Journey

Hi itme,

I have started this journey a few years back and now I'm in a better place in terms of dealing with my emotions. Good on you for doing so. I found that being more positive helps a lot in dealing with a negative situation. 😊

Hi itme
I'd suggest you have let go of anger too. Right now she might seem a dear friend but I'd counsel that she is a false friend.

Anger and resentment - they've definitely got to go. They are not your friends and you have to work through them and discard them if you are ever to truly 'move on'.

My anger took about a year to work through; one day I realised it just wasn't there anymore.

Later, I remember sitting with a marriage guidance counsellor and her saying "Well whatever happens you are in a better place than most of the people who sit in your chair" I asked "why?" and she just said "You're not angry anymore".

Grief has to be worked through too, though for me that wasn't that big an issue.

Regret for the wasted years is the one I find most difficult and still struggle with.

Good luck, it's worth the effort

I disagree. Yes, hate and resentment need to go, but anger is healthy. Anger is a justifiable emotional response to being wronged. If handled correctly, anger leads to action to right the wrong. The only problem is when no action is taken and the anger is left to fester into resentment.

Edited to add: My goal is to get back in touch with my anger. I let mine fade into a cold, bitter resentment for too long. I need to stoke the fires and let it burn hot again. Only then will I have the strength of will to cut the bonds when the time comes. I have only decided so far when I will decide. When the time comes, I need to be prepared to burn that bridge and keeping that anger (and the justifiable reason for it)  fresh in my mind is how I intend to do it.

Count me as stalled at cold, bitter resentment ...

Hi h
I take your point - up to a point.

Anger is a natural response to a perceived threat or injustice or wrong being done to you. As such it is a useful emotional response that will enable you to defend yourself, taking action to protect yourself or to right a wrong inflicted on you.

That kind of anger is useful but it has to be of limited duration. That kind of anger should lead you to a path or a plan to get you out of the situation; once on that path, having formulated your plan, you should let go of that anger.

I believe that hanging on to your anger beyond the point of determining a response risks your anger becoming destructive - to yourself and those around you. Anger can become rage and under those circumstances your chances of thinking straight are much reduced. The desire to inflict pain and hurt on our tormentor is understandable but it risks behaviours that are counter-productive.

If people here, once they realise what has happened to them and the reality of their situation, become angry - great - use that anger to come up with a plan and then act on that plan.

Then let go of the anger; it is not your friend, it is a tool. Anger is used and then put aside.

How often do we read of divorcing couples tearing chunks out of each other in court? At huge cost to their finances and dignity. Are they thinking calmly? Or are they angry/bitter/resentful? Anger, misused, can turn and bite you very firmly on the arse.

If the people here want to resolve their situation, what they badly need is a plan to get them on to whichever path will ultimately work for them and anger may well be the spur that gets them to act but as a long-term 'friend' I stand by my original post.

Agreed, but the opposite is also true. Without those strong emotions, we get trapped in complacency and inaction. That has been my problem for the last nine years. The strong emotions that I buried for so long were what I needed to push me to action and purpose. My suppression of anger is what got me in this mess.

Happy wife happy life syndrome. Keeping the peace at all cost syndrome. The FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) syndrome.

It takes a couple of major tipping points for most of us. A forum like this is a big help. Surrounding yourself with new friends who have a healthy relationship helps.

There is going to be the ,anger, resentment, grief, and fear.  It's a process alright! Just being aware of what has happened to you, that you are a victim is half the battle.

Then comes the changing process, the healing.

Let me share a recent example. WE just had hurricane Irma hit our neighborhood. Our power is back on, It's time to drain about 5 inches off the pool. I run the hose to the street (like always) I have already been diligently cleaning the street for my neighbors who left. During the hurricane I was out at my neighbors driveway, clearing piles of debris from the gutters and drain in front of his house.  I was 100% sure the path was clear before draining the pool.
 There's a knock on the door? It's my neighbor. (the one who hasn't said a word to me in 14 yrs. The one who's teen age boys are too arrogant to hang out with my teens) He want's me to stop draining the pool because there's leaves clogging up the gutter.  I tell him, " I was heading for the back yard to turn off the pump when he came to the door, I'm done anyways".  I then inform him " I know all about your drain, I was down in your driveway cleaning it out three times during the hurricane, and the one across the street. Who do you think cleared your street and driveway so you could get home?"
  The neighbor changed the subject-like my wife does-,he said, "are you draining your whole pool? Can't you slow down the water flow?" I tell him , Like I said, I'm turning it off, I'm done, I'm only taking a few inches out".  I also know that I've never seen this guy or his sons clean or drain their pool, they hire someone to do it. So he really has no clue about what he's even talking about!
  I later wished I had also told him, "keep your gutter clear as you pile all those leaves and branches in the road, I won't keep doing it for you" .

I 've learned a lot from this divorce, SM, manipulative controller journey. I didn't put up with my neighbors SHIT for long. I got angry, yet stayed somewhat calm. I took action by putting him in his place. I doubt he will be knocking on my door anytime soon. I knew the truth. There was no problem, and there wasn't going to be any problem. 

Is there going to be anger and resentment on my part? No. Will I speak to him again? Yes. Am I aware of what I'm dealing with? very much so. I treat my neighbors like I treat  a store where I get lousy service. I only go there when I have to, any other time I go somewhere else, and avoid that place. The same will be true with my marriage and this divorce.