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Post by twotimesone on Jun 7, 2017 4:19:27 GMT -5
Great forum, but curious what you guys think.
I rather not get to a long story about my marriage. Sex used to be good but the only thing that I get is starfish sex, if I beg my wife long enough. Too late for a divorce as kids got in the way, but I am planning to once when my kids go or finish college.
Probably in the last 2 years, I've been seeing providers who perform GFE sex and it has been keeping my sanity okay so far. Financially, I am doing okay, I have no debt and I go to do my hobby once or maybe twice a month. Plus my wife don't care what I do with my money as we have separate checking accounts.
The problem is that I am afraid of getting caught because of the time it takes to do the deed as well as taking public transportation of going to and back. Second, what if I want to stay in a place overnight? Do I tell her the truth? Just curious of your opinions. Thanks.
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2017 5:14:32 GMT -5
What is the worst possible outcome you can envisage *if* you got caught ?
The absolute worst thing you can think of.
What would that be ?
I mean, what the fuck is she going to do ? Cut you off sexually ? She's already done that.
Divorce ? Would that necessarily be a bad thing longer term ?
Go ballistic and make your life a misery ? (this is a highly likely scenario. But it only works if you'll cop it - which you don't have to do).
What do you fear ?
Incidently, unless you are extremely careless, your risk of detection is not high.
If you are taking PT, get off a staion early, or a station late, vary your route, and your timing.
And dream up some credible reason why you are going out - and keep it up your sleeve.
Tell her ?
No.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Jun 7, 2017 5:23:19 GMT -5
I'm confused. You are asking the question " if I want to stay overnight do I tell her the truth?" just after lamenting your fear of being caught in your bi-monthly escapades(?)
If you are considering being up front with her then best do it now rather than live in fear.
Of course you do run the very real risk of being kicked out of the marital home....
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 7, 2017 6:02:42 GMT -5
Wait, your using public transportation, if yours is like the Metro system in DC, since you almost have to use the electronic cards, there is a very easily to access record of your transit.
Have you looked into what would happen where you are and what the affect the adultery would have on your divorce?
In Maryland, while it eliminates the requirement for the 1 year separation, it gives the other party entitlement to ask for alimony.
The worst part is the lawyer doesn't have to prove the actual act took place, just the time and intent.
I suspect you are also not covering your other digital trails.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 7, 2017 6:07:22 GMT -5
I wouldn't stay in the place overnight. Too risky.
Never tell.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 7, 2017 6:17:16 GMT -5
Extra marital activity.... No matter what kind, it makes you different than you were prior to the activity.
You are feeling some guilt? Yet you want to expand the activity to over nights with your playmate.
This may not be the place to look for alibi advice. It is probably a better fit here to deal with the ambiguity you feel.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 7, 2017 6:59:04 GMT -5
If this forum does nothing else it keeps me up to date with new terminology relating to sex. Girl Friend Experience sounds like a more emotionally fulfilling experience to getting one's needs met than a simple transactional approach.
My response to your question is how do you think your W. is likely to respond to your dalliance? She may not care so much where a manageable % of your money goes, she may react quite differently if she finds out where your penis is going. Is she likely to take this personally and if she does is her response likely to be volcanic? You know your W. better than we do. Your fear of getting caught provides your answer. It probably won't be pretty.
The general experience here is that the vast majority of spouses will not countenance the other spouse poking about in a 3rd parties privates. It doesn't matter that your spouse has no interest in sex with you. She probably will be keenly interested if she finds out you are farming out the sex to a subcontractor and I don't mean interested in a good way.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2017 7:59:58 GMT -5
"Too late for a divorce as kids got in the way, but I am planning to once when my kids go or finish college. "
If you really believe that you should not divorce now because of your kids, then you need to stop having extramarital sex. Has it not occurred to you that your kids could find out about your affairs? When I was a teen, I stumbled upon evidence that my dad was having an affair. I never told him. It was devastating to realize that the man I admired could do such a thing. I have 2 other friends who as children or teens learned their parents were having affairs. None of them ever told their parents.
Also, if your wife finds out or goes ballistic if you choose to tell her, then she's likely to tell your kids and many others. This would be far more hurtful to your kids than your divorcing your wife without mentioning an affair.
To me, it seems you want everything -- a nice extramarital relationship with sleepover privileges while you remain in what looks to outsiders like a great marriage. I doubt you can have your cake and eat it too the way you want it. You can choose to continue your affair while feeling guilty and scared of being caught or you can choose to tell your wife (who's very likely to blow up or be heartbroken, and that will affect your relationship with your wife and children) or you can choose to divorce without mentioning the affair. It is very unrealistic to think that if you tell your wife, she'll be accepting, your kids will never find out , and life at home will go on as usual until the day you decide to divorce.
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Post by McRoomMate on Jun 8, 2017 8:47:01 GMT -5
Honesty is above causing pain and hurt to wife and children?
I am not so convinced.
If you want to divorce and end it now - then why wait? "Staying together for the children" - not so nice. If you think you can really "work it out" between the two of you then all the better.
And to be clear I am certainly more guilty than most - I am speaking from experience not moral judgment.
And outsourcing to professionals for GFE ... is that really solving anything or is it just a temporary fix and coping mechanism? Curing symptoms rather than causes is what it sounds like to me and that gets old and exhausting.
Imagine you are in a HEALTHY and LOVING relationship, then your life should normally be a million times better - even taking into account the pain a divorce will inevitably cause to your children - rather than miserable in a marriage and outsourcing to professionals.
None of this is based on some "holier than thou" moralizing - I am doing my utmost to be objective and pragmatic here.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2017 11:50:27 GMT -5
My question is not "how" to tell her, but "why" tell her.
Unless you are honestly OK with the fallout...and I mean *honestly*...I think it would be stupid to tell her.
My recommendations (for what they're worth):
1 - End the marriage now. Staying together for the kids just sets a bad example for them of what marriage is supposed to be like. You can still be a good dad if you are not with them full time.
2 - Since I know it's not easy to "just end the marriage," keep on outsourcing, DON'T tell her...and don't get greedy. No overnights unless a really good opportunity falls into your hands (example, refuser takes kids to visit grandma.)
Be discreet.
I don't think you can have everything you want. If you want total freedom in your sex life, you will have to go through the torture of being honest and ending the marriage upfront.
If you want the marriage, you will have limits set on your sex life.
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Post by twotimesone on Jun 8, 2017 21:28:19 GMT -5
Thanks for replying everyone. Interesting set of answers here. Northstarmom, I'm not sure that this is a great marriage. I tried convincing her to go to couples therapy or some kind of counseling but she doesn't think we need it. Made a few suggestions about just me and her going out while having someone else watch the kids but she refused. I feel that we are more like housemates rather than a family at this point. Wife always blame on me on what's happening and badmouthing about me in front of the kids. Not abusive towards or hit my kids or my wife.
McRoomMate, worksforme2 probably more like a coping mechanism to me. At this point, I'm not really looking for love but rather a more emotional fulfilling experience rather than looking to get hitched with someone else.
smartkat, thanks for your response. I am trying to be discreet about it. At times I get off work early and just do my thing and get back home about 1 hour or 2 later and not tell my wife anything. She didn't see to care. Not sure what she thinks at this point. Thanks again.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2017 21:33:27 GMT -5
Two times one, I didn't say it's a great marriage. I said you are clinging to what looks to others like a great marriage. sounds like an unsatisfactory marriage to me. But you say divorce is out of the question.... You are stuck. I doubt that your wife will agree to your having sleepovers with your partner. She probably will opt for divorce while trashing your Rep.
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Post by twotimesone on Jun 8, 2017 22:59:05 GMT -5
Two times one, I didn't say it's a great marriage. I said you are clinging to what looks to others like a great marriage. sounds like an unsatisfactory marriage to me. But you say divorce is out of the question.... You are stuck. I doubt that your wife will agree to your having sleepovers with your partner. She probably will opt for divorce while trashing your Rep. I know. At this point, it is not really trashing my rep. I have my friends. She has her friends. If I do get divorced my side of the family will be understanding. Another reason is financial reason. She will probably get the kids and I will be broke, even if I make twice the amount of money than her. At least I can hobby and we don't ask each other how much money do we have in the bank. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2017 7:09:45 GMT -5
Have you talked to a lawyer to find out how a divorce would shake out?
In truth, divorce is a loss for both spouses. I am living with less money and savings. I have a more modest lifestyle. I prefer the life I'm living now to being in my arid prison of a marriage. I divorced when I realized I'd rather be alone living in a rented room than to remain lonely in my dream house. My living arranges didn't change that drastically but if they had, I'd still believe I'd made the right decision.
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Post by baza on Jun 9, 2017 8:00:48 GMT -5
It is like that Mark Manson article referenced in a different thread today.
In it, Manson notes that a lot of people 'want' things - say, to be rich.
But they are not prepared to work 60+ hours a week, live frugally now, follow a disciplined investment strategy etc to bring this want into actuality.
They are not prepared to do the work or pay the price.
Like people in an ILIASM shithole want a great relationship.
But they are not prepared to get out of the dud deal they are in so this want can be pursued.
They are not prepared to do the work or pay the price.
Not being prepared to do the work or pay the price is, of course, a perfectly valid choice.
There is no point however, in complaining about the consequences of that choice.
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