of fantasies certainly tell a story though. It's one thing to just kind of wonder what it'd be like if your wife unexpectedly kicked the bucket now and then. It's a completely different thing to have daily fantasies of strangling her to death. ...or to just have many moments where you truly WISH they would just die. There's also all that gray area in between the 2 extremes.

Personally, I don't see one single thing wrong with these thoughts. They are just thoughts after all. As long as they are not "plans" to do something to hurt someone, I don't see the harm and I don't personally see it as anything that I would say is messed up. I do think that these sorts of thoughts are a sign though. I think if someone really does wish that their spouse would just die on a regular basis, then I believe those are the sorts of feelings to really REALLY pay attention to. Marriage is tough, but if it's so tough that you just wish your spouse would die on a regular basis, then to me, it's time to give very serious thoughts towards leaving the relationship.

To the OP, I think it's awesome that you opened up the way you did with these ladies. I can't imagine that none of them have ever had the same thoughts you did at least to some degree. It sucks that you put yourself out there with a very honest and open thought and they didn't really reciprocate. I wasn't there, but to me, it sounds like you were brave in sharing such deep and personal stuff and they weren't up for the challenge of sharing to the same level of depth. In short, I don't think you were the only one there that felt the way you did, you were just the only one brave enough to admit it and say it out loud. For what it's worth, back to my story I opened with, I didn't really share my own thoughts about my own marriage and my thoughts about wishing my spouse was dead when this woman opened up the way she did. I was just kind of taken aback and not sure how to respond. It wasn't that I couldn't relate. I totally could. I was just not feeling brave enough to speak up at that given moment. It's possible that the response you got in your story were similar to that.

At any rate though, I'm glad to hear that you are in a better place about it all.   I'm glad you listened to those feelings and thoughts and are now taking action.   Good for you!   ...and thanks for being brave in sharing all of that. 

Haven't we all had this thought - even if fleeting?

My sister called in the middle of reading this thread. Somewhere in the the conversation, she told me her husband boasted that his doctor said he was the picture of health. I offered her my condolences, and we had a good laugh for about 5 minutes.

I have had some really deep day dreams about what I would wear to DH's funeral, how much I would cry - the things onlookers nights say: "JMX is so stoic and so strong." As tears quietly wet my face. And then, I imagine the party I would have once my grieving children fell asleep.

But! Then I think of my children and that this fantasy is only because I lack the guts to make the opposite choice to simply divorce my husband. It's a daydream that gets you out of having to be the bad guy. It continues the martyrdom.

So, I try not to dwell on that daydream too long because a.) it is clearly wrong b.) I really don't wish him ill, I mostly rather enjoy his company and c.) choice is a bitch, and while
my closet would look lovely without his clothing in it, I'd rather it be sitting in another closet outside of my zip code.

TMD - I wish for you a friend like my sister, who snot laughs with me about such dark matters.