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Post by ironhamster on Jun 10, 2017 8:17:25 GMT -5
I never wanted her dead, but, she knows I'm not happy. I wonder if she wonders about this, which explains why she won't let me give her a coratid massage on those rare occasions that she starfishes.
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Post by TMD on Jun 10, 2017 8:19:22 GMT -5
snowman12345I used to think I would never marry again. I thought ALL relationships were a farce. I've softened a little. Don't think I need a legal agreement. But wouldn't be opposed in the right situation. I'm curious, how do you protect against the AP being discovered?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2017 8:20:01 GMT -5
twotimesone , I dunno know. Is there a difference between hate and anger? In my situation, I would say that I was angry with myself. And I don't recall feeling hate toward the roommate. The difference now? I think I'm over being angry. ((Something I've been thinking a lot about the past few days; a post on topic is percolating, but didn't want to come off as preachy.)) Well...even if it sounds "preachy" forgiveness is an everyday factor of life that everyone has to deal with. A major part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. What comes next? Moving forward. |
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Post by TMD on Jun 10, 2017 8:22:04 GMT -5
It's not wishing they were dead, it's more about wishing for your freedom. Free to be yourself, and free to have that cherished and respected by someone else. A two way street. 10 months into my divorce now, and over two years ago when my W said" I detached myself from you over a year ago". (among other cold, harsh words) I have had multiple times when she leaves for a long weekend, goes off on business trips, works late, goes visits family, when I feel relief to have her gone. Like "mini" zipcode therapy. You hit nail on head. My roommate travels each week for work. I am a different person when he's not here. It's as if I can't function with him in same home. The challenge is that each time he returns, I have a mini "depression" (can't think of right word) on that day. :-( It hurts to feel that way. I don't want to devalue him. It's about me. But I don't think he'd understand that. |
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Post by TMD on Jun 10, 2017 8:23:16 GMT -5
twotimesone , I dunno know. Is there a difference between hate and anger? In my situation, I would say that I was angry with myself. And I don't recall feeling hate toward the roommate. The difference now? I think I'm over being angry. ((Something I've been thinking a lot about the past few days; a post on topic is percolating, but didn't want to come off as preachy.)) Well...even if it sounds "preachy" forgiveness is an everyday factor of life that everyone has to deal with. A major part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. What comes next? Moving forward. Forgiveness is HUGE. I think I'm there, or close, to forgiving myself. Post percolation is about anger and how insidious it is. |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 10, 2017 8:23:50 GMT -5
I'm no longer that way, TMD. I worked through a lot of issues with a psychologist about four years ago. Zipcode therapy has just given me the most amazing clarity and focus. I am back to being me and no doubt can only get stronger when we are divorced. x |
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Post by TMD on Jun 10, 2017 8:26:02 GMT -5
I don't think I wished my wife dead but a year or 2 ago we had a recall notification about corroding/rusting thru brake lines on her Subaru. I did think well I would be free. Your post made me smile. Not because of harm towards anybody, but because by the time I got to your response, I'm suddenly feeling less 'unusual' for feeling that desperate desire for freedom from this marriage. -------- Honouring one's self is soooooo critical. Just wish it hadn't taken so long to learn. |
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Post by TMD on Jun 10, 2017 8:28:24 GMT -5
That's one thing I find curious, ironhamster. Why, if we know somebody is unhappy, would we not want to do something about it? Like have a conversation? Check in? My roommate has known for years... I begged him for help. His response? Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. |
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Post by TMD on Jun 10, 2017 8:29:47 GMT -5
I'm no longer that way, TMD. I worked through a lot of issues with a psychologist about four years ago. Zipcode therapy has just given me the most amazing clarity and focus. I am back to being me and no doubt can only get stronger when we are divorced. x Grateful to read your response. I'm looking forward to reading more from you are you navigate through this process. The clarity I have (FINALLY) has been liberating. Granted, I still don't have the answers, but at least I have the resolve. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 10, 2017 9:25:16 GMT -5
That's one thing I find curious, ironhamster. Why, if we know somebody is unhappy, would we not want to do something about it? Like have a conversation? Check in? My roommate has known for years... I begged him for help. His response? Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. (Snicker) Room mate. I like that. At least mine has always had an excuse. Too exhausted after the wedding celebration, broke her tailbone on a horseback ride the first day of our honeymoon. Oral sex, a mainstay of our dating life, ended because she didn't like it. Health, periods, kids (probably the most legitimate reason,) then we got into "I'm not in the mood because you did this, or did not do this." Dayum, I tried. I bust my ass sixty hours a week at work and still help with the household chores. I've never forgotten a birthday or anniversary. I've beaten myself to death with "why". She knows I'm not happy. There is another big "why". Why does she not do anything to help a loved one that she knows is hurting? I have no answer to that, either. It is a valid question. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2017 9:33:11 GMT -5
ironhamster,
Your wife does not care that you're unhappy. It's pretty simple.
I asked the whys for the longest time. Then I realized she did not care enough about me to meet my needs.
You meet your wife's needs and she is happy. I've found it very useful to just detach and stop faking a marriage. Don't spend time with her and sleep in a separate bedroom. You're attracted to someone who does not care about you. When I realized this, the why question was to myself. Why am I staying when I'm not happy?
Why am I meeting my wife's needs and treating her so kindly? Many of us have spoiled our spouses. We have selfish bratty spouses that we created or accepted.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2017 9:36:18 GMT -5
That's one thing I find curious, ironhamster . Why, if we know somebody is unhappy, would we not want to do something about it? Like have a conversation? Check in? My roommate has known for years... I begged him for help. His response? Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. (Snicker) Room mate. I like that. At least mine has always had an excuse. Too exhausted after the wedding celebration, broke her tailbone on a horseback ride the first day of our honeymoon. Oral sex, a mainstay of our dating life, ended because she didn't like it. Health, periods, kids (probably the most legitimate reason,) then we got into "I'm not in the mood because you did this, or did not do this." Dayum, I tried. I bust my ass sixty hours a week at work and still help with the household chores. I've never forgotten a birthday or anniversary. I've beaten myself to death with "why". She knows I'm not happy. There is another big "why". Why does she not do anything to help a loved one that she knows is hurting? I have no answer to that, either. It is a valid question. Friend, (pardon my bluntness) those are not excuses. They are manipulative controlling tactics, (darvo) very strongly related to narcissism. shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/ |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 10, 2017 9:52:11 GMT -5
That's one thing I find curious, ironhamster. Why, if we know somebody is unhappy, would we not want to do something about it? Like have a conversation? Check in? My roommate has known for years... I begged him for help. His response? Nada. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. (Snicker) Room mate. I like that. At least mine has always had an excuse. Too exhausted after the wedding celebration, broke her tailbone on a horseback ride the first day of our honeymoon. Oral sex, a mainstay of our dating life, ended because she didn't like it. Health, periods, kids (probably the most legitimate reason,) then we got into "I'm not in the mood because you did this, or did not do this." Dayum, I tried. I bust my ass sixty hours a week at work and still help with the household chores. I've never forgotten a birthday or anniversary. I've beaten myself to death with "why". She knows I'm not happy. There is another big "why". Why does she not do anything to help a loved one that she knows is hurting? I have no answer to that, either. It is a valid question. Maybe it is because they know they can't help, they do not have what it takes, and what they have will never be enough to sustain that part of the relationship. I can tell you this, having been through this. If I had the same sort of issue and my wife was hurting like I am, I would ask her to seek out a third. |
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Post by Dan on Jun 10, 2017 10:08:06 GMT -5
TMD you're not alone, hon! I've had the same thought once or twice, but mostly thoughts of my own death - mainly suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are behind me. And interestingly, wishing roommate dead too. Well, a couple of weeks ago his plane was late... I did wonder what might have happened. But the thought of my kids not having their dad was deeply sad. I'm so glad you both can say these episodes are behind you. Here's my twist on this: I can't say I've had suicidal thoughts -- wanting to take my own life directly -- but I have found myself fantasizing that I might die somehow. Example: I was on a plane, feeling very down about my marriage. Then I thought "what if this plane crashed?" And it made me very happy. I couldn't for one moment think of the devastation it would cause my wife and kids. I was elated at the joy of the idea. How f'ed up is that?!?!Unlike h who identifies with it being a self-esteem issue (being unworthy of having a sexual marriage), for me, I don't think I had low self-esteem, per se. I do think I'm worthy of a healthy marriage. BUT... I strongly identified with "divorce is a failure". So me (or her) accidentally dying was an "honorable" way out of the marriage -- no divorce required! How f'ed up is that?!?!Here's a more elaborate version of my fantasy: something is about to go horribly wrong -- a child about to get hit by a bus, or some terrorist about to shoot someone in the airport -- and I rush in to save the would-be victim, and I succeed, but get killed in the process. So I save that person, I get out of my marriage without a divorce, and I even get written up as a "hero". Triple bonus!!! How f'ed up is that?!?!There is still a tiny part of me that is resisting divorce. But the other part of me holds up this type of thinking and says: "Really? Can you honestly say you want to stay married if THIS is your fantasy?" Then that first part shrinks a little more. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 10, 2017 10:17:41 GMT -5
ironhamster, Your wife does not care that you're unhappy. It's pretty simple. I asked the whys for the longest time. Then I realized she did not care enough about me to meet my needs. You meet your wife's needs and she is happy. I've found it very useful to just detach and stop faking a marriage. Don't spend time with her and sleep in a separate bedroom. You're attracted to someone who does not care about you. When I realized this, the why question was to myself. Why am I staying when I'm not happy? Why am I meeting my wife's needs and treating her so kindly? Many of us have spoiled our spouses. We have selfish bratty spouses that we created or accepted. It is just this one corner of my life that is killing me. I've been asleep and accepting this for far too long. I'm awake, now, and learning quickly. |
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