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Post by Caris on Jun 3, 2017 16:41:17 GMT -5
What a horrible thing to deal with, on top of the original problem. ((Hugs)) Thanks, Kat. Yes, it's compounded the pain of his loss. Why can't people just be nice to each other, especially at times like this? Why make someone's suffering worse? Maybe I'm missing something because I don't get it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 3, 2017 18:42:47 GMT -5
I personally like your 25 yr olds logic. He has your best interest in mind. I've been to funerals where people seem more upset about the way everything was handled then they do rejoicing in all the good things that person brought to everyone's life. You do need support, not hostility. Your son again has your best interest in mind. Saying nothing IS saying something. I've gone through the same thing with recent holiday get togethers, all my STBX's family. I choose not to participate, it's better that way. You may benefit much more by having your own private ceremony. Bring a favorite photo to a private place and give it to God. I had decided not to go, but today my heart strings are pulling me one way, and logic another. Does it matter that it now costs over $1000 to fly, then hotel and expenses, plus buy new black clothes, from my savings that are now putting the roof over my head? Isn't that a small price to pay to say "goodbye" and pay my respects? I want to go. My heart wants to go, but my eldest son and a friend I spoke with by phone, thinks it's too much to handle if I'm ignored (or worse), on top of the grief. I'm torn, and feel I'll always regret not going, but then I may regret going too. What a dilemma. That's a hard dilemma my friend. I, personally would think I could get over the regret, or guilt of not going, easier than I could deal with the pain, hurt, anger, frustration of being ignored or spoken down too. Those aren't the kind of memories I would want to have associated with a loved one. And, yes, cost is a factor. Is it possible that you will have to travel that way later for any of the legal work? Then it might seem a better investment for the cost. Just trying to think it through with you! I don't know how many funerals you have been too lately, (I volunteer to usher ,because I can) but here in Florida nobody wears a full suit anymore. Few people wear full black to a funeral anymore. That's what I see anyway. Although I understand the tradition. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 4, 2017 11:18:39 GMT -5
I had decided not to go, but today my heart strings are pulling me one way, and logic another. Does it matter that it now costs over $1000 to fly, then hotel and expenses, plus buy new black clothes, from my savings that are now putting the roof over my head? Isn't that a small price to pay to say "goodbye" and pay my respects? I want to go. My heart wants to go, but my eldest son and a friend I spoke with by phone, thinks it's too much to handle if I'm ignored (or worse), on top of the grief. I'm torn, and feel I'll always regret not going, but then I may regret going too. What a dilemma. That's a hard dilemma my friend. I, personally would think I could get over the regret, or guilt of not going, easier than I could deal with the pain, hurt, anger, frustration of being ignored or spoken down too. Those aren't the kind of memories I would want to have associated with a loved one. And, yes, cost is a factor. Is it possible that you will have to travel that way later for any of the legal work? Then it might seem a better investment for the cost. Just trying to think it through with you! I don't know how many funerals you have been too lately, (I volunteer to usher ,because I can) but here in Florida nobody wears a full suit anymore. Few people wear full black to a funeral anymore. That's what I see anyway. Although I understand the tradition. GC, thank you for thinking it through with me. I need it. I need validation to know I'm doing the "right" thing, although regret either way is probably a certainty. I am trying to be practical, but emotions play a huge part too. You make a lot of sense. Who wants to have tension and an atmosphere, or be ignored (and not even be mentioned in the eulogy, like I never existed the past 27-years of his life)? It's truly horrible. I know the case has been made for not going, but my emotions and regret that it even has to be this way, makes me want to book a flight right now, and just go. I hate this, and I hate not having a partner to share this with. Being alone really sucks at times like this. I need someone to lean on. Buddha says "be your own refuge," and while I agree, we also need the refuge of caring friends and family when we need comfort. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jun 4, 2017 11:22:27 GMT -5
That's a hard dilemma my friend. I, personally would think I could get over the regret, or guilt of not going, easier than I could deal with the pain, hurt, anger, frustration of being ignored or spoken down too. Those aren't the kind of memories I would want to have associated with a loved one. And, yes, cost is a factor. Is it possible that you will have to travel that way later for any of the legal work? Then it might seem a better investment for the cost. Just trying to think it through with you! I don't know how many funerals you have been too lately, (I volunteer to usher ,because I can) but here in Florida nobody wears a full suit anymore. Few people wear full black to a funeral anymore. That's what I see anyway. Although I understand the tradition. GC, thank you for thinking it through with me. I need it. I need validation to know I'm doing the "right" thing, although regret either way is probably a certainty. I am trying to be practical, but emotions play a huge part too. You make a lot of sense. Who wants to have tension and an atmosphere, or be ignored (and not even be mentioned in the eulogy, like I never existed the past 27-years of his life)? It's truly horrible. I know the case has been made for not going, but my emotions and regret that it even has to be this way, makes me want to book a flight right now, and just go. I hate this, and I hate not having a partner to share this with. Being alone really sucks at times like this. I need someone to lean on. Buddha says "be your own refuge," and while I agree, we also need the refuge of caring friends and family when we need comfort. You are here. We are here. You are not alone. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 4, 2017 12:50:10 GMT -5
We all grieve in our own separate ,individual ways. How about this angle. You go with an attitude of, "this is for me too, I deserve this like every other member of this family, I am family, and always will be. No one has any right to not make me feel welcome, I will do what's necessary for myself, and in the process I will be helping others around me. There where so many positive memories about my husband that I have every right to share, and rejoice over with whomever I please.
I will "what if "about all the positives that I have to gain from this, and I will go home with closure. It is my choice , about my emotions. No one else is going to decide that for me. It's their problem, not mine. There will always be others there who appreciate my attitude and we can benefit each other from this entire closure."
This way you know in your heart "I did my part, I did more than what I even expected for myself." Just going there is half the battle. You have survived worse, You can make this a positive outcome for yourself.
Sadly you have little time, why not make the most of it?
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Post by Caris on Jun 4, 2017 13:19:54 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 4, 2017 13:52:06 GMT -5
Hi Caris, I remember after the death, things had to be done in days, then there's travel , flight bookings, hotels, etc.... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 5, 2017 10:31:21 GMT -5
Caris, there is a saying that "weddings and funerals bring out the best and the worst in people". I completely sympathize with wanting closure and sharing grief with his friends and family. The cost is a very significant obstacle, but I think there are bigger emotional obstacles... It sounds like hostility has developed toward you since the divorce. This may not only thwart your efforts at shared grief, but the hostility will likely add to your emotional burden. Then, there is the estate... this is no small matter. People are like vultures, and many of his family will feel that you are not entitled to anything, despite what the legal docs say. They are likely to see an opportunity for their own gain and will treat you as an adversary. So, I think you may be unpleasantly surprised by the reception you receive. Not everyone will be this way, and for them it will be a positive thing to see you there. But there will be detractors that will be tough to cope with.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 5, 2017 10:44:30 GMT -5
Caris, I wanted to add some separate thoughts on the estate side of things... State laws vary, but there have been some notable cases where, for example, a couple divorced and remarried, and decades later the one with a 401(k) died with the beneficiary still being the Ex. After long legal battles it concluded that the beneficiary stayed in effect, because there was ample opportunity to change it if the decedent had intended to. So, I would be surprised if the law preempts a declared beneficiary, but it's possible. For all such policies and bank accounts it should be a matter of simply providing an original certified copy of the death certificate (must be ordered from the county recorder's office) and title/distribution should be easily done. Marital status shouldn't have any bearing. However, burden is upon you to discover all these accounts, retirement funds, and titled assets. But the will may be another matter because the family can contest it in court. If his assets were not in a living trust, probate will come into effect and that may be a year-long process for any assets that didn't have directly declared beneficiary (e.g., house, cars, personal possessions). In short... you would be wise to engage a lawyer soon to advise you, rather than trying to unravel it after distributions have been made. The lawyer needs to be familiar with the estate laws of the decedent's state, so probably not local to you. Not only is a lawyer helpful to fight for you, but they're familiar with the process and can guide you - for example, to ensure you've identified all the account to which you may be beneficiary. Yes, a lawyer is going to cost money, but it sounds like it's a very good gamble if your entitlements are at risk. Discuss the financial side with them rather than dismissing the idea - they have likely dealt with many folks who are due inheritance but don't have immediate funds. Most will not charge for an initial conversation.
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Post by Caris on Jun 7, 2017 17:04:06 GMT -5
Caris, I wanted to add some separate thoughts on the estate side of things... State laws vary, but there have been some notable cases where, for example, a couple divorced and remarried, and decades later the one with a 401(k) died with the beneficiary still being the Ex. After long legal battles it concluded that the beneficiary stayed in effect, because there was ample opportunity to change it if the decedent had intended to. So, I would be surprised if the law preempts a declared beneficiary, but it's possible. For all such policies and bank accounts it should be a matter of simply providing an original certified copy of the death certificate (must be ordered from the county recorder's office) and title/distribution should be easily done. Marital status shouldn't have any bearing. However, burden is upon you to discover all these accounts, retirement funds, and titled assets. But the will may be another matter because the family can contest it in court. If his assets were not in a living trust, probate will come into effect and that may be a year-long process for any assets that didn't have directly declared beneficiary (e.g., house, cars, personal possessions). In short... you would be wise to engage a lawyer soon to advise you, rather than trying to unravel it after distributions have been made. The lawyer needs to be familiar with the estate laws of the decedent's state, so probably not local to you. Not only is a lawyer helpful to fight for you, but they're familiar with the process and can guide you - for example, to ensure you've identified all the account to which you may be beneficiary. Yes, a lawyer is going to cost money, but it sounds like it's a very good gamble if your entitlements are at risk. Discuss the financial side with them rather than dismissing the idea - they have likely dealt with many folks who are due inheritance but don't have immediate funds. Most will not charge for an initial conversation. Good idea as I'm physically in that state now, so will do some research. Thanks DC. |
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