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Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2017 6:45:46 GMT -5
From the info that you have posted, you are married to an alcoholic whose alcohol use has wiped out his libido and possibly permanently damaged his ability to engage in intercourse unless he has an implant. He has no interest in stopping drinking or meeting your sexual needs. Indeed, he ridicules you when you say you desire to have sex with him.
You say that divorce is out of the question as you are not a person who believes in letting go.
So, the only way to solve your problem would be for you to find a way of remaining content while celibate until death do you part. Outsourcing is not an option because a divorce might occur if your husband were to catch you outsourcing.
This is the box that your rigidness has put you in. You can either change your mind about letting go or you can find a way to live a happy life with the husband you have even though he likely won't change.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 11:33:19 GMT -5
eightsandaces, you sound a LOT like me, when I first joined ILIASM on EP in January 2013. I even wrote a post about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief! My refuser had legitimate health problems. But he was not consistent about doing the things that would have improved them. And sometimes I think he might have had a problem with Rx painkillers (Percocet.) Some evenings, it was like his body was there, but not his mind or his personality. He lost interest in everything, just wanted to lie around all the time. I know he was depressed. I tried to encourage him to get help for that, too; but he was adamantly opposed to talk therapy, and didn't like the side effects of the meds he tried. It felt to me like he had decided it was time for us to live like we were 85 years old. At the time, I was in my late 40s and he was in his early 50s. I am still nowhere near ready to live the old-people's lifestyle. I'm no longer 22 and don't want to live like I am. But please don't fast-forward me 30 years into the future! I did zipcode therapy. In addition to our problems, I had trouble finding and keeping good jobs in my field in the town I lived in with him. So he and I mutually agreed that if I found a good job out of town, I would take it. I did find a job in a town about 80 miles away and moved there. For the first year, we visited every weekend. But my departure did not motivate him to work on solving the problems. After a year, we had The Talk, and I was once again free to date others. It's been 17 months since then. I hate dating, but I feel that I am no WORSE off than I was with him. What I always say: Good relationship > single > bad relationship Also, in regard to why-chasing: I was not able to move forward with my own life until I realized I no longer cared why he was refusing.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 8, 2017 19:10:24 GMT -5
I didn't drink a 12 pack of beer every night. That was too slow. I was more into boxes of wine and vodka. I did it in part to knock myself out to sleep and also to intentionally dull my libido. As you know when libido is mismatched it is hell. For me, it worked on both fronts quite effectively. I won't bore with my tale of recovery but when I stopped drinking my libido raced back with a vengeance. I did this when I decided to divorce my wife and it's been crazy since January for me. So the booze definitely affected me. And it was reversible. One question... Does he watch a lot of porn? Porn makes it difficult to become aroused from a real woman from what I understand. I can't comment on this one since it's been a few years since I've actually seen a live woman... Dammit...  |
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 10, 2017 11:53:57 GMT -5
Some evenings, it was like his body was there, but not his mind or his personality. He lost interest in everything, just wanted to lie around all the time. I know he was depressed. I tried to encourage him to get help for that, too; but he was adamantly opposed to talk therapy, and didn't like the side effects of the meds he tried. It felt to me like he had decided it was time for us to live like we were 85 years old. At the time, I was in my late 40s and he was in his early 50s. I am still nowhere near ready to live the old-people's lifestyle. I'm no longer 22 and don't want to live like I am. But please don't fast-forward me 30 years into the future! I did zipcode therapy. In addition to our problems, I had trouble finding and keeping good jobs in my field in the town I lived in with him. So he and I mutually agreed that if I found a good job out of town, I would take it. I did find a job in a town about 80 miles away and moved there. For the first year, we visited every weekend. But my departure did not motivate him to work on solving the problems. After a year, we had The Talk, and I was once again free to date others. It's been 17 months since then. I hate dating, but I feel that I am no WORSE off than I was with him. What I always say: Good relationship > single > bad relationship Also, in regard to why-chasing: I was not able to move forward with my own life until I realized I no longer cared why he was refusing. So many similarities. It is the "why" of it all that is making me crazy. Why not me? The depression he has is yet another "why" to me. Anyone would look at him in this area and think he has it made. Good looking, owns 62 acres with a giant house on top, a good job, two kids and a wife that adore him yet all he does is pine for his beloved Florida. I have to hear about it everyday of my life. Old photos, hearing about this beach and that beach and how utopic it was growing up there. He made the decision to leave it based on emotion. He had his own business there and came here to give his family more privacy. Was soon after he built this huge house with it's huge mortgage that his wife ran away, he lost his job and his parents decided to stay in Florida instead of being snow birds. You would think that instead of being stuck in the past and mourning for what you have lost he would be proud of his recovery. I have an opportunity to do the zip code therapy you have talked about. I know in my heart it will turn out exactly as you've said yours did. Did you ever have "the talk" before you left? I have tried that. I sat him down and calmly explained that sex is a basic human need, he disagreed saying that if he didn't need it and if his best friend has been without for 9 years then why does anyone? His friend is not comparable to us. He has been married 30 years and they have agreed that it is ok to be in the SM because they once had a very active sex life. The most frustrating part of this lack of sex is that there is the bones of a good relationship here. We get along so well as friends, the romance is there as well but it stops at PG-13. Even of the very few times we have actually had intercourse, he is strictly lights out, cover up and no facing each other. Sure isn't appealing but doesn't take away the desire. |
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 10, 2017 17:19:47 GMT -5
I could not be more frustrated right now. After a long talk Friday he gave in somewhat (a tiny bit) and said we could start with maybe some spicy text messages. This morning seemed hopeful when he texted and said ,"I'm turning on the ac tonight so you will snuggle". I wrote back "and then what?" His response "😘". I said, " snuggle n kiss? Anything else?" Him:"that's not enough?" What am I in the third grade? He can't possibly be this dumb! I'm so sick and tired of him ever dangling the carrot. Nothing but false promises. Give me a hammer I'm about to smash my brains in! Honestly how do I respond to this?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2017 18:04:13 GMT -5
You respond by realizing you never will have the sex life you want with him. Then you take the steps under your control to live the life you want. You can not control or change your husband.
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 10, 2017 20:48:33 GMT -5
You respond by realizing you never will have the sex life you want with him. Then you take the steps under your control to live the life you want. You can not control or change your husband. Well if you feel this way there is a good chance he sees it that way too. Maybe I am still caught up in the "whys" of it all but one thing for sure is that no one who feels unappreciated for who they are is ever going to feel sexy. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2017 21:07:24 GMT -5
"No one who feels unappreciated for who they are is ever going to feel sexy"
I take it you mean with there rejecting spouse? The odds of that being true are very high.
Feeling sexy again with someone else who will treat you with the respect, intimacy, and desire that you deserve, is also highly probable.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 11, 2017 5:03:15 GMT -5
Someone who feels unappreciated by their mate may not feel sexy with their mate but may feel very sexy with another person.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 12, 2017 20:03:00 GMT -5
Stage of Acceptance: It's fine, I'm past it. I'll just masturbate when I feel the need. He provides me a nice income, nice home, takes me out, is romantic, loves to snuggle, everything a woman would want right? Well that feeling fades quickly and on come the feelings of shame and rejection which ultimately bring me to where I am stuck which is... That was an awesome post, but I don't think what you wrote above is the stage of acceptance. Acceptance comes when the anger starts to subside a little and you slap yourself on the forehead and think, 'Doh! I am living with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me, has no interest in having sex with me and is not ever going to want to have sex with me (except just maybe on the odd occasion when they feel particularly threatened or excited or possibly drunk). Shit! Now what do I do?' That is acceptance, and it usually comes after a considerable amount of trying to figure out how to change things and turn our partners into somebody they aren't. |
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 13, 2017 11:46:20 GMT -5
Someone who feels unappreciated by their mate may not feel sexy with their mate but may feel very sexy with another person. If you are insinuating that he's cheating, he's not but you probably have no idea how much I wish that were true. If it were true I could walk away with my head held high. I could get understanding, empathy or even sympathy from others. I would be free of the thoughts that say it's just me and I'm just too whatever. I'd have an appropriate place to place my anger, their fault, not mine for doing nothing more than simply wanting a sexual relationship with my husband. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 13, 2017 16:43:27 GMT -5
No, eightsandaces, I wasn't insinuating he is cheating. From what you describe, he's an alcoholic whose libido probably has been permanently wiped out because of his drinking. I'd be surprised if he could get a hard on.
He doesn't need to be a cheater for you to have reason to walk away from your marriage. He seems like a horrible husband and companion. You could choose to leave him because you're unhappy in your marriage. From how you describe him, I don't know why you'd care to have sex with him or why you'd want to continue having him in your life.
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