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Post by Caris on Jun 4, 2017 10:49:42 GMT -5
Will I suffer more by going to the funeral (where it appears that I am not wanted), or by not going to the funeral where my heart/being wants to be?
I am listening/reading Buddha's teachings, and I want to cause no more suffering to others than what they already bear. However, I am also suffering, and I don't want to add to my own, either. After all, I was the one who lived with him every day for 25-years.
Apart from being alone at the funeral, will it be crushing to see the "Stars and Stripes" folded and presented to someone else when I was the one who went through hell and highwater with him for 25-years? Will I crumble when they play taps, and no one there to hold me or support me? Will my suffering be more than it is now because I'll stand alone in my grief?
Not being wanted is a horrible thing – as we all know on this forum – but compounded by grief, will it really be too much to bear alone? This is what I'm grappling with today.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 4, 2017 10:57:46 GMT -5
What about your children? Won't they be there? Won't they sit with you?
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Post by TMD on Jun 4, 2017 11:16:01 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this for days.
Growing up, we had very close family friends. Parents and their daughter and son, both of whom were same age as me and my sister, respectively.
When I was about 8 or 9, the whole family, along with a set of grandparents, were in a car accident while traveling in the mountains. Uncle John and Philip were killed.
My auntie was in serious condition, and almost didn't survive. She was not able to be at the funeral of her son or her husband. She needed to be there.
Saying goodbye is an important part of the grieving process. Given your posts of last few days, I feel that you should go. But with caveat that your children are there for you too. That they are by your side. Wear a hat, sunglasses and grieve. You have the right to do so.
Or, at the very least, could you arrange your own private viewing, if there is one? Show up to funeral late, find a place in the back, slip out before his judgmental family has a chance to even glance your way?
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Post by lyn on Jun 4, 2017 11:51:36 GMT -5
I agree with TMD. Wear your armor (I.e. Hat, glasses), slip in - pay your respects, slip out. Afterwards, maybe spend some time with your children - then get back on a plane and go home. You may regret not going. This is an opportunity that will not return. Possibly the horribly unkind in-laws will act like compassionate humans on this day. If not, then, there own miserable lives will go on and you won't need to see them again. I'm so sorry you're going through this. xx |
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Post by Caris on Jun 4, 2017 12:38:26 GMT -5
I can't slip in and out. It's a military funeral at the gravesite, and why should I have to be covert? I've hidden myself away for too long, and put myself on the back burner for decades. I won't do that anymore, but I also know how emotionally fragile I am right now, and I'm still recovering from the marriage/divorce and a full blown breakdown, which I had to recover from by myself with no help or support.
My mind still works on slo-mo since then, but last month I knew I had reached a milestone in my recovery. My mental health must be my number one priority, and anything that jeopardizes my progress must be avoided. I think I just gave myself the answer.
Thank you.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 4, 2017 12:48:53 GMT -5
I think you should go too.
The hardest thing for me is regret and to look back and say "I should have ..."
Don't leave yourself open to regret.
As far as the people not wanting you there, screw them. He was your husband and the father of your children. Your children may need your strength and presence too.
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Post by Caris on Jun 4, 2017 13:11:35 GMT -5
I think you should go too. The hardest thing for me is regret and to look back and say "I should have ..." Don't leave yourself open to regret. As far as the people not wanting you there, screw them. He was your husband and the father of your children. Your children may need your strength and presence too. My children won't be there. I intend to fly to London soon to be with the youngest, but even that is all up in the air. I must reserve my savings as it's all I've got to put food on the table until I can find work. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 4, 2017 13:25:39 GMT -5
I think you should go too. The hardest thing for me is regret and to look back and say "I should have ..." Don't leave yourself open to regret. As far as the people not wanting you there, screw them. He was your husband and the father of your children. Your children may need your strength and presence too. My children won't be there. I intend to fly to London soon to be with the youngest, but even that is all up in the air. I must reserve my savings as it's all I've got to put food on the table until I can find work. Since your children won't be there then I wouldn't go to save the money which I think is a good idea if you are on a tight budget. I would send flowers if you feel like it can be a way to have presence their for yourself without breaking the budget and that may be enough closure. Only you know what's best for yourself. |
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 4, 2017 14:53:30 GMT -5
Caris - my condolences to you and your family. Although you were already divorced that does not negate the 25 year connection. You have never expressed hatred for him, at least not to my knowledge.
Should you go to the graveside services? That is difficult to say. Funerals are for the living, the dead are not concerned with our traditions. If you need to be there to finally let him go then you should attend for your sake. His other family members response to you is their burden, they can be gracious or spiteful but the choice is theirs.
If you can close the chapter of your life with him based on his death then there is no overriding reason to attend the funeral. Send condolences to his other family and continue with your present life. Seek what comfort that you can from your sons, support them if they need it. Rely on your friends online if you need to express your grief, either in a thread or a PM. The downside of living long is to have to say a final goodbye to so many we have loved.
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Post by Caris on Jun 4, 2017 17:10:02 GMT -5
Caris - my condolences to you and your family. Although you were already divorced that does not negate the 25 year connection. You have never expressed hatred for him, at least not to my knowledge. Should you go to the graveside services? That is difficult to say. Funerals are for the living, the dead are not concerned with our traditions. If you need to be there to finally let him go then you should attend for your sake. His other family members response to you is their burden, they can be gracious or spiteful but the choice is theirs. If you can close the chapter of your life with him based on his death then there is no overriding reason to attend the funeral. Send condolences to his other family and continue with your present life. Seek what comfort that you can from your sons, support them if they need it. Rely on your friends online if you need to express your grief, either in a thread or a PM. The downside of living long is to have to say a final goodbye to so many we have loved. Jim, you are right. In my time from EP onwards, I have only spoken in terms of how the rejection affected me. I never wanted to badmouth him or cause him humiliation. It's not my nature. I'm very protective of those whom I love, even when they've hurt me. I think I've come to a certain peace in my decision not to go. It still pulls on me to look at flights, but that would be so rushed now, and very expensive. Like I wrote on SW, he didn't want me in life, so why would he want me in death? I still love him as my husband of 25-years, and he's my family. We went through things together that only we know about (well just me now), so yes that 25-year connection counts for a lot. 27-years in total he was part of my life...a huge part...but it does no good to upset those he's been with for the past two-years, although we kept in touch, and he even spent a week with me. He kept me on his phone plan, his AAA, B&N card, and his Hulu account. It was like he wanted to keep a certain connection with me, and I wanted that too. It gave me a sense of security knowing he was still there in the world. If it was only a few hours drive, that would make a difference, but it's two flights away. There is a quote by Auden: "If equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me." If my presence causes upset to those who love him too, then I'll step back, and find my own way to honor him. Thank you so much. |
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Post by TMD on Jun 4, 2017 22:28:36 GMT -5
Caris, your mental health is most important. Wishing you peace and a way to closure that satisfies and heals.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2017 23:48:43 GMT -5
Three different anecdotes about attending funerals. #1 - when my mother died, and involving Ms enna and my former missus. When I told my ex missus about the funeral arrangements she hinted that she would probably not attend "if that woman (Ms enna) was going". I was inclined to call her bluff on it, but Ms enna circumvented the whole thing. She said - "look, X has been the D.I.L. for many years and is also the mother of the grandkids so she should attend. I've been with you only a couple of years. If you desperately want me to attend I will but it makes more sense for me not to go". Ms enna did not attend. #2 - when my ex missus died and involving Ms enna and me. It would not have been appropriate for Ms enna to have attended. It was probably *optional* whether I did or not. But I had my kids to support emotionally and logistically through this period and I ended up being actively involved in the planning of the big event. So I attended. #3 - Ms enna's mothers funeral. Ms enna's ex husband had a long history with enna's mother right up to her death. For reasons best known to himself, he wasn't my biggest fan though we had never met or spoken. If my attendance at this show was going to tread on his toes then I figured it best to give it a miss. I didn't go. This is apropos of nothing really Sister CarisThere's no "right" answer |
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Post by WindSister on Jun 5, 2017 10:36:55 GMT -5
Three different anecdotes about attending funerals. #1 - when my mother died, and involving Ms enna and my former missus. When I told my ex missus about the funeral arrangements she hinted that she would probably not attend "if that woman (Ms enna) was going". I was inclined to call her bluff on it, but Ms enna circumvented the whole thing. She said - "look, X has been the D.I.L. for many years and is also the mother of the grandkids so she should attend. I've been with you only a couple of years. If you desperately want me to attend I will but it makes more sense for me not to go". Ms enna did not attend. #2 - when my ex missus died and involving Ms enna and me. It would not have been appropriate for Ms enna to have attended. It was probably *optional* whether I did or not. But I had my kids to support emotionally and logistically through this period and I ended up being actively involved in the planning of the big event. So I attended. #3 - Ms enna's mothers funeral. Ms enna's ex husband had a long history with enna's mother right up to her death. For reasons best known to himself, he wasn't my biggest fan though we had never met or spoken. If my attendance at this show was going to tread on his toes then I figured it best to give it a miss. I didn't go. This is apropos of nothing really Sister Caris There's no "right" answer Each situation is so very different, true. As much as I have complained about having to deal with my husband's ex-wife, fact is, all that inner work I did means we have an actual okay relationship. I can see her attending my MIL's funeral (and me, I am actually really close to his mom now), I can see me being at hers (her kids would invite me, my husband said he's sure of that and knowing his kids, I believe it) or her being at my husband's (and I would actually be okay with that). Damn. How did I get here? I guess that's positive growth. Sorry if I am insensitive for commenting on this here, it's just a lot to think about and I think it's important we do think about it. But, Caris -- I am sorry for your pain and loss. Truly. I just wish for you to take care of yourself and do what feels best/most peaceful in your own heart without worrying so much how others take things. For the financial piece alone it sounds like not going is best in your situation. Yes, definitely honor him in a meaningful way - meaningful to you and what you know of him. Love, peace and healing to you..... |
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Post by Caris on Jun 7, 2017 16:58:43 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone for your input. I decided to go at the very last minute, after reading his obituary that someone sent me.
It was a crazy mad dash for flights, hotel, taxis, delayed flights, luggage going here and there, but I made it just minutes before it started.
I then took another flight to stay with an old friend for a few days. So here I am resting and mourning in my own way. Life will never be the same without him, but time will heal. 😥
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Post by TMD on Jun 7, 2017 18:35:18 GMT -5
I admire you. I'd admire you, regardless of your choice. But at this moment, I imagine it took great strength to be there. I'm glad you have time with a friend; I hope you give yourself many opportunities to nourish your being. Wishing you peace as you navigate a new stage in your journey.
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