All in the family.

Ok, I've seen other examples...her buying me the cheapest air mattress available to sleep on so I'm sleeping like crap for months.  Then pointing out that "I'm not remembering things" or "I'm not thinking clearly".

But you know what?  23 more days.  I've done 20 years.  23 days is nothing.

I can play the game a bit longer and then I never need to play it again.

Maybe I'm fortunate that my wife isn't crazy or doesn't try to deliberately be mean (I sincerely believe this).  Because of that (and my own temperament, I usually go with a softer touch.  My wife and I hardly ever yell or fight, although that has changed a little as the veneer of marriage has been stripped away.

But as far as I'm concerned, when the kids are with me, they will be raised according to my values.  When they are with her, according to hers.  Neither of us are "right" and neither of us are "wrong".  But the kids will be exposed to both and I will need to trust they take the best from both of us.  Or that is my hope at least.

However, because of the divorce, they will receive more of my input without the filter.  Some of that they will like...some of it they won't.

Shammy, I am so sorry that you are being blamed for her medical condition.  So you are supposed to "force" her to go to the doctor?  Were you supposed to wipe her ass as well?

My refuser would not go to the doctor either. 

After I moved out, my refuser told me that she felt bad about the lack of sex and understood that it was important now.  I realized that I don't want someone who only realizes the importance of anything after I move out.

While I agree that it's likely there was or is dysfunction in our refusers' families, I think it's more important to examine ourselves and our families (families of origin and the families we created with our refuser) for dysfunction.

My refuser's family was less dysfunctional than my family of origin. Within 15 minutes of meeting my future MIL, my refuser's mother had told me that she had been sexually abused as a child and that it was difficult for her to have sex with her husband. Later, I learned that when my refuser was a teen, his mom had warned girls to stay away from him ("My son is going to go to college," she told them) and she had told him to treat girls with "respect" like they were his sister.

One can see how my ex grew up to be very inhibited about sex. Still, however, his family was much healthier than mine. For instance, his parents held hands with each other -- first time I'd seen married people display such affection. They slept in the same bed. My husband had no memories of his parents physically fighting each other, threatening to kill each other or cursing and insulting each other. He doesn't think his father had affairs. By comparison, my parents had slept in separate bedrooms since I was about 7. My father had affairs. My father threatened to kill us. The one time I saw my parents touch each other was when my father kissed my mother's cheek before he went on a trip. Afterward, my mother referred to it as a "Judas kiss," meaning that more than likely he was taking a mistress on his trip.

Having grown up in such a house -- and with a mother who told me stories of women who were committed to "insane asylums" because they desired sex -- I was, understandably, sexually inhibited and was ashamed and out of touch with my sexual feelings. Before marriage, the men whom I had fulfilling sex with were men whom I didn't view as fit for a long term romance or marriage. I thought that men who were good in bed and whom I sexually desired were men who were likely to cheat on or physically abuse me.

The men whom I viewed as suitable marital partners were men who were emotionally flat, not sexy, not good in bed, and who also seemed like they'd be faithful, honest and good fathers and providers.

Consequently, my refuser was a good match for me. It wasn't until I --through lots of therapy and a lot of self-exploration -- grew into a confident person who accepted and appreciated my own sexual desires -- that my refuser no longer was a good match for me. That was when I was able to let go of my marriage, divorce, and end up with a sexually compatible man who also was nonabusive and a good longterm partner.

But up until I developed the insight to be able to let go of my marriage, my refuser actually was a good match for me. I may have complained about my SM, but being in it was more comfortable than being in a position to unleash my full sexuality and ability to love and be loved.

I've now been happily with my post SM partner for 4 years. Incidentally, his parents divorced when he was in elementary school after his mom cheated when his dad --who traveled a lot on his job -- was more interested in visiting his mom after he'd returned from trips than being with his wife. My partner told me this with great compassion for his mom. He also thinks that it's normal for women to have sex drives.

So, when it comes to one's partners' family, I don't think whether or not they divorced is what's important. What's important is the sense that people make out of their own upbringing. The kind of life they themselves want to live also is important. But most important is our working on whatever allowed us to choose a partner who wasn't particularly interested in sex (if that was the case. I know some here married apparently sexually compatible partners, but their partner's behavior changed over time). And what's important is what compelled us to remain in a marriage that was sexually unfulfilling.

We can't change our or our partners' families of origin. We can change ourselves.