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Post by Caris on Jun 2, 2017 10:18:15 GMT -5
I don't want to write this because I feel ill inside. I think I'm not going to the funeral. I want to go, but it's clear that I'm not welcome. I won't go into details because it would take too long, and I don't have the mental or emotional energy.
Both children said I should go to get closure, and we are his family, but my eldest has now changed his mind. He asked me, "are you strong enough right now to face possible hostility, or even some negative words, and how far will that take you back in your healing process. Mom, you're still healing from the last 25-years, and this has already knocked you back a bit. Do you have the strength to take on more?" The answer, of course is "no," I'm in a fragile state from grieving his loss, and what adds to it is that they (in-laws) are discouraging me from coming without saying it outright. It's what they are not saying that really shows I'm not wanted there.
I was going to go anyway, but it's clear I'll be an outsider, and will not be welcome to spend time with the family afterwards. I'd have to fly across country, pay for hotel and transport, so that I can have closure, but also be alone with my grief. There is "them" then there is "me." I don't know why they have changed toward me. We got on okay before the divorce, but it's all changed.
So, I feel ill, and my insides are shaking because I want to go, but I can't take any negativity at this time. I need support not hostility.
On another note, I am the beneficiary on his will and all insurance policies. However, because we are divorced I'm told that I'll be revoked on everything. My alimony is terminated, which was my sole income. I'll give myself a little time to get myself together, then find some work, so living off my savings for now.
Doctor has given me anti anxiety pills as I keep trembling and my mind is working on slow. Just like the rejection in our marriage, I feel the rejection again from the in-laws. I'll get over it. I'll survive, but Why to God can't people be nice to each other? I've put aside all the negativity from the marriage, and only say good things about him, why can't we be united in our grief and support each other in losing someone we love? I'll never understand this about people. It is so very sad, and it breaks my heart.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 2, 2017 10:57:03 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are facing such hostility from your former in laws. Would it be possible for you to pay respects and get some closure by visiting his grave some time after the funeral? Perhaps with some of your children?
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 2, 2017 11:59:06 GMT -5
Caris, you have my sympathy in all that you are going through following the death of your husband. Perhaps one positive note , and I am no attorney, but if you are named as the beneficiary to a part or the whole of his estate I don't think the martial status will be relevant. A quick call to a family law attorney could get you an answer to that question.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 2, 2017 12:11:48 GMT -5
Caris, you have my sympathy in all that you are going through following the death of your husband. Perhaps one positive note , and I am no attorney, but if you are named as the beneficiary to a part or the whole of his estate I don't think the martial status will be relevant. A quick call to a family law attorney could get you an answer to that question. I agree. That was the first thing I thought of too. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you can't be the beneficiary. My ex and I kept each other as beneficiaries until our youngest is 18 and it states that in the divorce decree. I would read your divorce decree it may give you further insight as well. I'm sorry Caris you are struggling with this loss. Big Hugs. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 2, 2017 12:45:42 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are facing such hostility from your former in laws. Would it be possible for you to pay respects and get some closure by visiting his grave some time after the funeral? Perhaps with some of your children? This is a possibility. I will give it some thought. Thank you for your kindness. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 2, 2017 12:50:38 GMT -5
Caris, you have my sympathy in all that you are going through following the death of your husband. Perhaps one positive note , and I am no attorney, but if you are named as the beneficiary to a part or the whole of his estate I don't think the martial status will be relevant. A quick call to a family law attorney could get you an answer to that question. I've been told by an insurance rep who called me to send my divorce decree. It's to prove we are divorced. She said that law will revoke me, but I don't understand why. If he made no changes, it seems he still wanted me as beneficiary. I'm still on the will too, but google tells me that the law is against me too. I will check further. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 2, 2017 12:54:54 GMT -5
Caris, you have my sympathy in all that you are going through following the death of your husband. Perhaps one positive note , and I am no attorney, but if you are named as the beneficiary to a part or the whole of his estate I don't think the martial status will be relevant. A quick call to a family law attorney could get you an answer to that question. I agree. That was the first thing I thought of too. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you can't be the beneficiary. My ex and I kept each other as beneficiaries until our youngest is 18 and it states that in the divorce decree. I would read your divorce decree it may give you further insight as well. I'm sorry Caris you are struggling with this loss. Big Hugs. There is nothing in the decree about it. I guess we never thought about it, and I didn't have a lawyer. I know people who have insurance policies, and they are not married. It shouldn't make a difference, if I'm named as beneficiary. I will check with a lawyer. It seems 25-years of marriage stands for nothing. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 2, 2017 13:23:44 GMT -5
I agree. That was the first thing I thought of too. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you can't be the beneficiary. My ex and I kept each other as beneficiaries until our youngest is 18 and it states that in the divorce decree. I would read your divorce decree it may give you further insight as well. I'm sorry Caris you are struggling with this loss. Big Hugs. There is nothing in the decree about it. I guess we never thought about it, and I didn't have a lawyer. I know people who have insurance policies, and they are not married. It shouldn't make a difference, if I'm named as beneficiary. I will check with a lawyer. It seems 25-years of marriage stands for nothing. If your name is on the policy that's all that should matter. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 2, 2017 13:25:34 GMT -5
"If you are divorced, but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receivebenefits on your ex-spouse's record (even if they have remarried) if: You are unmarried; You are age 62 or older; Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Securityretirement or disability benefits and
The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex spouse's work."
Check with the social security dept. for more info.
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Post by Caris on Jun 2, 2017 14:00:13 GMT -5
There is nothing in the decree about it. I guess we never thought about it, and I didn't have a lawyer. I know people who have insurance policies, and they are not married. It shouldn't make a difference, if I'm named as beneficiary. I will check with a lawyer. It seems 25-years of marriage stands for nothing. If your name is on the policy that's all that should matter. I'm on everything, and you would think that would be enough, but not according to law, but I will check with a lawyer. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 2, 2017 14:02:51 GMT -5
"If you are divorced, but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receivebenefits on your ex-spouse's record (even if they have remarried) if: You are unmarried; You are age 62 or older; Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Securityretirement or disability benefits and The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex spouse's work." Check with the social security dept. for more info. I think I qualify for this. Not sure him being deceased changed anything. I'm over 62, and not remarried. Married 25-years. I'll check when I have the energy. Thank you. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 2, 2017 14:38:34 GMT -5
I personally like your 25 yr olds logic. He has your best interest in mind. I've been to funerals where people seem more upset about the way everything was handled then they do rejoicing in all the good things that person brought to everyone's life.
You do need support, not hostility. Your son again has your best interest in mind. Saying nothing IS saying something. I've gone through the same thing with recent holiday get togethers, all my STBX's family. I choose not to participate, it's better that way.
You may benefit much more by having your own private ceremony. Bring a favorite photo to a private place and give it to God.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2017 18:58:14 GMT -5
What a horrible thing to deal with, on top of the original problem. ((Hugs))
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 2, 2017 19:15:13 GMT -5
"If you are divorced, but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receivebenefits on your ex-spouse's record (even if they have remarried) if: You are unmarried; You are age 62 or older; Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Securityretirement or disability benefits and The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex spouse's work." Check with the social security dept. for more info. I think this is correct too. Your h hopefully has been paying the government through SS deduction (for 40 credits which is around 10yrs) so he can retire and collect it when he gets old. You can get from that SS money also, not just him, even if divorced. That's how it works in US from what I've read. |
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Post by Caris on Jun 3, 2017 16:37:24 GMT -5
I personally like your 25 yr olds logic. He has your best interest in mind. I've been to funerals where people seem more upset about the way everything was handled then they do rejoicing in all the good things that person brought to everyone's life. You do need support, not hostility. Your son again has your best interest in mind. Saying nothing IS saying something. I've gone through the same thing with recent holiday get togethers, all my STBX's family. I choose not to participate, it's better that way. You may benefit much more by having your own private ceremony. Bring a favorite photo to a private place and give it to God. I had decided not to go, but today my heart strings are pulling me one way, and logic another. Does it matter that it now costs over $1000 to fly, then hotel and expenses, plus buy new black clothes, from my savings that are now putting the roof over my head? Isn't that a small price to pay to say "goodbye" and pay my respects? I want to go. My heart wants to go, but my eldest son and a friend I spoke with by phone, thinks it's too much to handle if I'm ignored (or worse), on top of the grief. I'm torn, and feel I'll always regret not going, but then I may regret going too. What a dilemma. |
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