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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 7, 2017 16:02:07 GMT -5
Hello all, am new here. While I am thrilled at finding this forum, words cannot express the grief I have been living out for the past five years. It's such a long story how I came to live with a SM but I can sum it all up by outlining it with Kubler Ross stages.
Stage of Denial: "He couldn't have ED that badly and even if he does then it's just a question of taking some pills and keeping an open mind. We'll talk about sex a lot, he's my best friend, and he loves me so much that it's enough. It's the kids fault. They can hear us, he doesn't want to have sex with his adult son in the room above us. I can deal with having it maybe once a month, once every other month, once every three months....etc."
Stage of Bargaining: "Well, it's me, I'll be seductive. That didn't work because I'm too pushy. Okay then I'm too fat, all my fault...after a lot of weight loss he's still not touching me, ok it's not that...I know! The ED just make him lose all his confidence about performance! I try talking about it over and over and tell him (sorry if graphic here), it's totally ok honey, I'll be so happy to give you an awesome BJ if you lose your erection, as a matter of fact, if you never obtain one that's ok too, just tell me that you are feeling in the mood and I'll take care of you, just relax and let me take care of you." Well, that plan had two outcomes, either A. he would fall asleep in the middle of the bj or B. he gets satisfaction, rolls over and sleeps without even saying good night.
Stage of Depression: Who would not feel this way knowing that he and his ex wife used to get it on quite frequently and it was HIM that begged HER for sex! She told him that if he really needed it that much to go get a girlfriend. This was about a month before she abandoned him and their children and was never heard from again.
Stage of Acceptance: It's fine, I'm past it. I'll just masturbate when I feel the need. He provides me a nice income, nice home, takes me out, is romantic, loves to snuggle, everything a woman would want right? Well that feeling fades quickly and on come the feelings of shame and rejection which ultimately bring me to where I am stuck which is...
Stage of ANGER! I yell and snap and everything and everyone. I can't understand this gaslighting. I tell him I need sex, he tells me that I just want dick and not the respectable love he is offering. He waits until I get enraged because of needing sex then he dangle the carrot of "I'll see the doctor and get more pills." They do NOT work. We've been through all of them. Even the daily kind. Creams, lotions, toys, pumps, testosterone supplements, etc. My closet looks like a porn stars locker room! Why won't you have the surgery? OMG he replies, "you might as well ask me to wear a strap on!" Ok we'll see a therapist. Two of them now later and he still won't talk about the real issue. The last therapist says, "oh you'd be surprised to see how many couples have off balanced sex lives" and then moves on to talk about H and how he is feeling which is nothing more than, "Oh poor me, life has me beaten down. I'm in kind of a rut. My job isn't the best." For God's sake! Maybe if you didn't drink a 12 pack of beer everyday, maybe if you gave your wife sex once every six months or so, maybe if you had some passion for something in your life besides beer we might have a life!
If you read this long rant, I thank you. If you have any advice I am all ears.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2017 16:08:00 GMT -5
I wish I had decent advice. Sorry you are going through this. (Hugs)
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Post by nancyb on Jun 7, 2017 16:33:39 GMT -5
eightsandaces: Welcome to the ILIASM forum. I hope you find support and solace here.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2017 17:02:26 GMT -5
eightsandaces, I know what you mean. I went through all the stages many many times over 28 years of marriage, but never in the typical order of the stages. I think it is because the situation never was resolved, and I kept hoping against hope that maybe, someday, she would want to make changes. Of course, she never did. Only when I moved out was I really able to accept that this was the person I married. I do have to tell you this... I never made any real progress until I stopped wondering why she acted like she did and started asking myself why I accepted her behavior. I don't know if your H's behavior rose to the same level of abuse that my wife's behavior did, but I really had to take a long look at myself and decide that I had enough value that I did not have to be treated that way any more.
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 7, 2017 17:26:15 GMT -5
Thanks so much for understanding. I've been told by my husband also that people over 50 should not want sex any more anyway, I can see that is clearly not the case here. If I try to tell him that his lack of desire hurts me he will usually start crying, claim to have never wanted to hurt me and call himself a worthless piece of crap. He will then make yet another doctor appointment. The last doctor flat out asked him, "Do you ever feel aroused?" to which he said no. That's a hard pill for me to swallow, I don't even arouse him. I'm even angry at my own hormones, why in the hell must I still want sex? I've had a complete hysterectomy and was actually looking forward to having a decreased sex drive, no luck. I do know that I cannot go on this way for sure. I'll end up committing murder or suicide.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2017 18:21:18 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in what we call, Opposite Land, the world of having ended my marriage with my refuser. I have been fortunate enough to find a loving, passionate partner, but even if that hadn't happened, I still would be happier divorced that to continue to feel depressed, angry and humiliated due to the constant rejection and lack of physical and emotional intimacy that had become the state of my decades-long marriage.
I am mid 60s, and can add to the testimonies here that sex indeed can continue for people over 60. My partner uses medication, and is happy to take that medication so he can have sex.
In your situation, I wonder whether your husband's 12 pack of beer a night is a reason that none of the medical interventions worked. Drinking so much alcohol also may have wiped out his libido. There's a woman who posts here who decided to end a longterm relationship because her partner got addicted to prescription pain medication, lost his libido and refused to get any help. It was, understandably, a very difficult decision for her to leave the man she still loved.
Unfortunately, it's not possible to force or cajole someone into sexually desiring one or offering the kind of mutually satisfying sex that most people want in a romantic relationship or marriage. Since you can't change him, your only choices are to remain celibate in the marriage; remaining married, but having affairs with or without your husband's knowledge or you can divorce, thus setting yourself free to find the kind of love you'd hoped to have with your husband.
A lawyer can give you information that would help you decide whether divorce is an option for you. Individual therapy -- and reading this site -- can help you figure out which of the options would best meet your needs.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jun 7, 2017 18:23:49 GMT -5
I have one question. How did you find out about his sex life with his ex wife. Ya know the whole 'him begging her for sex' thing? Did SHE tell you this?
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Post by Dan on Jun 7, 2017 19:40:26 GMT -5
A related post from a few months ago: " Phases" |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 7, 2017 19:43:50 GMT -5
Oh dear. and SO WELL WRITTEN. Thank you eightsandaces for putting into words what we all go through. I fear he has damage buried so deep that he's never dealt with it and his easiest response is to blame you. Tell you it's your fault. It is NOT your fault. I say that knowing it takes two and you have done everything you can, but he has not dealt with the issue at the core of the problem and it's easier for him to blame you than face the reality of what he has dealt with in his life, possibly at a very young age. Or I could be completely wrong, but it doesn't make sense. Sounds like he's going to a crappy counselor that is telling him exactly what he wants to hear. I CALL BULLSHIT! To echo flashjohn: Do be sure you are working on yourself, and caring for yourself. In the end YOU are the only person YOU can rely on. YOU are your own savior and only YOU can change who you are. You can't change him, only he can. Save yourself, even if all he can do is sit back and watch. DON'T let him destroy who you are. YOU are a beautiful person inside and out. He's damaged beyond repair and only he can make the decision to change. (((HUGS))) |
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 7, 2017 19:54:30 GMT -5
I have one question. How did you find out about his sex life with his ex wife. Ya know the whole 'him begging her for sex' thing? Did SHE tell you this? He told me about it when we were dating. She vanished about a month after we started seeing each other but her sister and I spoke and she confirmed it saying that she and her sister were raised to believe sex in marriage is for procreation only. My husband said he was aware of this when they married but thought it would change. |
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Post by eightsandaces on Jun 7, 2017 20:05:41 GMT -5
In your situation, I wonder whether your husband's 12 pack of beer a night is a reason that none of the medical interventions worked. Drinking so much alcohol also may have wiped out his libido. There's a woman who posts here who decided to end a longterm relationship because her partner got addicted to prescription pain medication, lost his libido and refused to get any help. It was, understandably, a very difficult decision for her to leave the man she still loved. I really hope that woman sees my post, I'd love her input. The alcohol for certain is a problem. He was a big drinker from day one but he did seem to have an interest in sex back then. Now there is none. I did try going to Alanon for a few months, it was so emotionally draining for me and I couldn't get past step one which is to let go and let god. Letting go isn't in my nature. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2017 20:13:05 GMT -5
"However long-term alcohol abuse affects the nervous system and impairs the impulses between the brain's pituitary gland and the genitals. The nervous system is responsible for triggering the signals that dilate and relax the blood vessels in the penis, resulting in an erection. Clinical studies have shown that prolonged abuse causes irreversible damage to the nerves in the penis, which results in alcohol-induced erectile dysfunction. Excessive drinking also results in behavioral changes that reduce sexual desire and inhibit sexual performance. Concentration and judgment become cloudy and physical activity and movement are impaired. Alcoholism also disrupts hormone levels, in particular, testosterone and estrogen. Low levels of testosterone diminish sexual drive and function. It's not surprising then, given these facts, that excess alcohol consumption often produces budding "super-studs" who end up being "all talk and no action! Depression, stress and anxiety are often cited as reasons for excessive drinking. But these same psychological factors are also leading causes of impotence. So it should come as no surprise that heavy drinkers are more susceptible to alcohol impotence. " www.impotence-guide.com/alcohol-impotence.html |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jun 7, 2017 20:14:38 GMT -5
I have one question. How did you find out about his sex life with his ex wife. Ya know the whole 'him begging her for sex' thing? Did SHE tell you this? He told me about it when we were dating. She vanished about a month after we started seeing each other but her sister and I spoke and she confirmed it saying that she and her sister were raised to believe sex in marriage is for procreation only. My husband said he was aware of this when they married but thought it would change. So the sister confirmed that his ex didn't like sex, but there's only his word that he was begging for it. I say BS. His history with you says otherwise. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 7, 2017 20:55:04 GMT -5
In your situation, I wonder whether your husband's 12 pack of beer a night is a reason that none of the medical interventions worked. Drinking so much alcohol also may have wiped out his libido. There's a woman who posts here who decided to end a longterm relationship because her partner got addicted to prescription pain medication, lost his libido and refused to get any help. It was, understandably, a very difficult decision for her to leave the man she still loved. I really hope that woman sees my post, I'd love her input. The alcohol for certain is a problem. He was a big drinker from day one but he did seem to have an interest in sex back then. Now there is none. I did try going to Alanon for a few months, it was so emotionally draining for me and I couldn't get past step one which is to let go and let god. Letting go isn't in my nature. Letting go is important. Letting God, well, that's entirely up to you, but in my own life, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE THE CHANGE. God supports, should you believe. Letting go allows you the FREEDOM to move forward. Part of that may involve forgiveness. Start with YOU. Forgive yourself for letting this go on as long as it has. You have the power. SNAP! Sorry, this just started to go through my head... |
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2017 22:42:31 GMT -5
The 5 stages of grief are particularly relevant to ILIASM shitholes, as we grieve for "what was", and as often as not "what never was". Either way, the realisation comes at some point that you have to deal with "what IS". And how you deal with "what IS" is entirely your call. You stay (with or without the cheating variant) or You leave. Entirely your choice which path you choose, they are both perfectly legitimate options. The discussions here may help your decision making process Sister eightsandaces - or they may provide you with no help whatsoever. |
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