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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 2:22:00 GMT -5
This is my first post. I married my H a little over 7 months ago. Haven't had sex in about 9 months. And only once, maybe twice, in the last year. My H is 11 years older than me, I'm 28. I'm a 28 year old newly wed who has never had sex with her husband. It's so depressing. We've been together 4 years. He used to refuse me starting in year 2. He claimed he was tired and his back hurt from working. I became so depressed. I would beg and ask why, but I was the weird one. Sex wasn't the priority. Work and responsibilities were. I thought it was just his stress and that things would get better. We were moving so I thought, it'll be better once we move. We moved and it was the same! Maybe once every couple months. I used to tell him, hello I'm in my sexual prime! This is torture! But he was tired or stressed. Then he quit his job to start a new one. It will get better when the new job starts, less stress, he would tell me. So I waited! Then a close family member passed away, so I knew not to even ask! That's when we got engaged, and shortly after, married. I was in school also, so I was distracted with a busy curriculum. I thought, once we are married and I graduate we'll both have less stress and more time. But here we are and nothing has changed. I've brought up the issue numerous times and it just gets swept under the rug. It's important to add that over the course of the years he has put on over 100 pounds. He was overweight from the start but it didn't limit our sex. Now there is only one position we can do and it's not intimate at all! It doesn't last long, and truthfully I don't want it! He tried saying we need to start trying again. But I said no! We have many more communication and emotional issues to work on before having sex again! He came on to me one time after going out and drinking alone. I'm not turned on if you only want me bc you're drunk. I used to be depressed and would cry nightly. I thought it was because I was unattractive or a bad partner somehow. Now I'm just numb. I'm attracted to other people, but I don't want to become a cheater. We have no connection. We don't laugh together, don't go anywhere, I don't even desire to. I'd rather be alone or with my 5 year old son (mine from previous relationship). He has some good qualities but a lot of negative ones too. He's always tired and lazy. And won't lose weight. I feel bad for feeling this way but I keep being told things will change one day. And how long am I supposed to wait? I feel like life is too short to spend it without love, romance, passion, and intimacy. And I want to set an example for my child what real love looks like. I kind of rambled, but I've never used a forum and shared this before. Any thoughts?
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Post by solodriver on Jun 3, 2017 2:54:24 GMT -5
Hi Dreamer29 I'm happy you found us, but am so sorry under the circumstances as the rest of us. Your story sounds very similar to Rhapsadee here. I would recommend looking over all her posts and comments. We're here for you and we understand. There is one thing to remember. It's not you, it's HIM! And as a result of that you will need to decide what you need to do for yourself. Read the posts on here to see where others, like yourself, have had to do to manage this. Hugs, SD  |
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Post by baza on Jun 3, 2017 3:26:20 GMT -5
Sister dreamer29 "And how long am I supposed to wait?" - you ask. It looks like you've been together about 2 years (?) or 24 months. Ten percent of that is 2.4 months - or 3 months to be generous. So that's the time I'd suggest. But rely on him for NOTHING during this period. Instead, get pro-active yourself. Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you and formulate an exit strategy and knock it in to do-able shape. In 90 days, see what this bloke has done of his own volition to address his issues. Then, you have a difficult choice ahead of you. You stay - because he has made remarkable progress in dealing with his issues - or You leave - because he has made no progress on his issues at all. Whether you tell him he's on the clock, or not, is optional. The clock is really for you, to give yourself a target and to keep yourself accountable. What he does or does not do is completely beyond your control. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 3, 2017 6:49:53 GMT -5
This marriage looks to be already "down for the count". From the beginning there was a significant difference in the desired quantity of intimacy and now there is a significant difference of opinion as to what constitutes quality. You are engaging in counter refusing and for you there a # of emotional and communication issues. The physical changes he has undergone have also led to a lessening of desire for intimacy in you. And it's plain to see you are resentful already about what his actions and inaction have done to the relationship. It's just a matter of time before resentment turns into contempt.
If you are planning to stay for the immediate future I would agree with Baz that you need to begin putting in place an exit strategy. I think you are going to need it before very long. If you want to give him one last chance I would state it to him that he has X amount of time to demonstrate a commitment to the marriage. Start perhaps with counseling and a fitness program for him to demonstrate that commitment. 3 months sounds like enough time to see if he is going to follow through, 6 months max. During that 3-6 months you can start assembling the tools and resources, support system and contingency plans you will need in place when it doesn't work out. Good luck....
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 3, 2017 7:11:26 GMT -5
Welcome and I'm sorry you are here.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote with the excuses I heard (tired, back hurts, stress, etc.) but they are excuses not reasons. Eventually they will become reasons as he ages and it doesn't sound like he takes care of himself. He is neglecting you and himself.
The good news is you have not wasted decades of your life on a man that you may not be compatible with and honestly it doesn't sound like he is a sex person at all.
I would recommend you lay your cards on the table and set a timetable for yourself. If I could go back in time I would literally say to my H when he was in his 30's -"if we don't start fucking then this marriage will end". I didn't but there were no online forums to guide me either so you are lucky that you have more resources early on in your marriage.
I would say talk to an attorney to get educated, talk to your H, and set a timetable for yourself. The one year mark of marriage sounds reasonable.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 3, 2017 8:11:58 GMT -5
This is my first post. I married my H a little over 7 months ago. Haven't had sex in about 9 months. And only once, maybe twice, in the last year. My H is 11 years older than me, I'm 28. I'm a 28 year old newly wed who has never had sex with her husband. It's so depressing. We've been together 4 years. He used to refuse me starting in year 2. He claimed he was tired and his back hurt from working. I became so depressed. I would beg and ask why, but I was the weird one. Sex wasn't the priority. Work and responsibilities were. I thought it was just his stress and that things would get better. We were moving so I thought, it'll be better once we move. We moved and it was the same! Maybe once every couple months. I used to tell him, hello I'm in my sexual prime! This is torture! But he was tired or stressed. Then he quit his job to start a new one. It will get better when the new job starts, less stress, he would tell me. So I waited! Then a close family member passed away, so I knew not to even ask! That's when we got engaged, and shortly after, married. I was in school also, so I was distracted with a busy curriculum. I thought, once we are married and I graduate we'll both have less stress and more time. But here we are and nothing has changed. I've brought up the issue numerous times and it just gets swept under the rug. It's important to add that over the course of the years he has put on over 100 pounds. He was overweight from the start but it didn't limit our sex. Now there is only one position we can do and it's not intimate at all! It doesn't last long, and truthfully I don't want it! He tried saying we need to start trying again. But I said no! We have many more communication and emotional issues to work on before having sex again! He came on to me one time after going out and drinking alone. I'm not turned on if you only want me bc you're drunk. I used to be depressed and would cry nightly. I thought it was because I was unattractive or a bad partner somehow. Now I'm just numb. I'm attracted to other people, but I don't want to become a cheater. We have no connection. We don't laugh together, don't go anywhere, I don't even desire to. I'd rather be alone or with my 5 year old son (mine from previous relationship). He has some good qualities but a lot of negative ones too. He's always tired and lazy. And won't lose weight. I feel bad for feeling this way but I keep being told things will change one day. And how long am I supposed to wait? I feel like life is too short to spend it without love, romance, passion, and intimacy. And I want to set an example for my child what real love looks like. I kind of rambled, but I've never used a forum and shared this before. Any thoughts? You asked for guidance. Here it is. Read through all of the posts here as well as the archived posts in the I Live In a Sexless Marriage section of Experience Project, the predecessor site to this. You will see many stories like yours in which people didn't have sex on their honeymoon or for months, even years, afterward. You'll even find stories of people who have never ever had sex in their marriage of more than a decade. You will not find one such story in which the marriage turned around and became one with mutually fulfilling sex. You will see some in which after the refused partner threatened to divorce or wanted a child and their refuser acquiesed and managed to grit their teeth and engage in sex. But it wasn't passionate sex. It was duty sex. It was what we call here, "re-set sex." And in several cases, a child was miracuously conceived via one sex act amidst months and years of celibacy. And the refused partner then stayed in the marriage so as to allow their child to be in a two-parent home. Such refused are miserable and wish they had found this site early in their marriage like you have. Because then they'd have realized that there is NO HOPE that they would get the kind of marriage they wanted with their spouse. They would have realized that you can't love, beg, threaten, explain or cajole someone into sexually desiring you. And they would have let go of their marriage. Your unconsummated marriage would qualify you for an annulment in most religions and jurisdictions. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. In many places, the first visit -- the consultation -- is free. Do not let your spouse know that you'll be talking to a lawyer about divorce. If you do that, your partner will probably engage in a sex act with you. It will be more of the unsatisfying sex you've had in the past, and that will end your chances of an annulment and will probably keep you hanging in there with false hope. You might even get pregnant and have to deal with those complications. I know it's hard for you to read this, and you likely are thinking that there is something you can do to get the marriage you want. So, do what I suggested: Read the stories here and look for one that reminds you of your marriage, but has the kind of resolution you long for in your marriage. Individual therapy -- with a therapist who values the importance of sex in marriage and life (some therapists don't) also would help. Couples therapy -- probably not, at least not in the way you hope for. That's because you can't make someone sexually desire you. It doesn't mean you're not desirable. It just means you're with the wrong person. I'm sorry that your marriage is such that you ended up here. I'm glad, however, that you found this place so early in your marriage so you'll be able to benefit from the support and wisdom. With the information and wisdom here, you have the key to be free for the kind of life you want much earlier in life than is the case for most here. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 3, 2017 8:23:29 GMT -5
I think even in Maryland, non consummated marriage is grounds for an anulment.
Get it now, you will not be happy long term like this.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 3, 2017 8:35:45 GMT -5
Oh and welcome to our rag tag group that no one wanted to join. Grab a cup coffee, there is a lot here to learn and share. Welcome
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Post by lyn on Jun 3, 2017 11:13:55 GMT -5
dreamer29. Ahhh to be 29 again - sigh...... Anyway - welcome!! I'm so sorry that you found us but it does mean that you do need this group. Get comfy and start reading! It can be helpful to pick out a few members who seem to speak to you and read through some of their old posts. You can go back to their first post I believe by clicking on their profile. This process, of sifting through all of our own broken-heated stories will likely elicit a lot of emotion and moments of clarity for you. It can be both cathartic and heartbreaking but this process is important I think. We are you and you are us. You will likely see this. I hope you find some comfort and the answers that you seek. Xx
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 3, 2017 12:38:16 GMT -5
dreamer29, We can lead you to the well, but you're the one who decides whether to drink. You may be in for an uncomfortable awakening here. Many here have been in their situation for a decade or longer past the point where you are, and we wish we'd had this kind of insight back then. Some general points... * It doesn't get better. The odds are so bad, this is practically a hard and fast rule. Unless what you've got is tolerable, get out sooner than later. * He's the only one who can change his behavior / outlook / desire. Nothing you can do will motivate him beyond superficial reaction to a threat, and even that will be temporary. * This will suck the life out of you. Self esteem, depression, despair, and leads many to suicidal thoughts. Seriously, this is a matter of self-preservation, not just a selfish move that hurts your spouse. * The hole only gets deeper and harder to climb out of. Even as the situation gets harder to bear, it becomes more difficult to leave. * No matter how great a person your spouse is, or how dependent they are on you... you don't need to be married to be their friend or emotional support. * Sexual intimacy is the defining activity of marriage - everything else can be substituted by friends or contractors. If sex is missing, it's a huge freaking deal. You have the opportunity right now to undo a mistake. And even as cleanly as an annulment. It will never be easier to correct than right now. I try to avoid giving direct advice, but there seems to be little ambiguity in your situation. Take this for what it's worth: Get out, now. Do not pass go; do not collect $200. He has very clearly shown you where he stands, and he has already had his opportunities to change; threatening him with divorce will not yield any sincere changes. Don't be fooled into perpetually trying "one more thing". No more attempts at sex. Go get a lawyer and file for annulment.
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 13:54:58 GMT -5
Hi Dreamer29 I'm happy you found us, but am so sorry under the circumstances as the rest of us. Your story sounds very similar to Rhapsadee here. I would recommend looking over all her posts and comments. We're here for you and we understand. There is one thing to remember. It's not you, it's HIM! And as a result of that you will need to decide what you need to do for yourself. Read the posts on here to see where others, like yourself, have had to do to manage this. Hugs, SD I'll look at her posts as soon as I can. Thank you! |
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 13:58:37 GMT -5
Sister dreamer29 "And how long am I supposed to wait?" - you ask. It looks like you've been together about 2 years (?) or 24 months. Ten percent of that is 2.4 months - or 3 months to be generous. So that's the time I'd suggest. But rely on him for NOTHING during this period. Instead, get pro-active yourself. Consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you and formulate an exit strategy and knock it in to do-able shape. In 90 days, see what this bloke has done of his own volition to address his issues. Then, you have a difficult choice ahead of you. You stay - because he has made remarkable progress in dealing with his issues - or You leave - because he has made no progress on his issues at all. Whether you tell him he's on the clock, or not, is optional. The clock is really for you, to give yourself a target and to keep yourself accountable. What he does or does not do is completely beyond your control. **We've been together a total of 4 years. I've already been waiting to see if he would do anything. I just feel that even if he does try, I won't want it. It's already caused so much hurt in the past. When you say exit strategy, do you mean legally? |
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 14:10:22 GMT -5
This is my first post. I married my H a little over 7 months ago. Haven't had sex in about 9 months. And only once, maybe twice, in the last year. My H is 11 years older than me, I'm 28. I'm a 28 year old newly wed who has never had sex with her husband. It's so depressing. We've been together 4 years. He used to refuse me starting in year 2. He claimed he was tired and his back hurt from working. I became so depressed. I would beg and ask why, but I was the weird one. Sex wasn't the priority. Work and responsibilities were. I thought it was just his stress and that things would get better. We were moving so I thought, it'll be better once we move. We moved and it was the same! Maybe once every couple months. I used to tell him, hello I'm in my sexual prime! This is torture! But he was tired or stressed. Then he quit his job to start a new one. It will get better when the new job starts, less stress, he would tell me. So I waited! Then a close family member passed away, so I knew not to even ask! That's when we got engaged, and shortly after, married. I was in school also, so I was distracted with a busy curriculum. I thought, once we are married and I graduate we'll both have less stress and more time. But here we are and nothing has changed. I've brought up the issue numerous times and it just gets swept under the rug. It's important to add that over the course of the years he has put on over 100 pounds. He was overweight from the start but it didn't limit our sex. Now there is only one position we can do and it's not intimate at all! It doesn't last long, and truthfully I don't want it! He tried saying we need to start trying again. But I said no! We have many more communication and emotional issues to work on before having sex again! He came on to me one time after going out and drinking alone. I'm not turned on if you only want me bc you're drunk. I used to be depressed and would cry nightly. I thought it was because I was unattractive or a bad partner somehow. Now I'm just numb. I'm attracted to other people, but I don't want to become a cheater. We have no connection. We don't laugh together, don't go anywhere, I don't even desire to. I'd rather be alone or with my 5 year old son (mine from previous relationship). He has some good qualities but a lot of negative ones too. He's always tired and lazy. And won't lose weight. I feel bad for feeling this way but I keep being told things will change one day. And how long am I supposed to wait? I feel like life is too short to spend it without love, romance, passion, and intimacy. And I want to set an example for my child what real love looks like. I kind of rambled, but I've never used a forum and shared this before. Any thoughts? You asked for guidance. Here it is. Read through all of the posts here as well as the archived posts in the I Live In a Sexless Marriage section of Experience Project, the predecessor site to this. You will see many stories like yours in which people didn't have sex on their honeymoon or for months, even years, afterward. You'll even find stories of people who have never ever had sex in their marriage of more than a decade. You will not find one such story in which the marriage turned around and became one with mutually fulfilling sex. You will see some in which after the refused partner threatened to divorce or wanted a child and their refuser acquiesed and managed to grit their teeth and engage in sex. But it wasn't passionate sex. It was duty sex. It was what we call here, "re-set sex." And in several cases, a child was miracuously conceived via one sex act amidst months and years of celibacy. And the refused partner then stayed in the marriage so as to allow their child to be in a two-parent home. Such refused are miserable and wish they had found this site early in their marriage like you have. Because then they'd have realized that there is NO HOPE that they would get the kind of marriage they wanted with their spouse. They would have realized that you can't love, beg, threaten, explain or cajole someone into sexually desiring you. And they would have let go of their marriage. Your unconsummated marriage would qualify you for an annulment in most religions and jurisdictions. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. In many places, the first visit -- the consultation -- is free. Do not let your spouse know that you'll be talking to a lawyer about divorce. If you do that, your partner will probably engage in a sex act with you. It will be more of the unsatisfying sex you've had in the past, and that will end your chances of an annulment and will probably keep you hanging in there with false hope. You might even get pregnant and have to deal with those complications. I know it's hard for you to read this, and you likely are thinking that there is something you can do to get the marriage you want. So, do what I suggested: Read the stories here and look for one that reminds you of your marriage, but has the kind of resolution you long for in your marriage. Individual therapy -- with a therapist who values the importance of sex in marriage and life (some therapists don't) also would help. Couples therapy -- probably not, at least not in the way you hope for. That's because you can't make someone sexually desire you. It doesn't mean you're not desirable. It just means you're with the wrong person. I'm sorry that your marriage is such that you ended up here. I'm glad, however, that you found this place so early in your marriage so you'll be able to benefit from the support and wisdom. With the information and wisdom here, you have the key to be free for the kind of life you want much earlier in life than is the case for most here. This! Thank you for your response. When you say "duty sex" that really hit home. I feel like if we do it, its just going to be to say we did it, because we haven't in so long. It won't be an expression of love or intimacy, just a quick chore. I never thought of the possibility of an annulment, I'm going to research that. I wish I would've paid attention to all the red flags before I said I do. But i'm going to take your advice and definitely go see a counselor to start. |
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Post by dreamer29 on Jun 3, 2017 14:14:40 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for the responses. You've all got me thinking, and Im going to start with a counselor. I think I know in my heart what I need to do, unfortunately its much easier said than done.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 3, 2017 14:37:18 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for the responses. You've all got me thinking, and Im going to start with a counselor. I think I know in my heart what I need to do, unfortunately its much easier said than done. It's a lot to swallow in one stark revelation, but it sounds like you're not in as much denial as a lot of us when we arrive here. Therapy for yourself is excellent, regardless - to deal with the emotions, to identify what's really important to you, and to self-analyze so you can be much more aware of your own motivations and influences going forward. If there is one positive thing that comes out of this whole ordeal, many of us who have done a fair bit of individual therapy and introspection come out of it a whole lot more aware of what makes us tick, what pushes our buttons, and how to be a lot more conscious about our decision-making and how we allow others to treat us. It's a hard path to emotional maturity. Just don't let the counseling become a crutch that stalls taking action. You're very right that it's much easier said than done, but it will only get harder the longer you delay. Keep your forward momentum! |
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